Justin Bieber's Balls: Worth $5,000 Each, Apparently

[Gahars]

Baby, baby, baby, no!

In what is nothing short of a Christmas miracle, police have arrested two men involved in a strange, strangely elaborate plot to castrate and murder Justin Bieber around the time of his appearance last month at Madison Square Garden. Bieber—whose Christmas wish list most definitely did not include being castrated and murdered by two mercenary ex-convicts—was the intended target of a bizarre scheme concocted by Dana Martin, a convicted murderer and rapist whose obsession with Bieber extends to having a tattoo of Bieber on his leg.

The A.V. Club

That's right. Martin teamed up with a fellow inmate, along with that inmate's nephew later on, to concoct the scheme. They planned four murders, two of which were supposed to be Justin Bieber and his bodyguard. Martin was set to pay his accomplices $2,500 apiece for each of Bieber's testicles. (Apparently they just didn't have the balls to ask for a higher fee).

*Insert easy "I didn't know Justin Bieber had any testicles!" joke here*

Fortunately (...?), Dana Martin had a change of heart, presumably after being visited by the Ghosts of Christmas Past, Present, and Future. He alerted the police to his own plan; evidently, even he realized it was nuts.

To be honest, as far as "insane fan murder conspiracies" go, I never could have guessed this... I suppose I should Never Say Never after all.

 

[nando]

everyone knows justin bieber fans are a bunch bunch of 12 year old girls and convicted rapists/murderers.

 

[Black-Ice]

Still worth less than that cardboard cut out of the wii u gamepad.
http://nintendoeverything.com/10684...-up-to-90000-on-ebay-before-being-taken-down/

 

[Hyro-Sama]

Can someone explain why Gahars isn't Mag Staff yet?

 

[Deleted_171835]

Castrate Bieber? It's not like he had anything to lose.



I know I know, I couldn't resist!

 

[Lemmy Koopa]

Since when did JB have balls in the first place?

 

[Engert]

Since when did JB have balls in the first place?

Oh no you didn't !

 

[AngryGeek416]

I hate Justin Bieber with a passion i think he is one of the few reasons all of todays mainstream generes suck ass. Now when someone asks me if i would of been happy with him dieing i answer like this. I love music always have always will, my love of music vastly trumps me liking Justin Bieber in anyway, Justin is killing music so basically my choice is Justin or music? See where im going here?

 

[FireGrey]

If he died he would of just became more popular.

 

[JoostinOnline]

I hate Justin Bieber with a passion i think he is one of the few reasons all of todays mainstream generes suck ass. Now when someone asks me if i would of been happy with him dieing i answer like this. I love music always have always will, my love of music vastly trumps me liking Justin Bieber in anyway, Justin is killing music so basically my choice is Justin or music? See where im going here?

So anyone you dislike should be murdered? Spoken like a true psychopath.

 

[nando]

If he died he would of just became more popular.

true. i was in high school when selena died and i thought i wasn't gonna survive it.

 

[AngryGeek416]

So anyone you dislike should be murdered? Spoken like a true psychopath.

Did i say i would murder him myself? no i said if someone else happened to kill justin i would not be upset. You on the other hand would probably be like BABY BABY BABYY NOOOOO

 

[FireGrey]

So anyone you dislike should be murdered? Spoken like a true psychopath.

You know, I don't like your attitude.


See what I did there?

 

[Sop]

So anyone you dislike should be murdered? Spoken like a true psychopath.

Also, mainstream GENRES don't suck (unless you're a hipsterfag), it's the mainstream MUSIC that sucks.

 

[Gahars]

I hate Justin Bieber with a passion i think he is one of the few reasons all of todays mainstream generes suck ass. Now when someone asks me if i would of been happy with him dieing i answer like this. I love music always have always will, my love of music vastly trumps me liking Justin Bieber in anyway, Justin is killing music so basically my choice is Justin or music? See where im going here?

If you love music so much, you should realize that Justin Bieber is just another pop-idol. They have always existed; they have their time in the spotlight, put out a few albums, make the girls swoon, and then slowly fade into obscurity as the next guy comes along and a new wave of tweens emerges. Lather, rinse, repeat. Remember the Jonas Brothers? Or Aaron Carter?

Do I like his music? There's not enough time in the world for me to type out the properly long "No" (I'd need at least 234 o's), but then again, it's not aimed at me. It's not like I'm forced to listen to his music, either; in fact, I can't honestly tell you the last time I've heard one of his songs. I'm managing to avoid it without even trying.

And it's not like these pop singers kill music. Is Justin Bieber travelling around the world, killing quality musicians with his bare hands? They're still working, still producing quality music. If anything, with the advent of the internet, it's never been better for these artists. Now they have opportunities to spread their work and achieve recognition like never before (and hey, all the money that Bieber makes goes straight to his record company, which can use the extra cash to promote new talent down the line).

Plus, mainstream music pretty much always sucks; the gems are (usually) found and celebrated in retrospect. Cracked is fond of this example, and I think it demonstrates the point perfectly: This was the number one hit in 1969. "Gimme Shelter" and "Fortunate Son", songs that are now seen as defining the 60s, were never even on the charts. It's not like Justin Bieber not existing would change this fact.

Gah. I'm sorry if this developed into a somewhat serious rant, but this always bugs me. I've taken stools more damaging to music than Justin Bieber.

 

[bradzx]

I don't think I am follow. It is he killed or still alive?

 

[JoostinOnline]

Did i say i would murder him myself? no i said if someone else happened to kill justin i would not be upset. You on the other hand would probably be like BABY BABY BABYY NOOOOO

I'm not a Justin Bieber fan (never even heard anything by him, but he does look like a tool), but on principle I think murder is wrong. So yes, I would be upset if he was murdered, because...it's murder.

 

[AngryGeek416]

I'm not a Justin Bieber fan (never even heard anything by him, but he does look like a tool), but on principle I think murder is wrong. So yes, I would be upset if he was murdered, because...it's murder.

You never heard a justin bieber song? thats the biggest lie i've ever heard, do you have a TV,Radio,Computer? do you live under a rock? I see your from america and you say you dont know justin bieber? even if uve never heard one of his songs you should no him from how much everyone else either hates or loves him. I dunno i find that suspicious.

 

[JoostinOnline]

You never heard a justin bieber song? thats the biggest lie i've ever heard, do you have a TV,Radio,Computer? do you live under a rock? I see your from america and you say you dont know justin bieber? even if uve never heard one of his songs you should no him from how much everyone else either hates or loves him. I dunno i find that suspicious.

I know of him of course (never said I didn't), and I think I heard him sing in a commercial one time (I think Ozzy was in it), but I don't remember what he sounded like. I own a computer, radio, and TV, but since I only listen to rock and not the latest pop stars (or w/e), it's really shouldn't be surprising.

 

[MelodieOctavia]

No need to kill him, he'll be killed through a combination of obscurity, depression, and a mix of drug addictions most likely.

He's just another flash in the pan pop star just like Aaron Carter, N*Sync, and Backstreet Boys.

Though who I really feel sorry for are those that have gotten Justin Bieber and One Direction tattoos. mmmm...tasty regret.