Hey all. Just needing some support and people who will listen.

[DeadlyFoez]

My father took his own life on Thursday, March 28th.

I am very distraught. I am questioning life, the meaning, and the outcome.

As for anyone who has seen any of my previous posts, I have always questioned the meaning of life, and I have partially been semi-suicidal. I am in a lot of pain at this moment. I am rather lost without my father. Even with the bad times that I've had with him, I miss him and I am lost without his guidance.

My father had the answer for everything.

I am just hoping someone may have some words of comfort because I am rather upset and these feelings just won't go away.

Thank you.

 

[Comforter]

Oh man I am really sorry to hear that. You've been an incredible source of inspiration in the videogame scene, and I send my condolences and prayers to you and your family.

Having lost someone recently the advice I can try to offer is to stay strong and remember that your father is always there in spirit. Just know that he's no longer suffering and at peace. While the circumstances of his passing are tragic, he's always there in the heart and will always love you. If you have kids or family, be strong for them too and try to help them through the mourning as much as possible, because as a family you will grow closer having been through something tragic.

We're here for you DeadlyFoez!

 

[DeadlyFoez]

I have 2 little girls. 7 and 8 years old. They are both autistic.

I, myself, have been diagnosed with aspergers which explains many of my emotional problems in the past, but also plays a big part in my feelings now.

Broken.

 

[Maxternal]

I won't say I can imagine how you're feeling right now because that would be a lie.

You never know how much you're gonna miss ANYTHING or ANYONE until they're gone, especially when you feel you can't get them back.
It's interesting to me, and I'm sure it is to a lot of those here that you, the great deadlyfoez, would feel lost without the guidance of someone else, even a father. You were just one of those guys on the forum that always seemed to know the right answer for everything. A lot of people look up to you, even some of the noobs that were so clueless they made you loose your temper from time to time.

I guess I have it easy because aside from the fact that I've never had to go through anything NEARLY as hard as this, I'm one of those that you might say just "blindly" trusts in God that things will be okay and that everything has a purpose. I know you're not the religious type but trusting and then feeling the comforting response is ... well ... kinda all I can resort to sometimes
[/religious sidetracking]

Anyway, from whatever point of view you look at it, religious or not, time heals everything. With something like this, of course, you will NEVER be happy that he's gone, but old scars hurt far less than a recent, open wound. Don't go doing anything permanent to a problem like this. I'm not sure how many other people my be suffering from his absence as well but now more than ever THEY need YOU to help them through this. Don't abandon them either.

 

[DeadlyFoez]

I just want to see my dad again. I am so hurt and lost without him.

 

[Gahars]

I can't imagine what you're going through right now. I can only offer my deepest condolences.

Also:
http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

You're probably going through a lot of stress and grief at the moment. If you ever feel those urges again, don't forget that there's always someone to talk to. Always.

 

[Maxternal]

It sucks but pain is definitely the right response to this. If you were able to just shrug off the loss of someone that close to you THEN there's definitely something wrong with you.

Definitely don't run from the pain. That would be the most damaging ... from a psychological perspective anyway.

Along the same lines, if there is an afterlife from which your father can look back and see you, he may be saddened to see you suffering for him and that he can't do anything about it ... but he's definitely touched that you DO miss him so much.
It's times like this when you just wish death wasn't so permanent.




EDIT:
Your father may not have been right in taking his own life but I'm sure he THOUGHT it was the best for everyone else around him as well. He was wrong but he probably even THOUGHT he was doing you a favor. He wants you to stick around and live the fight that he had lost. Stick in there bro.

 

[DeadlyFoez]

I will never call the suicide prevention hotline again. Last time I called them I had police at my door at 2am.

I have my great friends Xflak and JoostinOnline that I can chat with, but I can't open up fully without them feeling concerned. Emotions display my pain too much.

Broken.

 

[Gahars]

I will never call the suicide prevention hotline again. Last time I called them I had police at my door at 2am.

Believe me, as bad as that may be, it is far, far, far better than the alternative.

 

[NightsOwl]

My father apparently passed on Feb. 22nd, and I just heard of it today. I was upset and confused, and wondering the same things you probably are.

All you need to do is sort through everything and try to figure out how you clearly feel about everything, and how your Dad might have felt.

I wasn't as close to my father as you to yours, it seems. Considering I only was in contact with him from ages 0-10, then a few months at 16 (I'm 19 now), and yet when I was told the news I was devastated.

On top of that, the condition he had that caused his death, I might have.

Yet suicide is the last thing on my mind. I think my father would have wanted me to live a happy life. With or without him. I think your father would want the same of you.

In my honest opinion, there's nothing good from killing yourself. And this is coming from the guy who thinks there's no real point to life. Just live life how you want to, and enjoy it while you still have it. That's all I have to say on the matter.

I'll hope the best for you. But that's all I can really say, and do.

 

[DeadlyFoez]

Believe me, as bad as that may be, it is far, far, far better than the alternative.

I'd rather internalize it than have the police show up at 2am and get my landlords upset again.

I do thank you for your recommendation. Unfortunately they take sounds of hurt and depression as a prelude to an act of suicide. I don't trust them anymore.

 

[riariases]

Actually, none of these apply to your problem, but like Gandalf said, courage can come from unlikely places. For me, physical activity solves all. When I'm breaking down, I hit the track and sprint until my heart is about to explode out of my chest, or the gym and go hard until I can barely move my body.

Put on music that catalyses your emotions, but not heavy metal or this new wave country. I couldn't explain it in one post, but the way your brain generally reacts to that sort of music is not good for this sort of situation. But once you've found the right muse, use that emotion and pour it into a productive struggle.

