A Tale Of Dreams

Discussion in 'GBAtemp Art Studio' started by shyam513, Aug 30, 2010.

  1. Yes!

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  2. Depends On My Mood...

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  3. No Way!

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  1. shyam513

    shyam513 GBAtemp Regular

    May 26, 2010
    Well - I was asked to write a 100,000 word novel for a project, so I began, getting to about 12,000 words in a couple of weeks. All my friends have told me they love it - but I'm not quite as sure. The novel is written in first person. So 'Tempers, If any of you have a moment, please read the first two chapters, posted below, and tell me what you think! Oh - and please watch how much you flame!

    Dreams. They are strange things, are they not? They come forth from our memories, whether those memories are ones of sadness, joy or fear. They dance in front of our eyes, alluring us with tales of fantasy, adventure and exploration. At times, they may make us laugh, at times, they may make us cry. And, when exhausted, they return once more to the shadowy forest from whence they once came, to sleep until called upon once more. At least that was what I once thought. But now I know the truth. Dreams do not dance across my eyes any longer, nor do they allure me as they once did. My dreams tear their own path across my eyes, causing me to tremble with every motion. My dreams are like an ocean in a storm, rising and falling without any rest. But at one time, things were different. Once my dreams sung to me, once they allured me, just as I am sure that they allure you. But my tale is one of such love and torment, of such violence and pity, that I can only wonder whether I yet still dream. This tale, my tale, is one the likes you have never heard before. If you wish, journey with me and you will hear a tale of time, of space, and of my heart’s silent aria. Of those three, one did triumph, but it was the one I least expected.
    My name is Névent. I was once a ruler of my own land, a prince as it were. Yes, one of the noble Aristocracy, that have what people envision as a “perfect” life. But now those times are long gone. I was once a child as you were, and I once had everything I ever needed or wanted. I had no worries, and my life was, for a time, completely at peace and harmony. I played and I laughed with friends, who were just as young and full of life as I was. How long ago those days now seem, when we would chase each other around the market, drawing shouts from the stall keepers, and laughter from the workers and villagers. I was never one to restrain myself, and often we fought, with fists, stones and wooden swords, never imagining that I would one day be forced to truly fight. I grew up alongside my town, and it is forever embedded in my heart. But, those days are gone as dust in the wind. How long has it been? How long since I last saw Indra, who would walk with her children, a kind word for all on her lips? Or how long since I saw Shruti’s children, laughing and playing as we once did? I had forgotten, but now the memories return. Ah, how life once was but one endless dream, flowing from one delight to another. I learnt many skills at this time, such as how to fight, how to run and how to track, but never did I suspect how useful those skills would become. In short, my childhood was almost perfect, but then my life changed the day I turned sixteen. The day I learnt I could harness the wind.
    It was the day I turned sixteen, and I remember it perfectly. Of course I do. If it weren’t for that day, my story would have been completely different. I had learnt to fight since the age of twelve, and I often won with ease, with or without weapons, as if some supernatural force was aiding me. It may sound strange, but that is what my childish mind once thought. I found I could move faster, jump higher, and slash more gracefully, than any opponent I was to face, but I never understood why. At the age of sixteen though, my father deemed me responsible enough to handle the truth, so he summoned me to his chambers, and told me the truth. I will never forget those words, even if I lose all else, these words will stay with me:
    “There are six of us, my son. We have often looked to the heavens for answers, but now you must learn, that those answers are in our hands. No more are we subservient to the Gods, some of us having powers the Gods themselves would envy.”
    I was understandably confused by these words, and I wondered what it was father could mean. I asked just as much, as I was never one to hold my tongue, and it was then that I learnt the stunning truth. What was this truth, so stunning and powerful, you may find yourself asking. I know that I did, even if it was only a child’s curiosity. If you do wonder, then listen for yourselves and judge if you see the truth as astonishing as I once did:
    “There exist six elements which govern the world in which we live. These six consist of Earth, fire, water, time, space and… and wind, my son, the element you were destined to hold. Strange as this must sound, have not you ever noticed, in all these years, how your grace, speed and agility surpass that of all mortal men? Or how the wind flows around you, freezing all with its icy touch, yet leaving you warm and unharmed? I speak the truth. You are wind’s master; it shall follow your will.”
    Ah, the dual sided nature of truth. Is anything in this life ever as good or as bad as it first seems? It never is that simple, is it now? How many years have gone by since I heard those words and my path was decided for me? But, these are just idle thoughts of days gone by. The past is set in stone, no matter how much I wish it was not so. Even now the truth of those words echo around me, the cool, gentle winds of this lake caress my skin, almost as if trying to heal my shattered soul. The stars above are silent observers, as I sit alone on the shore of this lake, wondering how this came to pass. Wondering what is left of that child who could once play from sunrise to sunset. And I guess, the only way I will ever find the answer is by going back. Back to the whirlwind of pain and love that lies in my heart, or what is left of it. I guess it is true after all. What father always used to say to me as a child “When the world around you gives you sorrow and rage, look to your heart. There all your rage shall fade away, your sorrow gone to the wind.” My heart knows the true answers, and I have to have the courage to find them.
  2. bnwchbammer

    bnwchbammer GBAtemp Fan

    Mar 4, 2009
    United States
    Am I the first one not to call TL;DR on this?
    Well lemme start by saying I could never write a novel.
    Not that I don't like writing.
    But I quite dislike reading.
    I'll try to be brutally honest with you.
    There were a few instances in your story where I kinda stumbled on what you were saying.
    Notably " that I can only wonder whether I yet still dream."
    Iunno, it kinda bugged me.
    Otherwise I suppose it was well written.
    The time frame is set it the past I'm assuming, though I'm not sure.
    The dream thing was pretty cool in creating a sort of mystery.
    The supernatural thing is a way to attract a target audience.
    But, with all that said, it wouldn't be my cup of tea.
    Though I'm definitely not your target audience.
    I dislike novels, I dislike the supernatural, I dislike the past.
    But hey, doesn't mean your writing's bad.
  3. shyam513

    shyam513 GBAtemp Regular

    May 26, 2010
    Heh.. Maybe You were right about the length, and yes that is the past. I get what you mean about the lines though, but I explain them later in the novel.
  4. rastsan

    rastsan 8 baller, Death Wizard,

    May 28, 2008
    Less commas. More sentences from those commas. Don't be afraid to start new paragraphs that are more descriptive. but otherwise reads like a game intro. (sorry if this sounds mean).
  5. alidsl

    alidsl I am now a lurker

    May 27, 2009
    Kanto - Pallet Town
    I read all of it, and I have to say I love it. I would like to read the whole thing once you've finished [​IMG]