It has been a while since I posted a blog here telling of my daring exploits. People have asked me - nay, begged me to return and tell my tale. But though I heard the cries of the people - alas, I did not care.
Quarantined in my self-made igloo with my childselves, I fear I have begun to lose my mind. The way they prance about, not lifting their feet from the snow - merely dragging their heels about has only managed to infuriate me. I fear I shall lose my composure before long.
T'other day a bonny lass a-came knock-knock-knockin' on my igloo door - I went forward to answer, perhaps they sought refuge in my abode. Or so I hoped. But nay, it was not so! For as I moved my igloo door, a vile miscreant came swooping in from above, giggling, laughing, and tee-heeing all the while.
"Villain!" I shrieked. "What is it you want with me?!"
"Nyohohoho," oddly laughed the fiend, "I have come to eat your soul! Prepare yourself, ice badger!"
"Just try - knave." I saith unto him.
In the blink of an eye with a flurry of snow, the dastard swooped down towards me and my childselves -
"Kyah! Kyah!" My children cried like little anime girls.
"Quiet! This is no time for tears, my other selves! This is the time" - here I put on a pair of sunglasses "for action!"
Firing a barrage of icicles from my eye sockets at the creature, I struck them thrice presently - one in both wings, and one on their navel.
"Nyoooooooooork!" They shouted bizarrely.
"Hmph. Speak thy peace, vandal," I said, striding closer towards them with my octopus tentacles, "tell me - who do you work for?"
"I ain't tellin' you nothin'" they responded, closing one eye.
"Hm. Is that so?" I turned around, my back facing them. "Then I'm sure you wouldn't mind - if I did this!" I produced from behind my back the secret of secrets.
"No. No, it can't be. Not that! Anything but that!!!!"
"Yes, I'm afraid it's true." For in my hands I held it - both Blade Runner movies. Some of the most boringnest things any mortal has ever been forced to look upon with their own two eyeballs.
"If you do not tell me, then I suppose you wouldn't mind if I just turned on all versions of the two movies... and sat a television right in front of you... forcing your eyes open, like in A Clockwork Orange?"
"Please no! Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!"
"Then talk!" I shouted, pounding one of my tentacles against the wall.
"Fine," the lass responded at last, "I will tell you. But please - do not force me to experience those pieces of media again."
"I'm listening. Speak." From my eyes I shot out an ice beam, quickly crafted a chair out of it within 2.5 seconds and took a seat, my legs crossed. My offspring surrounded me on all sides, seated about me and waited patiently like it was story time.
"It all began one thousand-five-hundred years ago," said the monstrous lass, "t'was the day when ice badgers were first come into this world. They fought for dominance against all other species, mercilessly turning them into igloos and performing various acts of breakdancing and discovery. On that day, a certain man wandered the world beneath his feet - hungering for both knowledge, and food. After nearly collapsing from exhaustion, he found himself in the land of the ice badgers. They nursed him back to health with water mixed with badger milk, and after a few days he was good as new. He fell in love with a multi-gendered badger gal by the name of Boldisha, and the two of them quietly planned to elope one day and marry. The man told his bride-to-be that he would return five days hence, once he had found his bride a suitable present. But he never returned. She waited for him until her soul was turned into a skeleton at long last, and then she continued waiting. But the man never returned.
Seventy-five years later, the man returned for his bride, but found that she was no more. Though she could asexually reproduce, she declined to do so as she had promised herself to the man. And that is why I am here today."
"Wait. That didn't explain anything. What did that story have to do with you?"
"Oh wait. Sorry, my bad. Told the wrong bit of exposition. Hehe." I smacked a tentacle across her face. "Yow!"
"I knew you weren't the brightest cookie in the cookie patch, but that right there really took the cake. Ugh... now tell me the real reason you're here. Now."
"I was waiting, you see."
"Waiting for what?" I asked.
"For that."
"Huh?" A wrecking ball of considerable size and weight smashed through the roof of my home, crushing a few of my childselves to jelly.
"Mouse-mouse-mouse-mouse!" Laughed a gray kitten atop a city-planning vehicle. "It is I, Mouser!" The feline murbled three times. "You thought you had blasted me, but now it is I that shall blast you! To the Earth, that is! MOUSE!" The Mouser prepared to set the wrecking ball once more towards my person, but with my lightning-fast reflexes, I performed two double-alligator backflips in a row, kicked off the face of the lass pinned to my igloo and shot three ice beams at the Mouser's face.
"You've tried that trick before, mouse! And it shall not work on me again!" The Mouser murfled with great anger, "Now, begone!" The kitten grasped a mega-death ray, and prepared to fire it at me. I sideflipped seven consecutive times to dodge the rays, but on the eighth jump, I found myself pinned from behind. The lass had me in some form of martial artist's hold!"
"That's good, slave!" Yelled the Mouser with glee, "hold that saucy fellow for me, baby!"
"Yes, O my master!" The kitten's servant said, closing their eyes, preparing for death.
"What are you doing?" I pleaded with the creature. "You'll die too!"
"It will be worth it... so that we can be rid of you."
"Now, hold still, murble." The kitten proclaimed as she charged up her laser.
