Welp, it's definitely the SoC.
All the capacitors on the chip are shorted...
Thanks to everybody who have helped me.
What causes this ticking noise though?
Once again I fell down the martial arts rabbit hole and am plumbing the murky depths of the internet's various martial arts and fighting crafts echo chambers.
If you're not actively involved and only get up to speed every few years or so, you can see the tide of public opinion flapping worse than my dong while I'm skipping naked down a hallway.