(warning: parody coming up. don't take anything seriously)
I hate nintendo. I fiddled with some things I wasn't supposed to do fiddle with according to the EULA, jammed it up with some illegal software that I didn't bother to verify and put some supposedly warezedhackzored imago from a game (I guess it was a wii one) on something that may have once been a blank DVD. The result...IT DIDN'T WORK!!!
But it got worse: I tried getting some help, but not only does this community require you to be some kind of Sherlock Einstein (cMIOS? HBC? Firmware? Isn't anyone speaking ENGLISH here?), they also want to know what I
DID to my wii to make it explode. I mean...WHAT KIND OF CUSTOMER SUPPORT IS THAT!?!1?
Not that the wii is worth hacking, by the way. It has all these pansy "wii love you"-hippy kind of games. Fun for everyone? Everyone can play? A
family console? WTF...do I
LOOK like I'm letting anyone come within 5 square miles of my console or something?
But noo....nintendo sure doesn't get the message: games aren't made for diehard gamers without a social life anymore. Games that introduce ponyrides, crayon painting, cheer leading, IQ tests, cooking or *GASP* SPORTS GAMES!!! And no...not the kewl button bashing games, but games where you actually have to MOVE YOUR A**! I mean...WTF? Since when does a True Gamer? get out of his couch anyway?
And what is nintendo thinking with all that? Oh, sure, they can't really be blamed 'cause most of the shovelware is produced by third parties. And nobody is forcing anyone to buy those games. But we all know these are flawed arguments. What's going on is that those games ruin our reputation. The standard gaming geek used to be fat, lazy, dressed in black and had a pair of glasses so thick it was bulletproof. But with games like that...what will become of our reputation!? Before you know it, the general public will see gamers as trim, intelligent or even SEXY persons. And we can't have THAT, can we? We must stop nintendo
before they totally ruin our reputation!!!1!!!*internet drama icon*
...and that's not even the worst. No...the worst part of not having all those bad games actually existing on this planet is that it somehow diminishes the amount of GOOD games that are going to be made (how I know? Intuïtion...y'all take my word for it). And am I so far wrong? There's about 4'203'450'978 games aimed for kids out there (give or take a couple) and nearly NONE for real men. I mean...why is NMH so dimmed down on the PAL version? Why can't I find decent pornography games on this thing? Where is "Playboy mansiion manager"? There's no "Leisure suit Larry in the land of Sodom and Gomorra" either! And don't get me started on the abscence of "Wii whip" (the wiimote would be AWESOME for some hot, steamy BDSM-games)!
...and YES, I
know about the wiibrator. Nice going there, nintendo.
Young adult boys used to be your cornerstone of your market appeal. Yet I still have to do all my yanking myself, where girls get all the satisfaction they want from their precious console.
In conclusion: I hate nintendo. And I know what I'm talking about, 'cause I've bought 6 consoles, 17 wiimotes, 9 motion-plus'es, 13 nunchuks, 7 brands of wii guitars, enough games to fill a gaming store, 3 classic controllers, 13 other joysticks, 12 dance mats and a trampoliine.
BUT NINTENDO ISN'T GOING TO STEAL MY FUN ANYMORE!!!
