The Doom 2016 Kid

[Sora de Eclaune]

I've regaled this tale in real time to the visitors of the shoutbox, but I decided just now that maybe others would want to hear this as well.

I have a friend who has an old Windows XP machine. Here are some choice things I've heard about it:

• "It's a top of the line gaming machine!" It hasn't been top of the line anything since 2007.
• "This computer's worked great for me for as long as I've had it." It's had hardware issues for years.
• "It plays all of the games that exist." That's lying from a standpoint of console exclusives.
• "Oh, I didn't need that." Said when I found he had removed the "useless" RAM (I fixed it, don't worry).

Now we've got this covered, I present to you a new issue he's having: he wants to play the PC version of Doom 2016 on this old as balls XP machine. I told him the facts, I tried to placate him with the original Doom (which is supposedly not a Doom game - apparently if it doesn't look like Doom 3 it's not Doom), but nothing's getting through. He won't upgrade to anything better, and I think he believes that with some software tricks he can get the game running at full speed. It's an absolute nightmare trying to get him to understand requirements. He didn't understand any of the analogies I tried to facilitate understanding.

• "It's like trying to make a gallon of soup all at once, but the one pot you have isn't big enough." His response: "Doom ain't soup or pots, dummy."
• "It's like trying to park a monster truck in a spot made for bicycles, without any of the truck outside of the spot." His response: "That makes no sense. Why would someone be parking a monster truck at a bike rack?"
• "It's like trying to fit an entire inflated football in your mouth without any of the football poking out." His response: "I'm no contortionist."
• "Running Doom on your computer is like trying to run a literal billion Chrome tabs without your computer freezing." His response: "But Chrome isn't Doom. Chrome is different."
• "Computer requirements are like money. You can't get that thing from that store if you don't have enough money." His response: "I already paid for Doom, though."
• "It's like air in a balloon. If you put too much, it pops." His response: "Balloons and Doom have nothing to do with each other, so I don't get why you're telling me the obvious."

He vowed to pay some poor sap way too much to fix the game to run it on his PC. The tech he was connected with agreed with my judgement, so my friend stopped trying to get help from that tech. He vowed to call a different tech that "knew what he was doing." I don't know if he did.

Earlier this morning, I found out something bad. He started believing that his OS was what was making his computer incompatible with the game, so he updated to Windows 10. The poor computer has only 2GB RAM and is chugging along so slowly my friend has stated that Windows 10 came with a virus (he would rather blame Microsoft for a virus that doesn't exist than actually figure out his hardware has been the problem).

Will keep you guys posted. It's an ongoing thing.

 

[omegasoul6]

Reading this post gave me AIDS, your friend is an idiot.

 

[Pacheko17]

I've had a similar experience. My 7 year old cousin was trying to get GTA V running on his 2001 Windows XP laptop with 500mbs of ram and a Pentium 4 mobile. The thing could barely run XP.

 

[Deleted User]

*presses the watch thread button*

 

[Sora de Eclaune]

Reading this post gave me AIDS, your friend is an idiot.

I've got quite a few friends who do things like this. I'm beginning to suspect the town I live in is one of those tech-dumb hives.

If you need an example of some such friends, here you go:

• Girl who learned you can play Japanese games in a North American SNES by cutting off useless prongs...decided that 3DS games must work the same way and cut the prongs off all the 3DS games she owned so she could play them in her DS.
• A friend cut the bottom halves of their GBA games off so they would fit flush in their DS Lite, and then wondered why they no longer worked.
• Kid who assumed that since an R4 plays ROMs, that any ROM would work as long as it was called a ROM (and an ISO is technically a ROM so those apparently work too).
• Friend of a friend asked me to graft a slide-out keyboard onto their phone that didn't have a slide out keyboard function.

 

[The Catboy]

Your friend is stupid, buy a new friend.

 

[Deleted-379826]

I've had a similar experience. My 7 year old cousin was trying to get GTA V running on his 2001 Windows XP laptop with 500mbs of ram and a Pentium 4 mobile. The thing could barely run XP.

