Craziest junk e-mail.. Ever.

[matt382]

Just checking my e-mail inbox today and came across this little gem. Now I'm not normally one for junk e-mails, but this one made me laugh.

I am a professional assassin and SMERSH have contracted me to assassinate you and have specifically paid extra for a particularly nasty death which makes it look like you died in a particularly bizarre sex game gone wrong; I had already bought the shire horse stallion (he's called Henry), the lard and the dragon dildo (from Bad Dragon of course, I only use the very best tools) when I found out that you are innocent of the accuse, so I make out this time to contact you. Unfortunately international crime syndicates won't admit to mistakes and cancel the hit so I will be forced to carry out the assassination on you. Sorry about that old chap but rules are rules.

There is an option for me to help you in other for you to know who had paid SMERSH for your DEATH and don't forget my men had been monitoring you for the past few days and daily record of your activities is been sent to me but I have refuse to order your DEATH.

Get back to me if you value your LIFE with all due speed or else I regret I will have to carry out my original contract to assassinate you and although he is quite charming for a horse I don't think Henry is the most sensitive of lovers.

You can contact me back here ([email protected])

Toodle Pip!

Dai Teatime
International Assassin

Anyone got any crazier stuff than this? :')

 

[Costello]

i hate to break it to you mate, but thats not junk mail.
nice knowing you

 

[Deleted User]

Dude, Dai Teatime Is serious person, You're fucked

 

[Satangel]

In all seriousness, that is just about the best junk mail I've ever had.

 

[Rydian]

the dragon dildo (from Bad Dragon of course, I only use the very best tools)

I. I Know what this is talking about.

Somebody shoot me now, please.

 

[Jamstruth]

I once got a phone call from "Microsoft" telling me that they had detected that my computer had a terrible virus. I literally laughed down the phone at him. He got a bit angry after that "You think this is a joke? I am from Microsoft Tech Support, you think you know better than me?" I told him that I would know if my computer had a virus and to try somebody else.
Best. Cold call. Ever.

Also: Don't worry. I have my own network of assassins. Dai Teatime is known to us now as a traitor for trying to welch on a hit. We will take care of him

 

[Midna]

the dragon dildo (from Bad Dragon of course, I only use the very best tools)

I. I Know what this is talking about.

Somebody shoot me now, please.

4channers know all about those. On /v/, people sometimes do unboxing threads, and then pull Bad Dragon products out of the boxes instead of games.

 

[Zerosuit connor]

I get creepy ones like that too.

From: "Assasin Hammed"
Subject: SOMEONE CLOSE TO YOU WANTS YOU DEAD
Date: Sat, 25 Feb 2012

YOU HAVE BEEN BETRAYED. SOME ONE YOU KNOW WANTS YOU DEAD. I HAVE BEEN PAID TO KILL YOU, AND WILL GO FOR MY MOTIONS UNLESS YOU ARE PREPARED TO ASSIST ME.

I KNOW YOU ARE INNOCENT, OF WHICH YOU ACCUSE, SO CAN HELP YOU DISAPPEAR AND STOP THE BOYS COMING FOR YOU. I WISH YOU TO KNOW I WAS PAID TO KILL YOU IN A MOST PAINFUL AND UNHAPPY WAY. I WAS PAID TO KILL YOU BY A SHOT FROM MY SNIPER WHICH IS UNTRACEABLE.

I HAVE KILLED MANY IN THIS WAY BEFORE AND WILL CONTINUE AS I AM KNOWN AS THE BEST SNIPER SHOT KILLER.


REPLY TO ME IF YOU WISH TO LIVE.

I have heaps more.

 

[Foxi4]

You just made the biggest mistake of your life... You do not f*ck with the SMERSH - you just broke the rule of confidentiality. Now it's not business anymore - it's personal.

Have a bottle's worth of lube on you... in you. At all times. In all orifices. You'll never know when HE strikes, better wet then sorry.

 

[Zerosuit connor]

Date: Mon, 6 Feb 2012
From: Al Musterpher Muhammed
Reply-To: Al Musterpher Muhammed
Subject: Your Name: Lynn Cabot
Return-Path: [[email protected]]

This is the only way I could contact you for now, I want you to be very careful about this and keep this secret with you until I make out space for us to see. You have no need of knowing who I am or where I am from. I know this may sound very surprising to you but it's the situation. I have been paid some ransom in advance to terminate you with some reasons listed to me by my employer. He has provided us with your name, picture and other necessary information's we needed about you such as below.

Your Name: Lynn Cabot
Where You can be find: CANADA
phone Number:
Picture: Not to display

It's someone I believe you call a friend, I have followed you closely for a while now and have seen that you are innocent of the accusations he leveled against you .Do not contact the police or try to send a copy of this to them, because if you do, I will know, and I might be pushed to do what I have been paid to do. Besides, this is the first time I turn out to be a betrayer in my job. I took pity on you, which is why I have made up my mind to help you if you are willing to help yourself.

