I used to find joy in this world, when I was 19 I received my first major heart break. I always had motivation to figure things out, however, this lead me to have motivation to study logical thought processes of people. For example, if I had said do 16*25 in your head. Someone can do 4 * 25 * 4 = 100 * 4 = 400. Someone else can do 16 * 5 * 5 = 80 * 5 = 400. This lead me to believe we all think about things differently and react in different ways. I enjoyed arithmetic before I started elementary school. It carried through which is the majority of the reason why I choose a path of statistics. While to most of you, the idea of what Statistics is may be unknown, but to sum it up, it's a study of patterns. I always had strong will, after my first break up (which completely shattered me to pieces), I had rebuilt to a monster, a particularly very strong monster. I became a human lie detector. I can very quickly pick up patterns that people have and I see when they deviate away from it. Whether it's some type of movement, some type of action, volume and pitch of their voice, thought processes: all of these things are forced into my mind when I begin a conversation with someone. In the last 4 years, I have zoomed in and found a number of factors (an amazing number of factors) that asses someone's decision making. I know how to set up "perfect scenarios" to tackle those factors I know to make people happy/sad/whatever. However, I have lost the emotional side to myself. The only things I seem to carry an emotional connection to are things I have had when I was a kid. My 18 year old cat had to be put down, that was very emotional for me. I received full funding to get through the next 4-5 years for a Ph.D, I could put on a fake smile. My entire mindset has been overrun with logic. I just watched a video of an older man that was so happy he went into tears. Here I am, 23, and I feel that I can no longer find joy in this world. Have I gone off the deepend, can anyone relate? Note: I have never contemplated suicide, this is in no way depression or any of that form even if it sounds like it.