# A Book I Am Working On !



## steve007 (Dec 20, 2012)

Hello to you guy's

I got A book that is being fixed up and gonna make sense to the reader's

Hear , Is the first page .  ( In Joy )  Copy right By: "Stephen R.  Ashley Jr."
Knowen as steve007


      Cursed Spirits: A Silver Wolf's Tale

    Chapter One: We've Got Big Dreams

    Hello, my name is David. I'm about to tell you about some things that have really changed my life. I used to be a normal human being once, like you, but that's all changed. I suppose you could say that I've made a mess of things. This is going to be a long story, so why not grab some popcorn or a soda or something? No? Well, I'll let it slide.

    I live in a castle that was built in the 1800's. My father won it in a drawing - some kind of contest - though it seems out of place, because it's 2009 now, it's still a wonderful castle. It's huge, though. I have a small family, but it also makes us feel acomplished in some strange way. It was also pretty mysterious looking. It looks great, but something's... off.

    Anyway, my father is a blacksmith for a renaissance fair. He builds and mends the armors that the "knights" use when the fair comes around. He makes the best swords, but they don't sell for too much. This is 2009, nobody needs swords anymore. So we're kind of broke. I suggested once that we sell the castle, but my father's too proud of it to sell it.

    "David," said Father, "I'm willing to bet a lot of people would pay to see this castle, but there's not much here to attract them. I'm just a blacksmith, who'd pay to see the castle when all they want is old-timey armors and swords?" He sighed, looking to me. "Something's just... missing, you know? What do you think? I need a big... something." He walked toward me a little, thinking and brainstorming.
    I stepped up and decided to help. I remembered that I had something that I've never shown anyone before. "Father," I said, "I have something that may help."
    "What would that be then? You know how wolves are pretty popular in these parts, everyone likes to see 'em. Does it have anything to do with that? It'd help. Oh I know, give me a huge, old werewolf! Haha!" Father laughed. "That would be something, boy!"

    After an hour or so of thinking and brainstorming, I jokingly spouted, "What if we just tell everyone there's some kind of curse on the place? They'll line up from here to Amsterdam just to see the place. People go nuts over haunted sites."
    "I don't know, Son... I suppose it's worth it. But what kind of things happen at haunted sites? I suppose we'll need to research." Father said. "We could try the internet. I suppose it's easier anyway. Oh, I know. Let's get this place cursed for real!"
    "Isn't that dangerous, Father?" I said, a little scared.
    "Do as I say, Boy. Look up some witches or gypsies or something!"

    I searched and searched the internet for possible people willing to put a curse on this castle. Nothing. I didn't find anything. Then I stumbled across a website. It was an advertisement for a creepy looking gypsy shop. Apparently the gypsy sold little trinkets and tarot card readings. It cost a lot of money to get there... but we were poor. 
    I knew my dad had this gold watch, though. I could ask him for the watch, but I doubt he'd let me have it. I could ask him for the watch, or I could just take it. I wasn't sure.

    Later, I heard a knock on the door. Father answered it, and it was Sam, a friend of my dad's. He came to check out the castle and look around.
    "Wowie, David. You and your dad sure are lucky!" Sam said, excited.
    "Haha... not that lucky." David replied.
    "Well, to me, you're one lucky kid. How many kids get to live in a castle, huh?"
    "Well... we're poor anyway. You know that, Sam." I said, getting up to leave.
    "Where ya goin' kiddo? I just got here!"
    I stopped in my tracks and thought of an excuse. "I've... got to get something. For the castle. To make it... more of a home. You know. Maybe blankets or ...stuff." I said, snatching the watch from an end table near the door and quickly putting it in my pocket.
    Father looked my way, "Well, you be home by dusk, got it? There's dangerous things in these woods and I don't wanna have to come looking for you!"
    "Alright. I'll be back." I said, leaving the castle and setting off to the shop.

    After walking a few miles out of the forrest and into the city, I tried to remember where the shop was. I remember seeing on the map on the internet that it was just opened between a bar and a small restaraunt. I knew the restaraunt, so I hightailed it there. Luckily I remembered correctly, because there it was. A creepy shop, probably run by the creepy gypsy lady that was supposed to work there.

