Names may have been changed to protect those who are presumed to be innocent.
Thank you all for returning to read the ongoing series of stories about my best friend which I call "Perry Tales"
For anyone who is unfamiliar with the series, please have a look at the previous offerings before reading this one.
"The bullshit my friend tells people to fuck with them"
"How to keep small-town police from fucking with you"
"To know the man is to know his father....and vice versa"
In this week's episode, we meet Perry's nephew. Let's call him Jaybird (since everybody else does).
Jaybird is currently nine years old, and has a highly active imagination. His mother has never been a major factor in his life, and his main teachers have been Perry, Tony, and in the past year or so: me.
This week Jaybird was riding with Perry in the previously mentioned Ford Explorer (with it's huge tires and modified gear ratio)
when lo and behold (act surprised here) a small town police officer wheeled around to get behind them, flashing his lights and flipping his siren on and off to signal them to pull over.
Perry takes this all in stride, but Jaybird is just brimming with excitement;
"What does he want, why are they pulling you over, what's gonna happen, uncle?" The questions are just pouring out of Jaybird's head as though a dam had broken inside his skull.
So Perry calms him down as best he can. (an exercise in futility)
He tells Jaybird that he'll take care of everything, and then tells Jay to be quiet while he talks to the police officer.
But the words "Be quiet" aren't exactly the highest in Jaybird's vocabulary.
Perry recognizes the officer as one who has pulled him (and me) over in the past. so as a joke he winks at Jaybird and waits for the young guy to walk up beside the vehicle.
While the officer is busy looking into the back windows of the vehicle he (once again) throws his arms out the window and yells "DON'T SHOOT! DON'T SHOOT! DON'T SHOOT!".
It's enough to spook the small-town cop into jumping back and grabbing his gun.
But after hearing the voice, and seeing that there is no threat the officer approaches, instantly recognizing Perry by his red hair and jocular demeanor.
"You're the guy that drives that suped-up green Mustang, right?"
Perry confirms that he's correct, and explains that he's driving his father's truck that day, and introduces the oficer to our little nine year old friend.
Jaybird exclaims (as he so often does) " Why are you giving us trouble!? We're just out here trying to make a dollar THE HONEST WAY!" (his blond hair and blue eyes just exude the attitude that he's gotten quite honestly.)
At this point the cop is grinning and laughing at this little boy who is so mouthy, and yet so worldly. He excuses himself and goes back to his cruiser to file his non-report, and retrieve a little treat for the young boy.
When he comes back, the officer is carrying a sticker with the words "deputy sheriff" for Jaybird,
but you and I both know that Perry can NOT leave well enough alone.
While the officer was gone he had told Jay that his uncle was DEFINITELY going to jail, and that Jaybird would either have to drive the explorer home (LOL!) or call his grandfather to come and take him home.
In retrospect, this might have been a mistake.
When the officer walks up to the truck again, Perry is showing Jaybird how to call his grandpa on Perry's phone
(because when he's playing a joke, he takes it to the very limit of decency)
and instead of waiting for the officer to speak, Jaybird demands the officer not to take Perry to jail.
"My uncle does guilty stuff but there are other people doing even more guilty stuff than him!"
At this point the officer gets a very confused look on his face
"Your uncle does bad stuff? What sort of bad stuff does he do?
"He busts people in the head!"
*at this point the officer looks bemused and bursts out in laughter*
For a lot of kids, this would be the time to stop talking....but no, not Jaybird.
"If you take my unc' to jail I'm gonna sit here with this truck until my papaw gets here 'cause there might be some stuff in this truck you shouldn't see!
Again the officer gets curious.
"What's in there that I shouldn't see?"
Jaybird: "Well, there's a buncha papers from Burger king, aaaand some boxes from Krystal (the southern equivelant to White Castle) aaaaand some old fries that ain't no good anymore, aaaaand....."
At this point the officer (thankfully) stops Jaybird, telling him that he's not going to take his uncle to jail over a messy truck.
He hands over the "sheriff's deputy" sticker to Jay, and he and Perry get into a discussion about how good a police officer Jaybird would be.
Of course, the bird has to chime in:
"Yeah! I'd be a great cop! I'd just bust people in the head and take them to jail!"
Perry: Sounds like you'd be a good town officer.
Town officer: Wait a minute, it's not all That bad anymore....
so the officer and my friends part ways, with everybody involved laughing their asses off.
But you know, my friend has created a monster in his little prodigy.....
He'll make a good partner in crime one day.
....eventually....
