Have to create a poem for English class

[KingdomBlade]

So, I need to create a poem about respect. Something about respect. Now, I don't want to go with the generic "we should respect each other" type of thing, so I decided to create a story. Just wanted your opinions.


There was once a bird that could not fly
And all he dreamed about was going high into the sky
Everyone else laughed and teased him
And for him, the future seemed dim

He had no friend in the world
He was all alone, the little bird
Trying and trying and never winning
All his life, he had no meaning

A large bird swooped from the sky
And said “hey there little guy
Just try and you will fly
And you can go high, don’t cry”

The little bird spread its wings
And to the sky its body flings
With the respect of the someone else in the sky
Anyone can fly high

Comments? Suggestions?

 

[Twiffles]

Maybe it's just me, I don't know, but it kinda seems like that "respect of the someone" was just thrown in there so it'll fit the theme. Perhaps it may just be how sudden the transitions were from "I Believe I can Fly", to down and out, and then to suddenly he can fly.

Maybe add in another stanza before the end? And uhhh, try to balance out the syllable count between lines, if you can.
But overall it's already good so far! Just needs a tiny bit more tweaking, that's all.

 

[8BitWalugi]

Not too bad. Better than most of what I've heard.

 

[yuyuyup]

It's a really bad poem and the rhyming is inconsistent

 

[Hells Malice]

I have no criticisms. I'm pretty good with English related subjects, except poetry...because poetry is like English's mentally unstable brother whom I try to ignore as much as possible.

But I have this to say: Poetry sucks.

 

[Shinigami357]

I have no criticisms. I'm pretty good with English related subjects, except poetry...because poetry is like English's mentally unstable brother whom I try to ignore as much as possible.

But I have this to say: Poetry sucks.

As something of a poet, let me say this hurts. Poetry is an art form, y'know?

 

[KingdomBlade]

Er, actually, I drastically revised it at last minute since I found out it had to be about Christmas. Surprisingly, my teacher liked it.

 

[kyrael]

rimes are good... but to a poem also the tact is important.
and your poem lacks tact.