How people see me

[RayorDragonFall]

Ok... I normally don't do topics like this, but no matter how hard I think I can't understand why this happens:
Well, just incase people don't know: I'm nearly 16 year old girl, and I've always been a tomboy. I had to endure years of bullying, literally breaking down in the middle of class, not believing in myself and for that reason not taking opportunities and not even trying because people had made me think I simply wasn't good enough.
Years later, I think I've gotten some kind of outer shell, but even so, I don't act like I'm made out of stone and I always try to treat everyone softly and with respect, while trying to have a laugh when possible.

The problem I have is that people see me as some kind of imposing person, and rather aggressive maybe. The thing is, I don't know why, I'm a very very very patient person (kind of the reason why I suffered for so long), and I always find myself preferring/letting people hurt me before even thinking of hurting them.
I'm very mature and I try to make people laugh, even if it's by doing very stupid or random things, just to see them smile.

I don't know what to do, I get treated differently and it's killing me. It feels like people think that things don't hurt me, even though most have seen me cry or be sad.

Things like: Imagine this girl that doesn't know much about our group of friends, she hugged everyone (people she didn't even know) but when it came to me, we shook hands. Or, girls don't treat me like they treat other girls, the guys do the same, and people hardly ever hug me, . And sometimes, it makes me feel lonely

I'm not making that first situation into a huge deal, but it shows that for me, there's like a second standard or something.

I'm seriously lost. I don't know why I always end up being "the weird one out". Years earlier it was because I was a lot more mature than kids my age, but now... I mean, they've grown up, and it also happens with people out of school too.

Serious advice please?
Amy

 

[Bob Evil]

It gets better ...

People who were awkward in school, usually go further than people who had a nice, comfy, social bubble to be protected by.

You're gonna be more motivated to go out and find the things that can make you happy, and not be tied down by the feelings caused by missing your old security blanket.

You'll have things to look forward to, whereas many of them will only look back.

Better to peak later in life, than too early ...

 

[Westside]

Remember that the most important things is the fact that none of these people will matter in your later life. You must see your weaknesses and improve upon them. If you see yourself getting hurt over issues, it is perfectly understandable for someone your age. You haven't seen the ugly side of life yet until you get to the real world. That is when you learn to toughen up. When you build a strong heart is when you discover that you've truly matured. Life can't always be easy on you, it has its rougher edges and it is up to you to conquer them.

 

[Bob Evil]

You haven't see the ugly side of life yet

She has ... me and you, ya ugly bastid

 

[Westside]

You haven't see the ugly side of life yet

She has ... me and you, ya ugly bastid

That was completely irrelevant and I was speaking metaphorically.

 

[RayorDragonFall]

I think that not believing in yourself at all to be able to live your life well is pretty ugly.. especially because I was like... 13-14 when I had to deal with that. Even adults pushed me down.

Also, the main problem I have with all this fiasco is that since it happens with people outside of school too, the only logical answer is that it's because the way I behave. And I want to be able to better than if I can I guess, though I don't know what I'm doing wrong.

 

[Bob Evil]

I know ... and I was trying to inject levity ... as levity in situations like these can be of great help

The trick to life is to become tougher, without becoming hard

Posts merged

I think that not believing in yourself at all to be able to live your life well is pretty ugly..

Things can happen that trigger self-believe ... sounds corny, but it's true ... you have a lot of life left to live ... anything can happen ...

 

[Issac]

I have one advice... add me on msn!
I don't want to sound like a overly self councious dude... but I am actually good at changing people, in your situation. a good listener, a good talker... and has some (read: a lot) experience with it all. I also helped a friend of mine from suicidal -> (real) happy... which is quite good

 

[RayorDragonFall]

Well maybe if you PMed me your address...

I'm not trying to make myself out as some crazy bitch though, I have real friends and I'm not a bad person, I just want to know why people see me as "different".

 

[pasc]

It gets better ...

People who were awkward in school, usually go further than people who had a nice, comfy, social bubble to be protected by.

You're gonna be more motivated to go out and find the things that can make you happy, and not be tied down by the feelings caused by missing your old security blanket.

You'll have things to look forward to, whereas many of them will only look back.

Better to peak later in life, than too early ...

Good to hear that.

