"You are mistaken. Your phone did not "become" slow after the update. Your phone has always been this slow. You just don't remember it being that slow because it was so much faster than the previous models when it came out. But in comparison to our newest model it is understandably slow. It is time to consider upgrading. We have always been at war with Eastasia."
*gets found out*
"We only did this to protect you."
Yeah...as much as the switch away from fossil fuels is needed, I fear that this is the sort of shenanigans we'll encounter in the future:
Tech: apple iCar support, how may I help you?
User: hi...I'm calling because for some reason my iCar won't go as fast as it used to.
Tech: and which revision of the iCar are we talking about?
User: the "alot" model, first generation. And yes, I've updated its firmware and restarted it, so that's not the issue.
Tech: ah, I see. That's a common misconception. Sir: your car is just as fast as it used to. But with all the newer models coming out, it only seems slower in comparison.
User: erm...no? I used to be able to run 80 miles per hour easily, but now I only manage to get 75-77 at the most.
Tech: but it still drives correctly, doesn't it? It's all fine.
User: you as well? What is it with you techs? look...I'm calling to get this speed limitation fixed. It's an issue. It wasn't prevalent earlier. It is now. It shouldn't be doing that. Can you make sure that this doesn't happen again?
Tech: sure thing. I've got it noted. Just send it in to our unknown location, and you'll get it back after an unknown period of time.
User: o...what? okay. Thanks. This is already more service than I anticipated after four hours.
<insert some time inbetween>
Tech: apple iCar support, how may I help you?
User: erm, yeah...this is a weird problem. I got back my car after a long and costly repair, but the problem is still there. In fact, it's worse.
<insert looking up tech details>
Tech: I don't see what's wrong, sir. We applied the fix you requested. Doesn't it show you driving at 80 miles per hour?
User: well...yes and no. Now when I'm driving at top speed, the iCar claims I'm doing 80, but my gps (as well as tests with other cars) show that I'm actually doing between 72 and 74.
Tech: okay.
User: ...
Tech: ...
User: ...what do you mean "okay"? I wanted my iCar to go faster, not commit fraud with the speed display!
Tech: I'm afraid that won't be possible, sir. The problem is with the battery deteriorating. As it's used more, it can charge less power and becomes less stable. In order to maintain system stability and the safety of our users, we slowly drop the actual top speed of our models until it reaches about 5 miles per hour.
User: What??!!!
Tech: I understand that's not very fast, but your safety is very important to us.
User: can't you just replace the battery?
Tech: we can, but between you and me, it's cheaper to just get a new iCar.
User: what? but...how does that even make sense?
Tech: we're phasing out our first generation alot models, sir. The newer models have their battery safety stickers angled differently, making the battery required for your car extremely hard to come by.
User: but I barely used that car! How did it even deteriorate in the first place?
Tech: perhaps you didn't use your car to
drive, sir, but all the firmware upgrades added enough tracking features to take full use of the battery, even if it was just standing parked motionless for the night.