# I lack in self-confidence *cry*



## Youkai (Jun 1, 2010)

Well hi, ...

I have a "problem" I am 22 (not much longer till 23) and i never had a girlfriend (*cry*)

When I was really in big love not just some kids play when i was like 14-15 the girl I loved told me after i finaly got to tell her my feelings that the is lespian and already has a girlfriend (noone knew up till than) 
that made my self-confidence go to the bottom and even lower ...
I never go into a Disco or Pub and hardly do anything "interesting" for most ppl.

Beeing an Japan fan together with Anime and Manga I did cosplay at the last japanese festival near where i live and several ppl just spoke to me without knowing me ... that gave me some self confidence especially cuz there were some girls that talked to me 
	

	
	
		
		

		
			





Well I was verry nervous and had problems talking with all the ppl ....
still I was so hyped about all those ppl talking to me that after that festival I wrote into a Anime board about searching a girlfriend and i even put up a photo ... 2 girls answered to that searching call and one is mega great and even only after two days i feel like i am in love oO (well i know its to early) 
She did send me some pics of her and we talked both days we now know each other for like 5 hours over ICQ, but its very very hard for me cuz I allways think "what if she does not like how I look" and "what if i say something wrong oO" ....

cuz i wrote that i have problems with talking to girls she says its ok if i say something wrong and so on but i still am not confident enough.
The Picture she saw of me was more or less the completely opposite of what i am normaly and I really am "boring".


Any tips what i should do ?
Already checked if she likes the same Music as me and if i knew it she likes exactly what i don't like oO (even thaught she send me some youtube links for her songs and i "liked" those songs)
and I saw here photos ... she is "small" which I like and very slim while i am ... well not big but not slim at all ... i have 85kg with a size of 1,73m ..
the only sport i do is table tennis while she plays tennis, snooker, golf and dances 
...

i think i have no chance when she starts knowing me better *cry*


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## yuyuyup (Jun 1, 2010)

Chicks are only attracted to assholes for some reason, I don't get women at all I'd rather just beat my own god damn meat


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## Youkai (Jun 1, 2010)

oO and i thaught it was only here in Germany ... so girls are the same all over the world .... 

well i talked with her about this the first day we were writing each other and she says that in her opinion girls who like such idiots are stupid themselves XD


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## berlinka (Jun 1, 2010)

Well hopefully it makes you more confident if I told you that maybe 1 in 4 people is very unsure about his or herself and in relationships it's maybe even worse. I also lacked self confidence, although people could not tell, but I just felt it from the inside. I never had a "real" girlfriend until I was 21. And luckily for me she eventually became my wife and we still are very happy.

I think you must not try too hard and start seeing the positive and good things about yourself. If you start liking yourself, you will notice for a fact that other people will like you more too.

Good luck and start believing in yourself mate!


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## Danny600kill (Jun 1, 2010)

I'm 16 and I'm now with my second girl friend, I know what you mean as my first was last year, I don't lack confidence as such in general but I did with girls, after you finally have that first one you'll be boosted hugely, trust me. I really do love my current girl and I feel so great

Just go with it, I'm sure you will be fine and this girl you like will like you back. I wish you good luck and know it will go well.


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## Blood Fetish (Jun 1, 2010)

Get your ass offline and talk to people. Conversation is just as much a skill as riding a bike. You only improve through practice.


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## TrolleyDave (Jun 1, 2010)

Blood Fetish's words are very wise!  It's all about experience.  The more you realise that people like you the more confident you'll become.  The more confident you become the better you'll feel.  The better you feel the more women (and just people in general) will become attracted you!

The other route you can take is to just cast off confidence all together.  Just stop caring what people think of you and whether they like you or not.  Confidence is a powerful weapon that can keep you trapped in a shell.  Disarm the weapon, break the shell and you'll see the world in a completely different light!  Join some groups in your area where people have similar interests to you.  It's always a good place to start.  You know you'll have stuff in common with most people there so it takes alot of the burden away of whether you'll be able to start or join a conversation.

And when it comes to women don't care about rejections.  I've been rejected loads of times, but at the same time I've had loads of women.  I've never really been an asshole either.  Ok, well maybe a little but not in that way. lol  Just remember, it's not the end of the world if someone, woman or not, doesn't like you.  It's a big planet with lots of people!


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## Eighteen (Jun 1, 2010)

Aww don't worry too much about it.  
	

	
	
		
		

		
		
	


	



It's like that guy sais, the most girls are attracted to assholes. (not all girls but most)
But anyhoo, there's always somebody for everyone in the world, really trust me on that  
	

	
	
		
		

		
		
	


	




Don't be so down just because of this problem, though I can understand how you feel.
You will find someone when you least expect it I bet  
	

	
	
		
		

		
		
	


	




  !!
And remember Keep smiling no matter whaaaaaat !!!!


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## Alex666 (Jun 1, 2010)

Youkai said:
			
		

> Well hi, ...
> 
> I have a "problem" I am 22 (not much longer till 23) and i never had a girlfriend (*cry*)
> 
> ...



