A look in the Life

Discussion in 'GBAtemp Art Studio' started by Holified 2x, Jun 10, 2011.

Jun 10, 2011

A look in the Life by Holified 2x at 5:04 AM (533 Views / 0 Likes) 5 replies

  1. Holified 2x
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    Member Holified 2x GBAtemp Fan

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    This a poem of my life so far. Feed back needed so i can improve`it thx. . . [​IMG]


    A look in the life

    When I was young I was like an explorer in a new land.
    Searching learning and understanding.
    People said I was quiet and timid but I was just observing my surroundings.
    At this time I didn’t know what I wanted to be.
    Unlike other kids being an astronauts or police officer wasn’t my dream.
    I grew up in a crime filled neighborhood a place where it wasn’t smart to explore around.
    The crime on the streets there was more frequent than in jail.

    As year passed I became more outspoken.
    Elementary thru Middle school I changed.
    I became more joyful playful.
    Like a Cub chasing effortlessly after a ball.
    During this time I discovered new things about me.
    I had a talent in drawing and had an increasing interest in sports.
    It was sort of like a bird learning to fly how I extended my abilities.

    When I look forward I can see myself as a doctor or a lawyer.
    Springing out of the hood to become successful.
    To me my adventure is not over.
    Exploring searching learning.
    To better myself and people around me.
    It’s like a race to success an obstacles ahead are weights on my feet.
    Only thing to do is to keep my head up high.
    And continue on the path to success.

    Furthermore life is like a ticking time bomb.
    And I’m the chief of the bomb squad.
    People who help you along the way are part of your squad.
    Search, learn, and understand.
    Three strong words you can base you life on.

    Fin ……
     
  2. Sterling

    Member Sterling GBAtemp's Silver Hero

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    I'm no poetry expert, but I like it. I will say though, that it's kinda choppy. It doesn't flow. See if you can rhyme in couplets.

    Trees growing, buds flowering -1
    Riches of nature tip the balance -2
    Eccentrics of Winter Disappearing -1
    Eloquences of Spring return for vengeance -2

    First and third lines rhyme, and the second and fourth lines rhyme as well. There are many ways to make a poem flow, rhyming is one of them.
     
  3. Holified 2x
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    Member Holified 2x GBAtemp Fan

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    Thanks for the feedback but rhyming isn't wanna of my strengths [​IMG]
     
  4. injected11

    Member injected11 Crescent Fresh™

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    Doesn't flow well, very bland, little-to-no imagery, lacks tons of punctuation. Didn't feel like a poem at all.
     
  5. KingdomBlade

    Member KingdomBlade Blade v3+ (I R SHMEXY)

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    Flow is very bad.

    It's not interesting or engaging.

    I don't think you've lived long enough for you to make something interesting out of it.
     
  6. Holified 2x
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    Member Holified 2x GBAtemp Fan

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    Thx everyone I get working on it right away..
     

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