On to Volume V, or; "When you don't have a leg to stand on"
Thank you all for returning to read the ongoing series of stories about my best friend which I call "Perry Tales"
For anyone who is unfamiliar with the series, please have a look at the previous offerings before reading this one.
"The bullshit my friend tells people to fuck with them"
"How to keep small-town police from fucking with you"
"To know the man is to know his father....and vice versa"
In this week's episode, we meet Perry's nephew. Let's call him Jaybird (since everybody else does).
Jaybird is currently nine years old, and has a highly active imagination. His mother has never been a major factor in his life, and his main teachers have been Perry, Tony, and in the past year or so: me.
This week Jaybird was riding with Perry in the previously mentioned Ford Explorer (with it's huge tires and modified gear ratio)
when lo and behold (act surprised here) a small town police officer wheeled around to get behind them, flashing his lights and flipping his siren on and off to signal them to pull over.
Perry takes this all in stride, but Jaybird is just brimming with excitement;
"What does he want, why are they pulling you over, what's gonna happen, uncle?" The questions are just pouring out of Jaybird's head as though a dam had broken inside his skull.
So Perry calms him down as best he can. (an exercise in futility)
He tells Jaybird that he'll take care of everything, and then tells Jay to be quiet while he talks to the police officer.
But the words "Be quiet" aren't exactly the highest in Jaybird's vocabulary.
Perry recognizes the officer as one who has pulled him (and me) over in the past. so as a joke he winks at Jaybird and waits for the young guy to walk up beside the vehicle.
While the officer is busy looking into the back windows of the vehicle he (once again) throws his arms out the window and yells "DON'T SHOOT! DON'T SHOOT! DON'T SHOOT!".
It's enough to spook the small-town cop into jumping back and grabbing his gun.
But after hearing the voice, and seeing that there is no threat the officer approaches, instantly recognizing Perry by his red hair and jocular demeanor.
"You're the guy that drives that suped-up green Mustang, right?"
Perry confirms that he's correct, and explains that he's driving his father's truck that day, and introduces the oficer to our little nine year old friend.
Jaybird exclaims (as he so often does) " Why are you giving us trouble!? We're just out here trying to make a dollar THE HONEST WAY!" (his blond hair and blue eyes just exude the attitude that he's gotten quite honestly.)
At this point the cop is grinning and laughing at this little boy who is so mouthy, and yet so worldly. He excuses himself and goes back to his cruiser to file his non-report, and retrieve a little treat for the young boy.
When he comes back, the officer is carrying a sticker with the words "deputy sheriff" for Jaybird,
but you and I both know that Perry can NOT leave well enough alone.
While the officer was gone he had told Jay that his uncle was DEFINITELY going to jail, and that Jaybird would either have to drive the explorer home (LOL!) or call his grandfather to come and take him home.
In retrospect, this might have been a mistake.
When the officer walks up to the truck again, Perry is showing Jaybird how to call his grandpa on Perry's phone
(because when he's playing a joke, he takes it to the very limit of decency)
and instead of waiting for the officer to speak, Jaybird demands the officer not to take Perry to jail.
"My uncle does guilty stuff but there are other people doing even more guilty stuff than him!"
At this point the officer gets a very confused look on his face
"Your uncle does bad stuff? What sort of bad stuff does he do?
"He busts people in the head!"
*at this point the officer looks bemused and bursts out in laughter*
For a lot of kids, this would be the time to stop talking....but no, not Jaybird.
"If you take my unc' to jail I'm gonna sit here with this truck until my papaw gets here 'cause there might be some stuff in this truck you shouldn't see!
Again the officer gets curious.
"What's in there that I shouldn't see?"
Jaybird: "Well, there's a buncha papers from Burger king, aaaand some boxes from Krystal (the southern equivelant to White Castle) aaaaand some old fries that ain't no good anymore, aaaaand....."
At this point the officer (thankfully) stops Jaybird, telling him that he's not going to take his uncle to jail over a messy truck.
He hands over the "sheriff's deputy" sticker to Jay, and he and Perry get into a discussion about how good a police officer Jaybird would be.
Of course, the bird has to chime in:
"Yeah! I'd be a great cop! I'd just bust people in the head and take them to jail!"
Perry: Sounds like you'd be a good town officer.
Town officer: Wait a minute, it's not all That bad anymore....
so the officer and my friends part ways, with everybody involved laughing their asses off.
But you know, my friend has created a monster in his little prodigy.....
He'll make a good partner in crime one day.
On to Volume V, or; "When you don't have a leg to stand on"
