# The Tell-A-Joke Thread



## IncredulousP (Aug 28, 2019)

I present to you the Tell-A-Joke Thread!
Share your best (or worst) haha's here.
I'll start with some bloody puns.


I told my doctor that I may never find out my blood type. She said "be positive."

The nurse asked to draw blood. So I drew a bee.

My pen pal wanted to know what blood type I was, so I wrote him a letter.


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## IncredulousP (Aug 28, 2019)

Ok I got another one.

A mama tomato and baby tomato are walking. The baby tomato starts walking too slowly, so the mama tomato turns around, stomps on the baby and yells "ketchup!"


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## IncredulousP (Aug 28, 2019)

Why wouldn't the skeleton ask his crush out on a date? Because he had no guts!

Why didn't his skelefriend tell him she was already taken? Because he didn't have the heart.

Why was the skeleton worried? Because he was boned.


Ready for a groaner?

Why did the skeleton go to the doctor?
He was running a high _femur_.

--------------------- MERGED ---------------------------

Ready for this one?


What do you get when you mix human DNA with goat DNA?

You get kicked out of the petting zoo.


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## Alexander1970 (Aug 28, 2019)

Good one(s).


A try:

A Duck walks into a Milkstore,the Vendor asks "What do you want ?"
The duck answers "Quark....."


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## IncredulousP (Aug 28, 2019)

Ha ok here's another.

Why did the spoon divorce her husband?
He was forking around with other silverware.


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## Jiehfeng (Aug 28, 2019)

Three guys are hiking through the woods and they find a lamp.

One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie. It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes." 

The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50 The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive." POOF, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now well over 100 billion. The third guy thinks even longer about his wish, then says "I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life." POOF, his arm starts rotating.

The Genie tells them it's time for their second wish. First guy says: "I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth." POOF, a stunning beauty wraps herself around his arm. Second guy says "I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want." POOF, his looks change and the first guy's wife immediately starts flirting with him. Third guy says "I want my right arm to rotate counter-clockwise until I die." POOF, now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions.

The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third wish. First guy does, and after a while says "I never want to become sick or injured, I want to stay healthy until I die." POOF, his complexion improves, his acne is gone and his knees don't bother him any more. Second guy says "I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever." POOF, he looks younger already. Third guy smiles triumphantly and says "My last wish is for my head to nod back and forth." POOF, he's now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around. The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways. 

Many years later they meet again and chat about how things have been going. First guy is ecstatic: "I've invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife is a freak in the sheets, and I've never gotten so much as a cold in all these years." Second guy smiles and says "Well, I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, I'm still the richest guy alive and also revered for my good deeds. I haven't aged a day since we last met, and yes, your wife is pretty wild in bed." 

Third guy walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head, and says: "Guys, I think I fucked up."


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## Alexander1970 (Aug 28, 2019)

Also another try:

Go in a round room and spit in the corner.


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## Deleted User (Aug 28, 2019)

Knock knock. Who's there? Doctor. Doctor who? No, Doctor Octupus.


Spoiler


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## Jiehfeng (Aug 28, 2019)

MicmasH_Wii said:


> Knock knock. Who's there? Doctor. Doctor who? No, Doctor Octupus.
> 
> 
> Spoiler


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## Deleted User (Aug 28, 2019)

this thread right here, in a nutshell 



Spoiler


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## Jiehfeng (Aug 28, 2019)

Remember this classic?


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## Deleted User (Aug 28, 2019)

Not old enough to remember, but it has jackie chan in it, so a win


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## IncredulousP (Aug 28, 2019)

I was wondering how snow kept getting into my house. Turns out my door was a jar.


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## Alexander1970 (Aug 28, 2019)

Another Try:

What is yellow/black striped,flys and make "mmus mmus mmus" ?
A Bee in backward flight.


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## Veho (Aug 28, 2019)

MicmasH_Wii said:


> this thread right here, in a nutshell
> 
> 
> 
> Spoiler



No, this is this thread right here in a nutshell: 



Spoiler


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## Deleted User (Aug 28, 2019)

I have a serious question to ask you
why are you using the default white theme?


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## VinsCool (Aug 28, 2019)

My life.

*prerecorded laughters from the 1960's*


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## Veho (Aug 28, 2019)

MicmasH_Wii said:


> I have a serious question to ask you
> why are you using the default white theme?


Why not?


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## Deleted User (Aug 28, 2019)

Veho said:


> Why not?


cause white is racist 



Spoiler



I'm not serious in the least, carry on <3


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## IncredulousP (Aug 29, 2019)

VinsCool said:


> My life.
> 
> *prerecorded laughters from the 1960's*


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## IncredulousP (Aug 29, 2019)

My doctor recommended a flu shot, but I told her it would be in vein.


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## GhostLatte (Aug 29, 2019)

A burglar was breaking into a house out in the country and heard “Jesus is watching.” The burglar thought he was going mad until he turned the light and saw a parrot who kept repeating the phrase. He saw that the parrot was named Moses and said what kind of idiot names their parrot that. The parrot replied “The same idiot that name that their Rottweiler Jesus.”


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## Alexander1970 (Aug 30, 2019)

We had a dog without legs and no name....

No name? Why, if you had called him, he would not have come anyway .....


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## x65943 (Aug 30, 2019)

alexander1970 said:


> We had a dog without legs and no name....
> 
> No name? Why, if you had called him, he would not have come anyway .....


About that

In Vietnam they don't name cats

I asked someone his cat's name and he said "only dogs get names"


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## IncredulousP (Aug 30, 2019)

I asked the baker if he could bake me something small. He said "piece of cake."


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## Harumyne (Aug 30, 2019)

x65943 said:


> About that
> 
> In Vietnam they don't name cats
> 
> I asked someone his cat's name and he said "only dogs get names"









How many tickles does it take to make octopus laugh?

Ten tickles.

...


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## IncredulousP (Aug 31, 2019)

I was gonna bake some cookies, but I had no dough for ingredients


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## Alexander1970 (Aug 31, 2019)

D´ough....


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## Veho (Sep 1, 2019)




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## Alexander1970 (Sep 2, 2019)

Firewood Rentalcompany

Wifi Cable

Says the Pessimist "It does not get any worse!"
Says the Optimist: "Yes!"


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## Alexander1970 (Sep 2, 2019)

What is dangerous ? 

Sneezing in diarrhea !


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## Jiehfeng (Sep 2, 2019)

A Kung Fu student asks his teacher: "Master, why does my ability not improve? I'm always defeated."
And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers: "My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun, and their wings seeming like flames?"

"Yes, my master, I have."

"And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?"

"Yes, my master, I have witnessed it."

"And the moon... when it touches the calm water to reflect all its enormous beauty?"

"Yes, my master, I have also seen this marvelous phenomenon."


"That is the problem. You keep watching all this shit instead of training."


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## Alexander1970 (Sep 2, 2019)

Patient: "Doctor, I'm already 68 years old and always get a whistle in my ear, after I slept with my wife."
Doctor: "What did you expect, standing ovation ?!"


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## Veho (Sep 20, 2019)




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## Alexander1970 (Sep 20, 2019)

"Dad, whenever you leave the house, comes the man from the environment protection. "

-"From the _environmental protection_?"

"Yes, he asks if the _air is clear_."


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## slaphappygamer (Sep 24, 2019)

What did the five fingers say to the face?


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## Alexander1970 (Sep 24, 2019)

slaphappygamer said:


> What did the five fingers say to the face?



*ouch* .... A hard word.


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## AmandaRose (Sep 24, 2019)

1. I sold my vacuum cleaner the other day. All it was doing was collecting dust. 

2. Did you hear about the Italian chef who died? He pasta-way

3. If you are American when you go into the Bathroom and American when you come out what are you in the bathroom? European

4. Knock knock 

Who’s there?

Interrupting cow.

Interrupting c–

MOO!


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## Veho (Sep 24, 2019)

I'm selling my Theremin. I haven't touched it in years.


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## SG854 (Sep 24, 2019)

Yo momma is so fat


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## Veho (Oct 2, 2019)




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## Alexander1970 (Oct 2, 2019)

"Mr. lifeguard, Mr. lifeguard, a shark eats a child !!!!"