BTW, RayorDragonfall, I always thought you were a boy ^^ is that a bad thing ?

and:

QUOTEThings like: Imagine this girl that doesn't know much about our group of friends, she hugged everyone (people she didn't even know) but when it came to me, we shook hands. Or, girls don't treat me like they treat other girls, the guys do the same, and people hardly ever hug me, . And sometimes, it makes me feel lonely

Hmm maybe you just think you should be like them and it could make you feel better ? If so... let it be and be happy with your friends wanting to be someone you aren't is always a very bad idea, trust me on this one.

 

[Bob Evil]

It can get as good as you let it get

 

[Szyslak]

It's difficult to reply to your post without sounding "judgy", but you yourself have described your outward appearance as tomboyish and having developed a "shell". I'm guessing that people's first impression of you might be that you're a little stand-offish. Maybe someone who withholds emotion for fear of putting yourself too far "out there".

The first thing you should do, is go back and read your description of yourself. What would your initial impression be of that person if it was someone else who had written it?

My second and only useful piece of advice is that if you treat people with kindness, most of the time, kindness will be returned to you. If it is not, at least you have tried.

The above responders are completely correct about their advice. Being your age is difficult socially. As you get older, you will find people that accept and like you for who you are, not which table you sit at, or clothes you wear, or people you hang out with. The ones who judge you rashly by superficial means will fade quickly from your memory.

And remember, kindness does not equal weakness. Putting yourself out there and getting hurt is a part of life. You'll be better off for experiencing joy and pain, rather than staying in an emotional "shell".

Also remember that most of us went through something equally difficult at your age, and none of us really has an answer for it. Just try to revel in the experiences you have with the friends you do make.

 

[mthrnite]

In school people thought I was arrogant. I heard it a lot, and it really bugged me. I've always been very self-conscious, and I abhor arrogance. Still, I kept getting it, and still do to this day. I just don't see it though. Maybe it's the way I talk, or some other mannerism I have that triggers that assumption. Maybe that's the deal with you.. just some mannerism that has nothing to do with aggression, but somehow hints at it.

..or maybe you're aggressive, and I'm arrogant, and neither of us know it.

..I find that unlikely though.

 

[Westside]

In school people thought I was arrogant. I heard it a lot, and it really bugged me. I've always been very self-conscious, and I abhor arrogance. Still, I kept getting it, and still do to this day. I just don't see it though. Maybe it's the way I talk, or some other mannerism I have that triggers that assumption. Maybe that's the deal with you.. just some mannerism that has nothing to do with aggression, but somehow hints at it.

..or maybe you're aggressive, and I'm arrogant, and neither of us know it.

..I find that unlikely though.

Jealousy I assume? Infact, both of you can be outstanding people and jealousy can lead people to say very untrue things.

 

[Veho]

...and I try to make people laugh, even if it's by doing very stupid or random things, just to see them smile.
I think that this may be the problem. If you try too hard it may appear aggressive/imposing/forced/pushy/loud/too much, and might drive people away, instead of endear you to them.

Are you eager to appeal to people, energetic, overly enthusiastic to make them like you, to try and make them laugh, and you're constantly tense about it, and don't know what to do with your hands, and you end up gesticulating a bit too broadly, saying your sentences just a little louder than strictly neccessairy; maybe your timing is just a little off, because you falter for that tiny bit, unsure whether it's really appropriate to say what you just had in mind? Do you end up appearing awkward and your social interaction looks like a gangling teenager in a glassware shop (awkward and clumsy and with every little nervous tick things come crashing down)? Are you nervous? It shows. People notice it. It's not your fault, of course, but it's noticeable, and it doesn't help your people skills. Like mthr said, those mannerisms leave the wrong impression.

And I think I know where it comes from:
QUOTEliterally breaking down in the middle of class, not believing in myself and for that reason not taking opportunities and not even trying because people had made me think I simply wasn't good enough.

You want to please people, but you're afraid of messing up. That makes you tense, you're under pressure, and pressure only makes things worse.

Relax. Your posts seem intelligent and eloquent and you seem like a fun person to talk to. No need to change anything about your personality, there's nothing wrong with you. You just need to relax. Don't force jokes just to get cheap laughs out of people. It won't put them at ease, it will unsettle them. Slow down a bit. Give them time to catch up with you. You might appear shy that way, but that's okay. And it will seem like you're weighing your words with care (which is a good thing to do in any case), and that's a good impression to make. Just relax. You'll do fine.