+1 xD

Only difference i got a girlfriend living almost 500 km away so we get to see each other like 4 times a year ^^

Gotta do small steps mate 
	

	
	
		
		

		
		
	


	




 When youre like so unconfident try do start out small. Get in touch with people on the bus or at school or whatever.
And do things on your own out there at places with many people 
	

	
	
		
		

		
		
	


	



like a mall or something 
	

	
	
		
		

		
		
	


	



do stuff which tells yourself that youre a nice person and adorable 
	

	
	
		
		

		
		
	


	



And about the girls... yeah most of them like those asshole guys but think about it that way in about 20 years everything will be ruled by computers and electronics and geeks like us will be reigning over those muscle pumped football guys 
	

	
	
		
		

		
		
	


	




Hope my English didnt suck too bad 
	

	
	
		
		

		
		
	


	




 but Im from Germany as well so forgive me 
	

	
	
		
		

		
		
	


	




Anyway which city do you live? maybe we can meet some time


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## Blood Fetish (Jun 1, 2010)

alphajaehoon said:
			
		

> It's like that guy sais, the most girls are attracted to assholes. (not all girls but most)


This simply isn't true. This is the excuse people give for their failure. Women (all people) are naturally attracted to confidence. People who you classify as assholes are all confident, so they will attract more potential mates and friends. "Nice guys" is typically code for a soft-spoken, wishy-washy, little wiener.


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## Blood Fetish (Jun 1, 2010)

http://www.heartless-bitches.com/rants/nic.../niceguys.shtml

Everyone who thinks they are being overlooked because they are such a "nice guy" needs to read this.


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## Alex666 (Jun 1, 2010)

@Blood Fetish

You arent a big help to this guy, really.

And being a "nice guy" isnt the same as being a loser. Treating women proberly doesnt mean youre a softy or something like this.
Its people like you causing other peoples problems! There are people out there who may have a hard time living their life and all you do is shitting on them by saying how stupid and loserish they are. Seems like thats the only way for YOU to prove yourself youre not a "loser" like the ones youre picking on right?

Sorry but hate people like this!!!


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## mameks (Jun 1, 2010)

@Youkai:- you'll be fine, don't worry, as long as you be yourself, or slightly more than, you do great. just don't try to be someone your not, she'll see right through you, and that won't go down well.
@Blood Fetish:- Seriously, your not helping...stop.


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## Blood Fetish (Jun 2, 2010)

Alex666 said:
			
		

> @Blood Fetish
> 
> You arent a big help to this guy, really.
> 
> ...


I didn't say all nice guys are losers. In fact, I didn't say anyone was a loser.

I don't really care if you want to read my advice or not. The OP asked for advice and I gave it. Actual, constructive advice that can be used in real life to better himself. Take it or leave it, but don't try and silence me just because you disagree with what I say.


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## Alex666 (Jun 2, 2010)

Blood Fetish said:
			
		

> I didn't say all nice guys are losers. In fact, I didn't say anyone was a loser.
> 
> I don't really care if you want to read my advice or not. The OP asked for advice and I gave it. Actual, constructive advice that can be used in real life to better himself. Take it or leave it, but don't try and silence me just because you disagree with what I say.



No you didnt say that. BUT what you did was sending out this link which - if i were him - would make me feel even worse!
Sure he has to get over himself in order to be more confident.
But he is desperate enought to post in here, so dont you think we should be a little more sensitive rather than being lets call it "over-direct" like you are?

Seems like you got the confidence he lacks in, but that doesnt mean you have to show it all over the place.
Just my opinion, no offense.


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## imshortandrad (Jun 2, 2010)

Well, being a woman, I must say that I am not attracted to assholes, haha.

Girls are attracted to all sorts of people. Some like quiet shy guys, while others like outgoing guys. You'll only get more confidence by just talking to people, and you will get better with more practice. You will find a girl who will like you for just the way you are. Girls definitely love respect, and not people who treat them like poop. Some girls will "settle" for assholes because there is not enough nice guys out there, that will get the courage to talk to them.






Just be who you are and be comfortable with yourself.


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## TrolleyDave (Jun 2, 2010)

Alex666 said:
			
		

> No you didnt say that. BUT what you did was sending out this link which - if i were him - would make me feel even worse!
> Sure he has to get over himself in order to be more confident.
> But he is desperate enought to post in here, so dont you think we should be a little more sensitive rather than being lets call it "over-direct" like you are?
> 
> ...



To be honest I think you're missing the point that Blood Fetish is trying to make.  There are guys who play the "Women only like assholes" card simply because they don't want to accept the fact that they could be at fault.  I've seen guys do it personally.  Women don't want a rock around their neck, they want a partner.


