It was a cold day in the GRITTY DARK world of Sera. The war of the locusts (which has no relation to the War of the Roses) had come to a stalemate as the COLD DARK GRITTY winter came along. As they sat in their makeshift barracks, Marcus Fenix, a BROODY HARDCORE SOLDIER WITH A DARK MYSTERIOUS PAST and Dominic Santiago who LOST HIS WIFE AND IS NOT A LATIN POP STAR sat around and talked about GUY STUFF.
"HEY MARCUS MY WIFE WAS EVERYTHING ERRRRRRGGGGHHHH," Dom shouted as years of using chainsaws as bayonets has rendered his hearing impaired.
"DON'T WORRY MAN WE'LL CUT THOSE FUCKING SHIT LOCUSTS TO FUCKING PIECES ERRRRRRGGGGGHHH," Marcus shouted in a comforting tone, equally deaf from the years of blaring chainsaws and the bits of flesh lodged deep in his ear canal as a result of chainsawing locusts into pieces.
Just then, the sirens on the base rang out. There hadn't been action in weeks, and these two two-dimensional characters needed a plot point to draw attention away from their complete blandness.
Marcus and Dom scrambled to find their guns and squeeze their large muscular bodies into their equally large suits of armor. As they ran out of the base, they heard a horrifying scream. A scream that would send chills down anyone's spine except for Marcus and Dom because they're FUCKING HARDCORE. Soon, the gates bust open to the barrack's walls, and a LARGE FUCKING EVERGREEN PINE TREE STOMPED THROUGH.
Yeah, this shit had legs, arms, and an angry face. At the end of its large, wooden arms were two large Locust with woody hands shoved through their rectums. They served as mittens for the beast. This felt like an important detail to show the FUCKING TERRIFYING NATURE of a FUCKING EVERGREEN PINE TREE.
"FUCK YEAH SOME ACTION ERRRRGGGGGGHHHH," Marcus said, revving up his chainsaw bayonet.
"MY WIFE WAS EVERY ALL I KNOW NOW IS VIOLENCE AND I WILL USE THIS KNOWLEDGE OF VIOLENCE TO KILL THIS MONSTER ERRRRRGGGGGHHHH," Dom shouted passionately.
The tree stomped through the encampment, tossing soldiers and vehicles aside like a drunk toddler. Marcus and Dom ran into the front lines, taking cover behind chest-high sandbags.
"DOM WHY ARE WE BEHIND CHEST-HIGH SANDBAGS THIS THING DOESN'T EVEN HAVE A FUCKING GUN," Marcus shouted curiously.
"MARCUS DON'T DIVERT FROM THE TRAINING, STAY LOW," Dom answered.
In their haste, Marcus and Dom forget to grab their ammo too. Probably should have mentioned that.
"DOM, MAN THAT CONVENIENTLY PLACED LIGHT GUN!" Marcus barked. In fact he barked it so hard that a big of blood came up.
Dom ran across the frontlines as a menacing Locust-gloved hand swept at him. Dom slid behind a chest-high sandbag and dodged the attack. He then sprinted again towards the light gun, aiming it at the angry arboreal foe and squeezing the trigger.
"FUCKING THING ISN'T WORKING MARCUS," Dom informed his colleague.
In a snap of brilliance, Marcus found the solution. He ran over to the previously-not-mentioned coil of chain. This new chain was to be used for the boating industry before the war, and was detailed with differently colored lights to prevent boats from colliding with it while docking or undocking. Marcus, with his BRUTE MANLY STRENGTH, dragged the heavy coil of chains over to the light gun.
"USE THIS SHIT AND SHOW THAT TREE WHOSE BOSS," Marcus ordered. He shoved the chain into the gun, and Dom opened fire, letting loose a Silly String-like barrage of chains and lights. The tree reared upon impact, spinning madly as the chains raveled it from top to bottom.
Now incapacitated, Marcus and Dom revved up their chainsaw bayonets. The two plunged their blades deep into its wooden legs, as they both screamed in pleasure of the terrified screams of the tree. The tree fell on its bottom, still remaining upright, and still dangerous.
"HOW CAN WE GET UP THERE AND FINISH THE JOB MARCUS ERRRRGHHHHHH?" Dom questioned.
"CHOO CHOO MOTHERFUCKER HERE COMES THE MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN COLE TRAIN."
Augustus "Cole Train" Cole, the famed Blitzball player, runs out of fucking nowhere, sprinting towards the trees bottom at full speed. With one mighty strike, the mighty Cole Train derails the tree, sending it to the ground, now vulnerable to attack. Dom throws Cole a spare gun with a chainsaw bayonet, as the three revved up their chainsaws and went to finish the job.
As the chainsaws dug deep into the tree's face, visions of Dom's wife flashed before his eyes. All the tender moments that he had with her, all the anger and resentment he had with her death, rushed into Dom's mind. Soon, he found the chainsawing of the tree and its screams of agony to produce an unknown pleasure. He soon found his penis quite erect, and he screamed in orgasmic pleasure, shouting "MY WIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIFE" madly.
Marcus retained his blank look as he chainsawed the tree, gaining no sexual pleasure from the act.
The Cole Train thought of some slam poetry rap he could write about this incident during his off-duty hours.
The next day, the group woke up, having passed out behind a nearby chest-high sandbag due to exhaustion. As they peered over the sandbag, they saw a sight they never saw before. The tree they just killed was now bolted upright. The lighted chains glowed in a thoroughly incandescent manner. Corpses of dead Locust impaled with butcher's hooks, decorated with festive hats, hung from its branches. On top of it, a giant flaming torch, as bright and powerful as the sun itself.
"WHAT IS THIS?" Marcus questioned from a nearby soldier lackey.
"Sir, please don't yell so loudly, I just got off a 12 hour shift. But with your help, this tree can now be used for Sera Solstice. Perhaps the mythical Nikolai Cumberbund will leave gifts under the tree," the lackey responded.
Out of nowhere (again), Adam Fenix, Marcus's father, ran towards him, brimming with excitement.
"Marcus! Marcus! You've done it! When you killed this tree, it seems to have secreted a toxin that kills Locust but is completely harmless to us humans! I've been able to use this to generate a biological weapon which we've deployed against the Locust while you were asleep. Guess what? They're all dead! We won the war!"
"FATHER YOU ARE MY FATHER AND I WILL LOVE YOU FATHER. THIS IS TRULY A SERA SOLSTICE MIRACLE!" Marcus shouted, with tears running down his metaphorical face as years of battle had left Marcus too HARDCORE to cry.
Marcus, Dom, Cole, and Adam stared into the sky as the snow fell. They all picked up their loaded rifles and shot madly into the air, screaming like a pack of hyenas, as a dramatic bird's eye zoomout and fade to black led to the credits.
THE END.
