The Tell-A-Joke Thread

[VinsCool]

At the pool, a swimmer gets kicked out because he peed in the water.

- But, but, you're exaggerating, I'm not the only one doing this!

- Yes, sir, from the top of the diving board, you are the only one!

 

[AmandaRose]

President Trump was out walking on a beautiful snowy day, when he saw that somebody had urinated on the White House lawn to spell out "The President Sucks."

Infuriated, he called on the secret service to figure out who had done it. In a few hours, they came to him and told him that there was some bad news and some worse news.

"The bad news is that the urine is from the Vice President."

"Mike? How could you do this to me? What could be worse than this?"

"The handwriting's the first lady's."

 

[IncredulousP]

he saw that somebody had urinated on the White House lawn to spell out

Lol nice double joke, we all know he can't read.

 

[Veho]

 

[IncredulousP]

Stealing this one I saw on Discord.

Man: "Excuse me, do you have any books on turtles?"
Librarian: "Hard back?"
Man: "Yeah with little green heads."

 

[Alexander1970]

A Rabbit sits crying in the Meadow.

A Deer comes by:
"Why are you crying?"

Rabbit answers:
"The Bear asked if I was shedding, and then I said no and then he used me as Toilet Paper! "

The next Day the Rabbit sits laughing on the Meadow.

The Deer comes over again:
" Why are you laughing? "

Rabbit smiles:
"Today the Bear asked the Hedgehog!"

 

[The Catboy]

Wanna hear a joke? Humans

 

[Alexander1970]

How many Animals does a Woman need ?

FOUR


A Mink in the Closet.

A Stallion for the Bed.

A Jaguar in front of the Door.

And an old Donkey that pays for everything....

 

[VinsCool]

A man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and said:
- I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?
The woman looked puzzled.
- Why talk to me? she asked.
- Because every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours, my wife appears out of nowhere!

 

[Veho]

 

[Alexander1970]

"Why do Elephants have Red Eyes ?"

"I do not know."

"So that they can better hide in the Cherry Tree."

"But I've never seen an Elephant in a Cherry Tree."

"You can see how well they can hide..."

 

[IncredulousP]

Whew, I have to say I thought this was headed elsewhere.

 

[Alexander1970]

The Mouse says to the Elephant: "Elephant,please come out of the Water."

The Elephant says: "No,I am swimming so beautifully now."

Mouse: "Elephant,please !!! "

Is getting too stupid for the Elephant and he comes out of the Water.

The Mouse looks up briefly and says:
"Good, you can go back in.
I just wanted to see if you were wearing my Swimming Trunks...."

 

[Deleted User]

A guy goes to his Doctor and says
"Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home."

The Doctor replies "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."

The man asks is it common?

Doctor says "It's Not Unusual."

 

[Deleted User]

My old aunts would come and tease me at weddings, “Well Sarah? Do you think you’ll be next?”


We’ve settled this quickly once I’ve started doing the same to them at funerals.

 

[Alexander1970]

How do you get an Elephant in the fridge ? Open the door, elephant in, door closed.
How do you get a Giraffe in the fridge? Door open, elephant out, giraffe in, door closed.
How do you know that an Elephant was in the fridge? Footsteps in the butter.
How can you tell that two Elephants were in the fridge? Two different footsteps in the butter.
How can you tell that three Elephants were in the fridge? The door is not closing properly.
How can you tell that four Elephants were in the fridge? A mini is parked in front of it.
How do you know that a Giraffe is in the fridge? The elephant sitting in front of it.

 

[Deleted member 397813]

How do you start a rave in Ethiopia?

Staple a piece of meat onto the ceiling.

 

[Veho]

How can you tell that four Elephants are in the fridge? A mini is parked in front of it.

This needs that other joke first:

How do you fit four elephants into a Mini?
Two in the front seat, two in the back seat.

 

[Alexander1970]

This needs that other joke first:

How do you fit four elephants into a Mini?
Two in the front seat, two in the back seat.

Of Course,you are right.
It is a little "gone under" because of the Fridge "Line"..

--------------------- MERGED ---------------------------

An Elephant crumbles an Anthill as it passes.
The Ants swear Vengeance and raise an Army of 10,000 Ants.
They pounce on the Elephant and want to throw it on the Ground.
The Elephant only shakes and 9,999 fall again.
An Ant looks up and sees: "Charly is still up !!!".
Then all the Ants in the Choir cry: “Choke him,Charly ! Choke him ! "

 

[Deleted User]

Why did the teacher shout at the Asian but not at me?

Because I’m White and he’s Wong.