"_Yes, they do that .._."


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## Deleted member 506316 (Oct 2, 2019)

I have a joke! My life! Oh, another one! What was the Energizer Bunny charged with? BATTERY ASSAULT!


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## IncredulousP (Oct 3, 2019)

I want to get my own bust, but I shouldn't get ahead of myself.


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## Alexander1970 (Oct 3, 2019)

_What is the difference between _

*CLATCH! "Ahh !!!" *

and

*"Aaaaaahhhhh........."  CLATCH.....!!!
*


Spoiler: Guess...



A fall from the 1st Floor and one from the 10th floor.


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## IncredulousP (Oct 21, 2019)

Why did the dog get fired from his company? He was accused of cat-calling his co-workers. The worst part? They were lion.


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## Alexander1970 (Oct 21, 2019)

*"Police, please open up, we need to talk to you urgently!".*
-
*How many are you?*
-
*  "We are three".*
-
*"Then just talk to each other."*


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## IncredulousP (Oct 21, 2019)

alexander1970 said:


> *"Police, please open up, we need to talk to you urgently!".*
> -
> *How many are you?*
> -
> ...


That made me laugh more than it should have


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## Alexander1970 (Oct 21, 2019)

IncredulousP said:


> That made me laugh more than it should have


That is really nice to hear.....


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## Mama Looigi (Oct 22, 2019)

I have a joke!
Jokes are meant to be stupid and not taken seriously, right? Well here it is: Dogs
HAHAHHAHAMEEEOOOOWW


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## Alexander1970 (Oct 22, 2019)

Mr. Looigi said:


> I have a joke!
> Jokes are meant to be stupid and not taken seriously, right? Well here it is: Dogs
> HAHAHHAHAMEEEOOOOWW



A mouse is being tracked by a cat. The mouse runs into a pasture and says to the first cow: "Save me!"

The cow answers willingly: "Stand behind me!" The mouse obeys and the cow drops a cowpat. Unfortunately, the mouse tail still looks out. The cat sees him, pulls the mouse out of the cowpat and eats it up.

What does history tell us?

1. Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
2. Not everyone who pulls you out of the shit is your friend!
3. If you are already in the shit, at least pull in the tail.


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## IncredulousP (Oct 31, 2019)

In a great pasture were some cows. All were mooing except for one. Why? He wasn't in the moo'd.

--------------------- MERGED ---------------------------

Some cows enjoy being milked, but others can't stand the udder embarrassment.


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## Alexander1970 (Oct 31, 2019)

A man reads in a magazine and says to his wife: 
*"Sweetheart, it says here that women in a year speak almost twice as much as men".*

Says the woman:
*"Well, that's because we always have to tell you everything twice"*


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## Veho (Nov 2, 2019)




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## AmandaRose (Nov 2, 2019)

My Mum ran off with the milkman when I was eight years old. 

Watching them drive away on his milk float were the worst three hours of my life.


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## Alexander1970 (Nov 6, 2019)

The bus driver said I should not talk to him while driving.
-
Then I gave him little notes in front of his face. Was wrong again!


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## IncredulousP (Nov 6, 2019)

alexander1970 said:


> The bus driver said I should not talk to him while driving.
> -
> Then I gave him little notes in front of his face. Was wrong again!


Stop driving him nuts!


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## Deleted member 397813 (Nov 7, 2019)

What's the best way to get rid of gum in your hair?





















cancer.


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## IncredulousP (Nov 7, 2019)

CPG said:


> What's the best way to get rid of gum in your hair?
> 
> 
> 
> ...


What a cancerous post.


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## Alexander1970 (Nov 7, 2019)

_*Advertisements:*_

Offer Parachute:
- never opened 
- few red Spots.


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## IncredulousP (Nov 7, 2019)

alexander1970 said:


> *few* red Spots.


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## GhostLatte (Nov 8, 2019)

IncredulousP said:


>


I thought they were pretty common.


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## Alexander1970 (Nov 9, 2019)

A Man wakes up in the Hospital and yells:
"Doctor, I can not feel my Legs anymore!"

Doctor: 
"I know, I also amputated your Arms!"


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## RedoLane (Nov 12, 2019)

A guy walks into a sweets cafe. The waiter gives him the menu. The guy thought he looks pretty young for a waiter.
After considering what to order, he asks the waiter to give him a small plate of ice cream balls, one of vanilla, one of chocolate, and one of cherry.
the waiter asks the guy to wait a little before his order arrives.

After 5 minutes, the waiter arrives with a small plate of ice cream balls. Before the guy could eat the ice cream in peace, he noticed something is missing.
He asked the waiter: "But where's the spoon? I can't eat a plate of ice cream without a spoon".
The waiter stared at him for a few seconds, only to respond with: *"There is no spoon."*

Turns out that guy accidentally entered the Matrix, and there's no turning  back.


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## Veho (Nov 12, 2019)

RedoLane said:


> The waiter stared at him for a few seconds, only to respond with: *"There is no spoon."*


"There is ligma, though."


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## Alexander1970 (Nov 12, 2019)

What is black and sticks to the Ceiling?
-
A not so good Electrician......


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## Ericzander (Nov 13, 2019)

Veho said:


> "There is ligma, though."


Isn't that how Ninja died? Sad.


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## GhostLatte (Nov 13, 2019)

RedoLane said:


> A guy walks into a sweets cafe. The waiter gives him the menu. The guy thought he looks pretty young for a waiter.
> After considering what to order, he asks the waiter to give him a small plate of ice cream balls, one of vanilla, one of chocolate, and one of cherry.
> the waiter asks the guy to wait a little before his order arrives.
> 
> ...


A guy orders a soup at a cafe and the waiter has his fingers in when he brings it over. The guy asks why the waiter why he has fingers in his soup and the waiter responds that that they were cold. The guy asks why doesn’t he he put them in his ass and the waiter said he did that before bringing the soup over.


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## AmandaRose (Nov 13, 2019)

Sometimes I like to tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward.That’s just how I roll.


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## Alexander1970 (Nov 16, 2019)

I saw two Guys in Partner Look. 
I asked them if they were gay.

Then they arrested me.....


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## IncredulousP (Nov 16, 2019)

alexander1970 said:


> I saw two Guys in Partner Look.
> I asked them if they were gay.
> 
> Then they arrested me.....


"And for the record sir, yes we are."


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## VinsCool (Nov 18, 2019)

Police Officer: "How high are you?"
Pothead: "No officer, it's "Hi, How are you?


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## CORE (Nov 18, 2019)

Hello can I come in? 
Ofcourse yes come in come in. 
Well I must be off then. 
I did not say you could leave!


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## The Catboy (Nov 18, 2019)

Wanna hear a joke? Straight pride


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## IncredulousP (Nov 18, 2019)

Lilith Valentine said:


> Wanna hear a joke? Straight pride


So straight people can't be proud?


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## Alexander1970 (Nov 18, 2019)

I've been trying to open my Girlfriend's Bra about 15 Minutes.
Unfortunately, in vain.

I wish I had never put him on......


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## The Catboy (Nov 19, 2019)

IncredulousP said:


> So straight people can't be proud?


Straight pride has nothing to do with the notion of being “Proud,” it’s a movement made entirely to mock the LGBT+ community. It’s a joke because it’s an extremely transparent movement that shouldn’t be taken seriously.


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## IncredulousP (Nov 19, 2019)

Lilith Valentine said:


> Straight pride has nothing to do with the notion of being “Proud,” it’s a movement made entirely to mock the LGBT+ community. It’s a joke because it’s an extremely transparent movement that shouldn’t be taken seriously.


Oh. Well ignoring assholes, everyone should be proud of who they are


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## Alexander1970 (Nov 19, 2019)

IncredulousP said:


> Oh. Well ignoring assholes, everyone should be proud of who they are


That was a really good Joke.


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## Alexander1970 (Nov 20, 2019)

How do the Scots celebrate the fourth Advent ? 

By placing two Candles in front of the mirror.


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## IncredulousP (Nov 20, 2019)

Yo mama so fat, when she went online the line snapped.


