A little ranting.

heavyknight

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It all starts with my mom. The pain in the ass of an issue known as school led to more stress. And then there are the things my oh so loving mother says.
I had been procrastinating since September. I'm in an alternative 'home studies' education program, and I abuse it to a degree where I just do things slowly, kick back, and live life. Of course, I'm not just playing games or watching anime all day long.

How it all began - I hated school. I searched for a way to get less school time, and continue drowning my sorrows away in an MMORPG known as MapleStory. I was only in my early teens at the time. (I left Scania and moved to Bera, for the sake of some people. People a 'tard knew.)

<b>Early school life, the troubled teen years</b> :
From grade school to Jr. high, I was annoyed with racist bastards who annoyed the hell out of me. My mom wasn't any better at this, in fact, she probably knows nothing of it. My dad, hah, he's not even involved with my school life. I hardly did my homework in the 1st grade. My mom got my brother to do most/some of my homework all throughout the years, up until 8-2.

My real downtime was in 7th/8th/8-2, I didn't really want to go to school because it was pointless. To be honest, I wanted of die. To not care for life, thinking back, it hurts. But, I had nothing to live for at the time. I was only living because of and for others, but it was for the wrong causes, the wrong people, reasons that aren't 'real'. I missed a lot of school at some point, and all I heard during those times were "the school is losing money" or "I'm going to get in trouble" - from my mom, not ME. I also didn't want to do a lot of the PE activities. Wrestling? Sorry, but a bunch of immature, dare I say, fags, piling up? No thanks. Oh, right. One of them even went so far as to do a hump on someone. Funny enough, that happened during 8-2.

I eventually got a new school/schedule, things got shorter, my life felt a little better. I only had half a day of school to live through, I could spend the rest of my time on MS, with my false reasons for living, for certain people. Basically, I wanted to be used. A tool, that gained meaning from life, just by being used. I would always put others before myself. I never really got much out of it, except for some acceptance. Eventually, those bonds were cut by an idiot. Known as 'Mike'. He ruined everything, I ended up leaving MS, and continued living with no real reason. I didn't even have my own computer at the time, because after some point...it's a long story.

<b>And then we time skip a few months / the friendship arc </b>-
As life moved on, I also moved on. I finally forced my parents to get me a computer. I did random things, from time to time. Then, I eventually returned, to visit. There, I reconnected with someone I knew for quite some time. I forced him to get MSN, because I was bored as hell on MS. We quickly bonded/re-bonded. As time moved on, I was able to drag him out of MapleStory, and encouraged him to step up to his brother, whom I've mentioned before. We were free. We could do a lot more. Life made a 180. It seemed like we became best friends once we reconnected.

He gave me a reason to live, and someone to live for, but it wasn't just a want of/for attention. To protect, to help, to learn from, to trust. I learned of my past mistakes, and regretted. But, at the same time, I laughed. Not only was I pathetic, not long after moving to Bera, we pretty much somewhat connected, and chatted often. He was in front of me from the beginning. In fact, when I quit/left without saying anything... I was being selfish, I didn't think of him. I was too much of a child at the time...

We both suffered quite a bit, with stress from school/family, our health also has it's kinks, but we made things seem bright for each other. As for the reason to live, not only for myself, but for him. He's like a son, a nephew, a brother. Granted, we do have a 4 year age gap, but we've never really had a chance to act our age because of situations/issues. I eventually declared that I felt like a dad/brother. And it was accepted. Recently, more accepted.

<b>After some time, we ended up hitting some ruts in our friendship.</b> -
I was being emotional, I hated myself. I had no confidence, and felt like I had no talents. I was depressing, and it affected him as well. He doesn't say too much, and I'm overly emotional to a degree After that ordeal, came the next challenge. It persisted for some time. It was on/off.

Then there was something that leveled things more. When I took a blow to the testicles, and brushed it off. I won't go to details, as it's somewhat embarrassing. Anyway, I had ignored it for a few days, because I knew nothing, and I couldn't say much to my parents. I eventually ended up in surgery, nearly losing my left testicle, as well as, it's now pretty much dead, and my sack will never be the same, I occasionally experience minor pain, but what can you expect with a mostly dead testicle?