    I opened the doors to the shop, and a little bell indicated that I'd entered. The place seemed stale and dusty, like it hadn't been cleaned in months. I decided to see if the shopkeep was in.
    "Hello? Is anyone here?" I called in. "Hello? I... I'm looking for the shopkeep?" I entered the shop a bit more, closing the door behind me. I could hear some rustling coming form the back of the shop.
    "Hello, hello, child. You seek my wares?" The creepy gypsy's voice was almost as stale as the air in the shop. She was old. Her clothes reminded me of Esmerelda from that disney movie, but she was clearly old, like a granny. "I have no time for foolish games, so purchase something or please leave - I am very busy!"
    "I'm um... I'm looking for a curse." I said, approaching the desk.
    "Why would you seek such a thing, boy?" The gypsy snarled. "My spells are rare and unheard of and why, you have... you have nothing! You could not pay for my services!" The gypsy lightly pushed me toward the door. "No money? No spells, Boy."
    I gripped the sides of the door as she was pushing me out. "Wait! I have something that you might want."
    "Do you now?" the gypsy said, allowing me to come back inside. "Very well. Let's see, Boy, let's see."
    I pulled the gold watch out of my pocket. The little bit of light shining through the dusty windows made the watch glitter, and the gypsy's eyes became fixed on the shiny tricket. "So... what do you say? Is this good?"
    "Ah... dear Lad." The gypsy said, taking the watch in her hands. "Yes, this is very rare indeed!. Come in, come in my young friend. This watch is certainly more rare than my other valuables. Where ever did you find such a thing?"
    "It belonged to my father. We are desperate." I told the gypsy about our money troubles, and how a cursed, haunted place would attract visitors would help us get more money to live off of. "So you see... if we can make the castle into like... an attraction... we could still be able to make a good living and have money for food and heat."
    "What kind of curse might you be seeking, young lad? You do know that black magic is not to be used for fun or for wealth, don't you? Then again... I'm a black magic user myself, and with a piece of clockwork this fine, I might be able to let it slide."
    "I need a werewolf curse."
    "What? Why would you choose that over something more... practical?"
    "People in our area are nuts for wolves. Storybook stuff..."
    "Well, alright. I can't say 'no' to a trinket this valuable. Pity you spend it on a curse." the gypsy said, cackling lightly and searching through her books and parchments. "Ah, here we are. This... oh this is the granddaddy of all werewolf curses." In the book she opened, a key fell into her palm. With it, she unlocked a small chest and in the chest was a small wooden box. "This is a coin, cursed with the spirit of an enraged, foul creature. The great Silver Wolf's spirit resides in this coin, and whoever touches this will be forever cursed to become a werewolf on the full moon of each month!'
    "I don't... want to curse people, I want to curse the building!" I said, confused.
    "My boy. If simply left unattended, it will release a creepy energy that will allow others to think the place is haunted. Why, they'll believe it so much, they'll think twice before returning to that castle of yours!" The gypsy cackled with much energy. "So... is this fine?"
    "Yes... this is fine." I said, a bit uneasy. "So... thanks for the--"
    "Oh no you don't! There is more to this. A contract, you see."
    "Contract?" I said, sitting back down. "Okay..."
    The gypsy pulled out a piece of paper with a line at the bottom for my signature. "You must agree to the terms and conditions of using my wares, agreeing that you payed for the item and that you can't return it - the nature of the product, you understand." She slid the paper to me a bit, pointing with her bony finger to the line where I would have to sign. "Sign it here... and this curse is yours and yours alone, Boy."
    As I signed it slowly, I could see the gypsy pulling it out of the box with her long, black fingernails. My heart began to pound.
    "I thought... you couldn't touch it."
    "Silly boy. I'm not touching it. My nails are. Folicles - not flesh. If you touch this with your flesh, you will become cursed. I am not stupid, silly Boy." As she raised the coin from its box, it released a small red aura and whispers filled the air. She layed the coin in a soft, red cloth and wrapped it carefully, covering it in a powder to seal the curse within the cloth and put it back into the wooden box. "This makes the coin yours. Here is your curse."
    "Thank you... say, how much was that watch worth, anyway?"
    "A lot more than a silly curse." the gypsy cackled. "Oh, I suppose you'll be wanting some money for this too, along with the coin." 
    "That would be nice. My father would probably not be too happy if I came back with only a coin in a cloth. I don't know how much it's worth...so... fifty dollars?"
    "A deal it is!" Cackled the gypsy. "Here you are, Child. Do come again." she said, handing me a check for fifty dollars. So not only did I get what I needed, but also some money for supper tonight. Father was sure to be proud of me. If he asked me about the watch, I would have to lie, but I had a good reason, I think.

