1. BORTZ

    OP BORTZ The Amazing
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    CREDIT TO DEVIN FOR THE IDEA

    WIP WIP WIP WIP WIP

    What you will need
    One of the steps you can take before even having a girl in mind, is to get yourself looking presentable. Basic hygiene is a MUST. Brush your teeth (if you have any) comb your hair (if you have any) and wash your face ( i know you have this). Make sure your clothes are clean, pressed, and not uh full of holes, unless of course its for "fashion". Speaking of fashion, being up on the latest trends and looking like you have a clue is a good idea too. Use proper grammar and talk like an educated man. You would be surprised how attractive that is to girls.

    Where to find girls
    Girls are an illusive species. If you are still in school, great. There's a great place to start. Maybe there is a girl in class who you have a crush on, maybe you see one between classes. Who knows. College is a hot spot for girls too. You can attend your college's sporting evens, musicals, etc.

    Outside of school, all hope is not lost. Possibly there is a lady in your workplace you might have eyes for. Other places to meet someone are common ones. Maybe at the laundry mat or grocery store. I know, it sounds crazy, but it happens, more than you think. And maybe to you. BUT YOU HAVE TO GO OUTSIDE

    So you met a girl, but if you followed the advice in the "what you need" tab you already increased your chances to spend more time with her.

    ASKING HER OUT/POPPING THE QUESTION
    This is tricky as its kinda what makes or breaks the rest of the guide. The best way is to not psych yourself out. Or her. Dont make such a big deal out of it, especially if its a first date. Ask her to
    -dinner
    -a movie
    -sporting event
    -coffee shop visit thingy (what the hell do people do when they go to a coffee shop?)
    -shopping at a local mall or shopping center
    -mini golf
    -bowling
    -museum visit
    -a picnic
    and im sure you can come up with things on your own. Thats just to get you started.

    It is important to become friends before making large steps into relationship. Being best friends wont happen over night, but you need to get to know someone before hopping into "happily ever after".
    Once you have spent some time together you can see where your "friendship" is going. If things seem right, maybe take her to a private place or somewhere you can have a few moments together and discuss if you should take the next step into being exclusive.

    How to treat a lady
    CHIVALRY IS NOT DEAD. Whether you are into this 3rd wave feminism shiz or not, women are to be treated with kindness and respect. Hold doors for them, tell them they are pretty, and it is not too much to ask that you take care of the meal at a restaurant.

    When you pick her up from her house, dont you dare sit in the driveway honking the horn till she walkes out to the car. Walk up to the door, knock, and then when she is ready (which will be another 45 minutes) walk her down to the car. Open the door for her, and shut it when she is seated.

    DISCLAIMER
    Women do not OWE you ANYTHING. Just because you spent money to drive her around and payed for her meal and everything, does NOT mean she has to "put out" for you. Do not discredit her by going around and slandering her by saying "shes a stingy bitch, i did all this and she wouldnt sleep with me". She doesnt have to. She is not yours, even if you are in a steady relationship, and is free to make her own choices.
    While we are here, we should probably talk about sex and its implications. I may sound preachy here, but it is MY guide afterall, i didnt have to share this info with you, so deal with it.
    Sex feels great, its amazing. Empires have been traded for a good time in the sack, fortunes turned, etc. Now, i personally frown on sex outside of marriage, as unrealistic as that sounds. Anyways, humans are one of the ONLY species who mate face to face (most of the time lol). Almost every other animal on the planet never looks its mate in the eye while having sex. For humans, its about much more than just the primal directive to have offspring and further our own existence with children. Sex creates one of the strongest and intimate bonds a human can make, ESPECIALLY for a first timer. The reason i frown on this is because you dont know if you are going to be with this person for the rest of your life or not. You may think so, but you dont know that. And sex makes breaking it off with someone you dont want to be with anymore that much harder. You had something very special with that one... anyways. Conversly, sex can lead to a strong and healthy relationship, creating intimacy and trust between a couple.

    Enough on that. Im not going to be able to stop you and I am certainly not going to try, I just want you to know the emotional stings that come with sex.

    Problems
    It is important to establish an open and trust filled environment for you both to grow and express how you are feeling about each other. If a problem arises, you both need to be willing to deal with it. Small things can break up a strong couple if left alone and examined. Dont go around lying to her, "talking" to other girls, dont be a jerk, and for goodness sake dont ignore her. Doing things like trying to make her jealous is only going to end poorly, probably for both of you.
    Now if problems arise on her side, take a step back and make sure you arent the root of them.

