Oh, No! Monkat's Gone Emo!

monkat

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I haven't made a blog article in a while, so I thought I'd let one out.

I often have this cocky, fun aura about me, in real life and on the internet - always using superlatives to describe myself. I'm the smartest, I'm the sexiest, I'm the best - hell, when I sign anything in real life, I sign it "[Name] the Super Awesome and Sexy [Last Name]". Unfortunately, the truth is that I'm one of the least suited for any of these titles, so much so, that it seems that the only possible position in society that I am eligible for is that which a trained monkey could do: retail. Often nine-hour days, I stand behind a counter, watching the clock count down, often only having a customer every hour and a half or so, and then just hold items up to a light, and count with numbers up to 20.

Whining aside, it seems more and more frequent that I contemplate suicide. It's only natural that life can get better, but the question is "will mine?" Already too late to back out, I have student loans to pay off when I get out of college, be it my current, or when/if I transfer, so there goes part of my food budget, assuming I'll be able to keep a job, with classes, with mandatory internships to graduate. Even when I do graduate, what guarantees are there that I'll find a job, especially if the market doesn't improve? Slim-to-none?

The only thing that really makes me happy anymore (aside from a surprisingly witty pun), is my girlfriend, and we all know how fickle people can be. She need only consider any other options that she might move on. I'm poor, hairy, outwardly cocky, and frankly, clingy. She has a plethora of other options, any of which are going to be better than what she has now.

Whatever.

tl;dr: Monkat's gone emo.


Ps: the title was a reference to this link.
 

ShadowFyre

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How do you count cows? With a cowculator..haha, a good pun is its own reword
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...all jokes aside, welcome to life, it aint fun
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Sterling

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This ain't like you Monkat. Now the internet knows you for what you really think of yourself. Lose the cockyness, and keep the "I can do anything" attitude, and you'll go as far as you want.
 

monkat

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Sterl500 said:
Schizoanalysis said:
ShadowFyre said:
welcome to life

Welcome to capitalism Debt.
There I fixed it for you.

Well, the debt isn't a huge deal with pretty easy to manage plans, providing the education holds up it's end of the bargain (which, given the current situation, it won't), and helps me find a higher paying job - even a little bit.
 

geoflcl

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Yes, we've all been in a point in our life where we simply feel completely and utterly overwhelmed, be it because of work piling up, nothing going right, or simply being stuck in a seemingly quiescent and hopeless situation.

Not all of us here on the 'Temp know what it's like to be in a situation such as yours: an intelligent, yet unrecognized young individual, filled to the brim with ideas but remaining stationary in a rather lackluster living that is said to be "the real world". Nothing is set in stone, nothing is certain, and nothing seems in reach outside of the constant battle to say afloat. Such an affliction is one that many people endure every day.

Honestly, there was a time where I was contemplating suicide on almost a daily basis. It always seemed silly in retrospect on my "good" days, and you feel ashamed for even thinking that you even contemplated it. But when it's bad, oh boy, is it bad. It's impossible to get into a good mindset, every single thing on earth, living or nonliving, seems to be mocking you, and above all, the feeling of hopelessness is stifling. It's really scary, and only one who's experienced this feeling can really relate. And I mean really felt it. To someone who hasn't, the very prospect of suicide seems like a wimpy, silly, and immature thing. And heck, it may sometimes be. But in certain situations, life just gets so overwhelming that it seems to be simply pointless.

(Gosh, this turned out to be a grim post indeed.
ohnoes.png
)

The good news is that things, somehow, turned around. Not in a particularly miraculous or spectacular way, but it did nonetheless. I don't really to this day know how I got out of that mess. It might have been supportive friends, good music, and above all, diligence. The desire to press onward, and make the best of yourself is the only thing that will help. Heck, it sounds really generic and cheesy, but it's really the only thing that can help one find that one thing that could turn their life around. It could be anything. But it's imperative that one finds it.

Anyway, I agree that you're much too cool to be working in the 20-or-less line, and that you're much too cool to be buried in student loans, and to be dumped, and to be at a loss for a job despite a degree. But above all, Monkat, you're much too cool to leave us, and everyone else who cares about you.
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Schizoanalysis

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Perhaps you need a new framework for your life.

There are some things that will always be out of your control, and if you keep butting your head against the wall, hoping that they will change, your situation (or mindset) will just remain the same.

But if you change your framework, things can seem very different.
 

Phoenix Goddess

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Going through debt is inevitable, monkat, but in the end, you wouldn't have student loans if you didn't want a better future for yourself, right? In some ways or another, that means you're looking forward to something, something better, that should kill a lot of suicide contemplating.

From personal experience, you have to rely more on yourself than another person(your girlfriend). Yes, people can be fickle, which is why you should rely on yourself, as well. People always doubt how strong they really are emotionally, but unless you keep your head above the water, you'll sink. You have your girlfriend or your future to look towards, that alone should keep your head above the water(So try more happy thoughts).

I think you should think about what kind of person you want to be, by the sounds of it, you want to be a better person. I believe if your girlfriend is still with you, she likes who you are or at least a part of you, so I don't think she's going anywhere anytime soon. Maybe you should be talking to her about all of this to get her thoughts on the whole thing. Go for a walk and have some thinking time, that may help, as well.
 

Inunah

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Society's stupid as hell, which is why I opted out to living with my parents, no job or college or friends or relationships, and never leaving the house.

This way, I'm not fucking anything up or getting in debt. Or having to talk to people.
 

monkat

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Overlord Nadrian said:
Mon kat, réjouisse-toi!

(yeah yeah, lame French pun, but whatever)

Ah, French and puns - two of my greatest loves. Even if they are lame.

Anyway, thanks for the (unexpectedly long and thought-out) encouragement, twas nice.

Truthfully, though, words are words, as we all know, and I wasn't really looking for support - just to blow some things off my chest.

And to avoid quoting, @phoenix: while it is true that relying on one's own person is more reliable, self-reliance is the destruction of a society, and breeds unhappiness, being that (despite personal difference, often driven by anxiety or frustration) humans are incredibly social animals. It is the duty of all within a community to sustain it, else you are but a burden.

Also, guys, to clarify, my girlfriend's not breaking up with me, as far as I can tell - just me wallowing in self-pity.

And don't worry - I'm not going anywhere right now, I mean when I'm on an upswing, who the fuck am I? MONKAT THE SUPER AWESOME AND FUCKING SEXY, BITCHES!
 

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