    As I left the shop, I rememberd something I wanted to ask the gypsy, but as I turned around to re-enter the shop, I came face to face with a brick wall. It was as if the shop was never there. "Wow..." I thought to myself. I checked my pockets. Yes, the fifty dollars was there. Yes I had the coin's box in my hands. It was all real. Creeped out... I decided to just walk back home. I decided to run - something in me just felt like running. I was so excited to tell Father that I got what we needed.

    When I got home, I ran up to my father, excited. "Father! I got it! I looked and looked and I found it. I got the curse!"
    "Let me see that." Father demanded.
    "No! The gypsy said if you touch the coin you'll be cursed."
    "Your leg might'a been pulled, Son, now let me see!'
    "No, Dad. It's no joke! I had to sign a contract and everything. I saw it glow!"
    "Hogwash, Kid. Here... put it in the basement - I'm busy right now, I need to get some things done - my job's never done." Father turned to me, anger in his eyes. I don't think he seemed this angry before. "And on top of the endless work I have to do, I misplaced your Grandpa's old gold watch. Damn it all! If you see that thing, you tell me, y'hear?"
    "Yes, Father." I said. I did as Father said and went to the basement to find a spot for the coin. I could hear talking upstais, so I climbed the stairs, the coin still in my hands, to see who it was. It was one of my father's assistant workers who came to help with the welding of the armor. He walked in, greeting my father, and suddenly fell out of nowhere.
    "Ah!" the worker yelled. "My... my leg!"
    "What happened?" Father came running to the worker.
    "My leg! I... I don't know. I just fell and I think it's broken."
    "The curse." I said. "Dad! The curse! I said it was real."
    "What curse?" the worker on the floor wailed in pain.
    "David you hush!" 
    "No, Dad, the curse is real! See? I'll prove it!" I said, running to the coin in the basement.
    "David? David you get back here and help! Agh. Sorry, man. That boy..."
    "He makes me angry... didn't bother to even help." the worker said. "That thing in his hands. What was that? It was glowing... agh, never mind. Help me up."

    I figured my brother was upstairs, so I went to look for him. This castle was huge, so he could have been anywhere. I decided to call out for him, but there was no answer. I set the coin, still in the box, down on a table nearby.
    "Brother? Are you here?" I figured he might be angry at me. He gets mad at me often, no idea why. But everyone was pretty upset today, and I had no idea why. "You here? I need you!" Where he was, I didn't know. As I turned to leave the room to look for my brother, I heard some whispers. I turned and saw an aura surround the box the coin was in, but it wasn't on the table. It was in my brother's hands. He seemed to be in a trans and slowly started to lift the lid.
    "No! Put it down! Stop!" I shouted. "Please!" I yanked the box from his hands and closed the lid. "This isn't a toy, alright?"
    "Woah." My brother said, snapping out of the trans. "I've... seen some pretty rare stuff, but this has to be the raddest thing ever!"
    "I know... sure is something." I replied.
    My brother stepped closer to look at the box. "Did you ever open it?"
    "Nope... and I can't. I don't think I will."
    "That sucks. What good is a present you can't open?"
    "It's not a present... and ... I agreed to a contract to never open the box or touch the coin inside."
    "Whatever... but man, what a sweet set of symbols. Nice, David." my brother said, patting me on the back and leaving the room. Feeling my brother be nice to me for a change was pretty nice. It was a first, I'll give you that. Still, I thought I should still keep a close eye on him. I can't risk this box being taken away where I can't keep a watch over it.

    I went to my bedroom and sat on my bed. Looking at the box, something felt right. Something felt wrong. Something felt... just all over. Power? Money? Magic? No idea what it was but it was such a strong feeling. Still, why was my brother so nice to me?
    As I lay down in my bed, clutching the box in my arms for safety. I closed my eyes and tried to fall asleep. Something in the back of my mind just knew that my brother wanted to take this curse for all the wrong reasons. He thinks it's just some "rad" toy. That must be it. In no time at all, I fell asleep... unsure of what the next day of having this box would bring me.


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## Chary (Dec 20, 2012)

Hey, pretty cool story. I like it!


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## steve007 (Dec 20, 2012)

Chary said:


> Hey, pretty cool story. I like it!


