'Twas the fifth of december in the summer of 1943. Many younglings galavanted about the rosemary bush, engaging in many acts of reindeer
games and other such tiddlywinks as those types of milquetoast individuals would perform.
"Murble," cried a gaily-feather'd mooncalf by the name of Glockenspiel. "Looketh now lads, here cometh Esperanza. Come, let us point
our fingers at him and make merry giggles." And so they did.
"Villains!" Cried he of the name, "How dareth thou pointeth thy elongated phalanges at me and make gay times for one and all! Taketh
this, thou saucy fellow, and be gone with ye!" Crying, Esperanza lifted from the ground with his mighty torso a jagged rock which he tossed
with relative ease at Glockenspiel, causing him to fall stone dead upon the cold, hard great green grass of that most hilly brush.
"Jesus Christ!" Yelled one of the villains. He then tossed a worm at Esperanza. He yelled in pain as the worm cut him with a shiv
that was among its person. Esperanza then snapped the worm's neck, and tossed the shiv at the villain who had tossed the thing initially,
removing his head from his vandalous body.
"Bringeth thou on, thou knaves... if you've got the grapes!" The others, so frightened by Esperanza's murderous actions, at once fled
from that place, but they tripped upon their flimsy ankles, and at once gave up the ghost.
Esperanza, hands on his hips, tee-hee'd mercilessly at the corpses of his victims. Just then, a vampiric ninja swum his way across the
pavement towards our hero, drinking the blood of many innocent worms as he did so.
"I take it ye be he," saith the monster.
"I be." Replied he, as he squinted his eyes at him with a murderous rage.
"I see. I challenge ye to a duel, to avenge my fallen compatriots that you so ruthlessly smote! Hi-yah!" The vampire ninja then fired
a blast from his eyeball lazers at Esperanza, removing his arm. The armless hero cried out in pain, as he remembered the wonderful times he and
his once-attached body part had shared.
"Thou shalt pay for thy crimes today, ten hundred fold!" Saith the hero, grasping his arm and smacking the vampire ninja several times
across the face. The vampire shouted out in pain, as recently-removed limbs were his one weakness. "Zoomu, PUNCHU!!" Shouted Esperanza, as his
arm suddenly extended nearly twelve feet, and he thrust his other arm through the ninja's chest, removing the creature's heart, and crushing it
right before his eyes. The demonic assassin was no more.
"Phew. T'was a tough fight if I do say so myself, and I do..." thought Esperanza. He then consumed his lost arm, as is tradition amongst
warriors of his ilk, and returned at once to his humble abode.
That night, as he lay in bed, a catperson snuck through his window and at once begun to nibble on his liver.
"Och, my liver!!" Shouted Esperanza in a huff. The catpersons jumped back.
"Heh," she grinned, "thou art a strong warrior at heart to awaken. Most do not ken of my prescence til their liver be digesting in my
belly." She put her hand on her hip, "But tis not the end, good sir. For thy liver shall be mine!"
"I think not! I would sooner die than be rid of my innards."
"That, my friend, can be arranged..." the catperson then meowed three times and leapt at Esperanza, cleaving his eyeball from his
socket.
"Thou knave! Twas my good eye!" He then gripped the catperson by the tail, swinging her around many times (her meowing ceaslessly all
the while) until he at once begun smashing her into the ground again and again. He then ripped her tail from her body, ripped open her
gullet, and proceeded to strangle the creature with her own intestines.
"Hold, at once I say, hold!" Cried she. Esperanza relented, and begun to stare deep into her soul.
"Speak thy peace, villain, at once!"
"Um... could we call it a draw?" With a furious rage, Esperanza grapped the female catgirl and curbstomped her into his window, blasting
her for all time.
"Blast and botheration!" He shouted, "To have lost an arm and my eye in one day... such a pity. Such a pity." He then tore the catgirl
eye out of her face, and tried to reatach it to himself, to no avail. He sighed a deep sigh, and returned to his slumber.
The next day, Esperanza awoke, content. He stepped out of his bed, squishing his eyeball beneath his heel. "Darn," he said. "Looks like
I botched that one..." he then went to shower, nibbling a bit of catgirl jerky as he did so (though the soap from his hair did not increase the
taste). Leaping from the shower, he slipped and struck his noggin against the sink, and he knew no more...
Awakening, he found a gaggle of gadabouts consuming the flesh of the catgirl, and the eye jelly near his resting place.
