Disclaimer: I'll try not to sound too melodramatic (i.e. "emo"), but I need to let some steam off. This is just what I think about myself and the world and it is not, by any means, an instigation to make others think like I do. So, if you want to read it as a blog, you're welcome to do so. If you want to point how wrong I am and how clever you are for destroying my ethical system point by point, then go away, please. I don't want to argue with anyone, nor make anyone angry for what I say.
You see, I study English Philology at the University of Oviedo. Since I was a kid I've been in close contact with the English language. I've always read books in English, listen to music in English, played videogames in English... Spanish, my mother tongue, has been always relegated to being the tool I use to interact with my immediate surroundings. Whenever I get the chance, I speak English. Having said that, I never had the intention to study English Philology. You see, I've never been a guy of passions. Sure, I like doing some things and dislike doing others, but I've never had a constant hobby through my life. I started playing football once, but dropped out because I got bored of it fast. That's the problem, I whenever I start something I like, I get bored of it fast. Anything, from digital designing to studying physics by my own, gets old in a matter of days. While this has been an obvious problem, it does have a positive side: I can honestly say, without getting cocky, I know a little about many, many things. From philosophy to mathematics, from sports to computer sciences, from music to law, I'm able to hold my ground with those specialised in those fields.
But that's enough rambling... My parents got divorced when I was 7. I think that's when I realised how the world works, how futile and ephemeral everything is. Don't get me wrong, I'm not traumatised by the event. In fact, I'm glad my mother divorced the asshole I got for father. But, anyway, I've been, for as long as I remember, living day by day. I've always known that, when we die -- because we all die, sooner or later -- it's all over. There's no God, no afterlife. Nothing we can say, do or think during our lives will change the fact that we'll die in the future. But I can live with that. I came to understand that death is not something to be afraid of. It's... easing. Once you're dead, you're free. So why focus on your death? It will come, eventually. Let it be. Focus on your life, that's what I've always said. The thing is, I can't focus on my life. I'm hypersensitive to everything that happens around me. I mean, it's not that I can connect easily with those around me, no... It's that I have to "process" everything, like if I was "digesting" it. This renders me... numb. There's too much information, so many "maybes", so much wrong in the world I'm not able to cope with it. I can't stand being with other people for too long. They tire me. I need to be secluded in my own safe haven. "Normal" people are not affected by the ontology of love, friendship, feelings, art, culture... They just live. I can't find anything to give any kind of importance to those things. I can't believe in love because I know there's no such thing as love. Or anything human, for that matter. It's all a façade, but everyone accepts it and lives on. It's as if I wasn't able to fit into humankind. And, most of the time, I think I can't. It's really hard to express in the correct words, but experience has thought me that I'm better off alone, not in the sense of lonely or physically alone, but... without building any relations, hopes or faith in anything.
I've considered studying Engeneering, Philosophy... but, in the end, I opted for Classic Philology. Latin and Greek. After studying almost a year, I was not happy with the courses I took, so I decided to switch to English Philology. After one year and a half, I can honestly say I can't stand it anymore. Not only studying, I mean. Everything. I have lost the faith in the human race, and, above all, in myself. I've been a year and a half tolerating insults, mockery, backstabbing, etc. from my fellow "mates" from my class. "Don't worry, they'll get tired", I said to myself. "Anyway, you're doing great". And I was, with 3 distinctions (Matrícula de Honor, as we call them here) and an average of 9 in all my courses. But, you know, even though I tried not to pay attention to them, they finally got to me. What's more, this year it seems that I got the worst batch of teachers I could have ever imagined. Heck, I've stopped going to my English course because of the dimwit of my teacher. I just can't stand it anymore. I'm so, so tired I'm seriously thinking of dropping out. But, what's left for someone like me in the world? I just don't get what I'm supposed to do. Yeah, I know, know... "It doesn't rain forever". I know I still have my whole life ahead. But that's what troubles me. I feel like I've been living all my life weathering storms, hoping the future is better. But it's never better. It's a downwards spiral of shit. I had an appointment with the psychologist two weeks ago, but he doesn't help me much. I guess I'll keep living this way, weary and hopeless. It's what I've been doing my whole life, I guess.
