Gahars Reviews... Apocalypse Now

Discussion in 'The Edge of the Forum' started by Gahars, Nov 19, 2012.

  1. Gahars
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    Gahars Bakayaro Banzai

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    The Harvard Law School-types think they can tell us about movies. Yeah, what do they know about movies? They're a law school!

    Whatever, phonies. Turn your baseball caps backwards and pop those collars, folks, we're getting real. Today's movie is...

    APOCALYPSE NOW

    Pfft, more like Apocalypse Later, or Apocalypse Boredom, because of how boring it is.

    The Pros:
    1) It ends.
    2) There were nude pictures of Paris Hilton online, so that was cool, bros.

    The Cons:
    1) It's set in the Vietnam War. Man, an unpopular, arguably morally ambiguous military quagmire in a far away nation? Come on, gramps, get with the times! Who can possibly relate to that today?
    2) 1979 was sooooooooo long ago. If I can't count back to the year with my fingers and toes, I don't care!
    3) The movie had these things, called themes or something, and it didn't just tell me exactly what they are. If the movie doesn't explain every single minute detail to me, how am I supposed to know it's there? By thinkin? Pfft, if I wanted to think, I'd be with those phony Harvard Law School-types!
    5) Francis Ford Coppola? More like Fail-cis Bored Cop-Out-ola!
    6) There was too much talking. Shut up, Marlin Blando, where are the action scenes? And all that actual military equipment and pyrotechnics and stuff is lame. Where is all the CG? How am I supposed to pay attention if there's not CG plastered all over the screen?
    G) The soundtrack sucked. The Ride of the Valkyries? More like Ride of the... Boredom!

    So yeah, if you couldn't already tell, this movie sucks. It sucks dongs. It sucks, like, a bag of dongs. Two bags, even! That's how bad it was.

    Final Rating: I give it a Dumb out of Whatever.

    Be sure to check in next time when I detail how Jaws is a timeless movie because of sharks. Don't miss it... or do, and suck!

    Peace.
     


  2. Guild McCommunist

    Guild McCommunist (not on boat)

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    The Danger Zone
    I was like Apocaylpse "Wow That's a Bad Movie"
     
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  3. Hyro-Sama

    Hyro-Sama I'm from the fucking future.

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    Apocalypse now?

    More like Apocalypse Outdated.
     
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  4. Guild McCommunist

    Guild McCommunist (not on boat)

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    The Danger Zone
    We should talk about timeless classics like Blade, Gothika, and Max Payne.
     
  5. Gahars
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    Gahars Bakayaro Banzai

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    Don't worry, that's coming up, brah. I'm planning a whole review dedicated to Blade, and its timeless themes of punching vampire bad guys.
     
  6. Guild McCommunist

    Guild McCommunist (not on boat)

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    I forgot to say this but "I love the smell of bad movie in the morning."
     
  7. Engert

    Engert I love me

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    Hahaha.
    Ok, now we're talking.
    You know what sucked balls especially about this movie which didn't even have cool action scenes? The part where the General has a cult. oooooooooooh coppola that's original and so awesome. But i'll bend over and comply because you have a reputation and i don't want to be the first to say fuck you.
     
  8. Guild McCommunist

    Guild McCommunist (not on boat)

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    I love the smell of freshly blasted ass in the morning.
     
  9. Engert

    Engert I love me

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    and that line it's such 50+ . The guy who lives in the seventies and still talks about Vietnam.
    Nowadays nobody uses "i'll be back" anymore nevermind "i love the fresh smell of bullshit in the morning"
     
  10. Gahars
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    Gahars Bakayaro Banzai

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    It's okay, buddy. Film criticism isn't for everyone.
     
  11. Guild McCommunist

    Guild McCommunist (not on boat)

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    I just used it so your argument is invalid.
     
  12. Engert

    Engert I love me

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    Criticism is for everyone who has a Twitter account.
     
  13. Engert

    Engert I love me

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    There's no argument just opinions.
     
  14. Guild McCommunist

    Guild McCommunist (not on boat)

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    The Danger Zone
    Quite frankly my dear, I don't give a damn.
     
  15. Engert

    Engert I love me

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    You do now. There's no denying it.
    The internets can make for a great banter.
    And this of course is to preserve our thoughts in the future when we get resurrected by A.I.
     
  16. Gahars
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    Gahars Bakayaro Banzai

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    [​IMG]
     
  17. Hyro-Sama

    Hyro-Sama I'm from the fucking future.

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    Engert, where have you been all this time?

    GBATemp needs you to produce more gold like this more often.
     
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  18. Engert

    Engert I love me

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    I got this work thing i have to do once in the while but i'll chime in.
     
  19. Black-Ice

    Black-Ice Founder of the Church of Renamon

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    Are you high?
     
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  20. Veho

    Veho The man who cried "Ni".

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    "Apocalypse Now"? Is that yet another one of those "end of the world" movies like "2012"? Oh for crying out loud, we get a new doomsday prediction every five years and the movie industry simply has to cash in on the hysteria. What was it that time, what did people believe in way back then? Crystals? Aliens? Plague of frogs? I guess it might be worth a watch just to see how amusingly wrong they were.

    EDIT: Wait, what? It lasts three hours? Fucking dropped.
     
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