"7 year old" "GTA V" lmao

 

[Sora de Eclaune]

Your friend is stupid, buy a new friend.

They're a bit tech dumb, but they're a good friend. Loyal to the end, except when it comes to technology.

"7 year old" "GTA V" lmao

That's not the worst thing that can happen.

 

[The Catboy]

They're a bit tech dumb, but they're a good friend. Loyal to the end, except when it comes to technology.

That post was a joke, mate.

 

[Sonic Angel Knight]

I honestly think you need some new friends miss. Unlike what @Crystal the Glaceon said you can't buy them but i'll be your new friend as i won't be as bad as the ones you speak of I'll even play games with you.

If you are worried about their benefit i think they will be alright as long as they are happy. Don't concern yourself with people who don't wanna grow up.

 

[Sora de Eclaune]

Update: "Why can't I play my Sonic game anymore?"

Said Sonic game is the Sonic and Knuckles Collection. A set of games designed for Windows 95. I told them I didn't know (I honestly don't - some games as old as that still work on my Windows 8.1 laptop but the same games don't work on the other Windows 8 PC in the house) and they used that as an excuse as to why they called a tech guy rather than rely on me for help. I told them they could buy the separate games on Steam or something if they wanted to play it so bad. They were somehow content with that answer.

At least they'll be giving me my disc back.

 

[Sonic Angel Knight]

Update: "Why can't I play my Sonic game anymore?"

Said Sonic game is the Sonic and Knuckles Collection. A set of games designed for Windows 95. I told them I didn't know (I honestly don't - some games as old as that still work on my Windows 8.1 laptop but the same games don't work on the other Windows 8 PC in the house) and they used that as an excuse as to why they called a tech guy rather than rely on me for help. I told them they could buy the separate games on Steam or something if they wanted to play it so bad. They were somehow content with that answer.

At least they'll be giving me my disc back.

Tell him to buy Sonic Mega collection for xbox and play it on his pc

 

[Sora de Eclaune]

Tell him to buy Sonic Mega collection and play it on ps brand new ps4

If only he had a PS4. He's still stuck in gaming's past. It's so bad that just last week he found out about the Persona series, after he caught me playing Persona 3 Portable while hanging out at the park. The worst part is that he's a fan of Shin Megami Tensei, after I introduced him to Digital Devil Saga about four years back.

It's kind of fun to watch him learn about all these games he's missed out on, honestly. He gets so enthralled with the games he likes in a way that can only be experienced when you play a game for the first time. You don't often see that kind of magic anymore.

I think it's a blessing that he's good with console/handheld gaming, otherwise I would be too frustrated with him to deal with him at all. This bit of good balances out the absolute shitstorm that is his computer issues and his inability to cooperate and understand for the fixes.

 

[Sonic Angel Knight]

If only he had a PS4. He's still stuck in gaming's past. It's so bad that just last week he found out about the Persona series, after he caught me playing Persona 3 Portable while hanging out at the park. The worst part is that he's a fan of Shin Megami Tensei, after I introduced him to Digital Devil Saga about four years back.

It's kind of fun, honestly. He gets so enthralled with the games he likes in a way that can only be experienced when you play a game for the first time. It's kind of neat to see, since you don't often see that kind of magic anymore.

I really think you need smarter gaming friends who are more like you. I don't mean to completly ditch them but just have friends on your level. It would do you good as not to cause so much stress.

Trust me you don't want stress related to games.
Also if you do want new friend, i have maybe potiental.

But yeah, keep a close watch on him and make sure he doesn't break is 500MB Windows XP from the year before 2010.
Tell him to play some pinball, i think is on every windows PC during that time.

 

[Sora de Eclaune]

I really think you need smarter gaming friends who are more like you. I don't mean to completly ditch them but just have friends on your level. It would do you good as not to cause so much stress.

Trust me you don't want stress related to games.
Also if you do want new friend, i have maybe potiental.

But yeah, keep a close watch on him and make sure he doesn't break is 500MB Windows XP from the year before 2010.
Tell him to play some pinball, i think is on every windows PC during that time.

