The Tell-A-Joke Thread

[JuanMena]

Theres a father, and his old daughter comes crying to him.
The father asks: Why are you crying darling?
And the daughter says: I'm crying because my husband hits me.
And the father gets angry... and grabs a ball, and throws it to the girl. And the girl: Awww! No! Stop!
And the father gets angry... and grabs a bike, and throws it to the girl. No! Stop it!
And the father gets angry... and grabs a car, and throws it to the girl. Ay! No!
And the father gets angry... and grabs a train, and an airplane, and toss them to the girl. And once he's thrown everything from the toy-store to the girl, the girl says: Why are you hitting me?
And the father, angry says: If that son of a b hits my daughter, I'm going to hit his wife!

 

[JuanMena]

The circus comes to the city!
And the main show is a show with midgets.
This tiny midgets, this size, gives their show and it's a fricking success!
In order to celebrate, the midgets that are this tiny, goes to a bar to get drunk and what not.
Couple hours later, the midgets, this tiny, are already dispersed all over the bar.

A drunk guy enters the bar, looks at the mess, and says...

Who... who the... who the fuck disassembled the foosball table?

 

[JuanMena]

So there's a jewish guy, and he get's his son to the jewish school.
The son, gets bad grades... and the father tells him: The next time you get bad grades, I'll get you in a catholic school!
The son, gets bad grades again... and the father does what he said he'll do, so the son gets to the catholic school.

The following grades are way better than before, and the father says: Hey now, this is much better. What happened?
And the son says:

Uff, no daddy, in front of us, there's a jewish guy nailed by the hands and the feet... and now I know that this school is not messing around with us!

 

[Alexander1970]

The Scottish Soccer Team won a Game.
(No,that was NOT the Joke....)

The Coach comes into the Cabin and says:
"Guys,you were great.You really deserve a Refreshment.
......
John,open the Window ! "

 

[VinsCool]

The Scottish Soccer Team won a Game.
(No,that was NOT the Joke....)

The Coach comes into the Cabin and says:
"Guys,you were great.You really deserve a Refreshment.
......
John,open the Window ! "

Lemme guess, they played baby foot? XD

 

[AmandaRose]

A Portuguese, Spaniard, Dane, Finn, Swede, German, French, Italian, Belgian, Austrian, Czech, Polish, Russian, Afgani, Serbian, Brit, Irish, Scot, Sardinian, Corsican, Icelander, Belarian, Romanian, Yugoslavian, Hungarian, Ukrainian, Bulgarian, Turk, Morrocan, Algerian, Liberian, Sudanese, S. African, Zambian, Ethiopian, Bosnian, Nigerian, Angolan, Botswanian, Tanzanian, Saudi Arabian, Kuwaiti, Iranian, Iraqi, Pakistanian, Mongolian, Indian, Burman, Chinese, Cambodian, Laotian, Somalian, Yemen, Syrian, Israeli, Armenian, Philipino, Javan, Australian, Sri Lankan, Malaysian, Georgian, Taiwanese, Japanese, Vietnamese, Puerto Rican, Dominican Republican, Aruban, Jamacian, Cuban, Haitian, El Salvadorian, Guatamalan, Nicaraguan, Costa Rican, Panamanian, American, Canadian, Mexican, Argentinian, Bolivian, Peruvian, Columbian, Brazilian, Ecuadorian and a Venezuelan walk into a bar.



The bartender looks up and says, "Sorry. I cannot serve you without a Thai."

 

[slaphappygamer]

@AmandaRose walks into a bar, wait no, she drunk and fell asleep in the van.

 

[Alexander1970]

Ms.McDonald comes excitedly to her Husband in the Kitchen.
"Imagine our Daughter sitting on young McGregor's Lap in the Living Room,and he turned off the Light too!"
"I like the boy,"growls Mr.McDonald, "saves Light and uses only one Chair!"

 

[AmandaRose]

I was at a cash machine when an old lady walked up and asked me to help her check her balance.
So I pushed her over.

 

[Veho]

 

[AmandaRose]

I saw an advert in the newspaper that said: “Television for sale, £1, volume stuck on full.”

I thought, “I can’t turn that down.”

 

[Alexander1970]

A Scotsman gets into a severe storm with his wife on a sailing trip.
The sailboat hits full and sinks.
The man is saved, but there is no trace of the woman.
After a month, the man received a telegram from the police:
"Woman covered with mussels and oysters found floating in the sea - stop - what should we do - stop"

Thereupon the Scotsman wrote back: "Sell mussels and oysters - stop - new lay out the bait
- stop"

#######################################################################

@AmandaRose this One is for you.

"How was it in Scotland?" the father asks his daughter, who has returned from vacation.
"Do the Scots really have bagpipes?"
"Not really, Daddy. The Scots I met had a perfectly normal one."

 

[Veho]

 

[Alexander1970]

What does a German do when he finds a Fly in his Glass of Whiskey?
He takes her out and continues to drink !

And what does a Frenchman do ?
He immediately orders a new Glass !

And a Scotsman?
He fishes the Fly out,holds it up and
screams with rage: "Spit out the Whiskey !"

 

[R4Liam]

What is the most common Owl in the world?

The tea towel

 

[AmandaRose]

Since the snow has come all my boyfriend has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse I'm gonna have to let him back in the house.

 

[Alexander1970]

Last Sentence of the Letter from a scotish Father to his Son:
"Wanted to send you some more Money.....
But the Letter was already sealed. "

 

[AmandaRose]

Well seen as how my Austrian friend keeps making jokes about the Scottish being skinflints with their money I might as well join in.


A Scottish man and his wife are out for a walk. They pass by a new restaurant that has just opened and the wife turns to her husband and says mmm the food in there smells so delicious.

The Scottish man thinks to himself how much he loves his wife and he decides to give her a special treat.

So he lets her walk by the restaurant again

 

[Alexander1970]

Well seen as how my Austrian friend keeps making jokes about the Scottish being skinflints with their money I might as well join in.


A Scottish man and his wife are out for a walk. They pass by a new restaurant that has just opened and the wife turns to her husband and says mmm the food in there smells so delicious.

The Scottish man thinks to himself how much he loves his wife and he decides to give her a special treat.

So he lets her walk by the restaurant again

If you find good "Burgenländer" Jokes,please feel free.
But I fear nobody really understands it....

For Example:

Why have the Burgenländer the Windshield Wipers inside the Car ?

Because they driving like this:

"Brrrrrrummmm Bruummmmmmm Pfffrrrrrrrrrrrmmmmm"
(Imagine they do it it with the Tongue so they have a lot of Spittle inside the Car´s Front Window.....)

 

[slimbizzy]

* walks into room *

ballsack.

* walks out of room *