I later learned that if I had kept quiet about it, I could've died . I recall hearing/being told that if you take a hit to the sack, it could kill you. I now understand that meaning. When I heard that, I felt a bit sad, and was a bit scared. I was even more scared, before that, when I was told I could have cancer. Half of me embraced it, as I had to make use of my life. The other half cried, I didn't want to die so soon. When I told my friend that I could've died, and before that, with the surgery, he was pretty worried, and supportive. If it weren't for him, I probably wouldn't have cared/minded anything. I mean, when I was worried about the surgery, and wanted to put away some insecurities, I asked him, another long story, that if something came up, he'd end up taking a look at it for me. He didn't immaturely go 'ew, gross, hell no', he took this seriously. Something that never existed with "friends". A weight was lifted off my shoulders, and even, balls.

<b>But.. </b>-
Things didn't go all too well in the following months. My mom brought up driving and school, when I had my scrotum sliced open. I had to leave school for the time being, because I couldn't take it. It may seem fine after 8 weeks, but it really wasn't. I took the time off to recover, but the price I had to pay, being behind in school. Even more than I was before. I was stressed while recovering, and it was irritating. I was amazed that time had passed, and a recovery was made.

However, during recovery/before the incident, I was playing MapleStory, since they released the 'Evan' job. I didn't play for too long. I also got into cheating music, using Midis, FL Studio, google, and a sheesh load of soundfonts. Give or take a few side programs.

Things eventually started looking up. We had an idea for a sprite series. I don't remember when it happened, but it seemed like it happened early. I'll have to check. There's a long story behind it, a story behind '2N'. Even to this day, we're trying to do stuff about it.

Then, more recent times. I've had a large numbers of depressing days, too negative for my friend sometimes. Questioning my values, questioning my talents and skills. What was I good for? What am I good at? What can I do in life? I'm good for nothing, I suck at everything, and I hardly have anything to offer in life. Those were what I kept saying. As we argued and talked, a number of answers popped up. The past few weeks, I was pretty unbearable to him. And myself. I questioned and made a comment on everything. I want to be prideful, confident, fatherly, etc, etc. I also thought about things, and to a degree, I wanted to be a 'man'.

I'm not great at it, but the arts, music, graphics, literature. I can take a bit of pride in those fields. A bit. That was one of the few answers. I also hit a rut, what about school? College? What if I can't get through that? What will I do then? The answer was : it isn't the end, money making just because of a piece of paper? Hah.... I decided to look forward to things, to change life a bit. There's no end in sight unless you want to see an end. Something my friend taught me.
To improve, to want to improve, to continue improving. Dreams, goals, tasks.

What I learned : To continue with things. To strengthen my values and morals. I had to face things, to grow up, to be a man.
Things to refine, such as the will of a parent. Mixed in, as time passed, I gained many things. I wanted to be a parent, and even had a dream of sorts relating to being one. The joy, the fun, I don't know too much, but I can somewhat say that I know what a father feels at times. I can't wait to be one, one day. Thinking about it, I'm a tad bit excited. Eagerly waiting the day.

<b>However, recent drama with schoo</b>l -
Because I did nothing for a long time, I was basically kicked out. I decided to look up some alternatives and ask of alternatives. It all really began when my mom looked through my papers, bitched about how I did nothing, and said stuff about me. She ended up saying crap about me by assuming I did nothing. It's not like I can't do anything on the computer, as I had already done related things online before. It irritated me, because that shows her level of interest. There's no way to defend that, it's blatant crappy parenting. To trash talk without knowing... what did I do wrong? She was always like that...

I ended up ripping the papers the week after, since it was already approaching the weekends. I thought to myself, if she mentioned school again, I'd rip it. And thus I did. She saw it, said even more crap about me, and then said crap about how -she- was "going to get in trouble". Yes, it's about her.

I had to do something, I walked to school, complained, and asked for alternatives. The teacher and I discussed things. It was nice, I was being helped, genuinely. I eventually found out things about the Connections Academy thing, and haven't told the teacher yet, I've been forgetting and procrastinating, and I need to do so soon, so I have less things to deal with. I received a letter about how if I don't turn the letter in within 10 days they'll 'find' a more 'appropriate' program. CA - flexibility, if I understand it right, I can do homework an hour a day, or so. That makes learning fun, and entertaining. Even if I'll forget most of it by summer.

