I am about to have a child next week. So I was thinking about my life and what I have seen around me. I use to think I was successful. I graduated college, I got married, I bought a house I could afford with 20% down, I have a stable job where I continuously work hard and get promoted. All the things that I thought was the way to succeed in America. But in the last couple of years, I realized I did it all wrong in the good old US of A. So here is what I plan to teach my child off of the wonderful things I have learned here. Maybe he'll be filthy rich. If he wants to be an athlete: - Do Steroids, they will make you filthy rich. But never tell any one you did them. Once they find out, apologize. But your still filthy rich. - Don't do weed. Even if you win 12 gold medals for your country, weed is considered the worst thing ever, and your face would be plastered every where and you will lose money. On the flip side, maybe your marijuana use makes you realize that you actually want to be some creative. Maybe a singer? If you want to be a musician or some one creative - Pay attention to what is on the radio now, and create the same exact sound. Don't do anything differently. Creativety is not about being different. It is about saying your different and being exactly the same. - Make sure to never take voice lessons. You can use that money to buy a sound machine to fix your voice. - Make a sex tape. Let everyone see it, you'll be the most famous person ever. They will pay you to show up to events. - Pretend like you have a political opinion, even if you have no idea what the hell your talking about. Everyone wants to know what a star flying around in a private jet thinks about how bad global warming is. Then maybe you can become a politician. I mean Ronald Reagan, Sunny Bono, Jessy the Body Ventura, Clint Eastwood and Arnold Schwarzenegger were good enough to lead either our country or our states, why can't you. If he is thinking of becoming a politician - Learn how communism works. All the money from the US is going to support a communist China, and now our government owns our banks. So read a Karl Marx book. - If you see things messed up, promise "Change". Don't let anyone know what you mean. When they put all your faith in you, crush their faith. Screw them, your a powerful person now and rich! - If there is anyone to blame for your mistake, blame them. I mean, if the Republicans point fingers at the Democrats, while the Democrats are pointing fingers at the Republicans, then who knows who's to blame. It's ok, no one is to blame. - Take as much money from corporations as possible. Then do things that are in the special interest of those corporations. You'll have a great job with them when you decide that politics is not for you. If the corporations that you helped are about to go out of business, and your about to lose your job as a politician, give the corporations a "Stimulous Plan", but don't tell them how to spend their money. (Find out why below). If he is highly motivated to be a corporate leader: - Become a CEO of a company, by showing cost cutting measure. By this, I mean outsource all American jobs to countries like India. Pay those employees 50% of what an American would get paid. Take the money your investing, and invest it in the company you outsource to. It's a 2 for 1. You save money for the company you work for, and you make money for yourself by investing the money in the company you outsourced to. - If the company you are running goes into financial difficulties because the outsourced company doesn't do a good job. Ask the government for a hand out to help revive your business. When you get the hand out, lay off 50% of your work force, give yourself a huge bonus and hire your really rich CEO friends and give them huge bonuses and salaries. (This is why as a politician you didn't want to stipulate where the money goes) - When that money goes away, ask for more. If the government refuses, then wait to get fired, you'll get a great parachute to leave. If he wants to be like everyone else - Be financially irresponsible, it'll pay off. If you think you can't afford it, buy it anyway, I am sure the government will bail you out. - Have as many kids as possible, then sell your story to the TV stations. They'll eat it up, and you'll be rich. - Make sure to be on disability, the government gives you great things on disability. - Play dumb. How are you to know you can't afford a $700,000 mortgage only making $35,000 a year? In the end, you can live in that $700,000 house because you can remortgage it at a price you can afford. - Don't pay back your debts. If everyone is in debt together, then no one has to pay it. Maybe the people who graduated college, got married, bought a house they could afford with 20% down, have a stable jobs where they continuously work hard and get promoted can pay off everyones debts through their taxes. Good luck boy, I think I have prepared you for success!