I do have friends on my level. He's on my level, aside from the really poor understanding of how computers work (he's safe to computers as a viewer - like a kid that knows just enough to not kill their PC when it's working right but kill their PC when things start going south). The gaming's past thing can be fixed (and is honestly cute).

In all honesty, I kind of like the guy. A lot, even. He's sweet, usually understanding... If I stole his PC in the middle of the night to transfer all the files to a new, better PC that works for him he would actually be okay with it. He would say something akin to "hey don't do that again you better have saved my old PC too", sure, but he wouldn't kick me in the boob over it.

It's just that this little event regarding Doom is hilariously infuriating and not-so-good.

 

[Sonic Angel Knight]

I do have friends on my level. He's on my level, aside from the "software can fix a hardware fire" level of PC tech beliefs. The gaming's past thing can be fixed (and is honestly cute).

In all honesty, I kind of like the guy. A lot, even. He's sweet, usually understanding... If I stole his PC in the middle of the night to transfer all the files to a new, better PC that works for him he would actually be okay with it. He would say something akin to "hey don't do that again you better have saved my old PC too", sure, but he wouldn't kick me in the boob over it.

It's just that this little event regarding Doom is hilariously infuriating and not-so-good.

Don't get your boobs kicked!
I mean at least try not to. They should be handled professinoaly taken great care of by you if you can.
Anyway you shouldn't have to take care of problems like that for him, he needs to grow up and stop thinking about how simple things should be. Everyone deals with things like needing upgrades and he not special enough to not need them too. If he doesn't want them then don't help him, he just trying to be like the people who complain about every little thing and expect others to suffer for it.

 

[Bimmel]

You are a good friend, exposing things like that to the world so everyone can make fun of these people. As long as it's anonymous, who cares right?

Just kidding. A bit.

 

[Sora de Eclaune]

You're probably right, but I still kind of worry for the guy, you know? Maybe if I kickstart the purchase process things would start looking up, or if I convinced him by offering to set everything up, or used some key buzz words ("Upgrading to this PC instead will jump start everything and make it go lightning fast, and it even has bluetooth and USB 3.0! Your PC has none of that!")... I just don't like leaving a friend out in the dust.

I don't even think he knows his arguing over keeping the old PC is doing more bad than good. He's got a Windows XP disc, though, so I can at least reverse the Windows 10 upgrade since he seems to be having problems with it...

You are a good friend, exposing things like that to the world so everyone can make fun of these people. As long as it's anonymous, who cares right?

Just kidding. A bit.

Oh, I actually asked if I could tell people about this issue of my friend's. He agreed to it, because when I ask there's a chance to find an actual, agreeable solution for all involved parties. But, then again, everyone knows that when I ask, they're usually sounding like an idiot. The question's practically become a key phrase within my group of friends for "you're making an idiot of yourself".

I let most of my friends read the posts, too. They usually end up laughing it off and going "wow, I really sound like an idiot." It really changes how you think of a situation when you hear someone else's retelling of it from their perspective.

 

[Sonic Angel Knight]

You're probably right, but I still kind of worry for the guy, you know? Maybe if I kickstart the purchase process things would start looking up, or if I convinced him by offering to set everything up, or used some key buzz words ("Upgrading to this PC instead will jump start everything and make it go lightning fast, and it even has bluetooth and USB 3.0! Your PC has none of that!")... I just don't like leaving a friend out in the dust.

I don't even think he knows his arguing over keeping the old PC is doing more bad than good. He's got a Windows XP disc, though, so I can at least reverse the Windows 10 upgrade since he seems to be having problems with it...

I understand but you can only help some one who wants it, weather or not he wants help or need it. In this case is not life threatning so is probably his call not yours. Unless he was gonna get hit by a car, you shouldn't worry. But you tell him not to ask for help from you unless he wants it. Make him know your serious and not joking around cause it shouldn't be such a desctructive behavior like this. Cute or not, it can begin a long process of things you don't want, let me tell you.

 

[Sora de Eclaune]

No, the part that was cute was the fact that he's behind in the gaming world, and his wonder at the "new" games he plays.

The other thing is infuriating. I'm already not tolerating that behavior.