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## Blood Fetish (Jun 2, 2010)

Alex666 said:
			
		

> No you didnt say that. BUT what you did was sending out this link which - if i were him - would make me feel even worse!
> Sure he has to get over himself in order to be more confident.
> But he is desperate enought to post in here, so dont you think we should be a little more sensitive rather than being lets call it "over-direct" like you are?
> 
> ...


I first read that as "panther" and thought that was awesome. I want a woman with a panther.


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## TrolleyDave (Jun 2, 2010)

Blood Fetish said:
			
		

> I first read that as "panther" and thought that was awesome. I want a woman with a panther.



That would be pretty damn awesome!  I would marry a woman with a panther.


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## Alex666 (Jun 2, 2010)

TrolleyDave said:
			
		

> To be honest I think you're missing the point that Blood Fetish is trying to make.  There are guys who play the "Women only like assholes" card simply because they don't want to accept the fact that they could be at fault.  I've seen guys do it personally.  Women don't want a rock around their neck, they want a partner.



I know women dont want their partners to be a burden. But my opinion on topics like this was always to first of all listen and try to push the ego of the person with the problem rather thank giving a "kick in the ass" to open his/her eyes.

Dont know maybe im too sensitive myself but i to me it seemed like the OP just needed someone to listen.

And about playing that "Women only like assholes" card. Well, there are plenty of people doing this. Hell, even i did! But what im trying to state is, that Blood Fetish could have stated his opinion in a nicer way.

Again, no offense. 

PS: The OP seems to be in bed already, he will be surprised if he checks back tomorrow 
	

	
	
		
		

		
		
	


	





EDIT: My answering took too long. But as i said. I like sugar coated answers but actually get your point there. 
And about xcdjys answer.. HELL thats one long answer you got there but as far as i read it - totally agree!


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## mameks (Jun 2, 2010)

Alex666 said:
			
		

> PS: The OP seems to be in bed already, he will be surprised if he checks back tomorrow


+1


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## Zetta_x (Jun 2, 2010)

I was the most shyest anti-social person ever.

I got my first girlfriend when I was 18. I thought the first two years was the best thing that ever happened to me. We were in an awkward position because she threw herself at me when she already had a boyfriend. When they broke up she told me to wait to be an official relationship. Even though I was waiting, we did everything we would of done if we were in a relationship. In those two years, I opened up to everything... drinking, partying, hanging out, things other than math. I got so attracted to her, I thought she was so attracted to me, her constant lying really dug a hole in me. I found out after the first year she turned out to be the biggest lying son of a cheater I have ever seen. Even to this day, I am still haunted by the intense hurt I felt from her constant lying and cheating. She told me over and over that she loved me beyond anyone else and one day someone contradicted what she kept telling me.

Over facebook this guy was trying to tell me to back off. I was already in a secret relationship with her for over a year, put up with so much pain she caused me to finally see the day we were officially together. That day never came and I swear all the pain, all the pain I endured emotionally has led me to become who I am today.

I am a leader, I dedicate nearly all my time to learning stuff, I dedicate whatever I don't do to studying to becoming really fit and having incredible physical abilities. All the other spare time is catching up with a few old friends. I create my own morals, my own set of beliefs based on logic and mathematics. If I clearly see that no one is at a stop sign, I am going to run it. No point in wasting my breaks (and since deceleration is the inverse operation of acceleration I would have to waste gas to bring me back up to speed). To me that is not wrong, if the function of a stop sign is to enforce safety and I guarantee that it is safe to do so, then I will do it. I am one of the most outgoing and eccentric person I have ever seen. 

I have dated lots of people, done lots of things (I try and conquer my fear with everything), I don't even care what people think of me anymore. I scale large buildings just for the fun of it and I jog at three in the morning through a dark forest...I haunt ghosts... I have defined my own characteristics apart from what is normal and I pretty much approach everything in a logical and mathematical way. After years of intense mental pain, I finally reached a stage independent of societal beliefs. My life has not only altered into a direction in which it makes me happy, I finally feel I am on the road to being complete with or without someone by my side.

---

Why did I type all of this? The key point in this is that everyone has potential to happiness and satisfactions. What makes you happy and satisfied shouldn't be what society tells us we need (money, girlfriends...etc), it should be found by some self realization by some arbitrary event. In my case, I was able to find happiness by first experiencing what it's like to be ripped to pieces and thrown into hell for a couple years, hopefully you won't have to go through the same thing


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## Alex666 (Jun 2, 2010)

Spoiler






			
				Zetta_x said:
			
		

> I was the most shyest anti-social person ever.
> 
> I got my first girlfriend when I was 18. I thought the first two years was the best thing that ever happened to me. We were in an awkward position because she threw herself at me when she already had a boyfriend. When they broke up she told me to wait to be an official relationship. Even though I was waiting, we did everything we would of done if we were in a relationship. In those two years, I opened up to everything... drinking, partying, hanging out, things other than math. I got so attracted to her, I thought she was so attracted to me, her constant lying really dug a hole in me. I found out after the first year she turned out to be the biggest lying son of a cheater I have ever seen. Even to this day, I am still haunted by the intense hurt I felt from her constant lying and cheating. She told me over and over that she loved me beyond anyone else and one day someone contradicted what she kept telling me.
> 
> ...






