Post your jokes thread

[x65943]

Today I went for an interview, the boss said
"You're dark, ugly and fat, where are you from?" I didn't want to give a bad impression of Jiangxi, so I said I'm from Hunan.

 

[x65943]

 

[AmandaRose]

After months of practice I can finally play the whole of Dancing Queen on the Didgeridoo. It's an Abba-riginal

 

[Lostbhoy]

Police knocked on my door tonight. They said they're looking for a guy with one eye.

I said you should try using both

 

[Nakamichi]

Police knocked on my door tonight. They said they're looking for a guy with one eye.

I said you should try using both

heh, cute, that cheered me up. silly, i liked it.

 

[x65943]

*background*
A son takes his uncultured rural dad around the city for the first time

At the tea shop:
Dad: what is this?
Son: it's bubble tea
Dad: how much?
Son: 22 yuan
Dad: 22 yuan? Better off buying nice alcohol at that price

At the museum:
Son: excuse me, how much for a ticket?
Clerk: 60 yuan
Son: do you have other options?
Clerk: 50 for a simple ticket, 100 for all inclusive
Son: we'll take 2
Dad: son! It's too expensive. Let's go home and look at the mountain valley Instead. Come on, go go.
Son: Dad, come back. Quickly, come on! *To clerk* sorry. My dad is from the countryside, very frugal. We'll come another time.

At the restaurant:
Son: we'll take the check! How much?
Waiter: 117 yuan
Dad: how much??
Son: 117 yuan
Dad: at that price, we should be eating dragon! *Walks out*
Son: sorry my dad is from the countryside, very frugal. Let me pay before we go.

At the massage parlor:
Son: how much for a foot or body massage?
Masseuse: 69 or 109 yuan depending on massage
Dad: what?
Son: Dad, don't worry. *To masseuse* my dad is from the countryside, very frugal.
Dad: Give me the most expensive massage!
Son: *internal horror*

Spoiler: Chinese

茶馆：
儿子这什么玩意
珍珠奶茶
这多少钱一瓶
22
22？ 嘛吧的 不得给我弄瓶二锅头了

博物馆：
你好这个博物馆门票多少钱一个人
一人60
还有别的消费吗？
普通进解50块钱一次全牌进解100块钱一次
行俺们两人
老儿子啊那么贵。咱还不得回家看看咱们这山沟呢。走走
你拉倒吧 爸。来都来了。快回来回来。不不好意思。我爸农村的。仔细啊不好意思啊。下次看啊。

饭馆：
老板多少钱
117
多少钱？
117
这么贵 吃龙肉啦
我爸农村仔细 不好意思啊。给你扫过去了

按摩：
美女你家足疗按摩都有多少钱
你好咱家有69 109
什么玩意
哎爸你别管了。我爸农村里。仔细哈哈
给我来最贵的。

 

[Veho]

I found $20 in the parking lot and thought to myself “What would Jesus do?” - So I turned it into wine.

 

[Veho]

I had to delete my U2 GPS app.
The streets had no name, and I still haven't found what I'm looking for.

 

[AmandaRose]

My nephew just ate a calculator and my sister called him a fucking little weirdo.

I thought that's a bit harsh surely it's what's inside that counts

 

[Lostbhoy]

My nephew just ate a calculator and my sister called him a fucking little weirdo.

I thought that's a bit harsh surely it's what's inside that counts

And the outside divides... That's deep man

 

[MPRTwice]

I don't eat calculators; I'm not a number cruncher and we already have number munchers, frog-gone it:



sorry for the mecc-ticulous detail in my pun...et. squares, but y'all might think this is just a game.

 

[MPRTwice]

"A supervillain called. He wants restitution for me ruining his evil plans. I told him that's hard to do if the assassins get rid of me."

"We had a talk. He said he needs a dark, evil cult leader to rule the world. I told him I wanted a sinless sandwich."

"He wanted my soul, but it's not for sale. He sent a few femme fatales my way. So, a Mister Rogers friendly wave post-assassination fail later, and they had more sadness than if they looked like Lady Elaine from his show."

"So then he tried to make me a deal: my soul for all the power in the world... No deal."

"What is it with these salesdemons coming up and knocking on my door? I'd rather knock on their heads with my fist. Since they can't get enough entertainment to go knock themselves out someplace else, apparently—unlike that Muay Thai guy."

"They asked me to 'come to the dark side; we have cookies!' I said my side has cookies and milk. They said they have chocolate milk. I said, 'No, I don't need caffeine. I will enjoy my non-caffeinated white chocolate instead.'"

"I reminded them that skipping out on eating your vegetables is for losers."

"They tried to call me a 'goody-two-shoes.' Were they expecting ratty shoes to match their motives? I'm no Boy Scout: I don't use profanity, nor do I act like an undisciplined hothead that lost the forest for the trees."

"They tried to taunt me by saying I am alone. I said, 'Figures. Of course my skills are completely beyond your league.'"

"They said they will get me. I said, 'What, an apology note and a sack of ten million gold coins saying, "We are sorry! No more temptations"? Fat chance... As in, a bloated, egotistical fighter's chance of defeating a slim, Type IIx muscle-fiber trained Special Forces member is higher than yours of winning me over.'"

"people said I would be great at stand-up comedy, but I prefer to sit down when cracking jokes."