You'll need courage more than anything to get through this phase of your life. But you owe it to yourself and your daughters.

 

[DeadlyFoez]

I almost wish that the ones that I love would tell me that it is OK for me to go. Dealing with this pain is much too hard for me to comprehend.

 

[Maxternal]

Probably a stupid idea but if you need somewhere you can REALLY open up and there's no chance of somebody calling the cops on you the idea just occurred to me to find some site where you can start a completely anonymous blog (especially if you can find a site where no one can comment on it) and then just start spouting. (doesn't even need to be full sentences or really make sense to anyone else, as long as you just get it out there.)

I'm sure it would be awkward putting something like that up where literally the whole world can see it but at least it's anonymous and you seeing it all written out in your own words might help you process it better, help through a little bit of the lost and confused feelings ... but still, like I said, probably a stupid idea anyhow.

 

[EMP Knightmare]

Sry for your loss and if it helps I can call you and talk to you over the phone so you're not completely alone or if you're close by I'd help in person. Matters like this hit me too close to home as I've had many friends end their life before their own time.

 

[Sicklyboy]

I know we've talked about the matter already, Foez, and know that if you never need someone to talk to, maybe someone who is a little more emotionally detached from you than your better friends but a person who would still listen to every word you have to say, try to bring a few words of comfort and better judgement to the situation, I'm always around.

I'm not religious, but I do like to hold a somewhat positive, but also quite realistic outlook in life. I also am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. Your father did what he did for a reason; I don't know if he ever brought to (your) attention the fact that he was troubled by something, and that's something for you and whoever you choose to know. There's a reason YOU are still around following this tragedy. You've stayed strong this entire time, and that takes a lot out of a person. Emotions are going to manifest them somehow; people get depressed, they drink, they turn to drugs, they cry. If you need to do something, sometimes you need to do it, just make sure it's not something stupid, something you're going to regret down the line. As I can tell you realize, a single person is not the only one affected by their own actions. My point is that there's always some way to cope that isn't going to have a negative outcome.

A friend of mine lost his brother two or three months back to a drug overdose, after years of doing hard drugs. My friend has stayed strong this whole time, too. He's drank his sorrow away at times, he still dreams of his brother, and he misses him dearly. But he's staying strong. You need to as well. Grieving is human; you can be strong and grieve. You can be strong and cry. There's nothing shameful about a man crying who has lost a family member or a friend. Being strong stops the moment you make rash decisions. When you throw caution to the wind, doing things you shouldn't do, that is when you need to seek help. I don't want to see you go down that road, foez.

Your father had all the answers for you, as you must for your girls. Make sure they have that for as long as they possibly can, man. I don't know if you've broken the news to them yet, but when it happens, be there for them as they will be there for you. Kin is a beautiful thing, and even in the toughest of times you can see your family pull itself closer together than ever before. Life is temporary, but you have to make the most of it. We were all put here for a reason, and we've got to grin and bear it, and just push through it even when it looks like there's no end to the hardship. EVERYTHING gets better at some point.

Again, my deepest, most heartfelt condolences to you, your family, and your girls. You can make it through this. You've got plenty of people who care and who are here to help, and we are here whenever you need us.

(I'm sending you a quick message on FB too, if you're not on to see it.)

 

[riariases]

Suicide is cowardly. It's escapism. There has never been an incident where anybody could say "That person was brave for taking their own life out of their own will."

I don't care about your rationalizations or euphemisms that would justify abetting suicide. You're wrong. Your struggle is real, but your point of view is not. Become conscious of your life. Conscious of what can be changed, and what cannot be controlled. Now WATCH THIS.



It does apply to your situation. Your depression, aspergers, or mental illnesses don't need to be problems. Doctors and diagnoses are constantly wrong. You can change things, but that depends on how BADLY YOU WANT IT. How badly you want change. You want it, but you don't want it more than you wanna sleep tonight. More than you want to waste hours of your life on video games. More than you want to confine yourself to the comforts of luxury and avarice, instead of suffer for change.

Change your life.

 

[EMP Knightmare]

Even you contemplating suicide is embarrassing. I can't respect a coward. Goodnight.

There's always one who tries to make a sensitive situation worse, fucking assholes

 

[DeadlyFoez]

Suicide is cowardly. It's escapism. There has never been an incident where anybody could say "That person was brave for taking their own life out of their own will."

I don't care about your rationalizations or euphemisms that would justify abetting suicide. You're wrong. Your struggle is real, but your point of view is not. Become conscious of your life. Conscious of what can be changed, and what cannot be controlled. Now WATCH THIS.



It does apply to your situation. Your depression, aspergers, or mental illnesses don't need to be problems. Doctors and diagnoses are constantly wrong. You can change things, but that depends on how BADLY YOU WANT IT. How badly you want change. You want it, but you don't want it more than you wanna sleep tonight. More than you want to waste hours of your life on video games. More than you want to confine yourself to the comforts of luxury and avarice, instead of suffer for change.

Change your life.

I wish you could understand.

My father dealt with the IRS for 28 year hounding him and wanting to take everything from him.

It was only when my sister mentioned that my father sacrificed himself so the nightmare could end at him and not continue to us like it was going to happen otherwise. I do not expect everyone to understand this situation without all the details, but once my sister put it into perspective about how much my father loved us and cared about us and was willing to end the IRS dilemma through his death so we would not have to carry on through any longer the problems that was created 28 years ago. My father did a nobel thing, although I am sure it could have been adverted in other ways, he took the only way to care for his family as he understood as a last resort when his body was physically broken.

I don't care to hear any rebuttals from you since you do not understand the details.

 

[Deleted member 318366]

Sorry to hear about your father...you have my condolences.