    Break ups
    Sometimes she gets cold feet and wants out, its sad and hard to deal with, but it happens. Be as understanding as you can be, and try to talk things over calmly.

    Friendzone
    If you find yourself in the ravine known as the dreaded "friendzone", there are a few things you can do to pull yourself out.

    Usually this happens when a girl likes you as a friend. Unfortunately, in her eyes, you have become "one of the girls" to her. "her gay boyfriend" or something. She love hanging out with you and being "safe" with you, but not in a committed relationship with you. To be quite honest, its what a relationship should be, but shes confused and thinks that douche 18 on the football team banging her and then ignoring her for the rest of the week is what qualifies for a "boyfriend".

    ...So she comes to you for the rest of what should be included in a healthy pairing. So how do you get out?
    -There is a good chance you are going to have to bring it up to her that you feel like you have been slighted and friendzoned. She isnt going to know or admit thats what she did to you. So you are going to have to man up (which might be a good indicator of WHY you are there in the first place) and confront her. Dont be mean, but be firm with the points you would like to discuss. You are going to want to know how thing are going to change.
    -Most of the time this involves you giving her and ultimatum. Now realize that you are most of the time, giving up any chance of being with her. This is a painful deal. Either she breaks it off with douchey or she loses you for good, anything less keeps her in control, getting both of the things she wants, AKA the reason you are friendzoned.
    -Dont give up hope. Things dont happen immediately. Maybe it takes her a few weeks, months to realize that she can deal with Douche 18 anymore and what she was really enjoying was her time with you. Maybe things dont change, but you are out of that canyon. Its a good idea to start moving on as soon as you are out, that way you dont get sucked back in.

    Starting over
    ----------------
    Q:


    A: I imagine this is something you would need a trusting relationship for. You should probably sit down with her and openly discuss the possibility of you placing you black cobra in her dainty butt. She may express concerns, and if she doesnt like it, you are out of luck.
     
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  2. emigre

    emigre i am a free i am not man a number
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    Bortzy, how can I get my girlfriend to let me fuck her up the arse?
     
  3. kristianity77

    kristianity77 GBATemp old fogey
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    No messing, straight in there with that one i see!

    ...maybe thats the answer??
     
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  4. The Pi

    The Pi Lurker
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    I was expecting some sort of joke... but no, just what should be obvious knowledge.

    I am disappointed.
     
  5. emigre

    emigre i am a free i am not man a number
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    Just do her dry?
     
  6. kristianity77

    kristianity77 GBATemp old fogey
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    I dunno about that, thats a tad harsh. At least try to hunt down some utterly butterly first!
     
  7. Devin

    Devin "Local Hardware Wizard"
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    Dammit, no credit for the idea Bortz?!

    And where's the part about being a badass silent lap patter?
     
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  8. BORTZ

    OP BORTZ The Amazing
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    IM GETTING THERE
     
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  9. Gahars

    Gahars Bakayaro Banzai
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    mfw people need companionship

    [​IMG]

    I'll stick with Doritos, Mountain Dew, and My Little Pony, thank you very much. They'll never friendzone me!
     
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  10. BORTZ

    OP BORTZ The Amazing
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    You would be surprised how many guys here have no idea about any of this stuff.
     
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  11. Fishaman P

    Fishaman P Speedrunner
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    2 sad things about me:

    1) I immediately clicked on this thread
    2) When I saw it was by BortzANATOR, I still read it.
     
  12. natkoden

    natkoden GBAtemp Maniac
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    step 1) stop visiting gbatemp
     
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  13. BORTZ

    OP BORTZ The Amazing
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    [​IMG]
     
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  14. Chary

    Chary Never sleeps
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    Ahahaha. This made me laugh. It's basic knowledge, yes, but it's basic knowledge that works.
     
  15. raulpica

    raulpica With your drill, thrust to the sky!
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    I love you Bortzy, but this goes into EoF.
     
  16. FAST6191

    FAST6191 Techromancer
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    If that is the case, as many have long suspected, that means this entire thread is redundant and might as well be about how to catch faeries.
     
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  17. Gahars

    Gahars Bakayaro Banzai
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    That's the followup - So You're Gay After All: How To Get A Boyfriend.
     
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  18. FAST6191

    FAST6191 Techromancer
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    Please -- most of us are too greasy to get a girlfriend so there is no chance any of us could get a boyfriend.
     
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  19. BORTZ

    OP BORTZ The Amazing
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    Awwww man, i thought this could be a legit thing lol

    Oh well, no use fighting. At least it was you that moved it.
    No love lost.
    iloveyoutoo
     
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  20. raulpica

    raulpica With your drill, thrust to the sky!
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