T.T +1 and congrats to you! Touching story and definetly got my vote to be the most helping post (for the OP) so far 
	

	
	
		
		

		
		
	


	





PS: anyone please tell me how to put those quotes in "spoilers" because my posts are getting way to long this way.


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## Blood Fetish (Jun 2, 2010)

Alex666 said:
			
		

> Spoiler
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Use spoiler and /spoiler inside square brackets.


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## Alex666 (Jun 2, 2010)

Thanks for the help 
	

	
	
		
		

		
		
	


	




 edited it 
	

	
	
		
		

		
		
	


	




And i didnt mean to bring false hope to the OP. But i think that he needs hope to get up and get over himself instead of getting shown goals like "stop playing this women only like assholes card" which he might think he cant reach at all. 
You know like a basic amount of hope to get him working instead of throwing him down... 
But i do get your opinion 
	

	
	
		
		

		
		
	


	




No offense >.


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## Zetta_x (Jun 2, 2010)

Alex666 said:
			
		

> Spoiler
> 
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I think you sandwhiched the tags in the wrong order but you used the right tags


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## Alex666 (Jun 2, 2010)

xcdjy said:
			
		

> None taken, you said exactly what I think
> 
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> 
> ...



All right 
	

	
	
		
		

		
		
	


	




 seems like everyones starting to get along in this thread 
	

	
	
		
		

		
		
	


	




Anyway im off for today (its 1 am at my place xD)

Keep this topic going would love to read some more tommorow 
	

	
	
		
		

		
		
	


	



Gn8 or day or whatever time zone youre in to all of you 
	

	
	
		
		

		
		
	


	




PS: @Zetta_X as long as it shows up the way i want it to im totally fine 
	

	
	
		
		

		
		
	


	




 but thanks for your help as well 
	

	
	
		
		

		
		
	


	




 im kinda new here


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## TrolleyDave (Jun 2, 2010)

Alex666 said:
			
		

> And i didnt mean to bring false hope to the OP. But i think that he needs hope to get up and get over himself instead of getting shown goals like "stop playing this women only like assholes card" which he might think he cant reach at all.



Nobody was telling him he was playing that card.  Just that alot of people do and it's pretty much a myth that women only like assholes.  There are some that do there's no denying that, but most women want a guy who's confident, respectful, caring and all the other things that come with nice guys.


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## KevInChester (Jun 2, 2010)

Good luck Youkai, you've already made some very positive steps to remedying your situation.  This person you are talking to at the moment, they might not end up being 'the one' but, who knows.

They could however end up being a great friend, and they are another step in you getting yourself some self-confidence.  I'm also low on it, met my first proper girlfriend at 21, was with her 8 years - split up, met someone else, wasn't in a good emotional state and we split up.  Back with the original GF now.... but am still in pieces over the one that got away.  Love is a funny thing 
	

	
	
		
		

		
		
	


	




  Can be the greatest thing, can be the worst.  You will learn though, day by day.

+1 TrolleyDave btw.


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## Depravo (Jun 2, 2010)

I too lack self-confidence but I've never let it get in the way of sitting in my bedroom playing video games. On my own.


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## Zetta_x (Jun 2, 2010)

TrolleyDave said:
			
		

> Alex666 said:
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I agree that confidence is the support beam in just about everything. How you build confidence is the tricky part.

It's funny because the keystone to success is confidence and the keystone to failure is overconfidence. Confidence being an unmeasurable concept, it's really easy to slip from being someone who is 'confident' to someone who is 'overconfident.' The bounds between the two are undefined before a pre-existing reference point like between the 100% on math test 1 and 50% on math test 2. Also with confidences being unmeasurable adds in a third concept of lack of confidence which is the first barrier that must be obliterated before entering into the overconfidence/precise confidence range. I will tell you right now, I would rather be overconfident then not have any confidence at all. While failure is frowned upon, it is also the first step into success


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## Infinite Zero (Jun 2, 2010)

Bam! Dont worry! I lack in self confidence too. You are not alone..


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## TrolleyDave (Jun 2, 2010)

Zetta_x said:
			
		

> I agree that confidence is the support beam in just about everything. How you build confidence is the tricky part.
> 
> It's funny because the keystone to success is confidence and the keystone to failure is overconfidence. Confidence being an unmeasurable concept, it's really easy to slip from being someone who is 'confident' to someone who is 'overconfident.' The bounds between the two are undefined before a pre-existing reference point like between the 100% on math test 1 and 50% on math test 2. Also with confidences being unmeasurable adds in a third concept of lack of confidence which is the first barrier that must be obliterated before entering into the overconfidence/precise confidence range. I will tell you right now, I would rather be overconfident then not have any confidence at all. While failure is frowned upon, it is also the first step into success