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## AmandaRose (Nov 20, 2019)

*Who was that Austrian F1 driver, Niki erm Niki..*
Lauda?

(shouting) WHO WAS THAT AUSTRIAN F1 DRIVER?


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## Alexander1970 (Nov 20, 2019)

AmandaRose said:


> *Who was that Austrian F1 driver, Niki erm Niki..*
> Lauda?
> 
> (shouting) WHO WAS THAT AUSTRIAN F1 DRIVER?



Same when you said to him "LISTEN,Niki...."



Spoiler: Why ?



After his Nürburgring Accident he had half the Ears....)


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## AmandaRose (Nov 20, 2019)

*Did you hear that they're producing an action movie about a team of crime-fighting composers?*
They already approached Arnold Schwarzenegger about playing fellow Austrian Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, but he said "no, I'll be Bach!"


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## Alexander1970 (Nov 20, 2019)

What does the Scot under his Skirt have?

If it goes really well, Lipstick.......


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## IncredulousP (Nov 21, 2019)

alexander1970 said:


> What does the Scot under his Skirt have?
> 
> If it goes really well, Lipstick.......


Had to think about that one for a minute.


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## AmandaRose (Nov 21, 2019)

alexander1970 said:


> What does the Scot under his Skirt have?
> 
> If it goes really well, Lipstick.......


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## CORE (Nov 21, 2019)

AmandaRose said:


> View attachment 187386



I Know what is under your Kilt!



Spoiler



 A Doctor who Intro... What did u think I was going to say it was obvious...


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## AmandaRose (Nov 21, 2019)

CORE said:


> I Know what is under your Kilt!
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Well played Core you rat bastard well played. You had me very worried what I was about to see considering well you know


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## IncredulousP (Nov 21, 2019)

CORE said:


> I Know what is under your Kilt!
> 
> 
> 
> ...



I was hoping for spaghetti


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## AmandaRose (Nov 21, 2019)

IncredulousP said:


> I was hoping for spaghetti


No spaghetti but in the past there has been a few Italians under my kilt


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## IncredulousP (Nov 21, 2019)

AmandaRose said:


> No spaghetti but in the past there has been a few Italians under my kilt


Let's hope no parmesan cheese.


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## AmandaRose (Nov 21, 2019)

IncredulousP said:


> Let's hope no parmesan cheese.


Why am I now the joke in this thread?


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## IncredulousP (Nov 21, 2019)

AmandaRose said:


> Why am I now the joke in this thread?


'Cause of how _cheesy_ you are


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## AmandaRose (Nov 21, 2019)

IncredulousP said:


> 'Cause of how _cheesy_ you are


Well as a woman I guess its better to smell of cheese than it is to smell of fish


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## IncredulousP (Nov 21, 2019)

AmandaRose said:


> Well as a woman I guess its better to smell of cheese than it is to smell of fish


You can tune a piano but you can't tuna woman.


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## AmandaRose (Nov 21, 2019)

A man saw a lady with big breasts. He asked, "Excuse me, can I bite your breasts for $1000?" She agrees, so they go to a secluded corner. She opens her blouse and the man puts his face in her breasts for 10 minutes." Eventually the lady asks, "Aren't you gonna bite them?" He replies, "No, it's too expensive."


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## IncredulousP (Nov 21, 2019)

AmandaRose said:


> A man saw a lady with big breasts. He asked, "Excuse me, can I bite your breasts for $1000?" She agrees, so they go to a secluded corner. She opens her blouse and the man puts his face in her breasts for 10 minutes." Eventually the lady asks, "Aren't you gonna bite them?" He replies, "No, it's too expensive."


Ah so he's just window-shopping.


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## AmandaRose (Nov 22, 2019)

What did the elephant say to the naked man? 

How do you breathe out of that thing


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## IncredulousP (Nov 22, 2019)

AmandaRose said:


> What did the elephant say to the naked man?
> 
> How do you breathe out of that thing


"And that's not nearly enough water to shower with either!"


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## AmandaRose (Nov 22, 2019)

Husband: I don't know why you wear a bra, you've got nothing to put in it?

Wife: You wear briefs, don't you?


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## CORE (Nov 22, 2019)

AmandaRose said:


> No spaghetti but in the past there has been a few Italians under my kilt



So the Italian Plumbers Left you... Boo Hoo atleast u still have ur Sonic Probe for well it is a Screw Driver... Cue Doctor Who Ending.


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## AmandaRose (Nov 22, 2019)

What do you call an IT teacher who touches his students? A PDF file!


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## IncredulousP (Nov 22, 2019)

AmandaRose said:


> What do you call an IT teacher who touches his students? A PDF file!


This one hurts the child in me.


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## AmandaRose (Nov 22, 2019)

Do you want to hear a joke about my vagina?

Nevermind. You’ll never get it!


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## IncredulousP (Nov 23, 2019)

Which auction house always takes forever?

Slotheby's!


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## Alexander1970 (Nov 23, 2019)

Three unwritten Rules:




1.

2.

3.


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## AmandaRose (Nov 23, 2019)

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.

Terry had married a woman from America and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed done at their house. He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.

Jimmy had married a woman from Australia. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married a Scottish girl. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye.


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## Alexander1970 (Nov 23, 2019)

AmandaRose said:


> Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.
> 
> Terry had married a woman from America and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed done at their house. He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.
> 
> ...



A real "classic" One.
Has brought me now a small,quiet Laughattack.Not too loud,my Wife is sitting next Door...


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## AmandaRose (Nov 23, 2019)

alexander1970 said:


> A real "classic" One.
> Has brought me now a small,quiet Laughattack.Not too loud,my Wife is sitting next Door...


Its funny and true never and i repeat never tell a Scottish lass what to do. It wont end well for you


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## AmandaRose (Nov 23, 2019)

I used to drink all brands of beer. Now, I am older Budweiser!


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## Alexander1970 (Nov 23, 2019)

Man comes home.

_His Wife: "Do Lemons actually have Wings?_

Man: "No,why ?"

_Woman: "Then I probably pressed the Canary into the Tea......"_


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## AmandaRose (Nov 23, 2019)

A man is selling fish on a corner. To get his customers' attention, he is yelling, "Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!" A pastor hears this and asks, "Why are you calling them 'dam fish.'" The man responds, "Because I caught these fish at the local dam." The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her to cook the dam fish. The wife responds surprised, "I didn't know it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way." He explains to her why they are dam fish. Later at the dinner table, he asks his son to pass the dam fish. The son responds, "That's the spirit, Dad! Now pass the fucking potatoes!"


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## VinsCool (Nov 23, 2019)

A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, "Sorry we don’t serve food here."


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## AmandaRose (Nov 23, 2019)

There was a papa mole, a momma mole, and a baby mole. They lived in a hole out in the country near a farmhouse. Papa mole poked his head out of the hole and said, "Mmmm, I smell sausage!" Momma mole poked her head outside the hole and said, "Mmmm, I smell pancakes!" Baby mole tried to stick his head outside but couldn't because of the two bigger moles. Baby mole said, "The only thing I smell is molasses."


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## VinsCool (Nov 23, 2019)

What noise does a 747 make when it bounces? Boeing, Boeing, Boeing.


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## AmandaRose (Nov 23, 2019)

VinsCool said:


> What noise does a 747 make when it bounces? Boeing, Boeing, Boeing.


Vins is definitely in the lead with that one for the worst joke contest 




Q: Why do the French eat snails?
A: They don't like fast food.


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## VinsCool (Nov 23, 2019)

How do you tell the difference between a frog and a horny toad? A frog says, "Ribbit, ribbit" and a horny toad says, "Rub it, rub it.”


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## AmandaRose (Nov 24, 2019)

Why did the duck go to jail?
A: Because he got caught selling quack.


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## VinsCool (Nov 24, 2019)

I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised!


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## AmandaRose (Nov 24, 2019)

Fucking hell Vins what has happened to my life its Saturday night and im here telling jokes instead of getting drunk. I'm rather scared I may be getting old


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## VinsCool (Nov 24, 2019)

AmandaRose said:


> Fucking hell Vins what has happened to my life its Saturday night and im here telling jokes instead of getting drunk. I'm rather scared I may be getting old


Wait you're saying I'm the only one here doing both at the same time? XD


Anyway, Atheism is a non-prophet organization.