"Ah, Esperanza, glad to see you're awake," one of the fools said, consuming eyeball jelly on rye. "Twas quite unexpected to find you
taken out by your own bathroom sink! Not how you expected leaping from the shower with a wet body would turn out, eh? I made the same mistake
myself I did, just t'other day, in fact."
"What is thy game, you band of fools, you?"
"Ehehe, ehehehe." Laughed a member, "Wouldn't you like to know?"
"I would, actually."
"Well, in that case... that catgirl there; Glorious Catpersons was her name - she was a friend of ours, see? And we do not take too
kindly to your actions against our fellow compatriot. I reckon ye shall pay for such misdeeds."
"Reckon, you say? You shall do so... reckon your reckoning, that is!" Esperanza then shouted a supersonic screech, erupting the ears of
all present, save himself. He released himself from his binds, and quickly decapitated all present. He then wiped his hands of the whole
situation, and begun to feast upon the flesh and blood of his fallen foes. He then took a long nap, sleeping for one thousand years...
It is the distant future, the distant future...
"This must be the distant future," thought Esperanza. "The year 3018...! Or something similar..." Just then, a mushroom head'd youth
sprung from his cover betwixt a rock and two sets of teeth, blasting his ray gun in the general area of our hero. "Yow!" He shouted, as the
blast removed two of his fingers. "What is the meaning of this?!"
"Enough!" Cried mushroom head. "What art thou doing in so and such a place? Speaketh now, or I shalt blast ye again!"
"I know not. I was sleeping for the past one thousand years, you see. And as I awoke, you suddenly blasted off my fingers! And for that,
thou shalt pay dearly! Most dearly indeed! Wryyyyyyy!!" Esperanza then leapt into the air, in a stance that had both perfect offensive and
defensive properties, and glode down like a pig on the wing, removing the mushroom head's mushroom.
"Darn." He said, dying.
"Niceu," Sir Esperanza said, yoinking the ray gun from the youth's cold, dead hands. "Hm, what other functions does this contraption
hold?" Sir Esperanza asked himself. "Body-part returning function? How quaint." He then held the button as his fingers reatached themselves.
But, alas, there was no return of his eye or his arm, as t'was many years in the past. "Well, at least I have my fingers!"
Just then, a vampire ninja erupted from the ground, slashing both of Esperanza's achilles tendons. He shouted in pain, as the
vampire sucked the blood from him with his ninjitsu.
"Tehehehe," laughed the monster. "Long has it been, my search for you. I shall avenge my fallen brother, who you slew lo one thousand
years ago!"
Our hero fell, unable to stand from his injuries, as the creature prepared to destroy him in a sea of ninpo. Just then, his head
imploded within itself, as a sweetdelicious babelian from outerspace appeared atop a velociraptor with drills for arms and the body of a horse.
"Art thou safe now, citizen?" Asked the babe alien (or babelian for short).
"Yes, I am fine now. I thank you." He then restored his tendons with his lazer ray, and stood, took a bow, and asked what he could do
to repay her.
"Your safety is enough for me. Are you new to this time period? You smell of the year 2000 or so to me..."
"Indeed," replied the armless hero, "I have just awoken in this strange place from an era long since gone..."
"A pity. A real pity. Hop atop my robotic drill-armed velociraptor horse (RDVH for short) and let us ride to a place a bit safer." He
did so.
As they rode along on the mighty RDVH, they passed the home of a happy robot family, engaged in a bit of the ol' pigskin tossin'. The
babelian suddenly leapt from her steed, dismanteling a young robot child for no apparent reason. Papa robot was in a huff, and rushed towards
the alien, drill arms a-drillin', ready to overthrow her... over a cliff; or something.
"Let us away!" She gave a shout, as she jumped atop her trusty organic vehicle, as they rode off into the sunset...
For many miles they rode, trailed, of course, by a most angry father. They stopped at a Wallgreens, and hid amongst the wreckage as
the father ran about, tossing many ointments and topicals around in his search for the murderous alien. As they cowered in fear, Esperanza
suddenly remembered that he could turn his arm into a drill, and dug deep into the earth to safety.
In the underground, the trio (Esperanza, the alien, and her mighty steed) found a society of disenfranchized aliens, living in fear
from the mutated zombie-demons that ruled the land above. Our eyeless hero eyed a most beautiful robot girl, with pink ribbons and a fax
spitting from her mouth, and at once engaged in consensual sex with the robot girl, much to the dismay of his compatriots.