The first step to confidence is self-realisation.  Step back from yourself and look at yourself honesty.  Don't sugarcoat your opinion of yourself, look at yourself warts and all.  Take stock of your character first and not your abilities.  And don't judge yourself by societal norms, judge yourself by what you believe makes a good person.  It's not money, it's not skills, it's not what you own or who you know.  It's about your core set of morals, your core values and the way you think.  If you can take stock of all those and come to an honest conclusion that you are a good person then you have every reason to be confident.  If you're a good person and you have respect for yourself then it shouldn't really bother you what anyone else thinks.  If there's something about you that feel needs improvement then work on a way to improve that.  Just the slightest improvement will increase your confidence.  Once you've come to the realisation that you're honestly happy with who you are you'll gain self-respect.  Self-respect is also a key ingredient to confidence.  If you can't respect yourself then how can you expect anyone else to respect you.

Once you've gained respect for yourself, not what you are but who you are, then you can move onto the physical things that you're unhappy with.  The one thing to remember when working on the physical things though is that not everybody is great, or even good, at everything.  There may be things you'd like to be brilliant at that you may never even get good at.  It's important to remember that because there's no point in ripping yourself to pieces over it.  There's nothing wrong with failure.  The only time there's something wrong with failure is when you refuse to learn from it, or when you cause your own failings but won't admit to it and blame everyone else around you.  There will be times when it's not your fault, but you also have to accept that there will be times when it is your fault.  Honesty about yourself is the key issue for confidence.  Like you say, failure may be frowned upon but it really is the first key to success.  And let's face it, the only way to truly know whether you're good at something is to try it.  If you're not good at it then why does it really matter, there's plenty of things out there that you can do if you get what I mean.  Another important part of confidence is realising that there will always be someone that's better or worse at whatever than you are, but then there'll be things you're better or worse at.  See the balance and learn to embrace it.

I think one of the problems with modern society is things are geared towards money, profit margins and that kind of thing.  Failure costs money so it's taught that it's a bad thing, and while it may be a bad thing in an accounts ledger failure can be one of the most liberating and educational processes there is.  It helps lead to self-realisation and self-actualisation.  I've failed many many many times in my life, it's not as big of a deal as people thinking.  I think the fear of failure is more crippling than the failure in most occasions.  Specially when it comes to something so small and trivial as asking a woman out.  So you got knocked back, it's really not that big of a deal.  You didn't get the job you applied for, there's worse things that could have happened.  To me confidence is really just a weapon used to keep people divided, insecure and subjugated.  If you free yourself from the constraints of confidence then the world will take on a whole new slant.


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## Zetta_x (Jun 2, 2010)

TrolleyDave said:
			
		

> Zetta_x said:
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TrolleyDave, I can't tell you how much this has appealed to me and I want to comment it, but because I am so heavily busy in my office I can't even have enough time to think about a response. Hopefully I remember to re-look at this when I get off of work but thumbs up on the post


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## Blood Fetish (Jun 2, 2010)

You are spot on with your comments regarding failure. Failure is a great thing if you have the right mindset. It is an opportunity to grow and learn from mistakes. Not being afraid to fail is one of the defining traits of any successful person.


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## yuyuyup (Jun 2, 2010)

One misstep and a woman will think your worse than hitler, it's an impossible uphill battle


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## Blood Fetish (Jun 2, 2010)

You sound like a nice guy.


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## Monkee3000 (Jun 2, 2010)

TrolleyDave said:
			
		

> Zetta_x said:
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I was gonna say that, but in the form of a cliche.

Ahem *puts on Jerry Springer voice*
"The first person you need to love............Is yourself"

But seriously I agree with what TrolleyDave has said.
I'd also like to add, Self-confidence is an illusion to hide ones Self-belief, which that person might be lacking.


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## Alex666 (Jun 2, 2010)

@trolleydave: +1 totally agree with that one.

@Blood Fetish: "You sound like a nice guy." xDDDD this one was epic 
	

	
	
		
		

		
		
	


	



Id consider myself a "nice guy" but im not too bad with the women. So its kinda offensive 
to me. But anyway its not because this answer was just so right 
	

	
	
		
		

		
		
	


	




@yupyupyup: Dont exagerate like that. I mean come on Hitler? xD I tell you something when a woman 
likes you she will easily overlook small misstakes. I mean i once cried in front of my  
girlfriend and got away just because i didnt want to go to her stupid family party. And guess
what she understood my feelings after i told her and the next day we were perfectly fine.
So like its been said: the fear of making a misstake is worse than any misstake you would
probably ever make 
	

	
	
		
		

		
		
	


	




No sign of the OP yet?!


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## TrolleyDave (Jun 2, 2010)

Monkee3000 said:
			
		

> I'd also like to add, Self-confidence is an illusion to hide ones Self-belief, which that person might be lacking.



Brilliantly put mate and totally agree with that.