----------



## AmandaRose (Nov 24, 2019)

What's the best thing about Switzerland? 

I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.


----------



## Veho (Nov 24, 2019)

VinsCool said:


> What noise does a 747 make when it bounces? Boeing, Boeing, Boeing.


----------



## Veho (Nov 24, 2019)

Granny goes to the fish market, she asks the fishmonger if the fish is fresh. 
"Fresh? Granny, it's still alive!" 
"So what? I'm still alive too! I want to know if it's _fresh_."


----------



## James_ (Nov 24, 2019)

A police officer came over and asked me how high I was.

I told them I was 2 feet high.


----------



## IncredulousP (Nov 24, 2019)

A local group of cannibals were throwing a party. "Throw your hands up!" said the DJ. Everyone vomited.


----------



## James_ (Nov 24, 2019)

Want to hear a joke about ghosts?

Yeah?

That's the spirit!


----------



## AmandaRose (Nov 27, 2019)

An American touring Spain stopped at a local restaurant following a day
of sightseeing. While sipping his sangria, he noticed a sizzling,
scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did
it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that
you just served?"
The waiter replied, " Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bulls
testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"
The American, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the hell, I'm on
vacation! Bring me an order!"
The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per
day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early
tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!"
The next day, the American returned, placed his order, and then that
evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.
After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called
to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much
smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si senor. Sometimes the bull wins!"


----------



## Alexander1970 (Nov 28, 2019)

Little Red Riding Hood goes alone through the Dark Forest.
Suddenly she hears a rustle behind a dense Bush.
She pushes the Branches and Bushes aside and suddenly the evil Wolf sits in front of her.

_"Oh, bad Wolf, why do you have such big Red Eyes?"_

_*"Fuck off, I am shitting !"*_


----------



## Uiaad (Nov 28, 2019)

I saw six men kicking and punching my mother-in-law. My neighbour said ‘Are you going to help?' I said ‘No, six should be enough.'


----------



## VinsCool (Nov 29, 2019)

A horse walks into a bar.
The bartender asks: "Why the long face?"

The horse, unable to comprehend human language, promptly shits on the floor.


----------



## AmandaRose (Nov 29, 2019)

"I usually meet my girlfriend at 12:59 because I like that one-to-one time."


----------



## IncredulousP (Nov 29, 2019)

AmandaRose said:


> "I usually meet my girlfriend at 12:59 because I like that one-to-one time."


Boooooo
I liked it


----------



## Alexander1970 (Nov 30, 2019)

Cleaning is incredibly dangerous.
Almost every Man has ever stumbled over his cleaning Wife in the Kitchen 
and then almost pushed his Beer Bottle into his Brain......


----------



## Alexander1970 (Dec 4, 2019)

*Why is it illegal to bury a man living in London to bury in Istanbul ?*




Spoiler: Answer....



*Lively ones* are not buried.


----------



## AmandaRose (Dec 5, 2019)

A cement mixer has collided with a prison van. Motorists are asked to look out for 16 hardened criminals.


----------



## Veho (Dec 5, 2019)

AmandaRose said:


> A cement mixer has collided with a prison van. Motorists are asked to look out for 16 hardened criminals.


I heard that one before but with Viagra thieves


----------



## AmandaRose (Dec 5, 2019)

“I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister”


----------



## IncredulousP (Dec 5, 2019)

Veho said:


> Viagra thieves


Is @GhostLatte at it again??


----------



## GhostLatte (Dec 5, 2019)

IncredulousP said:


> Is @GhostLatte at it again??


----------



## AmandaRose (Dec 5, 2019)

"I am writing a film script about going back in time to stop Hitler's parents meeting at the Austrian Enchantment ‘Under The Sea' dance. It's called 'Back to the Fuhrer’!"


----------



## Flame (Dec 5, 2019)

@AmandaRose i'm going to make you an offer which you can't refuse.










Spoiler



Roses are red Violets are blue, I’d get in the van if I where you…


----------



## Alexander1970 (Dec 10, 2019)

Father buys a Lie Detector that always makes a Noise (a loud "_Miiieeeeep_") when someone is lying. 

The Son comes home in the Afternoon.

*Father:* Well,you were at School ?
*Son*: Yes,of course. 
Lie Detector: _Miiieeeeep_.

_*Son*_: Ok, I was in the Cinema. 
Lie Detector: _Miiiiiiiieep_.

_*Son:*_ Okay,was drinking Beer with Friends.

*Father*: What? At your Age,we never drank Alcohol. 
Lie Detector: _Miiieeeeep_.

_*Mother*_ laughs: Hahahahah,that is your Son.
Lie Detector: Miiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeep...........


----------



## Flame (Dec 10, 2019)

alexander1970 said:


> Father buys a Lie Detector that always makes a Noise (a loud "_Miiieeeeep_") when someone is lying.
> 
> The Son comes home in the Afternoon.
> 
> ...



why the fuck is it making a _Miiiiiiiieep _sound. wtf happened to beeep?


----------



## IncredulousP (Dec 10, 2019)

Flame said:


> why the fuck is it making a _Miiiiiiiieep _sound. wtf happened to beeep?


tinnitus


----------



## Flame (Dec 10, 2019)

IncredulousP said:


> tinnitus


----------



## Alexander1970 (Dec 10, 2019)

Flame said:


> why the fuck is it making a _Miiiiiiiieep _sound. wtf happened to beeep?



_Miiiiiiiieep _is German for beeep,so hard ?


----------



## Veho (Dec 10, 2019)

A truck loaded with thousands of copies of Roget's Thesaurus crashed yesterday losing its entire load.  
Witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied, confused, shocked, rattled, paralysed, dazed, bewildered, mixed up, surprised, awed, dumbfounded, nonplussed, flabbergasted, astounded, amazed, confounded, astonished, overwhelmed, horrified, numbed, speechless, and perplexed.


----------



## AmandaRose (Dec 10, 2019)

Someone stole my antidepressants. 

Whoever they are, I hope they're happy


----------



## Alexander1970 (Dec 13, 2019)

Not REALLY a Joke...?

An british Men tells this Story:

"My Neighbours rang the Police for me playing Status Quo to loud,so they arrested my Neighbours and took them away."


----------



## IncredulousP (Dec 13, 2019)

I got amnesia recently. I think I was a detective, but I haven't got a clue.


----------



## Uiaad (Dec 13, 2019)

AmandaRose said:


> Someone stole my antidepressants.
> 
> Whoever they are, I hope they're happy



Glad to see some ones been reading my profile posts


----------



## AmandaRose (Dec 13, 2019)

Uiaad said:


> Glad to see some ones been reading my profile posts


I genuinely never seen that on your profile Uiaad. My doctor actually told me that joke on Monday about 30 seconds after telling me I had to start taking Seroxat Paroxetine again .

Side note (Now I know someone is gonna say wasn't that a bit unprofessional of your doctor to do that and in most circumstances yes it would be if not for the fact we grew up together and have been friends since the age of four)


----------



## Uiaad (Dec 13, 2019)

AmandaRose said:


> Now I know someone is gonna say wasn't that a bit unprofessional of your doctor to do that and in most circumstances yes it would be if not for the fact we grew up together and have been friends since the age of four


 Doc should be able to have a joke with patients ... sad 99.99% of them are miserable bastard because they are overworked.

Guess i owe you a couple of jokes now :/ 


A man goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. He hasn't been feeling well and wants to find out if he's ill. After the checkup the doctor comes out with the results of the examination.

"I'm afraid I have some bad news. You're dying and you don't have much time," the doctor says.

"Oh no, that's terrible. How long have I got?" the man asks.

"10..." says the doctor.

"10? 10 what? Months? Weeks? What?!" he asks desperately.

"10...9...8...7..."

********************************************************

A fellow walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had.
He said, "Shingles."
So she took down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

A few minutes later a nurse's aid came out and asked him what he had.
He said, "Shingles."
So she took down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told him to wait in the examining room.