"Was this absolutley necessary?"
"And was it necessary to have dismanteled that young robot child? No? Then do not judge me, ye extraterrestrial!"
"Fair play, bro. Fair play."
Just then, the robot father fell from the land above, seeing our hero in bed with the robot girl.
"Papa?" She exclaimed.
"Oh, you have got to be kidding me..." Esperanza said, rolling his eyes.
With a murderous rage, the robotic patriarch leapt atop Esperanza, melting his face off with his microwave mouth. Suddenly, RDVH leapt
to his aid, slamming the robotic dad into the wall with his drill arms, as he blew fire from his nostrils into him, burning the father to ashes.
"No!!" Cried the robotic daughter, holding his ashes in her arms. "Y-you monster. How could you?!"
"I do what I must, lass... for freedom." Replied the robotic drill-armed velociraptor horse.
Esperanza and the alien exchanged glances. "Did you know he could talk?" Esperanza asked.
"Didn't have a clue," she shrugged in response.
Restoring his ruined face to normal with the velociraptor's cure breath, the trio resumed their journey, as Esperanza turned his gaze
to the girl's fallen father, as he shed a single tear.
"Don't tell me you actually had feelings for that metalic girl," the alien asked.
"Of course not. Someone must be slicing onions." RDVH and the babelian shook their heads, and the legend continues...
As the three arrived in town, they stopped at a bar in a one-horse town... and took a seat next to a most dangerous looking crazy man.
"Three beers, please," saith the alien, raising her fingers to the sky to draw attention.
"I'll pass. I don't drink," said Esperanza.
"They aren't for you, ya fool!" She said, gulping the drinks down in one fell swoop. Esperanza looked to the dinosaur horse in shock,
but he just shrugged.
"You guys... wouldn't happen to wanna do an old man a favor?" Asked the crazy person, sitting adjacent to our hero.
"Do you want us to euthanize you, old man?" Asked the babelian. "It'll cost ya."
"Nothing quite like that. Th' name's Crazy Steve, and have I got some treasure for you. There is a cave nearby, you see. A cave of
wonder. Inside there is a grand treasure, the booty of a gaggle of alien coyotes. I saw 'em deposit their treasure there, I did. Saw it with
my own two eyeballs! If you strappin' young laddies wish to make a quick buck or three, t'would be worth your while.
The RVDH scratched his chin. "What do you guys think? Besides it sounding super shady, of course."
"I mean, his name IS Crazy Steve. I don't think a sane man would have a name like that," Esperanza said. "Regardless, there are some
crazy things out there. I say we're in!"
"Fine, me too. Maybe these coyotes have a flying saucer? Would be pretty helpful." Said the alien.
"Then it's settled!" Crazy Steve exclaimed. "Let us away, at once!"
Journeying many days, the trio, led by their insane guide, at last came to the cave, which was really just a hole in some sand by the
looks of things.
"There it is. Head inside, their diamonds await within," said Crazy Steve, as he laughed maniacally.
"Um, I'm starting to regret having come here," said RDVH. "Are you two sure this is a good idea?"
"Uh, no," said the alien. "But we came this far. Esperanza, go check it out."
"Wh~ but it's spooky! There could be spiders in there!" He replied.
"Fine, ya pansy. I'll go," said the alien. She got on her hands and knees, and crawled inside of the hole. She crawled, and crawled,
and crawled... and then she crawled some more afterwards. Many moments later she still found herself crawling, until she came at last to a
lit enclosure, with sparkling diamonds all around. "Egad!" She exclaimed. "All this treasure... it is now belong to me!" She went to collect
the bounty, but suddenly tripped over a marble, and her neck fell into piano wire, almost slitting her throat.
Just then, two zombie-demons leapt forth, wielding axes, as they prepared to chop into her neck. She let out a scream, and everything
went black.
Meanwhile, the robotic drill-armed velociraptor horse, the eyeless hero and the crazy man himself sat down to a little game of poker,
when they suddenly heard the screams of their lady-friend from outerspace.
"Whoza-whatsa-bo-booza!" Exclaimed RDVH in horror. "That sounds like our homie is in trouble! Henshin!!" Suddenly, the dinosaur
transformed into a gigantic drilling vehicle, thirty feet long and forty feet thick, and he drilled deep into the sand, impaling the villanous
vandals.
