Gahars Reviews... Apocalypse Now

[Gahars]

The Harvard Law School-types think they can tell us about movies. Yeah, what do they know about movies? They're a law school!

Whatever, phonies. Turn your baseball caps backwards and pop those collars, folks, we're getting real. Today's movie is...

APOCALYPSE NOW

Pfft, more like Apocalypse Later, or Apocalypse Boredom, because of how boring it is.

The Pros:
1) It ends.
2) There were nude pictures of Paris Hilton online, so that was cool, bros.

The Cons:
1) It's set in the Vietnam War. Man, an unpopular, arguably morally ambiguous military quagmire in a far away nation? Come on, gramps, get with the times! Who can possibly relate to that today?
2) 1979 was sooooooooo long ago. If I can't count back to the year with my fingers and toes, I don't care!
3) The movie had these things, called themes or something, and it didn't just tell me exactly what they are. If the movie doesn't explain every single minute detail to me, how am I supposed to know it's there? By thinkin? Pfft, if I wanted to think, I'd be with those phony Harvard Law School-types!
5) Francis Ford Coppola? More like Fail-cis Bored Cop-Out-ola!
6) There was too much talking. Shut up, Marlin Blando, where are the action scenes? And all that actual military equipment and pyrotechnics and stuff is lame. Where is all the CG? How am I supposed to pay attention if there's not CG plastered all over the screen?
G) The soundtrack sucked. The Ride of the Valkyries? More like Ride of the... Boredom!

So yeah, if you couldn't already tell, this movie sucks. It sucks dongs. It sucks, like, a bag of dongs. Two bags, even! That's how bad it was.

Final Rating: I give it a Dumb out of Whatever.

Be sure to check in next time when I detail how Jaws is a timeless movie because of sharks. Don't miss it... or do, and suck!

Peace.

 

[Guild McCommunist]

I was like Apocaylpse "Wow That's a Bad Movie"

 

[Hyro-Sama]

Apocalypse now?

More like Apocalypse Outdated.

 

[Guild McCommunist]

We should talk about timeless classics like Blade, Gothika, and Max Payne.

 

[Gahars]

We should talk about timeless classics like Blade, Gothika, and Max Payne.

Don't worry, that's coming up, brah. I'm planning a whole review dedicated to Blade, and its timeless themes of punching vampire bad guys.

 

[Guild McCommunist]

I forgot to say this but "I love the smell of bad movie in the morning."

 

[Engert]

Hahaha.
Ok, now we're talking.
You know what sucked balls especially about this movie which didn't even have cool action scenes? The part where the General has a cult. oooooooooooh coppola that's original and so awesome. But i'll bend over and comply because you have a reputation and i don't want to be the first to say fuck you.

 

[Guild McCommunist]

Hahaha.
Ok, now we're talking.
You know what sucked balls especially about this movie which didn't even have cool action scenes? The part where the General has a cult. oooooooooooh coppola that's original and so awesome. But i'll bend over and comply because you have a reputation and i don't want to be the first to say fuck you.

I love the smell of freshly blasted ass in the morning.

 

[Engert]

and that line it's such 50+ . The guy who lives in the seventies and still talks about Vietnam.
Nowadays nobody uses "i'll be back" anymore nevermind "i love the fresh smell of bullshit in the morning"

 

[Gahars]

Hahaha.
Ok, now we're talking.
You know what sucked balls especially about this movie which didn't even have cool action scenes? The part where the General has a cult. oooooooooooh coppola that's original and so awesome. But i'll bend over and comply because you have a reputation and i don't want to be the first to say fuck you.

It's okay, buddy. Film criticism isn't for everyone.

 

[Guild McCommunist]

and that line it's such 50+ . The guy who lives in the seventies and still talks about Vietnam.
Nowadays nobody uses "i'll be back" anymore nevermind "i love the fresh smell of bullshit in the morning"

I just used it so your argument is invalid.

 

[Engert]

Criticism is for everyone who has a Twitter account.

 

[Engert]

There's no argument just opinions.

 

[Guild McCommunist]

There's no argument just opinions.

Quite frankly my dear, I don't give a damn.

 

[Engert]

You do now. There's no denying it.
The internets can make for a great banter.
And this of course is to preserve our thoughts in the future when we get resurrected by A.I.

 

[Gahars]

There's no argument just opinions.

 

[Hyro-Sama]

Engert, where have you been all this time?

GBATemp needs you to produce more gold like this more often.

 

[Engert]

I got this work thing i have to do once in the while but i'll chime in.

 

[Black-Ice]

You do now. There's no denying it.
The internets can make for a great banter.
And this of course is to preserve our thoughts in the future when we get resurrected by A.I.

Are you high?

 

[Veho]

"Apocalypse Now"? Is that yet another one of those "end of the world" movies like "2012"? Oh for crying out loud, we get a new doomsday prediction every five years and the movie industry simply has to cash in on the hysteria. What was it that time, what did people believe in way back then? Crystals? Aliens? Plague of frogs? I guess it might be worth a watch just to see how amusingly wrong they were.

EDIT: Wait, what? It lasts three hours? Fucking dropped.