Relationship dealbreakers. Post yours.

Discussion in 'General Off-Topic Chat' started by FAST6191, May 23, 2019.

  1. FAST6191
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    FAST6191 Techromancer

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    Go fairly self explanatory titles. What would be your 10 things you don't want to have happen (becoming unfit, kids, drugs, crimes of some form, certain types of drugs, smoking, drinking...), or expect to happen in a relationship (do you continue to expect to be taken on dates say). Typically it would be done if you are going to try for the long term/long haul thing (whether it be getting a house, following someone that moves for work, more formally committing to a relationship, doing the whole kid thing, starting some kind of business, some would consider marriage as something here...).

    Most people struggle to get to 10. If you somehow make it there then you can some free "obvious" ones. Such a thing should likely cause some amount of introspection though -- there is a difference between having standards and being picky.

    Bonus questions. Are any there that would not have been there either 10 years ago or when you were 15?

    Are there any not there which would have been there? Classic one here. Musical preference mattered somewhat in high school for a lot of people, where today if they listen to it on their own time it tends not to cause much trouble.
     
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  2. AkGBA

    AkGBA Nope

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    Being a Temper.
     
  3. Hayato213

    Hayato213 GBAtemp Guru

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    Dealbreaker in term of a relationship, I would says would be lying to the other person, abusive violence for example the guy was beating up his girlfriend, unfaithful like dating another person at the same time dating you.
     
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  4. FAST6191
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    FAST6191 Techromancer

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    I could see this if they were light theme user (that surely speaks to a serious case of bad taste) but as a general thing? Something to put in the good taste in websites box.

    While there are some lies that would inevitably tank things I don't see why the other person can't have their secrets.

    I would normally try to restrain myself with the ? so song thing but... it is one of my favourite songs
     
  5. Stwert

    Stwert GBAtemp Advanced Fan

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    I only have one dealbreaker when it comes to relationships - cheating. Thankfully that’s never happened to me, to the best of my knowledge anyway. Though if I’m totally honest, I came very, very close to doing it once. A long time ago.

    But these days I’m a happily married man. I’ve achieved most of what I want. Well, I actually never wanted to get married, but when the right person comes along, it just happens. She’s totally awesome. She’s intelligent, funny, supportive, dedicated, beautiful and ten years younger than me, which keeps me young :D

    I’ve already bought and paid for our house, so no mortgage to worry about. I’m happy with my career, as is she. We’ve got everything you could want, and more.... Almost.

    There’s just one thing left to do to make the list complete and that’s starting a family. Which we’re trying to do now. No luck yet, but I enjoy the practice :P
     
    Last edited by Stwert, May 23, 2019
  6. Flame

    Flame Me > You

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    im not fussy.... .oh maybe when new wife not getting along with other wifes. I'm happy when all my wifes get along. im a simple man.
     
    Last edited by Flame, May 23, 2019
  7. B_E_P_I_S_M_A_N

    B_E_P_I_S_M_A_N knows nothing

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    Probably not so much that, more the fact you've probably seen them around on the forums as a user and making the uncomfortable revelation that these two entities are the same person.

    Plus, they've also probably seen your post history from time to time. Make of that what you will.
     
  8. Issac

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    You want 10 dealbreakers? This will be interesting for me to figure out. I will throw a couple of obvious ones in there. But will limit them. I never cared about music taste in others to the degree that it would be a dealbreaker. Sure, since I am a huge music nerd I would be a bit bummed out if our music taste doesn't match, or if she'd be totally disinterested in my taste or music at all. I've had relationships where this have been the case, and that was a bummer, but yeah. It wouldn't affect anything in the end. Not when I was 15, not today. Being "too serious" might have been a dealbreaker for me when I was younger, not 15 perhaps, but like, 18-22. Talk about kids, engagement or marriage would be... not really a dealbreaker, but I wouldn't want any of it. Too soon.

    There is just one that I've told my partner when we spoke about this subject, since it's the only one I find... "realistic", or should I say "common".
    This will have to be my number one, even though other can be considered more serious.

    1. Cheating / infidelity.
    I have been hurt by this. And it really really hurts. It's the only thing that could make my feelings for someone vanish like poof, no matter who they are.

    2. Hard drug use.
    Of course, I wouldn't want to have a relationship with a drug addict. I mean hard drugs. Smoking is okay, but I would prefer no smoking. Alcohol is fine in my eyes though, as long as it's in moderation.

    3. Murderer.
    I mean, now we're coming into the obvious things... There are plenty of other obvious dealbreakers, like being a criminal and so on. So let's focus on more... "realistic" ones again.