Ten minutes later a nurse came in and asked him what he had.
He said, "Shingles."
So she gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, told him to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

Fifteen minutes later the doctor came in and asked him what he had.
He said, "Shingles."
The doctor said, "Where?"
He said, "Outside in the truck. Where do you want them?"


----------



## AmandaRose (Dec 13, 2019)

Did you hear about the optometrist that fell into his lens grinding machine?

He made a spectacle of himself


----------



## AmandaRose (Dec 13, 2019)

I went to the doctor this morning and told him I felt run down. ‘Why do you feel that?’ he asked. ‘Because,’ I replied, ‘I’ve got tire marks on my legs.


----------



## Alexander1970 (Dec 13, 2019)

The Teacher and little John talk:

_*Are your Parents coming for the Parents' Talk tomorrow ?*_

"No, they were run over by the Tractor?"

_*"That is terrible. And who cares about you now? Your Grandparents ?"*_

"No, they were run over by the Tractor too."

_*"But someone has to worry about you? Maybe an Uncle or Aunt?"*_

"No, they were run over by the Tractor too."

_*"But what do you do all Day then alone at Home !?!?"*_

"Drive the Tractor......"


----------



## Alexander1970 (Dec 21, 2019)

I will never forget my Grandfather's last Words: 

_"Stop shaking the Ladder,you little Bastard"_


----------



## Uiaad (Dec 21, 2019)

I poured root beer in a square glass.

Now I just have beer.


----------



## AmandaRose (Dec 21, 2019)

Why do butchers hate dildos and tofu? Because they are both meat substitutes.


----------



## IncredulousP (Dec 21, 2019)

AmandaRose said:


> Why do butchers hate dildos and tofu? Because they are both meat substitutes.


Dildos can also be meat additions


----------



## AmandaRose (Dec 23, 2019)

A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner. The man and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess. The dad said, "Well it's what Mommy calls me sometimes." The little girl screamed to her brother, "Don't eat it. Its an asshole!


----------



## Alexander1970 (Dec 23, 2019)

AmandaRose said:


> Why do *butchers* hate dildos and tofu? Because they are both meat substitutes.





AmandaRose said:


> A man *kills* a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner. The man and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess. The dad said, "Well it's what Mommy calls me sometimes." The little girl screamed to her brother, "Don't eat it. Its an asshole!



Well,we have a somewhat progressive Phase at the Moment ....


----------



## Alexander1970 (Dec 23, 2019)

I tried baking Christmas Cookies.....

.....and now we have _Shuriken....._


----------



## IncredulousP (Dec 23, 2019)

Why don't crocodiles like to eat stoners? Because they're only half-baked.


----------



## Uiaad (Dec 23, 2019)

My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.


----------



## AmandaRose (Dec 23, 2019)

A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex. The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her that it's still experimental. He tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner, so that night, she does just that. About a week later, she’s back at the doctor, where she says, "Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in the potatoes like you said! It wasn't five minutes later that he jumped up, threw all the food and dishes onto the floor, grabbed me, ripped all my clothes off, and ravaged me right there on the table!" The doctor says, "I’m sorry, we didn’t realize the pill was that strong! We will gladly pay for any damages." "Nah," she says, "that's okay. We're never going back to that restaurant anyway."


----------



## AmandaRose (Dec 23, 2019)

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of dicks are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his penis is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”


----------



## Alexander1970 (Dec 23, 2019)

I thought I was Single forever. 

But now I have finally been able to meet someone. 

I am really looking forward to February 31th.....


----------



## AmandaRose (Dec 24, 2019)

What is the best Christmas present in the world? A broken drum, you just can't beat it!


----------



## Alexander1970 (Dec 29, 2019)

Can I tell you a time travel joke?

_*Yes gladly.*_

You didn't liked him.....


----------



## Veho (Jan 1, 2020)




----------



## thewannacryguy (Jan 2, 2020)

While talking to a Japanese girl, I was intending to say "もんくをいう", I accidentally said "まんこをいう". Good thing she pretended not to notice.


----------



## IncredulousP (Jan 2, 2020)

thewannacryguy said:


> While talking to a Japanese girl, I was intending to say "もんくをいう", I accidentally said "まんこをいう". Good thing she pretended not to notice.


何を言うてんねん??


----------



## thewannacryguy (Jan 3, 2020)

What does てんねん mean? I haven't heard this before.


----------



## IncredulousP (Jan 3, 2020)

thewannacryguy said:


> What does てんねん mean? I haven't heard this before.


I tried looking it up myself but couldn't find anything. My kanji dictionary said the phrase was slang, so that's probably why.


----------



## AmandaRose (Jan 5, 2020)

Paddy asks Mick how he got on at the Faith Healing evening... Mick says ‘The faith healer was absolutely rubbish....Even the fella  in the wheelchair got up and walked out !’


----------



## Alexander1970 (Jan 5, 2020)

Two Grandmas,Waldtraut and Sieghilde,meet in the Café.

Suddenly Waldtraut says:
_"I think you have a Suppository in your left Ear."_

Startled,Sieghilde takes the Suppository out of her Ear,stares at it briefly and says:
_“Oh thank you for making me aware of it.I think I now also know where to find my Hearing Aid........"_


----------



## IncredulousP (Jan 5, 2020)

alexander1970 said:


> Suddenly Waldtraut *says*:





alexander1970 said:


> Sieghilde...,"thank you for making me aware of it"


Sieghilde is a liar!!
---
Aids in the butt is no joke.


----------



## Alexander1970 (Jan 5, 2020)

IncredulousP said:


> Aids in the butt is no joke.



Another great one.


----------



## AmandaRose (Jan 26, 2020)

A stockboy is stacking fruit on a display, when a lady asks "Do you have any pineapples? " The stockboy replies "Sorry ma'am, we are out of pineapples, but we will be getting a shipment tomorrow morning" The lady looks around some more. A few mins later she runs back to him asking where the pineapples are. The stockboy confused about her mental state simply tells her "Sorry ma'am, we are out of pineapples, but we will be getting a shipment tomorrow morning" The lady looks around some more then goes back to the same stockboy and asks "Where the hell do you keep the pineapples, I need some pineapples right now!" The stockboy, getting frustated with his inability to explain the situation, tells the lady "Answers a couple of questions and I will get you your pineapples from the back." The lady agrees and the man starts the questions. "Spell cat for me, as in catastrophe " she says Ok, "C A T". "Very good!" the stockboy says, "now spell dog, as in dogmatic. " The lady getting frustrated spells it correct. Now the employee finally asks "now spell, Fuc, as in pineapples. " She replies "There is no Fuck in pineapples?" To which the stockboy replies "THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN TRYING TO TELL YOU THE WHOLE TIME!"


----------



## JuanBaNaNa (Jan 26, 2020)

I grew up with personalities such as PoloPolo, Memo Rios, Teo Gonzales, Gus Rodrigues... almost forgot about Chaf&Quely and their jokes are COMPLETELY NON-POLITICALLY CORRECT
So if I post a joke, I'd probably get another warning for either _beeeeeeing:
_


_

Racist

Sexist

Offensive
_
So I'll leave this just here...


----------



## AmandaRose (Jan 26, 2020)

JuanMena said:


> I grew up with personalities such as PoloPolo, Memo Rios, Teo Gonzales, Gus Rodrigues... and their jokes are COMPLETELY NON-POLITICALLY CORRECT
> So if I post a joke, I'd probably get another warning for either _beeeeeeing:
> _
> 
> ...



You have to physically type out a joke in this thread not post random videos. We already have a thread for that type of thing.


----------



## JuanBaNaNa (Jan 26, 2020)

AmandaRose said:


> You have to physically type out a joke in this thread not post random videos. We already have a thread for that type of thing.


Did you read? All my jokes are aimed at people that can't stand anything nowadays.


----------



## AmandaRose (Jan 26, 2020)

JuanMena said:


> Did you read? All my jokes are aimed at people that can't stand anything nowadays.