"Thank you, robotic drill-armed velociraptor horse. You saved my life," the alien said, hugging him.
"All in a day's work, lass. All in a day's work..."
"Looky looky, y'all!" Exclaimed Esperanza, as he held the diamonds in his grubby hands. "We're rich!"
"No. Look closelier," saith the alien, pointing. Many bones of humans, dinosaurs and aliens lay strewn about.
"Well, well," said the crazy man, "looks like you discovered my secret." He said, chewing the arm of a coyote, "I'm afraid this is the
end of the road for you."
"You monster!" Said the extraterrestrial, "It seems you are a serial killer, of a very specific group of trios!"
"Yeah, and now it is time to say goodbye. Farewell!" He shot his hookgun into Esperanza, impaling him through his chest, pulling his
heart from his body. "Nwehehehe! I am soooooo evil!"
"Esperanza!" Shouted RDVH. "You fiend!" He prepared to breathe fire upon the murderer, but he was suddenly struck by lightning and bit
by a cobra, and his drill-arms fell from his body. "Neigh..." he cried.
"And all that is left, is you..." but before he could act, a spaceship of alien coyotes suddenly appeared, and evaporated him to death
with a deadly mega death ray from their ship. They gave a little salute, and were off.
"My steed, are you okay?" Asked the babelian, falling to her knees. "Oh, this is all my fault."
"Indeed, but I shall only blame you the normal amount," the now RVH said, smiling.
"You were a good friend. I shall not forget you..." she went to close his eyelids, but he smacked her hand away with his tail.
"I'm not dead yet, you fool!"
"Oh. Right." She turned to check on Esperanza, but she found him with mouth open, black blood coming from his mouth with a look of
utter terror, stone dead. "Esperanza? Hey, quit kidding around!" She tried to tickle his belly, but he moved not. His ghost had been given.
"Say it ain't so," cried the RVH. "Say it ain't so!!"
"It is so... he is no more..." The friends sat near their fallen ally for several seconds, in utter silence, til they became bored and
at once left that place. They resumed their journey, with only one quick glance behind them at their fallen buddy.
Esperanza Cordova, died February 1st, 3018... may he rest in the loving arms of God... farewell, space cowboy.
games and other such tiddlywinks as those types of milquetoast individuals would perform.
"Murble," cried a gaily-feather'd mooncalf by the name of Glockenspiel. "Looketh now lads, here cometh Esperanza. Come, let us point
our fingers at him and make merry giggles." And so they did.
"Villains!" Cried he of the name, "How dareth thou pointeth thy elongated phalanges at me and make gay times for one and all! Taketh
this, thou saucy fellow, and be gone with ye!" Crying, Esperanza lifted from the ground with his mighty torso a jagged rock which he tossed
with relative ease at Glockenspiel, causing him to fall stone dead upon the cold, hard great green grass of that most hilly brush.
"Jesus Christ!" Yelled one of the villains. He then tossed a worm at Esperanza. He yelled in pain as the worm cut him with a shiv
that was among its person. Esperanza then snapped the worm's neck, and tossed the shiv at the villain who had tossed the thing initially,
removing his head from his vandalous body.
"Bringeth thou on, thou knaves... if you've got the grapes!" The others, so frightened by Esperanza's murderous actions, at once fled
from that place, but they tripped upon their flimsy ankles, and at once gave up the ghost.
Esperanza, hands on his hips, tee-hee'd mercilessly at the corpses of his victims. Just then, a vampiric ninja swum his way across the
pavement towards our hero, drinking the blood of many innocent worms as he did so.
"I take it ye be he," saith the monster.
"I be." Replied he, as he squinted his eyes at him with a murderous rage.
"I see. I challenge ye to a duel, to avenge my fallen compatriots that you so ruthlessly smote! Hi-yah!" The vampire ninja then fired
a blast from his eyeball lazers at Esperanza, removing his arm. The armless hero cried out in pain, as he remembered the wonderful times he and
his once-attached body part had shared.
"Thou shalt pay for thy crimes today, ten hundred fold!" Saith the hero, grasping his arm and smacking the vampire ninja several times
across the face. The vampire shouted out in pain, as recently-removed limbs were his one weakness. "Zoomu, PUNCHU!!" Shouted Esperanza, as his
arm suddenly extended nearly twelve feet, and he thrust his other arm through the ninja's chest, removing the creature's heart, and crushing it
right before his eyes. The demonic assassin was no more.