    4. Absolutely nothing in common.
    Doesn't share music taste? That's fine. Doesn't like gaming? Well, not too surprising. Doesn't like the same kinds of movies (or any movie)? Okay. Reading? No? Hmm.. okay... But if there are no common interest, no activity both enjoy, nothing to do together... then it would be a problem. This is also very related to interest. If she doesn't enjoy reading, and I love reading... that's perfectly fine. But if she is interested in my hobby of reading, does she want to hear my thoughts about what I've read, or want to hear a piece read aloud? Then that's just as good as sharing the hobby. Or if our music taste doesn't match, but she is still open to try out some of it. Open to talk about it, or interested enough to hear me talk about this amazing Jazz record... then that's also a great feeling. And of course, if she want to share her stuff with me, even if it's not my cup of tea, I'll be sooo happy to listen to it. My interest in music isn't limited to listening to the things I like, but to explore and finding details and parts in all music.

    5. Zero hygiene.
    Okay, this would be a big dealbreaker. Being a little smelly, that's fine. Flatulence is fine too, it's just normal. And body hair? who cares? That's not what I mean with hygiene. I mean, if you don't shower for 3 weeks, brush your teeth once in a blue moon, wipe poorly... now that's kind of off putting. It's not the most impossible thing to change, but if change is too much of a challenge, then yeah. dealios breakios.

    I have to take a break here. I just can't figure anything else out. Marriage? Yes, I would like that, but if the other person doesn't want it then that's also okay. Kids? Yeah, that would be neat, not to let the bloodline die with me. But if she don't want or can't have kids, if my feelings for her are strong enough it won't matter. Those would be big deals, and they don't matter to me if the feelings for the person are strong enough.
    Gaining weight, becoming grey haired... No, no big deal at all.
    Different politics? Who cares?
    Different religion? Who cares?

    I guess places 6 through 10 can be filled with: Domestic abuse, molesting, destroying properties, dealing drugs and being a terrorist.

    Maybe point number 4 is the only one that might have been different when 15 (or slightly older). When hormones are flowing wildly, and all you want is to "have fun". Then it wouldn't matter if you don't have anything in common, apart from the "fun".
     
  9. WD_GASTER2

    WD_GASTER2 I tinker and code.

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    infidelity: if you let this one slide it just sets the stage for it to happen again.

    Being an air head: i find this to be a turn off. I have seen some extremely good looking gals just to be turned away from it when i hear an air headed comment.

    Emotional issues: this one is not good. this ends up being a drain on you by the time you are fully in a relationship.

    lack of taking the initiative: if I am the only one that is making plans and they obviously show interest but never show initiative of any sort (ideas for dates, or being always the one that is reached out to (and there are some very passive gals out there, as i am sure there some men as well in this category) It just ends up tiring in the end.

    in my case that is it.
     
  10. npiet1

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    Besides the obvious stuff, People that are dumb as rocks. I can not do it. I don't care how "hot" someone is. It's an instant turn-off. However the opposite is true for me as well.
     
  11. Viri

    Viri GBAtemp Addict

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    When the girl has multiple personalities, and starts naming them... I'm starting to think I need to get away from this one...
     
  12. Cyan

    Cyan GBATemp's lurking knight

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    What other said.
    Issac said most of it, including violence.
    Emotional issue as Gaster said too. But I don't know to which extend. I dislike narcissist perversion (not sure that's the proper english word), they are succubus and taking all your energy, making you feel inferior (as if I wasn't enough already).

    lack of motivation, not doing anything all days long, like not working and staying at home, but not doing anything at home either, just lacking interest and living in a desintested life. not caring about kids, not feeding them, or caring about their education or well being, etc.

    I really don't know how I would react in case of accident (paraplegic, stoke, aneurism, veggie, coma, etc.) or incapacitated born child, except that it wouldn't be the other's fault, but mine if I leave. it'll be more selfish and careless to abandon someone when she/he needs supports the most.
    I really can't tell how I'd react as I never been confronted to that situation. I hope I'd never leave out of complicated situation, but only for the significant other action.

    Edit: stealing from Chary's thread below too :

    - heavy drinking. I don't drink at all. you might drink, you might even make me taste it. If you ever vomit or become not yourself, that'll be very bad for us.
    - smoking. even though I don't smoke and don't even like smelling someone who just smoke, I might do compromise if my other person smoke a little, as I might like her for her personality, and not her smell. but it can be a big issue and the start of more problems to come.
    - spending all the shared money on games/gambling.
    - Being part of fanatism/sect/amish/religious extremist.


    except for hard drugs, if it happens I might want to keep trying, as if I find someone that might be the only chance I'll ever have in my life, so maybe I'll keep a broken relationship going as long as I can?
    I remember our grand parent never divorcing, they lived together even if they had to fight some situation. nowadays people just don't try much and break after the first little issue instead of talking and working on it.
     
    Last edited by Cyan, May 26, 2019
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  13. Hephaestus

    Hephaestus GBAtemp Regular

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    My absolute No-Go is "Divorce".
    If she does that i am out.
     