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## Cyan (Jun 2, 2010)

I really liked all the comments here, they are true and well explained.
particularly TrolleyDave and xcdjy, or 5661 (or whatever name you have at the moment, you are hard to refer to 
	

	
	
		
		

		
			





)

I'm very shy and lacking self confidence myself.
like xcdjv said "Underconfident is when you can't walk to the shop", and, being 32 years old, I don't even have enough confidence to go inside a videogame shop I never went to if I'm alone. I don't go to un-visited food shop even if I want to eat, because I'm afraid of what I should ask, how to talk, which person could serves me, how to react, what s/he could think, etc.

I really understand the OP's feeling, and would like to add a comment which is more for the short term event than long work on yourself.
Don't repeat to the girl you met on that board that you are not confident, you already said it, she understood and is ok with that.
Even if you still feel bad being not good enough for her, keep it for yourself, she will see how you are.
If you insist, then she may think you are a desperate, depressed and not funny guy to talk to.



If my advice is bad (as I'm not in a good position to give any), someone can correct me.


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## TrolleyDave (Jun 2, 2010)

Cyan said:
			
		

> I'm very shy and lacking self confidence myself.
> like xcdjv said "Underconfident is when you can't walk to the shop", and, being 32 years old, I don't even have enough confidence to go inside a videogame shop I never went to if I'm alone. I don't go to un-visited food shop even if I want to eat, because I'm afraid of what I should ask, how to talk, which person could serves me, how to react, what s/he could think, etc.



I feel for you mate.  I have a mate called Dylan who was exactly the same when I first met him.  I remember when he came to visit me after I moved to the South of England.  We went into a McDonalds for something to eat and he was too shy to ask the girl behind the counter for what he wanted.  It's actually painful for me to see someone like that!  It's not that I feel sorry for people that shy, it's just that I can see how crippling it must be.  He's completely different now, we've kind of rebuilt his personality a little! lol  Most shyness problems like that can be easily overcome, all it takes is to change the way you think and look at the situations.


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## GH0ST (Jun 2, 2010)

Youkai or shall I say Y?kai (??, literally demon, spirit, or monster) ?



			
				QUOTE said:
			
		

> I think i have no chance
> Sure ! Stop thinking negatively ! Just do something !
> QUOTEI have a "problem"


You have *no* problem just different solutions and even some nice advices here. 

*Confidence is just an illusion* be yourself and stop crying ! 

Or ... from the previously mentioned heartless-bitches.com frontpage : "Thank you for sharing, now SHUT UP and quit Whining!"

Now move your ass out of your bed/room and smile to life ;-)

For some obvious reasons you and some others made me think again about Oldboy famous quote "_Laugh and the world laughs with you. Weep and you weep alone_"; in fact a direct quotation from the first line of Ella Wheeler Wilcox's famous poem, Solitude.


Spoiler



Solitude

Laugh, and the world laughs with you;
Weep, and you weep alone.
For the sad old earth must borrow it's mirth,
But has trouble enough of its own.
Sing, and the hills will answer;
Sigh, it is lost on the air.
The echoes bound to a joyful sound,
But shrink from voicing care.

Rejoice, and men will seek you;
Grieve, and they turn and go.
They want full measure of all your pleasure,
But they do not need your woe.
Be glad, and your friends are many;
Be sad, and you lose them all.
There are none to decline your nectared wine,
But alone you must drink life's gall.

Feast, and your halls are crowded;
Fast, and the world goes by.
Succeed and give, and it helps you live,
But no man can help you die.
There is room in the halls of pleasure
For a long and lordly train,
But one by one we must all file on
Through the narrow aisles of pain.

Ella Wheeler Wilcox



PS: I dislike the term OP it is so impersonal  ... saw it first on 4CHAN. Youkai is shorter than "The OP".


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## Youkai (Jun 2, 2010)

oO wow much answers ... thanks already ! i try to give a comment about eveything i think that needs to be commented by me ... 

@Alex666





 thank you for all your nice posts



			
				Blood Fetish said:
			
		

> Get your ass offline and talk to people. Conversation is just as much a skill as riding a bike. You only improve through practice.
> 
> I believe that might be very true but easyer said than done.
> In school there is the chance to talk to much ppl and now at Work I already do speak with close to anyone there and everyone likes me (some ppl often tell me "xy said you are the best we ever had" ....) and i have not much problems with talking to those ppl even thaught its mostly he (well we only have 2 girls in the building where i work ...) is talking and i am like "yes .... yes ... hmmm ... yes ..." thats it oO
> ...



oO


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## Blood Fetish (Jun 2, 2010)

You said more than once "easier said than done". I have news for you, everything is easier to say than do. Not trying to come across as compassionate here, but you just have to force yourself to take action. You can't sit there praying the magical god of charisma will bless you in your sleep.


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## Youkai (Jun 2, 2010)

Spoiler






			
				TrolleyDave said:
			
		

> Zetta_x said:
> 
> 
> 
> ...