 

Well I need to do A lot its gonna cost me 400.00 for A artist shes being cheep to me she in joys my idea's as well


I am the Witter and some what of the artist as well , But no match of an Artist then Lucky978 shes the best 

Editor  By Jessy Griffin , Jason Barnum   my friends grandmother 

My Uncle Rudy works with Warner Bros !

Artist : Stephen R Ashley Jr. , Luckey978  link to her art http://www.deviantart.com/print/23737647/

I just  hope she Allows me to use this sick art in my book to bring the characters out in the book .




*http://www.google.com/url?sa=t&rct=...-0kh6X2wbchBKdCGP_F_g&bvm=bv.1355534169,d.dmQ*


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## tatripp (Dec 20, 2012)

Why are you writing this story? Is it for you own enjoyment or are you trying to get it published?
I have a few tips for you to consider when revising this chapter:

Make the story and characters relatable to everyone.
You need to create a setting. I can't imagine the setting myself if I don't have any details. If you make the characters living in a castle, you should describe the castle especially since it seems like it will be important later.
Make sure that dialogue is telling us specific traits about a character.
I have a hard time believing that some people would just check the internet to get their castle cursed. You have to give the characters a reason to be desperate enough to stoop to believing superstition to curse their castle.
You definitely need to explain how they obtained the castle. As a reader, I really want to know this. I can suspend my disbelief to believe in magic and curses, but I can't be tricked into believing that a family just won a castle in some drawing without a good explanation. When David says "some kind of contest" it implies that he doesn't even know how his father won a castle. If I lived in a castle, I would know how my family obtained it.
Make some sort of philosophical point behind your story. You can use your story to comment on society, human behavior, love, or anything else. Witty philosophical observations can help develop characters and help the reader relate better to a character or situation.
I am also amazed at how bad your grammar was in this post (2 apostrophe mistakes, bad punctuation, intended to use 'here,' and random capital letters), but your grammar in the story was practically perfect. Good luck.


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## Gahars (Dec 20, 2012)

I have a few questions and concerns, like...



Spoiler




Did people still build castles in the 1800s?
What would an 1800s castle look like?
Do they just give away castles in lotteries?
How does this family manage to live in one? What about heating? Internet? Taxes? Food? Plumbing?
Shouldn't they be dead by now?
Why not sell the property and move someplace actually livable?
So the family doesn't sell it because of the father's "pride." Has anyone called the father out for being a selfish, oblivious manchild callously endangering the well being of his family?
Who calls their dad "father" all the time? Why all the strange formality?
So we have David and the father. Is there a mother? If not, why not?
Does Renaissance Fair Blacksmith even exist as a career option? How does one train for such a job?
Why would a Renaissance Fair hire a legitimate blacksmith? Is there really a strong enough demand to justify the costs? Aren't there are far more inexpensive alternatives?
How long is the Renaissance Fair even open for? Could this sustain any family, even one below the poverty line?
How does the rest of the family feel about the father's awful career choice?
Do people like seeing wolves enough to spur tourism? Do people like wolves outside of a zoo-setting at all?
What do werewolves have to do with anything now?
Why is getting cursed "for real" so important? Why not just pass it off as cursed? People do that on shows like Ghost Hunters all the time and people still flock to them.
Are you aware that "gypsies" is a derogatory term for the Roma people?
Why is the father so ethnically insensitive?
Why does the father think that witches use the internet and actively advertise their existence?
How do you blankets make the castle more of a home?
The above line makes it appear as if the family just moved into the castle, which contradicts the earlier descriptions. Why the discrepancy?
Why is the journey to the shop so uneventful? It seems like the perfect opportunity to lay down some foreshadowing and portents for the shenanigans that are sure to come.
So the castle is apparently miles away from the nearest city. Which city? Do they have to walk all the way over whenever they want food or other supplies? That'd be awfully inconvenient if they needed medical attention. Does anyone care that their abode is a potential death sentence?
You shouldn't describe characters as "Like Other Character X, But Distinguishing Feature Y." Tell us for yourself. What if the reader has never seen the Disney adaptation of The Hunchback of Notre Dame?
The women says she is busy - doing what? Is she just rude to all potential customers? That seems like a pretty poor business strategy.
How is a gold watch more valuable than enchanted, mystical items?
So the father allows the family to live in squalor while owning a gold watch and a castle. Does he just not give a shit?
What black magic user openly advertises that they are a black magic user? If I was a black magic user, I might be more discrete about using black magic, just in case.
If her shop is so deserted, how does she earn enough money to pay for the rent?
Does she teleport her shop away to get out of paying the rent? Where does she teleport the shop to? Does she have to pay the rent there?
Is scaring people away from the castle a viable tourism strategy?
Why not advertise it based on its historical significance? Then you don't have to deal with "creepy energy."
What is "creepy energy"?
Why are curses so technical about hair follicles? Who cast them, nerds?
What bank does this woman belong to? Will the check bounce? $50 dollars seems like an extremely small amount of cash to write a check for. Why not just cash out a $50 dollar bill? Does she just hate revered Union General Ulysses S. Grant? Does that make her a Confederate sympathizer?
The woman gives him $50 dollars. So that means that this story takes place in the United States?
What castles are there in the United States?
Are "gypsies" a fixture in United States culture? That's more of a European thing.
How does a tragic on-site accident prove the curse is real? Maybe the guy just has awful luck, or came to the job inebriated. Maybe he's out for an insurance claim.
How does the father afford an assistant?
So there's a brother now? Why are we only hearing about him now? Is he younger or older than David? Are there other family members we just haven't been told of yet?
Power? No one man should have all that.
Money? It's a gas.
Magic? You know. Never believe it's not so.
Do people still think that things are "rad"?
Is the brother, by any chance, a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle?



