essay opening idea or any ideas at all (college essay)

Discussion in 'General Off-Topic Chat' started by placebooooo, Oct 23, 2013.

  1. placebooooo
    OP

    placebooooo GBAtemp Advanced Fan

    Member
    728
    97
    Aug 9, 2013
    United States
    Philadelphia
    hey guys. i am currently starting on my college essay and i am writing about how moving to another country greatly changed my life, but cant think of a good opener that would grab the attention of my reader. Any ideas?
     
  2. PityOnU

    PityOnU GBAtemp Advanced Fan

    Member
    908
    327
    Jul 5, 2012
    United States
    Americaaaaaa, fuck yeah!!!!

    That'll hook 'em.
     
  3. Sicklyboy

    Sicklyboy Resident Mechanical Keyboard Addict

    Global Moderator
    5,724
    4,699
    Jul 15, 2009
    United States
    [̲̅$̲̅(̲̅ ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°̲̅)̲̅$̲̅]
    "Many people talk and dream of wanting to start a new life, with all of their prior experiences behind them and their past knowledge with them, but they are often held back, tied to their current presence by many a circumstance. Some, however, are able to cut their ties, knowing that the road ahead of them holds a greater life than they could have ever imagined. Though I may still miss my past and my home, the road ahead does indeed hold a better life, amazing opportunities, and greater experiences than I had ever dreamed."
     
  4. trumpet-205

    trumpet-205 Embrace the darkness within

    Member
    4,363
    542
    Jan 14, 2009
    United States
    Leave introduction to the last. It is always easy to start writing in the middle.
     
    tatripp likes this.
  5. Tom Bombadildo

    Tom Bombadildo Honk!

    pip Contributor
    GBAtemp Patron
    Tom Bombadildo is a Patron of GBAtemp and is helping us stay independent!

    Our Patreon
    10,797
    10,913
    Jul 11, 2009
    United States
    I forgot
    Awww man this so hard. Had an English teach in my senior year of high school who recommended this, as I can never come up with a good introduction. This helps a lot, so definitely try this.
     
  6. calmwaters

    calmwaters Cat's best friend

    Member
    1,718
    375
    May 27, 2013
    United States
    happy land
    I never knew what I was missing until I moved to [insert country name here]. I cannot wait to experience the things that make this country so exciting and unique.

    Edit: Or you could try writing an outline that details what you want to talk about in your paper. It might be easier to come up with an opening paragraph since you'll be using that to explain what the rest of your paper is about.
    ^^Boring. The sentences are really long; there are a lot of fancy words, more than would be needed. I got tired in the middle of the second sentence.
     
  7. placebooooo
    OP

    placebooooo GBAtemp Advanced Fan

    Member
    728
    97
    Aug 9, 2013
    United States
    Philadelphia
    so this is my intro, any thoughts?

    “Change in all things is sweet.” To me, the concept “change” was the most difficult to understand. The concept “change” was never in my grasp until the most dramatic turning point in my life, the time I moved to my home country, Palestine. Palestine is what shaped who I am today, opening new beginnings, affecting my personal growth, and improving myself awareness. I believed change was for the worse, but in the end, change was for the best.
     
  8. Gahars

    Gahars Bakayaro Banzai

    Member
    10,254
    17,404
    Aug 5, 2011
    United States
    New Jersey
    You didn't happen to go to Sa'ir, did you?

    Warning: Spoilers inside!
    /The spin off we'll never, ever get to see

    In all seriousness, I think this needs some work. The opening quote is just kind of there, and doesn't really say much (also, you forgot to provide a source of any kind). The setup is also a little too obvious; you don't want to spell out exactly what your paper is about or else the reader is going to get bored.

    This isn't really bad or anything, but it's just kind of generic, and for a college essay, that's the last thing you want. You need an intro that grabs the reader's attention and keeps it in place for the rest of your paper. Maybe start by retelling an event where you first encountered a major difference between life in Philadelphia and life in Palestine ("When I turned on the radio, I was stunned to hear impassioned Arabic pour through the speakers. I changed the station, but it was all the same. Nowhere could I find the fresh beats of DJ Jazzy Jeff, the slamming jams of the Quad City DJ's, or even funky bunches of Marky Mark. That's when it hit me: I wasn't in Philadelphia anymore."). That might be more effective.
     
    soulx, calmwaters and air2004 like this.
  9. air2004

    air2004 Air

    Member
    1,624
    460
    Oct 24, 2008
    United States
    Anytown
    I live near philly lol....anyway how about this for a headline 365 days in Palestine ( or however long you spent there ) or this
    My time in Palestine
     
  10. tatripp

    tatripp GBAtemp Fan

    Member
    380
    141
    Mar 15, 2009
    United States

    I have a college degree in English literature and I think it is a decent start. The quote in the beginning needs to be modified. Are you quoting someone? If not, you should probably remove the quotes. More important than hooking your reader is following the assignment so make that your number one priority. I find that I have to rewrite my introduction often because it is much easier after the rest of the paper was written. Once I have my thesis statement, I can kind of work out the rest most of the time. Anyways, good luck.
     
  11. placebooooo
    OP

    placebooooo GBAtemp Advanced Fan

    Member
    728
    97
    Aug 9, 2013
    United States
    Philadelphia
    Thanks guys. I have my full essay done, but obviously it needs some changes. I appreciate the advice and if anyone has any more advice to chip in, you're welcome anytime. And Gahars, your intro suggestion is actually great, but where wold i put this. I was thinking of putting something similar to what you said in the very beginning, omitting the quote in the beginning, and then after what you said begin with "to me the concept....." what do you think? I have my whole essay done, but im not sure if its a good idea to post it here because i dont want it to get i dont know, stolen? :/
     
  12. Gahars

    Gahars Bakayaro Banzai

    Member
    10,254
    17,404
    Aug 5, 2011
    United States
    New Jersey

    I'd suggest making that the very beginning, definitely. I'll continue with my example to show how I think it could be continued...

    "When I turned on the radio, I was stunned to hear impassioned Arabic pour through the speakers. I changed the station, but it was all the same. Nowhere could I find the fresh beats of DJ Jazzy Jeff, the slamming jams of the Quad City DJ's, or even funky bunches of Marky Mark. That's when it hit me: I wasn't in Philadelphia anymore. Palestine was a far cry from the place I had called my home for so many years; I was a stranger in a strange land. I was a nervous, frightened, and, most of all, homesick. However, I soon realized that this wasn't a prison sentence, it was an opportunity, a chance to broaden my horizons and experience the world in a brand new way. Palestine molded me into the man I am today. English, Arabic, Philadelphia, Palestine, no matter the language or location, I learned that we can all get jiggy with it."

    Don't use that exactly, of course, but that sort of introduction could serve your paper well. It spin a little narrative that gets the reader interested, and you can use the rest of your body expanding on that.

    As for your essay, I don't think you have to worry about people stealing a personal college essay. If you are still concerned about privacy/security, you could always send the paper to someone over PM (if you trust them, that is). Beyond that, maybe ask an English teacher or a counselor to read over your advice; they've probably seen tons of papers already, so they'll know what to look for.
     
  13. placebooooo
    OP

    placebooooo GBAtemp Advanced Fan

    Member
    728
    97
    Aug 9, 2013
    United States
    Philadelphia
    I will definitely use some of what you wrote in my essay. I will have to modify parts of it to fit with the rest of my body and conclusion. And my teacher is currently looking over my first unmodified essay. And after getting her feedback, ill remodel. I appreciate the help :)
     
    Gahars likes this.