Did you read? This thread is for jokes not for videos as i said we have a thread for that. Feel free to post jokes in text form if you want to just dont be racist or homophobic or transphobic with the jokes and people won't complain and by people I mean me


----------



## IncredulousP (Jan 26, 2020)

AmandaRose said:


> Did you read? This thread is for jokes not for videos as i said we have a thread for that. Feel free to post jokes in text form if you want to just dont be racist or homophobic or transphobic with the jokes and people won't complain and by people I mean me


I met an ethnic, gay, trans person the other day and they suuuucked.


----------



## AkiraKurusu (Jan 27, 2020)

One Christmas, my brother put a bell around my dog's neck.

I took it off and told everyone that my dog had won the "Nobel Prize".


----------



## AmandaRose (Jan 27, 2020)

IncredulousP said:


> I met an ethnic, gay, trans person the other day and they suuuucked.


That joke sucked


----------



## Castiel (Jan 29, 2020)

How do you catch a bear?



Spoiler: Answer



Dig a hole, fill it with ashes, and surround it in peas
When the bear goes to take a pea, kick it in the ash-hole


----------



## AmandaRose (Jan 29, 2020)

Maria, a devout Catholic, got married and had 15 children. After her first husband died, she remarried and had 15 more children. A few weeks after her second husband died, Maria also passed away. At Maria's funeral, the priest looked skyward and said, "At last, they're finally together." Her sister sitting in the front row said, "Excuse me, Father, but do you mean with her first husband, or with her second husband?" The priest replied, "No I mean her legs."


----------



## Veho (Jan 30, 2020)

I can't find my "Gone in 60 seconds" DVD. 

It was here a minute ago.


----------



## Alexander1970 (Feb 19, 2020)

*"Boah, the Boy over there is really ugly."*

_*"This is my Son."*_

*"Oh sorry, I didn't know you were the Father."*

_*"I am his Mother."*_


----------



## AmandaRose (Feb 19, 2020)

What’s the difference between a catfish and a boyfriend?

One is a filthy scum-sucking, crap-eating, bottom feeder and the other one is a fish


----------



## Alexander1970 (Feb 19, 2020)

"My wife is a real Scottish," brags the newly married man. 
"Yesterday she changed the water in the aquarium and today we had fish soup."


----------



## AmandaRose (Feb 19, 2020)

*What do you call a racist Austrian girl with big boobs?*

Titler


----------



## Alexander1970 (Feb 19, 2020)

What is the difference between an Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman?
If you ask for more sugar when you are invited to tea

In England, the hostess gives you a piece of sugar from the can.
In Ireland you get the whole sugar bowl and are asked to help yourself.
In Scotland, the hostess says: "You certainly haven't stirred yet!"


----------



## Alexander1970 (Feb 23, 2020)

A Camel meets an Elephant.

The Elephant asks: "Why do you actually have your Breasts on your Back?" 
The Camel replies: "Why do you actually have your Penis on your Face."


----------



## AmandaRose (Feb 24, 2020)

Teacher: "Johnny why is your cat at school today?"

John (crying): "I heard the postman tell my mummy when the kid goes to school I'm going to eat your pussy!"


----------



## Alexander1970 (Feb 24, 2020)

AmandaRose said:


> Teacher: "Johnny why is your cat at school today?"
> 
> John (crying): "I heard the postman tell my mummy when the kid goes to school I'm going to eat your pussy!"




Amanda.....you naughty Girl....


----------



## VinsCool (Feb 25, 2020)

At the pool, a swimmer gets kicked out because he peed in the water.

- But, but, you're exaggerating, I'm not the only one doing this!

- Yes, sir, from the top of the diving board, you are the only one!


----------



## AmandaRose (Feb 25, 2020)

President Trump was out walking on a beautiful snowy day, when he saw that somebody had urinated on the White House lawn to spell out "The President Sucks."

Infuriated, he called on the secret service to figure out who had done it. In a few hours, they came to him and told him that there was some bad news and some worse news.

"The bad news is that the urine is from the Vice President."

"Mike? How could you do this to me? What could be worse than this?"

"The handwriting's the first lady's."


----------



## IncredulousP (Feb 25, 2020)

AmandaRose said:


> he saw that somebody had urinated on the White House lawn to spell out


Lol nice double joke, we all know he can't read.


----------



## Veho (Feb 26, 2020)




----------



## IncredulousP (Feb 27, 2020)

Stealing this one I saw on Discord.

Man: "Excuse me, do you have any books on turtles?"
Librarian: "Hard back?"
Man: "Yeah with little green heads."


----------



## Alexander1970 (Feb 27, 2020)

A Rabbit sits crying in the Meadow. 

A Deer comes by:
"Why are you crying?" 

Rabbit answers:
"The Bear asked if I was shedding, and then I said no and then he used me as Toilet Paper! "

The next Day the Rabbit sits laughing on the Meadow.

The Deer comes over again:
" Why are you laughing? "

Rabbit smiles:
"Today the Bear asked the Hedgehog!"


----------



## The Catboy (Feb 27, 2020)

Wanna hear a joke? Humans


----------



## Alexander1970 (Feb 27, 2020)

How many Animals does a Woman need ? 

*FOUR*


A Mink in the Closet.

A Stallion for the Bed.

A Jaguar in front of the Door.

And an old Donkey that pays for everything....


----------



## VinsCool (Feb 27, 2020)

A man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and said:
- I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?
The woman looked puzzled.
- Why talk to me? she asked.
- Because every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours, my wife appears out of nowhere!


----------



## Veho (Feb 27, 2020)




----------



## Alexander1970 (Feb 27, 2020)

"Why do Elephants have Red Eyes ?"

_*"I do not know."*_

"So that they can better hide in the Cherry Tree."

_*"But I've never seen an Elephant in a Cherry Tree."*_

"You can see how well they can hide..."


----------



## IncredulousP (Feb 27, 2020)

Veho said:


>


Whew, I have to say I thought this was headed elsewhere.


----------



## Alexander1970 (Feb 27, 2020)

The Mouse says to the Elephant: "Elephant,please come out of the Water."

The Elephant says: "No,I am swimming so beautifully now."

Mouse: "Elephant,please !!! "

Is getting too stupid for the Elephant and he comes out of the Water.

The Mouse looks up briefly and says:
"Good, you can go back in.
I just wanted to see if you were wearing my Swimming Trunks...."


----------



## Deleted User (Feb 28, 2020)

A guy goes to his Doctor and says
"Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home."

The Doctor replies "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."

The man asks is it common?

Doctor says "It's Not Unusual."


----------



## Deleted User (Feb 28, 2020)

My old aunts would come and tease me at weddings, “Well Sarah? Do you think you’ll be next?”


We’ve settled this quickly once I’ve started doing the same to them at funerals.


----------



## Alexander1970 (Mar 4, 2020)

How do you get an Elephant in the fridge ?_ *Open the door, elephant in, door closed.*_
How do you get a Giraffe in the fridge? *Door open, elephant out, giraffe in, door closed.*
How do you know that an Elephant was in the fridge? _*Footsteps in the butter.*_
How can you tell that two Elephants were in the fridge? _*Two different footsteps in the butter.*_
How can you tell that three Elephants were in the fridge? _*The door is not closing properly.*_
How can you tell that four Elephants were in the fridge?_* A mini is parked in front of it.*_
How do you know that a Giraffe is in the fridge? _*The elephant sitting in front of it.*_


----------



## Deleted member 397813 (Mar 5, 2020)

How do you start a rave in Ethiopia?

Staple a piece of meat onto the ceiling.


----------



## Veho (Mar 5, 2020)

alexander1970 said:


> How can you tell that four Elephants are in the fridge?_* A mini is parked in front of it.*_


This needs that other joke first: 

_How do you fit four elephants into a Mini?_
Two in the front seat, two in the back seat.


----------



## Alexander1970 (Mar 5, 2020)

Veho said:


> This needs that other joke first:
> 
> _How do you fit four elephants into a Mini?_
> Two in the front seat, two in the back seat.



Of Course,you are right.
It is a little "gone under" because of the Fridge "Line"..