And we're still in Chapter 1. I think that if you're serious about publishing this story, some serious revision and rethinking will be required.


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## Shinigami357 (Dec 20, 2012)

Um... Sorry, I was laughing so hard at Gahars' post.

Anyway...

So, yeah, it seems you like to write. That's good. I'm not going to go all nitpicky on you; just one small detail.



> Later, I heard a knock on the door. Father answered it, and it was Sam, a friend of my dad's. He came to check out the castle and look around.
> "Wowie, David. You and your dad sure are lucky!" Sam said, excited.
> "Haha... not that lucky." David replied.


 
So, the story's told in first-person, but when David speaks, it suddenly switches over to narrator POV? Is this just a slip-up? [everywhere else it goes 'I said', so I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt]


Anyway, GL HF...

Oh, and, you should prob look into getting this moved into the Art Studio [just contact your friendly (or not-so-friendly, as the case may be) mod]... that's where all Temper-made content goes.


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## emigre (Dec 20, 2012)

Gahars said:


> _snip_


 
Maybe he's going to reveal all that in the forthcoming chapters? Though admittedly, I did question which right thinking man would specialise in making swords in the late twentieth and early twenty-first century.


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## Guild McCommunist (Dec 20, 2012)

My favorite part was when you learn Alucard was just Dracula the whole time.


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## steve007 (Dec 21, 2012)

This is my demo page two .

In joy

Cursed Spirits: A Silver Wolf's Tale

Chapter Two: I Thought I Knew You.

That night, I held the box tightly in my arms as I slept. I remember having a nightmare about my brother trying to take the box from me. I could feel myself tossing and turning in my sleep, and sometimes I could faintly hear myself mumbling, "No, Brother. N-no! You can't... have my... box."
I woke up from the nightmare and all I could think about was my brother trying to take this cursed coin out of the box, and if that happened, he'd either release the curse to wreak havoc, or have himself turned into a werewolf, like the gypsy said. I opened the box carefully and surely, the coin was still safely inside, wrapped in the soft cloth and still covered in the strange powder. "Thank goodness... it's packed and tight." I muttered to myself.