			
				TrolleyDave said:
			
		

> Zetta_x said:
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Weirdly I am one of those "Freaks" without having problems with things like this ... I even went into school with a costume on a normal day where noone else was even thinking about wearing a costume ... and I more or less do what I want and when I want ... but only if it fits my personal opinion about what is right or wrong and as long as it does not "harm" anyone. 
So some say I am over-confident oO but when it goes to having contact with ppl I am sooo different .. like you I think about "what would i talk about" "what could he/she talk about/answer to me" .... when I have some sort of meeting with ppl i do not know of hardly know I am thinking the whole day before about what might happen when i say ... and what would whoever answer or what could ... say to me and so on ... like an endless wheel of useless stuff ... 

But about not reaping to her beeing not confident might be a good idea ... she seems little bit annoyed about me allways saying sorry ... but somehow i can't just say nothing.


@Ghost
yes demon is what its supposed to be XD

Well umm stop thinking is hard you know oO ? It's not easy to think good if you feel everything around you sucks.
Sometimes I would love to just be someone else somewhere else ... not only because I do not like me all to much but because I just don't like humanity how it is nowadays.
When i see little kids that are like 10 years old running around with knives mocking ppl and destroying things and whatever else there is I just can't think positiv.


And about confidence ... in this post I sayed somewhere that I somehow don't know myself what exactly is "wrong" with me ... I do things others would never do because they would never have the confidence while i do it (like going to school wearing a costume oO)
but when it comes to humans i have problems ... I had not only one bad event with other humans happening in my past


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## Alex666 (Jun 2, 2010)

@youkai (the one guy was right OP sound in personal xD sorry for that xD)
Youre welcome mate 
	

	
	
		
		

		
		
	


	




 I think the fact the you have enough confidence to wear a costume at school shows that youre not a complete loser or something. You have confidence somewhere inside and i bet you can use it to talk to people too. You just need to change the way you think about everything.
I totally get you when you say you think about too much stuff before a meeting. When i meet up with some girls im friends with at a cinema i have the exact same thoughts, although we know each other since years. You should try to take the confidence that makes you wear a costume and use it to talk to people. Maybe you can talk to people whos opinion on you doesnt matter to you, just for training and after you got a little more confident about talking to people you could try to ask them women or girls out 
	

	
	
		
		

		
		
	


	




@Blood Fetish
Scrubs FTW!!! xDD


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## Frost>>&gt (Jun 2, 2010)

C'mon! I've rather noticed reading this you have a bit of a sense of humor! I agree withfish fettish (whatver the fu** your name is). And when ever your out in public practice. "How are you" or "how was ________ yesterday" ect. ect. questions like that kinda boost your communication skillz.


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## Blood Fetish (Jun 2, 2010)

Get a puppy and walk it around. They are good conversation starters.

Sincerely,
Fish Fetish


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## mameks (Jun 2, 2010)

If all else fails, there's always 



Spoiler


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## Alex666 (Jun 2, 2010)

Getting a puppy isnt a bad start but you have to be aware that its a lot responsibility.

and at the picture.. GOSH! already sent it out in icq its hillarious


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## TrolleyDave (Jun 3, 2010)

Youkai said:
			
		

> Really good "spoken" (written) but its all said easyer than done.
> I respect myself as much as that I say I do what I want ... when I think something is not good how it is I say so even if I can get problems with this attitude (hat extremely often probs with my teachers back in the good old school days) and even with my co workers, if they behave like an Idiot (which they do very often) I tell them ... BUT everyone think its funny and cool so I am more or less alone with the opinion that shouting "heroin" through the hall while working is not a good thing, but as long as our Boss doesn't notice it, it seems it will remain "cool" for everyone. (just as example)
> ...
> Still I am starting to get better since that festival where so many ppl just talked to me ... I feel a little bit more confident than before and now I even want to seriously star training to make me look a little bit better or less worse ...



It might be easier said then done to begin with but once you start taking steps it will become easier and easier.  I've seen plenty of people do it, and even helped a few, and their confidence was at a level way below yours.  One of the things about confidence is positive thinking.  You're already shooting the ideas down before you've even tried them.  Don't say "It's harder than it sounds" say "That sounds like a challenge, I'll do it"!  Part of confidence is the way you think.  If you think you'll fail then you've failed already.  You seem like a decent guy to me, all you need to do is realise it yourself and start thinking in a different way.  If you ever want advice or someone to talk to feel free to PM and I'll try my best to help!


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## GH0ST (Jun 3, 2010)

+1 TrolleyDave There is always two ways you can think about something the good one and the bad one : choose the right one ( thinking positive in this cruel word is not easy but it is like reversing reality ... just do it step by step ! )

For an example you talk about little kids/bandits just imagine the day you become father you will change your mind fully and all your metaphysical problems will vanish. You look like a nice guy anyway. More I am sure you are...  So good Luck we all need a bit of luck ... specially with a girl ;-)


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## bluejays (Jun 3, 2010)

i lack self confidence too T-T im 15 btw


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## CJL18 (Jun 4, 2010)

i know how you feel man i'm 23 never had a girlfriend.  i'm  Scrawny and pale i dont have the confidence to talk to girls, but i do believe one day i will find a girl that will make me happy thats what keeps me going every day.


