The Tell-A-Joke Thread

[Ghost]

Is @GhostLatte at it again??

 

[AmandaRose]

"I am writing a film script about going back in time to stop Hitler's parents meeting at the Austrian Enchantment ‘Under The Sea' dance. It's called 'Back to the Fuhrer’!"

 

[Flame]

@AmandaRose i'm going to make you an offer which you can't refuse.

Spoiler

Roses are red Violets are blue, I’d get in the van if I where you…

 

[Alexander1970]

Father buys a Lie Detector that always makes a Noise (a loud "Miiieeeeep") when someone is lying.

The Son comes home in the Afternoon.

Father: Well,you were at School ?
Son: Yes,of course.
Lie Detector: Miiieeeeep.

Son: Ok, I was in the Cinema.
Lie Detector: Miiiiiiiieep.

Son: Okay,was drinking Beer with Friends.

Father: What? At your Age,we never drank Alcohol.
Lie Detector: Miiieeeeep.

Mother laughs: Hahahahah,that is your Son.
Lie Detector: Miiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeep...........

 

[Flame]

Father buys a Lie Detector that always makes a Noise (a loud "Miiieeeeep") when someone is lying.

The Son comes home in the Afternoon.

Father: Well,you were at School ?
Son: Yes,of course.
Lie Detector: Miiieeeeep.

Son: Ok, I was in the Cinema.
Lie Detector: Miiiiiiiieep.

Son: Okay,was drinking Beer with Friends.

Father: What? At your Age,we never drank Alcohol.
Lie Detector: Miiieeeeep.

Mother laughs: Hahahahah,that is your Son.
Lie Detector: Miiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeep...........

why the fuck is it making a Miiiiiiiieep sound. wtf happened to beeep?

 

[IncredulousP]

why the fuck is it making a Miiiiiiiieep sound. wtf happened to beeep?

tinnitus

 

[Flame]

tinnitus

 

[Alexander1970]

why the fuck is it making a Miiiiiiiieep sound. wtf happened to beeep?

Miiiiiiiieep is German for beeep,so hard ?

 

[Veho]

A truck loaded with thousands of copies of Roget's Thesaurus crashed yesterday losing its entire load.
Witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied, confused, shocked, rattled, paralysed, dazed, bewildered, mixed up, surprised, awed, dumbfounded, nonplussed, flabbergasted, astounded, amazed, confounded, astonished, overwhelmed, horrified, numbed, speechless, and perplexed.

 

[AmandaRose]

Someone stole my antidepressants.

Whoever they are, I hope they're happy

 

[Alexander1970]

Not REALLY a Joke...?

An british Men tells this Story:

"My Neighbours rang the Police for me playing Status Quo to loud,so they arrested my Neighbours and took them away."

 

[IncredulousP]

I got amnesia recently. I think I was a detective, but I haven't got a clue.

 

[Uiaad]

Someone stole my antidepressants.

Whoever they are, I hope they're happy

Glad to see some ones been reading my profile posts

 

[AmandaRose]

Glad to see some ones been reading my profile posts

I genuinely never seen that on your profile Uiaad. My doctor actually told me that joke on Monday about 30 seconds after telling me I had to start taking Seroxat Paroxetine again .

Side note (Now I know someone is gonna say wasn't that a bit unprofessional of your doctor to do that and in most circumstances yes it would be if not for the fact we grew up together and have been friends since the age of four)

 

[Uiaad]

Now I know someone is gonna say wasn't that a bit unprofessional of your doctor to do that and in most circumstances yes it would be if not for the fact we grew up together and have been friends since the age of four

Doc should be able to have a joke with patients ... sad 99.99% of them are miserable bastard because they are overworked.

Guess i owe you a couple of jokes now :/


A man goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. He hasn't been feeling well and wants to find out if he's ill. After the checkup the doctor comes out with the results of the examination.

"I'm afraid I have some bad news. You're dying and you don't have much time," the doctor says.

"Oh no, that's terrible. How long have I got?" the man asks.

"10..." says the doctor.

"10? 10 what? Months? Weeks? What?!" he asks desperately.

"10...9...8...7..."

********************************************************

A fellow walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had.
He said, "Shingles."
So she took down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

A few minutes later a nurse's aid came out and asked him what he had.
He said, "Shingles."
So she took down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told him to wait in the examining room.

Ten minutes later a nurse came in and asked him what he had.
He said, "Shingles."
So she gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, told him to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

Fifteen minutes later the doctor came in and asked him what he had.
He said, "Shingles."
The doctor said, "Where?"
He said, "Outside in the truck. Where do you want them?"

 

[AmandaRose]

Did you hear about the optometrist that fell into his lens grinding machine?

He made a spectacle of himself

 

[AmandaRose]

I went to the doctor this morning and told him I felt run down. ‘Why do you feel that?’ he asked. ‘Because,’ I replied, ‘I’ve got tire marks on my legs.

 

[Alexander1970]

The Teacher and little John talk:

Are your Parents coming for the Parents' Talk tomorrow ?

"No, they were run over by the Tractor?"

"That is terrible. And who cares about you now? Your Grandparents ?"

"No, they were run over by the Tractor too."

"But someone has to worry about you? Maybe an Uncle or Aunt?"

"No, they were run over by the Tractor too."

"But what do you do all Day then alone at Home !?!?"

"Drive the Tractor......"

 

[Alexander1970]

I will never forget my Grandfather's last Words:

"Stop shaking the Ladder,you little Bastard"

 

[Uiaad]

I poured root beer in a square glass.

Now I just have beer.