I sat up in bed a while after closing the box. I set it in front of me and just stared at it. Thinking about why I had such a violent, freaky dream. All I could think to myself is that I should have this put away from everyone it's dangerous to. Somebody could get hurt, or worse, my brother could use it in the wrong way. "Wow..." I whispered. "A curse... it's like having a full time job. Wonder how that gypsy felt having to watch this thing all the time." I had half a mind to just use the curse on myself so nobody could abuse it, after all - I payed for this curse, not to babysit a damn coin. The more I thought about it, the more interesting it sounded. "If I became a werewolf... nobody could push me around anymore."
"Who you talkin' to, squirt?" my brother said, startling me.
I jumped a little. "Huh? Oh... myself. Just thinking."
"You still didn't open the box?" he asked.
"Nope..." I replied.
My brother crossed his arms and leaned against the doorframe, his eyes focused on the box, like he thought it was going to move. "What's the point of having that rad box if you can't even open it? Lame... well, let me open it then, since you're too chicken." he said, grabbing at the box.
"No! Give it back! You don't understand... come on!" I yelled.
"Nope. I can't. I'm trying to be a good brother and help you get over this." my brother said, sarcastically. He tried to open it, but it remained tightly closed. "Open up, you stupid box! Come on!" he said, trying to pry the box open with his hands. "I'm not that weak!"
I laughed as my brother yelled at the box, making himself look like an idiot. I don't think I've ever laughed that hard. Finally my brother had been shown up!
"I take it back... this box isn't so rad. It's stupid! It's so lame. What a waste of my time!" he shouted, throwing box at the wall. As it hit the wall, the box unlocked, and suddenly, whispers of weird languages seeped from the box, and my ears rang so loud my head became sore.
"Close the box!" I shouted
"What?" my brother yelled. He couldn't even hear me, his ears were ringing too.
"Why did you throw it?!" I hollard as loud as I could.
"I didn't throw it that hard!"
My father rushed upstairs, holding his head by his ears. "Why did you get that?!" He yelled. "I said! Why did you get that monstrosity? And where's my watch, Boy?"
None of us could hear him. The ringing in our ears was too loud. I crawled to the box, almost in tears as the pain was so harsh. I finally got to the box and closed it. "Finally."
"What was that?" My father asked. "And where the hell is my watch? That was your granddaddy's watch. It was worth a lot and Sam said he saw you poking around the table before you left yesterday."
"Dad... I just..."
"Oh boy... here we go. I don't wanna miss this." My brother said, sitting on my bed and waiting for the storm I was due for.
"Boy?" My father said, sternly.
"I... I sold it to the gypsy lady for this curse." I said, hanging my head.
"You..." My father said, sounding angrier. "You sold it to a gypsy for a stupid, damned box?" he yelled. I gripped the box tightly in my arms. "How could you do that?!"
"Dad I was trying to help! You said if you could make this place into a haunted house type castle, that it would bring people to pay to see it!"
"I was brainstorming, kid! You stole from me! I'm your father - I provide for you and this is what I get?" he yelled. "Was that box worth it? Huh?"
"In the end dad... I know it will be! Just like you said... I'm sorry." I said, sadly.
After a moment of silence, Father looked at me and sighed. "I understand. Your heart was in the right place. Well we don't have much to do now but grin and bare it." He wiped his face off with the cloth in his pocket. "What's done is done... I just hope it was worth the watch."
"Oh... I forgot. I also got fifty dollars, it was worth so much... but, I want you to have it. Dad. I'm really sorry." I said, handing my father over the money from my pocket.
"You're a good lad deep down, David." Father said.
"That's it?" my brother scoffed. "I wanted to see punishment. I'm goin' outside." he said, leaping off my bed and heading to the door.
"Not so fast, Kevin." Dad called. "You and David are gonna help me make weapons for the fair. My best worker broke his leg and you know I can't do it alone."
"Dad... come on!" My brother complained.
"Let it be a lesson to you kids. David, for stealing, and Kevin for always trying to cause some trouble. Let's get to work, boys. And... keep that ... box up here. I don't want anymore problems with it."
"Yes, Father." I said.

After helping my father, my brother and I had a pretty neat idea that would help Dad achieve his 'haunted house' dream. Kevin and I thought maybe we could use some of the leftover renaissance fair stuff to decorate the castle in the main room to look more haunted. We took the idea to Father and he thought it would help. And it was a good bonding strategy. So we welded some knight armor statues and had them hold swords and hadn't cleaned much so it gets that stale, dusty look to it.

In almost no time at all, the place sure looked haunted. We even loosened some of the floor boards so they creaked a little as you walked on them. My brother and I were tired from working on this for a whole week, but Father sure seemed proud.
"Great job, boys! People are sure gonna be lining up all over just to see this place!" Father said, handing us both a soda.
"This is gonna be a doozy of a haunted house." my brother said.
"Doozy?" Father asked. "You're talking street again... what's that mean?"
"Doozy just means, like... 'it's gonna be a big one'... big event." I said.
Dad chuckled and sat down in the old armchair near a dusty old bookcase. "Wish you kids would just speak like human beings to me sometimes. Eh... kids will be kids."