Thanks for reading. I seriously needed to turn this into words.
PS: For the "tl;dr guys": Life sucks, university sucks, I suck. I'd really love a change, but I guess the world's too shitty to hope for anything better. *sigh*
You see, I study English Philology at the University of Oviedo. Since I was a kid I've been in close contact with the English language. I've always read books in English, listen to music in English, played videogames in English... Spanish, my mother tongue, has been always relegated to being the tool I use to interact with my immediate surroundings. Whenever I get the chance, I speak English. Having said that, I never had the intention to study English Philology. You see, I've never been a guy of passions. Sure, I like doing some things and dislike doing others, but I've never had a constant hobby through my life. I started playing football once, but dropped out because I got bored of it fast. That's the problem, I whenever I start something I like, I get bored of it fast. Anything, from digital designing to studying physics by my own, gets old in a matter of days. While this has been an obvious problem, it does have a positive side: I can honestly say, without getting cocky, I know a little about many, many things. From philosophy to mathematics, from sports to computer sciences, from music to law, I'm able to hold my ground with those specialised in those fields.
But that's enough rambling... My parents got divorced when I was 7. I think that's when I realised how the world works, how futile and ephemeral everything is. Don't get me wrong, I'm not traumatised by the event. In fact, I'm glad my mother divorced the asshole I got for father. But, anyway, I've been, for as long as I remember, living day by day. I've always known that, when we die -- because we all die, sooner or later -- it's all over. There's no God, no afterlife. Nothing we can say, do or think during our lives will change the fact that we'll die in the future. But I can live with that. I came to understand that death is not something to be afraid of. It's... easing. Once you're dead, you're free. So why focus on your death? It will come, eventually. Let it be. Focus on your life, that's what I've always said. The thing is, I can't focus on my life. I'm hypersensitive to everything that happens around me. I mean, it's not that I can connect easily with those around me, no... It's that I have to "process" everything, like if I was "digesting" it. This renders me... numb. There's too much information, so many "maybes", so much wrong in the world I'm not able to cope with it. I can't stand being with other people for too long. They tire me. I need to be secluded in my own safe haven. "Normal" people are not affected by the ontology of love, friendship, feelings, art, culture... They just live. I can't find anything to give any kind of importance to those things. I can't believe in love because I know there's no such thing as love. Or anything human, for that matter. It's all a façade, but everyone accepts it and lives on. It's as if I wasn't able to fit into humankind. And, most of the time, I think I can't. It's really hard to express in the correct words, but experience has thought me that I'm better off alone, not in the sense of lonely or physically alone, but... without building any relations, hopes or faith in anything.
I've considered studying Engeneering, Philosophy... but, in the end, I opted for Classic Philology. Latin and Greek. After studying almost a year, I was not happy with the courses I took, so I decided to switch to English Philology. After one year and a half, I can honestly say I can't stand it anymore. Not only studying, I mean. Everything. I have lost the faith in the human race, and, above all, in myself. I've been a year and a half tolerating insults, mockery, backstabbing, etc. from my fellow "mates" from my class. "Don't worry, they'll get tired", I said to myself. "Anyway, you're doing great". And I was, with 3 distinctions (Matrícula de Honor, as we call them here) and an average of 9 in all my courses. But, you know, even though I tried not to pay attention to them, they finally got to me. What's more, this year it seems that I got the worst batch of teachers I could have ever imagined. Heck, I've stopped going to my English course because of the dimwit of my teacher. I just can't stand it anymore. I'm so, so tired I'm seriously thinking of dropping out. But, what's left for someone like me in the world? I just don't get what I'm supposed to do. Yeah, I know, know... "It doesn't rain forever". I know I still have my whole life ahead. But that's what troubles me. I feel like I've been living all my life weathering storms, hoping the future is better. But it's never better. It's a downwards spiral of shit. I had an appointment with the psychologist two weeks ago, but he doesn't help me much. I guess I'll keep living this way, weary and hopeless. It's what I've been doing my whole life, I guess.
Thanks for reading. I seriously needed to turn this into words.
PS: For the "tl;dr guys": Life sucks, university sucks, I suck. I'd really love a change, but I guess the world's too shitty to hope for anything better. *sigh*