Now listen, I will arrange for us to see face to face, but before that, I need $12,000. To pay off cover, I will come to your home or you determine where you wish we meet; I repeat, do not arrange for the cops and if you play hard to get, it will be extends to your family. Do not set any camera to cover us or set up any tape to record our conversation, my employer is in my control now. Payment details will be provided for you to make a part payment of $5000 first, which will serve as guarantee that you are ready to co-operate, then i will post a copy of the video tape that contains his request for me to terminate you which will be enough evidence for you to take any legal action against him before he employs another person for the job. You will pay the balance of $7000 once you receive the tape.

Warning; do not contact the police, make sure you stay indoors once it is 7.30pm until this whole thing is sorted out, if you neglect any of these warming, you will have yourself to blame. You do not have much time, so get back to me immediately

Note: I will advise you keep this to yourself alone, not even a friend or a family member should know about it because it could be one of them… trust no one not even your co-worker.


Al Musterpher Muhammed

---

 

[Sora de Eclaune]

Here are a few I've gotten.

From:
To: MY EMAIL
Subject: (No subject)
(No Attachments)


==========

From: -my brother's [email protected] (Note, this is NOT my brother's email, and replying to it didn't work)
To: MY EMAIL
Subject: Website
(No attachments)
hello. i require the payment for the website i have created for you. it is attached to this email.
thank you,
-my brother's name-

==========

From: MY EMAIL
To: MY EMAIL
Subject: -my email address-
(1 Attachment(s): -my email address-.txt)
-my email address-

==========

I used Hotmail's online attachment viewer and the text file included with the last email also said my email. How strange.

 

[Gahars]

You know, I love the fact that the email goes out of its way to name the horse Henry. It's the little things in the life that you have to appreciate.

 

[Rydian]

4channers know all about those. On /v/, people sometimes do unboxing threads, and then pull Bad Dragon products out of the boxes instead of games.

You fo'rizzle? Those things are like, at least the price of a game. If you want to get into the faux-vagina toys, they're $150+.

 

[Midna]

Yeah, I'm serious. I've been in those threads.

And no thank you on the invitation.

 

[Sora de Eclaune]

You know, I love the fact that the email goes out of its way to name the horse Henry. It's the little things in the life that you have to appreciate.

Maybe they weren't lying about having the horse.

 

[Gahars]

You know, I love the fact that the email goes out of its way to name the horse Henry. It's the little things in the life that you have to appreciate.

Maybe they weren't lying about having the horse.

So a bunch of spammers also have a horse (which they named)? Why does that sound like a modern "update" or Mr. Ed?

 

[Foxi4]

4channers know all about those. On /v/, people sometimes do unboxing threads, and then pull Bad Dragon products out of the boxes instead of games.

You fo'rizzle? Those things are like, at least the price of a game. If you want to get into the faux-vagina toys, they're $150+.

The funny thing is that you can get a *real* vagina for that price, with a hooker add-on attached to it.

Or three, if you have high Charisma and Barter*.






*...but if you buy three, you also need high Gambling, otherwise you may end up Poisoned... Permanently.

 

[notmeanymore]

the dragon dildo (from Bad Dragon of course, I only use the very best tools)

I. I Know what this is talking about.

Somebody shoot me now, please.

4channers know all about those. On /v/, people sometimes do unboxing threads, and then pull Bad Dragon products out of the boxes instead of games.

It's only bad if you browse sites with Bad Dragon advertisements. Wait...

 

[Sicklyboy]

Most of my spam is from ChristianMingle and BlackPeopleMeet.

:/

Oh, and this:

Dear Player,

We regret to inform you that your account has received an infraction due to a Major Real World Trading offense. Please visit the appeal section under Account Management to view evidence of your infraction(s) and to appeal any infraction(s) that you feel were unjustified.

To view the evidence please click here: http://secure.runesc...ount_history.ws

Please note: Due to a recent bug in our infraction system, some accounts may have received a void infraction. The majority of void infractions have been removed but we cannot ensure that all infractions have been removed. We urge you to visit the appeal section to appeal any unjustified infractions received due to system errors.

Many thanks, Jagex Ltd.

Copyright © 1999 - 2011 Jagex Ltd. Jagex, RuneScape, FunOrb, War of Legends and Stellar Dawn are registered trademarks of Jagex Ltd in the United Kingdom and trademarks used in other countries of the world. By using our service you are agreeing to our Terms and Conditions and Privacy Policy.

Can't even tell you how many years it's been since I played FailScape, and even at that I played only for a few weeks. Though I think this is real, I know my account has been hacked for a few years.

 

[SinHarvest24]

Exactly what Cost said.