After an hour or so of rest, there was a knock at the door, and it creaked open. We didn't exactly hear it though, because the room we were in was far from the main foyer. "Hello? Anyone home? It's me, Sam!" He stepped in, proving to us that our creaky floor boards were a success. "I heard the good news! Your dad's wares for the fair are done, just came by to check them out. Hello? Eh. Probably in his shop..." Sam muttlered. He decided to call louder. "Anyway, I wanted to say congrats! Your sister saw on TV about the castle; she was thinking of flyin' up to see you guys! Hello?"
By the time I could hear Sam's voice, I raced to see him just as he was leaving.
"Well, alright, I guess I'll come back later." Same said.
"No! We're here! Sorry Sam. Place is so big, I didn't hear you right away." I said.
"Oh - so you were in the Smithy?" Sam chuckled. "Can I come back?"
"Sure. Come on back this way. Oh, Dad wanted me to ask you if you wouldn't mind selling some tickets to see the castle?" I asked, telling Sam about how we dressed the place up to make it look haunted. "So we're thinking of giving a tour of a 'haunted castle' for some extra cash."
"Sure, little man. I'd love to help. Where's your Dad? I came to pick up the swords."
"He's just over by the ovens." I said. "Dad!"
"Yeah, David." Dad replied.
"I'm going upstairs for a minute, okay?"
"Don't be long, there's company over. It'd be rude to stay away too long."
"Alright. Be back soon."

Upstairs, I checked on the coin. I opened the box a little. Sure enough, the cloth was still on it, the coin was still wrapped, and the powder still covered the cloth. I'm not sure why, but I really wanted to check on it often. I was so attached to this coin. If anything were to happen to it... I'd go mad.
Soon, I heard my door open. "David, it's Sam. You left your-- woah. What's that?"
"Nothing!" I said, closing the box.
"Nonsense, Kiddo. What is it? I won't tell."
"Well... It's a curse."
Sam laughed. "A curse? Come on, those are stories. Nightmares, David."
"No, Sam. It's true! It's a cursed coin. I got it from a gypsy and it's cursed with a werewolf spirit. If anyone touches it, they'll become a werewolf. If it just sits here, the energy it gives off makes the place feel haunted. It's to help with the tour." I explained.
"Well, if you say so. Can I see?" Sam asked, reaching toward the box.
"I don't know if it's safe, Sam." I said.
"I'll be careful. I won't even touch it." Sam said. "I promise."
"Well... okay. It's in a cloth, so uh..." I said, looking around my nightstand. I found a pencil with a sharp tip. I opened the box and used the tip of the pencil to flap open the red cloth. "See?"

The coin glowed a blood red aura. It gave off a negative energy, giving off a pressure like someone was squeezing you tightly. As it glowed, Sam's eyes widened. "I've never... seen anything like it. What... is it... really cursed?"
"Yeah it is... but don't touch it."
"My God... does your father--"
"Yeah he knows... I sold... the watch for it... kind of. More of a trade."

The coin's aura grew stronger and whispers escaped the box again in a language none of us could understand. It was soothing, silky, and in a way it was kind of mesmerizing. I flapped the cloth over the coin and closed the box. "That's enough... I want to be careful."
Sam managed to snatch the box from me. He tried to open it but couldn't. "It's stuck."
"No it's not. Kevin tried to open it too, but he couldn't. Even through the dang thing at the wall. Almost broke it, I think. Made our ears ring like mad."
"Maybe it only opens for you, huh?"
"Maybe." I said. "Think it was meant for me?"
Sam spoke in a language I couldn't understand, which scared me a little.
"What? Sam? Are you alright?" I asked, taking the box away from him.
"Huh? Yeah... uh... I'm okay. What happened?"
"You said... uh... something. I can't say it but... it was like another language."
"I only know English, kiddo." Sam said, as if nothing happened.
"The curse..." I whispered to myself. "It's trying to talk to me or something..."
"David?" Sam said. "Can I see it... one more time?"
I looked at Sam, his eyes turned to a pale white. "I don't... think you should see it."
"Give me the box, David." Sam's voice sounded like three voices at once. "Give me the power I seek, David. Give me the power so I may ressurect the Eye of Garuto. Give me the curse!"
"No!" I shouted, clutching the box in my arms, cornered in my room. My heart was racing and I was scared. Sam wasn't himself anymore, not in the least! I thought I knew him. I've never seen this kind of behavior in Sam before. What if Sam never was himself? I thought I knew him. If there was anything I knew for sure, it was that I had to keep this box closed at all times. No more free looks! To Be Continued...  (No More freebies  you have to buy  the book )


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## Gahars (Dec 21, 2012)

Alright, I have more questions, concerns, and observations, like...