  14. chrisrlink

    chrisrlink Intel Pentium III Hamster inside

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    cheating like yesteday completely blindsided me then she (or rather her side-bf i presume) kept yelling the f word at me on facebook i know it wasn't a hack cause her aunt confirmed she was cheating on me
     
  15. Chary

    Chary Never sleeps.

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    Umm, hmm. This is a pretty cool question.

    #1 is cheating. Once a cheater, always a cheater. I don't care if the person would change that habit one day, but I wouldn't want any part of it. Cheat and you're gone.

    #2 is smoking (Or drugs in general. I've never met someone IRL who does hard drugs, but I'm gonna pretty safely bet that they'd be a big fat NOPE too). I've grown up in a household of chronic smokers. It's disgusting, and the smell of cigarette smoke is burned into my mind enough as it is, so I'd rather not have further exposure to it.

    #3 is if the guy is short. Jkjkjk. I do hear that some other women do think that's a dealbreaker though, yikes. Hmm...already I'm finding it hard to think of serious answers that aren't obvious or have already been said. I think, as shallow as this is, I don't think I could get along with a guy who doesn't play games. I'm sure, that yeah, when I'm older gaming won't be having such a drastic impact in my life as it does now, but for the current time, it's my hobby, it's my job. I'd be sad if I couldn't share my excitement of that stuff with a guy.

    #4 is one I just thought of. Any type of racist would send me running the other way regardless, but I'd kick it into mach speed away from ones that are racist towards middle easterners. I've met a few people who'd get goaded into political talk and then just casually mention their hatred towards all Iranians. Pls no.

    #5 is heavy drinking. I'd already be sketched out by anyone who would casually drink, (though I'm sure I'd theoretically be able to get used to it) because it's such a sore topic for me. My mom is a recovering alcoholic for 25yrs and my dad is in the process of quitting. They both don't have any form of control when alcohol enters the picture, so I've grown up feeling nothing but disgust towards beer and other forms of the junk. It's a topic that definitely sends shivers down my spine.

    #6 is where I'll stop, because I'm running out of things. Inability to manage money/income is a worrying thing. Wasting paychecks over gambling, shopping too much, etc. I'm prone to making fun purchases now and then, but saving and having monetary stability is really important to me, after again, dealing with it through my childhood.

    When I sat down and thought about it, most of these things stem from "I don't want to repeat the worst of my childhood", which I'm sure bodes super well and leaves no lingering thoughts of any hangups from my past...lol. Of course, there are the more obvious "ew" ones as mentioned before; violence/hygiene/insanity, etc. But I feel like that's more not being desperate and having common sense, rather than being a personal dealbreaker.

    Luckily, I don't have to worry about these things as I've got someone who already fits the above standards, but it was fun trying to think what makes me kinda "tick" as a person in a relationship.
     
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  16. Cyan

    Cyan GBATemp's lurking knight

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    funny how cheating is always first in everyone's list.
    and yet, there are couple that are open to non-monogamy. Well, we only got few answers, not enough to reflect the world's standards.
     
  17. phonz

    phonz GBAtemp Regular

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    1. Additional unsavory appendages
    2. Murderous intent toward puppies
    3. Assimilated into a hivemind of pseudo-cyborg beings.
    4. Cookie thief.
    5. Knows how to play guitar but only knows one song and it's "Stairway to Heaven",
    6. Openly admits to being a Vampire when confronted about missing children in the neighborhood.
    7. Consistently wears a name badge at inappropriate occasions.
    8. Expresses emotions with their nail clippings.
    9. Wastes toothpaste.
    10. Doesn't know what Hypercolor was, even after it's been explained.

    I think most people would agree with these.
    While I may not have the most common discrepancies on this list, it's important to know where you personally draw the line outside of the obviously expected "Terms of Service" you sign when you enter a committed and consensual relationship.
     
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  18. Armadillo

    Armadillo GBAtemp Psycho!

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    Kids. Instant dealbreak, don't want, not really something that can be compromised on either.
     
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  19. Feras2002

    Feras2002 GBAtemp Regular

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    oh come on stairway to heaven is a really good song
     
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  20. leafeon34

    leafeon34 意地悪な男の人

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    1. No smoking
    2. No drugs
    3. No excessive drinking
    4. No cheating
    5. No fanatical views
    6. No abusive behaviours
    7. No STDs
    8. No serious criminal convictions (theft is ok, murder is not)
    9. No uncontrollable bad habits (eg. excessive spending)
    10. No children

    My ex-girlfriend met the criteria above. She always tried to be the best girlfriend she can be, even learning to tolerate my jokes. Despite her best efforts, I saw her as a friend rather than a girlfriend so I dumped her. She was extremely sad, when we were together she seemed like the princess from a fairy tale living happily ever after.
     
    Last edited by leafeon34, May 25, 2019
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