"Phew. T'was a tough fight if I do say so myself, and I do..." thought Esperanza. He then consumed his lost arm, as is tradition amongst
warriors of his ilk, and returned at once to his humble abode.
That night, as he lay in bed, a catperson snuck through his window and at once begun to nibble on his liver.
"Och, my liver!!" Shouted Esperanza in a huff. The catpersons jumped back.
"Heh," she grinned, "thou art a strong warrior at heart to awaken. Most do not ken of my prescence til their liver be digesting in my
belly." She put her hand on her hip, "But tis not the end, good sir. For thy liver shall be mine!"
"I think not! I would sooner die than be rid of my innards."
"That, my friend, can be arranged..." the catperson then meowed three times and leapt at Esperanza, cleaving his eyeball from his
socket.
"Thou knave! Twas my good eye!" He then gripped the catperson by the tail, swinging her around many times (her meowing ceaslessly all
the while) until he at once begun smashing her into the ground again and again. He then ripped her tail from her body, ripped open her
gullet, and proceeded to strangle the creature with her own intestines.
"Hold, at once I say, hold!" Cried she. Esperanza relented, and begun to stare deep into her soul.
"Speak thy peace, villain, at once!"
"Um... could we call it a draw?" With a furious rage, Esperanza grapped the female catgirl and curbstomped her into his window, blasting
her for all time.
"Blast and botheration!" He shouted, "To have lost an arm and my eye in one day... such a pity. Such a pity." He then tore the catgirl
eye out of her face, and tried to reatach it to himself, to no avail. He sighed a deep sigh, and returned to his slumber.
The next day, Esperanza awoke, content. He stepped out of his bed, squishing his eyeball beneath his heel. "Darn," he said. "Looks like
I botched that one..." he then went to shower, nibbling a bit of catgirl jerky as he did so (though the soap from his hair did not increase the
taste). Leaping from the shower, he slipped and struck his noggin against the sink, and he knew no more...
Awakening, he found a gaggle of gadabouts consuming the flesh of the catgirl, and the eye jelly near his resting place.
"Ah, Esperanza, glad to see you're awake," one of the fools said, consuming eyeball jelly on rye. "Twas quite unexpected to find you
taken out by your own bathroom sink! Not how you expected leaping from the shower with a wet body would turn out, eh? I made the same mistake
myself I did, just t'other day, in fact."
"What is thy game, you band of fools, you?"
"Ehehe, ehehehe." Laughed a member, "Wouldn't you like to know?"
"I would, actually."
"Well, in that case... that catgirl there; Glorious Catpersons was her name - she was a friend of ours, see? And we do not take too
kindly to your actions against our fellow compatriot. I reckon ye shall pay for such misdeeds."
"Reckon, you say? You shall do so... reckon your reckoning, that is!" Esperanza then shouted a supersonic screech, erupting the ears of
all present, save himself. He released himself from his binds, and quickly decapitated all present. He then wiped his hands of the whole
situation, and begun to feast upon the flesh and blood of his fallen foes. He then took a long nap, sleeping for one thousand years...
It is the distant future, the distant future...
"This must be the distant future," thought Esperanza. "The year 3018...! Or something similar..." Just then, a mushroom head'd youth
sprung from his cover betwixt a rock and two sets of teeth, blasting his ray gun in the general area of our hero. "Yow!" He shouted, as the
blast removed two of his fingers. "What is the meaning of this?!"
"Enough!" Cried mushroom head. "What art thou doing in so and such a place? Speaketh now, or I shalt blast ye again!"
"I know not. I was sleeping for the past one thousand years, you see. And as I awoke, you suddenly blasted off my fingers! And for that,
thou shalt pay dearly! Most dearly indeed! Wryyyyyyy!!" Esperanza then leapt into the air, in a stance that had both perfect offensive and
defensive properties, and glode down like a pig on the wing, removing the mushroom head's mushroom.
"Darn." He said, dying.
"Niceu," Sir Esperanza said, yoinking the ray gun from the youth's cold, dead hands. "Hm, what other functions does this contraption
hold?" Sir Esperanza asked himself. "Body-part returning function? How quaint." He then held the button as his fingers reatached themselves.
But, alas, there was no return of his eye or his arm, as t'was many years in the past. "Well, at least I have my fingers!"