--------------------- MERGED ---------------------------

An Elephant crumbles an Anthill as it passes.
The Ants swear Vengeance and raise an Army of 10,000 Ants.
They pounce on the Elephant and want to throw it on the Ground. 
The Elephant only shakes and 9,999 fall again.
An Ant looks up and sees: "Charly is still up !!!". 
Then all the Ants in the Choir cry: “Choke him,Charly ! Choke him ! "


----------



## Deleted User (Mar 8, 2020)

Why did the teacher shout at the Asian but not at me?

Because I’m White and he’s Wong.


----------



## AmandaRose (Mar 16, 2020)

Just been in Morrisons. Saw a guy whose trolley was full to the brim with hand sanitizers, baby wipes, soaps, everything that people need!!
I called him a selfish c**t,  gave him a low down about the elderly and mums etc who need these types of things. Told him he should be f*cking ashamed of himself! 
He said: “that’s all good and well mate but I work here, can I carry on filling the shelves now?”


----------



## Deleted User (Mar 18, 2020)

A man walks into a library and asked if they had any books about paranoia.
The librarian says "They're right behind you!"


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## Alexander1970 (Mar 18, 2020)

An Elephant stands on a Scale and says:

_“Error again. It's nice if you can keep your Weight..."_


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## Alexander1970 (Apr 15, 2020)

I was on a Polish Website.
Suddenly the Mouse Pointer was gone...


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## AmandaRose (Apr 15, 2020)

Q: What is long and hard that a Polish bride gets on her wedding night?

 A: A new last name.


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## Alexander1970 (Apr 15, 2020)

Poland the only country where the boomerang does not come back.


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## AmandaRose (Apr 15, 2020)

Last year I went to a music concert in Poland. It was fucking terrible no matter what seat i sat in I couldn't see a bloody thing because there was always a pole in front of me


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## Alexander1970 (Apr 15, 2020)

Why are Roundabouts so wide in Poland?
So that you can drive through with the Steering Wheel Lock.


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## AmandaRose (Apr 15, 2020)

Last one then I'm going to bed. 


Why wasn't Christ born in Poland?
Because they couldn't find three wisemen and a virgin.


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## Alexander1970 (Apr 17, 2020)

Son to Father: "Dad,you told me to put a Potato in my Swimming Trunks.
It would impress the Girls in the local Swimming Pool,you said."

_*Father:"Yes,my Boy,that is right."*_

Son:"Unfortunately you forgot to mention that I should have put them "in the front" of my Swimming Trunks.... ”


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## Veho (May 8, 2020)




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## AmandaRose (May 8, 2020)

A wife comes home late one night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket, she sees four legs instead of just her husband's two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. He says, "Hi darling, your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello?"


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## Alexander1970 (May 12, 2020)

In a train car there were a Canadian, an American, a spectacular looking blonde and a frightfully awful looking fat lady. After several minutes of the trip the train happens to pass through a dark tunnel, and the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard. When they leave the tunnel, the American had a big red slap mark on his cheek.

The blonde thought - "That American son of a bitch wanted to touch me and by mistake, he must have put his hand on the fat lady, who in turn must have slapped his face."

The fat lady thought - "This dirty old American laid his hands on the blonde and she smacked him."

The American thought - "That bastard Canadian put his hand on that blonde and by mistake she slapped me."

The Canadian thought - "I hope there's another tunnel soon so I can smack that stupid American again."


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## VinsCool (May 12, 2020)

alexander1970 said:


> In a train car there were a Canadian, an American, a spectacular looking blonde and a frightfully awful looking fat lady. After several minutes of the trip the train happens to pass through a dark tunnel, and the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard. When they leave the tunnel, the American had a big red slap mark on his cheek.
> 
> The blonde thought - "That American son of a bitch wanted to touch me and by mistake, he must have put his hand on the fat lady, who in turn must have slapped his face."
> 
> ...


 nah Canadians are too nice for that.
He would have said sorry even if he were slapped XD


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## Alexander1970 (May 12, 2020)

A Coffee goes across the Street and is stopped by a Police Officer.
The Coffee complains: "You only stopped me because I'm Black .."

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++


What is the difference between a Bear and an Airplane ?

_Have you ever seen a Bear with a Window ?_


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## Alexander1970 (Jun 5, 2020)

A Glider (Sailplane) crashes exactly on the Border between Germany and France. 
Who gets the Engine ?



Spoiler: Answer...



There is no Engine...


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## Veho (Jun 6, 2020)

alexander1970 said:


> A Glider (Sailplane) crashes exactly on the Border between Germany and France.
> Who gets the Engine ?
> 
> 
> ...


A more important question is, where will they bury the wounded?


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## AmandaRose (Jun 6, 2020)

A family was driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumped against the windshield. Embarrassed, and to spare her young daughter's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry, dear. That was just an insect." "Wow," the girl replies. "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that!"


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## JuanBaNaNa (Jun 6, 2020)

Now that I've seen the Pokemon Cartoon involving trains, I just remembered a joke about a train.
This one is from Mexican comedians Manolín and Shillinsky.

So there's a passengers train, with people inside.
And in one of the seats, there's an old lady and a pretty lady. And in front of them there's a mexican and a russian.
Then, the train goes inside a tunnel with no lights, and everything is dark.
Suddenly MUUUUACK! you hear someone kissing.
And following the kiss, SLAP! somebody hit someone.
The train gets out of the tunnel, and the old lady, the pretty lady and the mexican notice that the russian just got a red cheek.
The old lady was thinking: Look at this russian, he surely kissed the pretty lady, and he received a hit.
The pretty lady was thinking: This russian surely tried to kiss me, but he mistook me for the old lady, and the old lady hit him.
The russian was thinking: This ***** mexican must've kissed the pretty lady and she hit me instead of him.
And the mexican was thinking: On the next tunnel I will kiss my hand and I'll slap the russian again.

--------------------- MERGED ---------------------------



alexander1970 said:


> In a train car there were a Canadian, an American, a spectacular looking blonde and a frightfully awful looking fat lady. After several minutes of the trip the train happens to pass through a dark tunnel, and the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard. When they leave the tunnel, the American had a big red slap mark on his cheek.
> 
> The blonde thought - "That American son of a bitch wanted to touch me and by mistake, he must have put his hand on the fat lady, who in turn must have slapped his face."
> 
> ...


WHAT THE FUCK?
I didn't noticed this.
Way to go alexander


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## AmandaRose (Jun 6, 2020)

An old married couple are in church one Sunday… when the woman turns to her husband and says, “I’ve just let out a really long, silent fart. What should I do?”

The husband turned to her and says, “Replace the battery in your hearing aid.”


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## JuanBaNaNa (Jun 6, 2020)

Theres a father, and his old daughter comes crying to him.
The father asks: Why are you crying darling?
And the daughter says: I'm crying because my husband hits me.
And the father gets angry... and grabs a ball, and throws it to the girl. And the girl: Awww! No! Stop!
And the father gets angry... and grabs a bike, and throws it to the girl. No! Stop it!
And the father gets angry... and grabs a car, and throws it to the girl. Ay! No!
And the father gets angry... and grabs a train, and an airplane, and toss them to the girl. And once he's thrown everything from the toy-store to the girl, the girl says: Why are you hitting me?
And the father, angry says: If that son of a b hits my daughter, I'm going to hit his wife!


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## JuanBaNaNa (Jun 6, 2020)

The circus comes to the city!
And the main show is a show with midgets.
This tiny midgets, this size, gives their show and it's a fricking success! 
In order to celebrate, the midgets that are this tiny, goes to a bar to get drunk and what not. 
Couple hours later, the midgets, this tiny, are already dispersed all over the bar.

A drunk guy enters the bar, looks at the mess, and says...

Who...  who the...  who the fuck disassembled the foosball table?


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## JuanBaNaNa (Jun 7, 2020)

So there's a jewish guy, and he get's his son to the jewish school.
The son, gets bad grades... and the father tells him: The next time you get bad grades, I'll get you in a catholic school!
The son, gets bad grades again... and the father does what he said he'll do, so the son gets to the catholic school.

The following grades are way better than before, and the father says: Hey now, this is much better. What happened?
And the son says:

Uff, no daddy, in front of us, there's a jewish guy nailed by the hands and the feet... and now I know that this school is not messing around with us!