By the way, when I came back home, the 'tard took a keyboard I got from my aunt/uncle, one my dad asked for. Yes, that spoiled brat got another thing that belonged to me. Also learned he got a PSP. Yes, he has NO JOB and has A PSP. What the hell, I get everything he says, I'm spoiled! Certainly!! Using people for items and possessions! GG! Thinking about it really pisses me off. Talking to me like he did nothing wrong. Hah. You know, it's even more sad, he has had sex with his girlfriend. If I had ruined the condom, she would probably be pregnant. It would get him kicked out, as well as force him to get over himself. Yeah, if you don't have a job, you -can't- have sex. Leeching off your parents to take care of your own? Hahahahaha...

Back to the main issue : my mom basically acted like the victim. I had to take action. I'm not a child, I'm not making stupid choices. Then the letter arrived. I was hoping to lie a bit and have things go through peacefully. Blasted 'education' system, ruining my plans. I had to get it in my mom's head for once. I told her how much I hated school, and how she knew nothing, how she doesn't listen. She said she was 'worried', but not about me, about school and how I was doing in it. Yes, NOT ABOUT ME. She was NOT worried about ME. She disregards all my feelings, how can I do well if she won't even do that much? If she didn't mention school, I wouldn't have resorted to this.

The things I told her, -she- won't get in trouble because I'm 18 now, this year, and that I know what I'm doing. I'm taking this year off because I'm too irritated to deal with it. I'll pick things up next year, but she wants me to do it now. Before that, she said stuff about 'what about college'. Acting as if I was dropping out and becoming a deadbeat. A child can't stay a child forever, and it's not she has helped me in school. It just pisses me off. Back then, I had trouble sleeping, I had developed a case of insomnia. I had another argument, and my mom ended up agreeing to what I said, about how she cares about school more than she cares about me. It wasn't a lie.

<b>It's just a pain in the ass....
When you learn of how 'bad' your parents are.</b>
Yesterday, my mom didn't even show any concern when I was busy dealing with my headphones. It's not 'broken', but when I was making adjustments... I put a screw on a piece of tape, and my mom threw out that piece of tape. The funny part - she didn't even ask me, she just so happened to clean up my desk, when I have random crap laying around. Obvious signs of repairs going on. OBVIOUS. She also asked me if the new headphones were broken, I had to tell her that I've had this pair for a long time.... there's no way she could not tell, it is always either on or always around my computer. ALWAYS.
It was her fault...and I have wireless headphones that I can't use properly because I don't have an infinite supply of batteries. I was about to get a nice pack of batteries once (it was cheap, on sale, and would last me a while), but she said 'we have a lot'. We didn't. More BS, more lies.

She's now saying she's saving up some money so I can get a DS. I have a feeling that's also bull. I asked for one when I was almost bed-ridden. (Simple solution, a small loan and some help from 2 brothers, not too hard. I'm confident in calling it a simple solution, because, I know they could do it.) She put it off for a while. I asked her again. She said a few months. I moved on. Then I tried to ask for a harddrive. She said she had no money. I was being smart about it and tried to get her to ask two brothers to help out with the money/drive. She didn't. I asked again. She said she had no money. She didn't ask them..

The worst part? When I asked for new shorts, she said later. If I keep asking, she keeps saying okay, but puts it off. Sensitive to pain, and needing the extra space. I need new shorts, and I can't even get that.

And I'm not even being spoiled here : they keep telling me to get whatever I want at the super market. However, I tend to not always want stuff. The worst part? If I get to blow money there, why can't I get to blow some on some fairly used clothes? The fact that it has to be used shows how annoying things get. Everything's always a hand-me-down.

The truly irritating part? My dad forced a $500 TV on me. I don't want an HD Plasma, I want some fucking clothes.
A cheap TV plus a cheap converter box is good enough, as long as I can get something (else) on the side.
That isn't even the end of it.

My dad 'promised' to go to my 6th grade open house. It was the end of elementary school. I wanted him to visit, because he never did before. The one time I wanted him involved with school, he didn't. There was also the time I wanted to go to a park, but he didn't want to go/he just wanted to sleep. The irony - he's always telling me to go out/play outside, and even try to make friends.

And not too long ago, I got new clothes. Yeah, new clothes. What kind? SHIRTS. I need shorts. I DESPERATELY need shorts. It can't even be funny anymore... I'm just depressed..I'm desperate for decency...