Just then, a vampire ninja erupted from the ground, slashing both of Esperanza's achilles tendons. He shouted in pain, as the
vampire sucked the blood from him with his ninjitsu.
"Tehehehe," laughed the monster. "Long has it been, my search for you. I shall avenge my fallen brother, who you slew lo one thousand
years ago!"
Our hero fell, unable to stand from his injuries, as the creature prepared to destroy him in a sea of ninpo. Just then, his head
imploded within itself, as a sweetdelicious babelian from outerspace appeared atop a velociraptor with drills for arms and the body of a horse.
"Art thou safe now, citizen?" Asked the babe alien (or babelian for short).
"Yes, I am fine now. I thank you." He then restored his tendons with his lazer ray, and stood, took a bow, and asked what he could do
to repay her.
"Your safety is enough for me. Are you new to this time period? You smell of the year 2000 or so to me..."
"Indeed," replied the armless hero, "I have just awoken in this strange place from an era long since gone..."
"A pity. A real pity. Hop atop my robotic drill-armed velociraptor horse (RDVH for short) and let us ride to a place a bit safer." He
did so.
As they rode along on the mighty RDVH, they passed the home of a happy robot family, engaged in a bit of the ol' pigskin tossin'. The
babelian suddenly leapt from her steed, dismanteling a young robot child for no apparent reason. Papa robot was in a huff, and rushed towards
the alien, drill arms a-drillin', ready to overthrow her... over a cliff; or something.
"Let us away!" She gave a shout, as she jumped atop her trusty organic vehicle, as they rode off into the sunset...
For many miles they rode, trailed, of course, by a most angry father. They stopped at a Wallgreens, and hid amongst the wreckage as
the father ran about, tossing many ointments and topicals around in his search for the murderous alien. As they cowered in fear, Esperanza
suddenly remembered that he could turn his arm into a drill, and dug deep into the earth to safety.
In the underground, the trio (Esperanza, the alien, and her mighty steed) found a society of disenfranchized aliens, living in fear
from the mutated zombie-demons that ruled the land above. Our eyeless hero eyed a most beautiful robot girl, with pink ribbons and a fax
spitting from her mouth, and at once engaged in consensual sex with the robot girl, much to the dismay of his compatriots.
"Was this absolutley necessary?"
"And was it necessary to have dismanteled that young robot child? No? Then do not judge me, ye extraterrestrial!"
"Fair play, bro. Fair play."
Just then, the robot father fell from the land above, seeing our hero in bed with the robot girl.
"Papa?" She exclaimed.
"Oh, you have got to be kidding me..." Esperanza said, rolling his eyes.
With a murderous rage, the robotic patriarch leapt atop Esperanza, melting his face off with his microwave mouth. Suddenly, RDVH leapt
to his aid, slamming the robotic dad into the wall with his drill arms, as he blew fire from his nostrils into him, burning the father to ashes.
"No!!" Cried the robotic daughter, holding his ashes in her arms. "Y-you monster. How could you?!"
"I do what I must, lass... for freedom." Replied the robotic drill-armed velociraptor horse.
Esperanza and the alien exchanged glances. "Did you know he could talk?" Esperanza asked.
"Didn't have a clue," she shrugged in response.
Restoring his ruined face to normal with the velociraptor's cure breath, the trio resumed their journey, as Esperanza turned his gaze
to the girl's fallen father, as he shed a single tear.
"Don't tell me you actually had feelings for that metalic girl," the alien asked.
"Of course not. Someone must be slicing onions." RDVH and the babelian shook their heads, and the legend continues...
As the three arrived in town, they stopped at a bar in a one-horse town... and took a seat next to a most dangerous looking crazy man.
"Three beers, please," saith the alien, raising her fingers to the sky to draw attention.
"I'll pass. I don't drink," said Esperanza.
"They aren't for you, ya fool!" She said, gulping the drinks down in one fell swoop. Esperanza looked to the dinosaur horse in shock,
but he just shrugged.
"You guys... wouldn't happen to wanna do an old man a favor?" Asked the crazy person, sitting adjacent to our hero.
"Do you want us to euthanize you, old man?" Asked the babelian. "It'll cost ya."
"Nothing quite like that. Th' name's Crazy Steve, and have I got some treasure for you. There is a cave nearby, you see. A cave of
wonder. Inside there is a grand treasure, the booty of a gaggle of alien coyotes. I saw 'em deposit their treasure there, I did. Saw it with
my own two eyeballs! If you strappin' young laddies wish to make a quick buck or three, t'would be worth your while.