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## Alexander1970 (Jun 15, 2020)

The Scottish Soccer Team won a Game.
(No,that was NOT the Joke....)

The Coach comes into the Cabin and says:
"Guys,you were great.You really deserve a Refreshment.
......
John,open the Window ! "


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## VinsCool (Jun 15, 2020)

alexander1970 said:


> The Scottish Soccer Team won a Game.
> (No,that was NOT the Joke....)
> 
> The Coach comes into the Cabin and says:
> ...


Lemme guess, they played baby foot? XD


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## AmandaRose (Jun 15, 2020)

A Portuguese, Spaniard, Dane, Finn, Swede, German, French, Italian, Belgian, Austrian, Czech, Polish, Russian, Afgani, Serbian, Brit, Irish, Scot, Sardinian, Corsican, Icelander, Belarian, Romanian, Yugoslavian, Hungarian, Ukrainian, Bulgarian, Turk, Morrocan, Algerian, Liberian, Sudanese, S. African, Zambian, Ethiopian, Bosnian, Nigerian, Angolan, Botswanian, Tanzanian, Saudi Arabian, Kuwaiti, Iranian, Iraqi, Pakistanian, Mongolian, Indian, Burman, Chinese, Cambodian, Laotian, Somalian, Yemen, Syrian, Israeli, Armenian, Philipino, Javan, Australian, Sri Lankan, Malaysian, Georgian, Taiwanese, Japanese, Vietnamese, Puerto Rican, Dominican Republican, Aruban, Jamacian, Cuban, Haitian, El Salvadorian, Guatamalan, Nicaraguan, Costa Rican, Panamanian, American, Canadian, Mexican, Argentinian, Bolivian, Peruvian, Columbian, Brazilian, Ecuadorian and a Venezuelan walk into a bar.



The bartender looks up and says, "Sorry. I cannot serve you without a Thai."


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## slaphappygamer (Jun 16, 2020)

@AmandaRose walks into a bar, wait no, she drunk and fell asleep in the van.


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## Alexander1970 (Jun 16, 2020)

Ms.McDonald comes excitedly to her Husband in the Kitchen. 
"Imagine our Daughter sitting on young McGregor's Lap in the Living Room,and he turned off the Light too!" 
"I like the boy,"growls Mr.McDonald, "saves Light and uses only one Chair!"


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## AmandaRose (Jun 26, 2020)

I was at a cash machine when an old lady walked up and asked me to help her check her balance.
So I pushed her over.


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## Veho (Jun 26, 2020)




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## AmandaRose (Jun 26, 2020)

I saw an advert in the newspaper that said: “Television for sale, £1, volume stuck on full.” 

I thought, “I can’t turn that down.”


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## Alexander1970 (Jul 11, 2020)

A Scotsman gets into a severe storm with his wife on a sailing trip.
The sailboat hits full and sinks.
The man is saved, but there is no trace of the woman.
After a month, the man received a telegram from the police:
"Woman covered with mussels and oysters found floating in the sea - stop - what should we do - stop"

Thereupon the Scotsman wrote back: "Sell mussels and oysters - stop - new lay out the bait
- stop"

#######################################################################

@AmandaRose this One is for you.

"How was it in Scotland?" the father asks his daughter, who has returned from vacation.
"Do the Scots really have bagpipes?"
"Not really, Daddy. The Scots I met had a perfectly normal one."


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## Veho (Jul 13, 2020)




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## Alexander1970 (Jul 13, 2020)

What does a German do when he finds a Fly in his Glass of Whiskey?
He takes her out and continues to drink !

And what does a Frenchman do ? 
He immediately orders a new Glass !

And a Scotsman? 
He fishes the Fly out,holds it up and
screams with rage: "Spit out the Whiskey !"


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## R4Liam (Jul 13, 2020)

What is the most common Owl in the world? 

The tea towel


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## AmandaRose (Jul 13, 2020)

Since the snow has come all my boyfriend has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse I'm gonna have to let him back in the house.


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## Alexander1970 (Jul 13, 2020)

Last Sentence of the Letter from a scotish Father to his Son:
"Wanted to send you some more Money.....
But the Letter was already sealed. "


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## AmandaRose (Jul 13, 2020)

Well seen as how my Austrian friend keeps making jokes about the Scottish being skinflints with their money I might as well join in. 


A Scottish man and his wife are out for a walk. They pass by a new restaurant that has just opened and the wife turns to her husband and says mmm the food in there smells so delicious.

The Scottish man thinks to himself how much he loves his wife and he decides to give her a special treat. 

So he lets her walk by the restaurant again


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## Alexander1970 (Jul 13, 2020)

AmandaRose said:


> Well seen as how my Austrian friend keeps making jokes about the Scottish being skinflints with their money I might as well join in.
> 
> 
> A Scottish man and his wife are out for a walk. They pass by a new restaurant that has just opened and the wife turns to her husband and says mmm the food in there smells so delicious.
> ...



If you find good "Burgenländer" Jokes,please feel free.
But I fear nobody really understands it....

For Example:

Why have the Burgenländer the Windshield Wipers inside the Car ?

Because they driving like this:

"Brrrrrrummmm Bruummmmmmm Pfffrrrrrrrrrrrmmmmm"
(Imagine they do it it with the Tongue so they have a lot of Spittle inside the Car´s Front Window.....)


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## slimbizzy (Jul 14, 2020)

* walks into room *

ballsack.

* walks out of room *


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## Zucker (Jul 14, 2020)

A man stands in front of a food truck and reads the menu:

Cheeseburgers: $5
Fries: $3
Handjobs: $10

He walks up to the window and asks the beautiful blonde working behind the counter, "Are you the one that gives the handjobs?"

"Yes, I am," she replies seductively.
"Well, wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger."


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## Alexander1970 (Jul 30, 2020)

What is the Scottish Recipe for a Tomato Soup ? 

Simply heat Water and pour it into a Red Bowl.


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## AmandaRose (Jul 30, 2020)

alexander1970 said:


> What is the Scottish Recipe for a Tomato Soup ?
> 
> Simply heat Water and pour it into a Red Bowl.View attachment 219545


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## Alexander1970 (Jul 30, 2020)

AmandaRose said:


> View attachment 219547


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## Deleted member 507653 (Jul 31, 2020)

A family of tortoises (Mamma Tortoise, Daddy Tortoise, Grandpa Tortoise, and Baby Tortoise) decide to go on a picnic. They pack up their basket up and begin their journey to the park. One week later, they get to the park, unpack the basket, and realize they've forgotten the salad dressing! They plead with Grandpa Tortoise to go back and get it.

"No way!" Grandpa Tortoise says. "The trip'll take me two weeks there and back. You'll start on the food without me and it'll be all gone by the time I've returned!"

After much reassuring that they won't touch the food, the family finally gets Grandpa Tortoise to retrieve the dressing. They send him on his way.
Two weeks later, the Tortoise family is getting hungry but there's no sign of Grandpa Tortoise.

"I'm sure he'll be here soon," says Mamma Tortoise. "And we promised we wouldn't start without him."

_Another_ _week_ goes by and Grandpa Tortoise has still not come back. The Tortoise family is beginning to starve.

"I know we're all hungry," says Mamma Tortoise. "But we promised so I'm afraid we'll just have to wait."

_Another_ _week_ goes by and still no sign of Grandpa Tortoise. The Tortoise family is slowly starving to death.

"I can't take this anymore!" says Daddy Tortoise. "We can't starve ourselves waiting." He grabs the sandwiches and starts passing them around.

As Daddy Tortoise takes his first bite, Grandpa Tortoise pops up from behind a bush and says, "I KNEW YOU WERE GOING TO START WITHOUT ME! I'M NOT GOING."


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## AmandaRose (Aug 15, 2020)

*A guy is in a queue at the supermarket...*


...when he notices that the rather dishy blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him.

He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and although familiar he can’t place where he might know her from, so he says “sorry do you know me?”

She replies “I maybe mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children!”

His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful, he says “are you that stripogram on my stag night that I fucked on the pool table in front of all my mates whilst your friend whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my rear?”

“No”, she replies, “I’m your son’s English Teacher


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