I can't even get a decent amount of healthy food here... if it's not fried...it usually doesn't include any greens... etc. I'm moderately overweight, and my parents aren't helping. Sure, I can help by exercising, but what good is that if I have no energy from food? I had fried food for a week, my heart didn't feel too great after that. I was irritated, very.

I'm doing nothing wrong. I'm literally doing nothing sometimes. How hard is it to do something like this? To make use of vegetables... to buy used clothes...

I wish it was all a lie, and all an exaggeration. I wish I was a spoiled brat who's parents got whatever I asked for, even if they didn't have much money to throw around. I would kill for that reality. Now I'm obsessed with wanting used shorts. Reduced to such a pathetic state...

Whenever I say these things, I want to cry. It's rage, anger, hatred, sadness, despair. I don't know what to feel.

<b>Stuff on the side</b> -
I eventually became 'Gator'. Not quite a furry, not quite a fursona, but similar. It's something like being lizardly, and such. While I'll bluntly say, I hate humans, and also have started hating being one, it's mostly because...well...how can I like them? It's just a natural feeling now. There's a very long story behind it. I guess, to put it bluntly, I only have part of humanity. A half of many things.

Then there's humans and the world. Not all people are bad, but it's rare to spot non-corrupt humans. It's always about themselves. Taking from the wild, greed, lust, etc, etc. For example, sex is treated as a toy, and morons are having kids when they can't even handle them. If you're not set to be a parent, don't do it. Vasectomies, tube tying, freezing, while those are solutions to many things, they'd eventually regret it. It's the way people tend to work. Sometimes it's half-assed, sometimes it's serious. Not the best example, but eh. Humanity will just kill itself off. For example, America was formed by immigrants. What made those immigrants legal? Then we have people spouting bull, from the country that promotes freedom. People treating like a person's existence is illegal. Pathetic.

People that don't treat each other properly. People with no real morals. People who have no value. A majority of these beings cannot be called humans. They're too low and degrading for that. I'm not saying to respect every living creature, but there are limits. For example, killing for fun, or even killing other people for fun. And then those sad excuses on newspaper/online articles all over. Don't forget trolls, being annoying just for the sake of online attention. Even I didn't go that far. To need such an illusion, how pathetic can people get? Damn disgraces.

<b>Schools, Games, Parents, Humans</b>?
Schools - for some, they ruin lives. They don't teach. Students aren't being cared for, everyone's treated the same. Teachers don't even have full passion anymore. Only some do. Others, I'd rather drop out to avoid wasting my time with.

Games - I gained a best friend from a ditched addiction. Whoever dares to call them bad/a waste of time, maybe the time your parent spent raising you was a waste of time. It's not only just that, my existence has mostly been built from games. Sadly, I can no longer keep up with many of the games of today....

Parents - Don't have kids if you can't handle them. As changes happen, you also have to change and adapt. Don't ignore your kids after a certain age. Always be involved. You're going to have to handle them with care, patience, and lots of love. It's not simple enough to want a kid on a whim. It will take a while, but you can take great pride in raising them 'right', and how you want them to grow up. To have them look up to you, rather than to have them hate you... They're going to go through similar things, and the usual teen phase. It's your responsibility to guide them through it, not push them just for what you want. Do better in school? If school means the world to you, give up your kid for adoption. They'll do better without you.

Humans - There are two kinds. Those that are, and those that aren't. Sometimes, I think about the cruelty some creatures go through. When I put myself in that kind of position, it hurts, it's depressing. Occasional wanting to kill humans, sometimes specific people, sometimes a specific type. Usually spoiled brats, or people of the snobby variety. Don't forget trolls. How I would enjoy seeing their blood flow like a fountain...however, it's their blood..it would taint the floor.
Yes, I'm a tad bit psychotic. I don't have a full sense of humanity. And nothing can justify these things.
Though, in my defense, I'm not being a hippie or animal rights activist. I'm just putting myself in their situations. Creatures have rights to live... although that's contradicted with the whole "eat or be eaten/kill or be killed" thing. Oh well, conflicting interests are awesome. Half n' Half, the best. Oh well, not my fault some animals are delicious. Ah whatever.

That's all I've got to say. I feel much better now that I have all that off my mind.
 
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