Post your jokes thread

[x65943]

Today I went for an interview, the boss said
"You're dark, ugly and fat, where are you from?" I didn't want to give a bad impression of Jiangxi, so I said I'm from Hunan.

 

[x65943]

 

[AmandaRose]

After months of practice I can finally play the whole of Dancing Queen on the Didgeridoo. It's an Abba-riginal

 

[Lostbhoy]

Police knocked on my door tonight. They said they're looking for a guy with one eye.

I said you should try using both

 

[Nakamichi]

Police knocked on my door tonight. They said they're looking for a guy with one eye.

I said you should try using both

heh, cute, that cheered me up. silly, i liked it.

 

[x65943]

*background*
A son takes his uncultured rural dad around the city for the first time

At the tea shop:
Dad: what is this?
Son: it's bubble tea
Dad: how much?
Son: 22 yuan
Dad: 22 yuan? Better off buying nice alcohol at that price

At the museum:
Son: excuse me, how much for a ticket?
Clerk: 60 yuan
Son: do you have other options?
Clerk: 50 for a simple ticket, 100 for all inclusive
Son: we'll take 2
Dad: son! It's too expensive. Let's go home and look at the mountain valley Instead. Come on, go go.
Son: Dad, come back. Quickly, come on! *To clerk* sorry. My dad is from the countryside, very frugal. We'll come another time.

At the restaurant:
Son: we'll take the check! How much?
Waiter: 117 yuan
Dad: how much??
Son: 117 yuan
Dad: at that price, we should be eating dragon! *Walks out*
Son: sorry my dad is from the countryside, very frugal. Let me pay before we go.

At the massage parlor:
Son: how much for a foot or body massage?
Masseuse: 69 or 109 yuan depending on massage
Dad: what?
Son: Dad, don't worry. *To masseuse* my dad is from the countryside, very frugal.
Dad: Give me the most expensive massage!
Son: *internal horror*

Spoiler: Chinese

茶馆：
儿子这什么玩意
珍珠奶茶
这多少钱一瓶
22
22？ 嘛吧的 不得给我弄瓶二锅头了

博物馆：
你好这个博物馆门票多少钱一个人
一人60
还有别的消费吗？
普通进解50块钱一次全牌进解100块钱一次
行俺们两人
老儿子啊那么贵。咱还不得回家看看咱们这山沟呢。走走
你拉倒吧 爸。来都来了。快回来回来。不不好意思。我爸农村的。仔细啊不好意思啊。下次看啊。

饭馆：
老板多少钱
117
多少钱？
117
这么贵 吃龙肉啦
我爸农村仔细 不好意思啊。给你扫过去了

按摩：
美女你家足疗按摩都有多少钱
你好咱家有69 109
什么玩意
哎爸你别管了。我爸农村里。仔细哈哈
给我来最贵的。

 

[Veho]

I found $20 in the parking lot and thought to myself “What would Jesus do?” - So I turned it into wine.

 

[Veho]

I had to delete my U2 GPS app.
The streets had no name, and I still haven't found what I'm looking for.

 

[AmandaRose]

My nephew just ate a calculator and my sister called him a fucking little weirdo.

I thought that's a bit harsh surely it's what's inside that counts

 

[Lostbhoy]

My nephew just ate a calculator and my sister called him a fucking little weirdo.

I thought that's a bit harsh surely it's what's inside that counts

And the outside divides... That's deep man

 

[MPRTwice]

I don't eat calculators; I'm not a number cruncher and we already have number munchers, frog-gone it:



sorry for the mecc-ticulous detail in my pun...et. squares, but y'all might think this is just a game.

 

[MPRTwice]

"A supervillain called. He wants restitution for me ruining his evil plans. I told him that's hard to do if the assassins get rid of me."

"We had a talk. He said he needs a dark, evil cult leader to rule the world. I told him I wanted a sinless sandwich."

"He wanted my soul, but it's not for sale. He sent a few femme fatales my way. So, a Mister Rogers friendly wave post-assassination fail later, and they had more sadness than if they looked like Lady Elaine from his show."

"So then he tried to make me a deal: my soul for all the power in the world... No deal."

"What is it with these salesdemons coming up and knocking on my door? I'd rather knock on their heads with my fist. Since they can't get enough entertainment to go knock themselves out someplace else, apparently—unlike that Muay Thai guy."

"They asked me to 'come to the dark side; we have cookies!' I said my side has cookies and milk. They said they have chocolate milk. I said, 'No, I don't need caffeine. I will enjoy my non-caffeinated white chocolate instead.'"

"I reminded them that skipping out on eating your vegetables is for losers."

"They tried to call me a 'goody-two-shoes.' Were they expecting ratty shoes to match their motives? I'm no Boy Scout: I don't use profanity, nor do I act like an undisciplined hothead that lost the forest for the trees."

"They tried to taunt me by saying I am alone. I said, 'Figures. Of course my skills are completely beyond your league.'"

"They said they will get me. I said, 'What, an apology note and a sack of ten million gold coins saying, "We are sorry! No more temptations"? Fat chance... As in, a bloated, egotistical fighter's chance of defeating a slim, Type IIx muscle-fiber trained Special Forces member is higher than yours of winning me over.'"

"people said I would be great at stand-up comedy, but I prefer to sit down when cracking jokes."

 

[Veho]

 

[Veho]

How many mystery writers does it take to change a light bulb?

Two: One to screw it in most of the way and another to give it a surprise twist at the end.

 

[x65943]

Seen on Chinese tiktok
Interviewer: what weighs more, 100 pounds of steel or a 100 pound woman
Man: 100 pound woman
Interviewer: why?
Man: steel does not lie, if it's 100 lbs it's 100 lbs. If a woman says she is 100 lbs, she is probably 150.

 

[AmandaRose]

Some guy in the Middle East has started a company that converts landmines into prayer mats

Apparently prophets are going through the roof.

 

[Veho]

As i suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden. The plot thickens.

 

[hippy dave]

 

[AmandaRose]

Every time my boyfriend Joe comes home from work he has to tell me the latest celebrity news he heard on the radio on his journey in the car from work.

Tonight Joe came busting through the door and without even a hello he said the following .

"It was on the news tonight that Amber Heard is pregnant with twins and Charlie Sheen is the father"

Then after a huge pause Joe continued with.

"Don't you think it's weird they have decided the twins will have Charlie's surname"

And I replied with

"Well I was always told Children should be Sheen and not Heard"

 

[Lostbhoy]

I phoned the drugs helpline recently. It said of you have a problem with cannabis press hash. If you have a problem with cocaine stay on the line