The RVDH scratched his chin. "What do you guys think? Besides it sounding super shady, of course."
"I mean, his name IS Crazy Steve. I don't think a sane man would have a name like that," Esperanza said. "Regardless, there are some
crazy things out there. I say we're in!"
"Fine, me too. Maybe these coyotes have a flying saucer? Would be pretty helpful." Said the alien.
"Then it's settled!" Crazy Steve exclaimed. "Let us away, at once!"
Journeying many days, the trio, led by their insane guide, at last came to the cave, which was really just a hole in some sand by the
looks of things.
"There it is. Head inside, their diamonds await within," said Crazy Steve, as he laughed maniacally.
"Um, I'm starting to regret having come here," said RDVH. "Are you two sure this is a good idea?"
"Uh, no," said the alien. "But we came this far. Esperanza, go check it out."
"Wh~ but it's spooky! There could be spiders in there!" He replied.
"Fine, ya pansy. I'll go," said the alien. She got on her hands and knees, and crawled inside of the hole. She crawled, and crawled,
and crawled... and then she crawled some more afterwards. Many moments later she still found herself crawling, until she came at last to a
lit enclosure, with sparkling diamonds all around. "Egad!" She exclaimed. "All this treasure... it is now belong to me!" She went to collect
the bounty, but suddenly tripped over a marble, and her neck fell into piano wire, almost slitting her throat.
Just then, two zombie-demons leapt forth, wielding axes, as they prepared to chop into her neck. She let out a scream, and everything
went black.
Meanwhile, the robotic drill-armed velociraptor horse, the eyeless hero and the crazy man himself sat down to a little game of poker,
when they suddenly heard the screams of their lady-friend from outerspace.
"Whoza-whatsa-bo-booza!" Exclaimed RDVH in horror. "That sounds like our homie is in trouble! Henshin!!" Suddenly, the dinosaur
transformed into a gigantic drilling vehicle, thirty feet long and forty feet thick, and he drilled deep into the sand, impaling the villanous
vandals.
"Thank you, robotic drill-armed velociraptor horse. You saved my life," the alien said, hugging him.
"All in a day's work, lass. All in a day's work..."
"Looky looky, y'all!" Exclaimed Esperanza, as he held the diamonds in his grubby hands. "We're rich!"
"No. Look closelier," saith the alien, pointing. Many bones of humans, dinosaurs and aliens lay strewn about.
"Well, well," said the crazy man, "looks like you discovered my secret." He said, chewing the arm of a coyote, "I'm afraid this is the
end of the road for you."
"You monster!" Said the extraterrestrial, "It seems you are a serial killer, of a very specific group of trios!"
"Yeah, and now it is time to say goodbye. Farewell!" He shot his hookgun into Esperanza, impaling him through his chest, pulling his
heart from his body. "Nwehehehe! I am soooooo evil!"
"Esperanza!" Shouted RDVH. "You fiend!" He prepared to breathe fire upon the murderer, but he was suddenly struck by lightning and bit
by a cobra, and his drill-arms fell from his body. "Neigh..." he cried.
"And all that is left, is you..." but before he could act, a spaceship of alien coyotes suddenly appeared, and evaporated him to death
with a deadly mega death ray from their ship. They gave a little salute, and were off.
"My steed, are you okay?" Asked the babelian, falling to her knees. "Oh, this is all my fault."
"Indeed, but I shall only blame you the normal amount," the now RVH said, smiling.
"You were a good friend. I shall not forget you..." she went to close his eyelids, but he smacked her hand away with his tail.
"I'm not dead yet, you fool!"
"Oh. Right." She turned to check on Esperanza, but she found him with mouth open, black blood coming from his mouth with a look of
utter terror, stone dead. "Esperanza? Hey, quit kidding around!" She tried to tickle his belly, but he moved not. His ghost had been given.
"Say it ain't so," cried the RVH. "Say it ain't so!!"
"It is so... he is no more..." The friends sat near their fallen ally for several seconds, in utter silence, til they became bored and
at once left that place. They resumed their journey, with only one quick glance behind them at their fallen buddy.
Esperanza Cordova, died February 1st, 3018... may he rest in the loving arms of God... farewell, space cowboy.