And there's always GBATEMP if you need someone to talk to

 

[Ace Gunman]

In school people thought I was arrogant. I heard it a lot, and it really bugged me. I've always been very self-conscious, and I abhor arrogance. Still, I kept getting it, and still do to this day. I just don't see it though. Maybe it's the way I talk, or some other mannerism I have that triggers that assumption. Maybe that's the deal with you.. just some mannerism that has nothing to do with aggression, but somehow hints at it.

..or maybe you're aggressive, and I'm arrogant, and neither of us know it.

..I find that unlikely though.

Jealousy I assume? Infact, both of you can be outstanding people and jealousy can lead people to say very untrue things.

I don't think jealousy is really the case here. Everyone she and he knew were jealous? That seems a bit too far fetched. Sometimes people just project an air, sometimes consciously, sometimes unconsciously, and sometimes it's merely people's own assumptions. People who knew me in my younger days always assumed I was cocky, foolish, completely devoid of any sort of drive. I was the crazy happy-go-lucky class clown who cared nothing for the future and lived only for the moment to them. That was the image I projected, even though that was really only one facet of my personality. That's all they could see because that's all I let them see.

In life there many things we do not understand, especially about ourselves. My advice to you, Rayor, is to actively pursue breaking down this stereotype you've someone been locked into. You say this person only shook your hand when she hugged everyone else? Well, have you considered hugging her in that scenario? If you make the first move, people will see you're not who they think you are. Instead of waiting for them to figure it out on their own, make it known to them yourself.

 

[Bob Evil]

How I see people

 

[Awdofgum]

why people see me as "different".

There is nothing wrong with being different, but i do agree you shouldn't be treated any differently. My advice is that, you should just live your life and stop trying to show everyone how nice you are. Your true friends will stay with you, and you don't need anyone else.
My guess is that everyone is missing out on meeting an awesome girl

 

[MasterM]

Its good if you realize what kind of person u want to be. Do you want to change yourself to fit into groups of people?

Get to know your assets and weaknesses. Its a good start. 16 years of living means the beggining of understandig who you truly are.

Every bad experience makes us stronger and I think these are the most important things in our life. Learning to handle these situations will be priceless in your life.

And dont forget the chain: know yourself ->know others ->figure things out (dont change order

Thats my amateur philosophy

 

[omatic]

My advice would be to wait until you're in college (if you're going to college), and out of high school before thinking this is something you need to change about yourself. While in high school, there's a pretty limited range of people you'll be interacting with, and overall the high school social environment can be pretty savage. Due to the combination of raging hormones, everyone's desire to fit in, and several other factors, it can make for turbulent times.

I'm in college myself at the moment, and I knew a girl (she graduated) who was similar to what you're describing about yourself. In high school she had some friends but didn't get along particularly well with any set group, so her circle of friends was small, but a lot of them came from her being in the university. She was a little imposing (due to her height), and very tomboyish, but she was a very warm and caring person once you got to know her. The first impression, however, was different, and that's drove some people away. I got to know her because we had some common interests.

I can't give any specific advice for you since I don't know you personally, I can only tell you things based off of my past experiences and what has worked for me. In the future, you could try starting conversations with people who seem to share your interests (for example, I recently made a friend when I saw this girl struggling with her DS, so I stopped to help her out, and we got to talking). It won't work every time, so don't be afraid of failure.

I know it's not very helpful saying "the situation will improve later", but my hope is that you'll be able to better endure (or even outright ignore) the offenses that you seem to be suffering in high school right now if you're aware that there's plenty of people out there who not only have similar issues to the one you're having, but making friends eventually becomes much easier when you're in the right crowd.

In high school I felt a little outcast myself, since I was almost never invited to parties or went out on crazy weekend road trips with a group of friends, like many others did. But now, I've got an awesome group of DS-playing, sci-fi watching, brain-having friends that I hang out with on campus whenever I get the time.

Alright, that's enough rambling from this old man. Moral of the story: don't change yourself because you don't think you "fit in", and don't be afraid to meet new people. High school will be over eventually, and the world will be open to you. Some people will hurt you (it's a fact of life), but the opposite is also true, and there are people who you'll be really glad you met.