Spoiler




How has no one asked "WHAT'S IN THE BOX?" by this point?
Does this scene mean that David has a squeezed-box AND he never sleeps at night?
Why are we just told matter-of-factly that David had this nightmare? Wouldn't specific details and vivid descriptions engage the audience more? Remember, "Show, don't tell" is the golden rule.
Is that "strange powder" cocaine? Because that would explain everything.
Did I just spoil the ending?
So it seems that the father passed his ethnic insensitivity down to David. Will he overcome this prejudice over the course of the novel, or are werewolves more important than the Roma people's ongoing struggles with discrimination and persecution?
"Packed and tight." Heh heh heh.
"A curse... it's like having a full time job." So the father knows nothing about it?
Okay, it's magic, but the curse doesn't seem all that consistent. So it breaks people's legs until it turns people into werewolves? What is this, Wolf-fellas?
If becoming a wolf is such an attractive proposition, isn't that a pretty bad punishment? Shouldn't a curse be something you don't want?
Who says "squirt" outside of narratives revolving around bowel movements?
Is the brother still trying to make "rad" happen? Does he realize that "rad" is not happening?
So if the brother could snatch the box with no trouble, doesn't that make David completely incompetent and ineffectual as its protector?
Huh. I guess you could say David's brother "threw" the "boxing-match". Heh heh heh.
How has someone who loses a fight with a box never been "shown up" before. I know we're talking about castle-lotteries and werewolves, but this really stretches my suspension of disbelief.
Why does no one seem to particularly care that the box talked. Once its closed, no one brings it up again. If I had a box and it talked to me, I might be somewhat startled and worried. You know, somewhat.
How does the box ring? Like a phone?
A ringing box? Is it asking them to call it? Maybe?
Why does the father completely forget about the mystery of the ringing box in seconds? Why is the lost watch more pressing than a ringing box? Is he that single minded?
"...Waiting for the storm I was due." Am I the only one getting weird vibes from this? There are some creepy overtones all over this. David shouldn't be calling upon ancient curses; he should be calling child services!
Why hasn't child services already intervened? Isn't it painfully clear that this man is ill-fit to care for children? Will this become I Am Sam with werewolves?
So the father's obsessive fury over the lost watch could be bought over with a $50 check? Is this a common practice in their household? Doesn't that set a bad example?
Isn't having children work in blacksmithing extremely dangerous, not to mention immoral and illegal?
Seriously, why all the formality? Why is their father only called, well, "Father"? Are these the Delightful Children from Down the Lane?
Is this just some sort of cult? Is the family's last name "Manson"?
Who's Kevin? Is that the brother? Why are we only learning his name now?
Why do David and Kevin know so much about interior decorating? Is this knowledge common among children of Renaissance Fair Blacksmiths?
To attract tourists, they make their only home as squalid as possible. Why does this seem like a horrible idea? Why does their father have absolutely no objections?
There's a sister in the family now?
Is Sam just making that up? If so, is this technically a "sister act"?
Why is the coin David's "precious" all of a sudden?
Does Sam have no sense of privacy?
Why is this grown man sneaking into a child's bedroom? Why haven't child services arrived yet? Did they get a flat tire?
Why does David so freely describe the "curse" to anyone and everyone? Isn't that something that should be kept secret? It would stop people from trying to get their mitts on the macguffin coin.
What is negative energy? I give off negative energy whenever I suffer bouts of constipation? Is this the same thing?
Can curses coins get constipated?
Why is David so frightened by multilingualism? Isn't this something that we as culture should embrace?
So, this coin can possess people now? What can't it do?
When did this story become my last D&D session?
Is "The Eye of Garuto" the "Eye of Naruto" but with a "g" to avoid litigation?
What is The Eye of Garuto? Why does it need to be resurrected? Why is the coin acting so obviously evil? Does it want to lose?
Why resurrect just this eye? Why not resurrect the whole body?
Um... did Sam just become the Nightman?



So yeah, there's still some headscratch-worthy holes in the story. Now, I'm being nitpicky, sure, but these are things that other readers will pick up on as well - if you don't nip these issues in the bud now, that's going to be seriously damaging to the final product.


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