Wondering how I'll get out of this one? Stay tuned, til next time on Badger Ball Z!
Quarantined in my self-made igloo with my childselves, I fear I have begun to lose my mind. The way they prance about, not lifting their feet from the snow - merely dragging their heels about has only managed to infuriate me. I fear I shall lose my composure before long.
T'other day a bonny lass a-came knock-knock-knockin' on my igloo door - I went forward to answer, perhaps they sought refuge in my abode. Or so I hoped. But nay, it was not so! For as I moved my igloo door, a vile miscreant came swooping in from above, giggling, laughing, and tee-heeing all the while.
"Villain!" I shrieked. "What is it you want with me?!"
"Nyohohoho," oddly laughed the fiend, "I have come to eat your soul! Prepare yourself, ice badger!"
"Just try - knave." I saith unto him.
In the blink of an eye with a flurry of snow, the dastard swooped down towards me and my childselves -
"Kyah! Kyah!" My children cried like little anime girls.
"Quiet! This is no time for tears, my other selves! This is the time" - here I put on a pair of sunglasses "for action!"
Firing a barrage of icicles from my eye sockets at the creature, I struck them thrice presently - one in both wings, and one on their navel.
"Nyoooooooooork!" They shouted bizarrely.
"Hmph. Speak thy peace, vandal," I said, striding closer towards them with my octopus tentacles, "tell me - who do you work for?"
"I ain't tellin' you nothin'" they responded, closing one eye.
"Hm. Is that so?" I turned around, my back facing them. "Then I'm sure you wouldn't mind - if I did this!" I produced from behind my back the secret of secrets.
"No. No, it can't be. Not that! Anything but that!!!!"
"Yes, I'm afraid it's true." For in my hands I held it - both Blade Runner movies. Some of the most boringnest things any mortal has ever been forced to look upon with their own two eyeballs.
"If you do not tell me, then I suppose you wouldn't mind if I just turned on all versions of the two movies... and sat a television right in front of you... forcing your eyes open, like in A Clockwork Orange?"
"Please no! Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!"
"Then talk!" I shouted, pounding one of my tentacles against the wall.
"Fine," the lass responded at last, "I will tell you. But please - do not force me to experience those pieces of media again."
"I'm listening. Speak." From my eyes I shot out an ice beam, quickly crafted a chair out of it within 2.5 seconds and took a seat, my legs crossed. My offspring surrounded me on all sides, seated about me and waited patiently like it was story time.
"It all began one thousand-five-hundred years ago," said the monstrous lass, "t'was the day when ice badgers were first come into this world. They fought for dominance against all other species, mercilessly turning them into igloos and performing various acts of breakdancing and discovery. On that day, a certain man wandered the world beneath his feet - hungering for both knowledge, and food. After nearly collapsing from exhaustion, he found himself in the land of the ice badgers. They nursed him back to health with water mixed with badger milk, and after a few days he was good as new. He fell in love with a multi-gendered badger gal by the name of Boldisha, and the two of them quietly planned to elope one day and marry. The man told his bride-to-be that he would return five days hence, once he had found his bride a suitable present. But he never returned. She waited for him until her soul was turned into a skeleton at long last, and then she continued waiting. But the man never returned.
Seventy-five years later, the man returned for his bride, but found that she was no more. Though she could asexually reproduce, she declined to do so as she had promised herself to the man. And that is why I am here today."
"Wait. That didn't explain anything. What did that story have to do with you?"
"Oh wait. Sorry, my bad. Told the wrong bit of exposition. Hehe." I smacked a tentacle across her face. "Yow!"
"I knew you weren't the brightest cookie in the cookie patch, but that right there really took the cake. Ugh... now tell me the real reason you're here. Now."
"I was waiting, you see."
"Waiting for what?" I asked.
"For that."
"Huh?" A wrecking ball of considerable size and weight smashed through the roof of my home, crushing a few of my childselves to jelly.
"Mouse-mouse-mouse-mouse!" Laughed a gray kitten atop a city-planning vehicle. "It is I, Mouser!" The feline murbled three times. "You thought you had blasted me, but now it is I that shall blast you! To the Earth, that is! MOUSE!" The Mouser prepared to set the wrecking ball once more towards my person, but with my lightning-fast reflexes, I performed two double-alligator backflips in a row, kicked off the face of the lass pinned to my igloo and shot three ice beams at the Mouser's face.
"You've tried that trick before, mouse! And it shall not work on me again!" The Mouser murfled with great anger, "Now, begone!" The kitten grasped a mega-death ray, and prepared to fire it at me. I sideflipped seven consecutive times to dodge the rays, but on the eighth jump, I found myself pinned from behind. The lass had me in some form of martial artist's hold!"
"That's good, slave!" Yelled the Mouser with glee, "hold that saucy fellow for me, baby!"
"Yes, O my master!" The kitten's servant said, closing their eyes, preparing for death.
"What are you doing?" I pleaded with the creature. "You'll die too!"
"It will be worth it... so that we can be rid of you."
"Now, hold still, murble." The kitten proclaimed as she charged up her laser.
Wondering how I'll get out of this one? Stay tuned, til next time on Badger Ball Z!
