The Harvard Law School-types think they can tell us about movies. Yeah, what do they know about movies? They're a law school! Whatever, phonies. Turn your baseball caps backwards and pop those collars, folks, we're getting real. Today's movie is... APOCALYPSE NOW Pfft, more like Apocalypse Later, or Apocalypse Boredom, because of how boring it is. The Pros: 1) It ends. 2) There were nude pictures of Paris Hilton online, so that was cool, bros. The Cons: 1) It's set in the Vietnam War. Man, an unpopular, arguably morally ambiguous military quagmire in a far away nation? Come on, gramps, get with the times! Who can possibly relate to that today? 2) 1979 was sooooooooo long ago. If I can't count back to the year with my fingers and toes, I don't care! 3) The movie had these things, called themes or something, and it didn't just tell me exactly what they are. If the movie doesn't explain every single minute detail to me, how am I supposed to know it's there? By thinkin? Pfft, if I wanted to think, I'd be with those phony Harvard Law School-types! 5) Francis Ford Coppola? More like Fail-cis Bored Cop-Out-ola! 6) There was too much talking. Shut up, Marlin Blando, where are the action scenes? And all that actual military equipment and pyrotechnics and stuff is lame. Where is all the CG? How am I supposed to pay attention if there's not CG plastered all over the screen? G) The soundtrack sucked. The Ride of the Valkyries? More like Ride of the... Boredom! So yeah, if you couldn't already tell, this movie sucks. It sucks dongs. It sucks, like, a bag of dongs. Two bags, even! That's how bad it was. Final Rating: I give it a Dumb out of Whatever. Be sure to check in next time when I detail how Jaws is a timeless movie because of sharks. Don't miss it... or do, and suck! Peace.