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## Njrg (Jun 4, 2010)

Short Answer...

Long answer: Trick her with photo gimmicks. Shoot from a top to down "Myspace" angle. This is cliche and douchey, but the more of your chin you expose, the fatter you appear. Also take a picture in your most-lit room. This is often the bathroom, yet another cliche. Why do you think in department and clothing stores they have very well lit dressing rooms? Its because they know the light makes you "appear" more attractive in the new apparel so you're tempted to buy it. You're never going to look as good IRL as you do in front of a well-lit mirror. Again with the cliches, but you can always consider using a mirror as a picture taking guide. It also doubles the length from your face to the camera lens. You can also try Googling a Youtube video on picture taking tips if they exist.

You essentially want to impress this bitch for the 1st couple of photos, and then hook her with your personally. And Don't be affraid to stalk her every move on any site you can, you're going to want intel to plot your strategy. Example: I wanted to know a guy, I stalked him, turned out he liked ducks, I make up a cute story about ducks, 5 weeks later he sends a stuffed bunny and an 8 paged lovu letta from halfway across the globe. It didn't turn out well for unrelated and unforeseeable reasons. Joke's on me I guess. >_>

Anyways, once she feels like you're "the one" you're going to have to be pretty effing ugly for her to turn you down.


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## OSW (Jun 4, 2010)

Couple of suggestions for the current girl
- don't worry about how she views you, just do your best to be talkative, supportive etc
- however, don't be clingy! sometimes you just need to leave chicks alone (especially during pms)
- try to use her friends to extend your social network

Re: nice guy stuff
- being "nice" can work to some degree (not with sluts/bitches lol), but it has to be coupled with confidence as well (as others have reiterated). I've managed to sweet talk a few chicks hehe.

Confidence stuff
- try and make friends with some guys/girls who do go out to these social hubs (bars/clubs etc)
- go out whenever someone gives you the opportunity
- if you go to a bar/club etc, do try to dance even if you look like an idiot (i know i do), but girls will always dig guys who try as opposed to guys who don't. You can apply this to many situations.
- if things don't work out, lower your standards and just try to get a gf no matter how fug she is. Once you get one gf, you gain a lot of insight and confidence and other girls dig that.
- it's guaranteed that you will fuck up in a lot of situations. You'll look like an idiot sure, but every bad experience you must use as constructive and you will gain confidence.

Basically, just keep on taking as many steps as you can to being more "out there", disregard your likes/dislikes, and try everything you haven't tried before.
Of course, you might just some find a clique of otakus or w/ever and that could work out fine too lol (assuming they stick together).

I pretty much figured these things out for myself in first year uni (17/18yrs old). Before then I had no friends who were girls, and could hardly talk to them either.


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## Overlord Nadrian (Jun 4, 2010)

OSW said:
			
		

> I pretty much figured these things out for myself in first year uni (17/18yrs old). Before then I had no friends who were girls, and could hardly talk to them either.


Looking at your friends list on Facebook I see that you must be quite the popular chap right now, it's as if half of your friends are female!


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## Coto (Jun 16, 2010)

yuyuyup said:
			
		

> Chicks are only attracted to assholes for some reason, I don't get women at all I'd rather just beat my own god damn meat
> 
> 
> That stands true for 95.9% of girls around the world.
> ...




Muy cierto, my friend... 

Those things you´ve mentioned, they rather than copy-paste words, comes from voice -of experience-. In the pase i used to fault to things like you´ve mentioned before, but yes.

Just start enjoying true life and be more in touch with people even if at the beggining becomes imposible.


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## Rayder (Jun 16, 2010)

Lack of self-confidence is something that can be covered up.  All you have to do is pretend like you know what you're doing and the ladies will eat it up.  Don't let them see you crestfallen if they turn you down the first time. (although that lesbian thing is kind of tough to beat)  Be an actor, pretend to be confident in yourself regardless of how insecure you actually are.  Women love confidence in a guy, and it's commonplace for guys to lie to women. They won't know the difference, unless your acting skills suck.   

Oh, and crying is a very poor way to show confidence.  Don't do that.


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## Cyan (Jun 16, 2010)

Rayder said:
			
		

> All you have to do is pretend like you know what you're doing and the ladies will eat it up.


It's lying to someone else. If you start your relation by lying, I don't see anything good for future, unless you explain quickly after that why you did it.
Or else, lies will just accumulate, and you are not building relationship on confidence.

Sure, lying will let you talks and gives you more opportunities to be with someone else, but I rather be alone than lying.
I guess that's part of the reasons I'm alone then


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## Blood Fetish (Jun 16, 2010)

Confidence is a trait you build over time by acting confident. I fail to see how this is even remotely lying.


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