Post text jokes here

[impeeza]

Was the last day of a Priest on his church. A feast was in place for the occasion, and the mayor where supposed to be the main chair and give a speech.

As the mayor was running late, the Priest started with his speech:

«I remember my first day on the Parish, the first confession almost make me to get back to the seminary, that person confessed me about stolen a TV Set, stole money from his parents and his employer and having an affair with his boss's wife. He was trafficking and also giving his wife a STD...»​

​

Gladly when the time goes by, the people on the town show me another reality, a Parish full of good people with ethics and with strong faith.​

​

I had a wonderful and full life here.​

Some minutes after that, the Mayor finally arrived, so he started his speech:

«I will never forget the great day the Priest come to our community, I had the great privilege of being the first parishioner on confess with him...»​

 

[Veho]

 

[x65943]

 

[AncientBoi]

View attachment 536517

I found out the hard way, that they were scum [umm most of them].

But, I outlived them all. Thus, MY REVENGE

 

[Veho]

I started working out to get rid of my dad bod, but I had to stop - My body couldn't handle the ab use.

A man sued an airline company after it lost his luggage. Sadly, he lost his case.

I've decided to start taking something for my kleptomania.

When is the perfect time to buy a trampoline? Spring.

Have you tried blindfolded archery? You don't know what you're missing!

I saw an ad that said “radio for sale, $1, volume stuck on full” - I thought, “I can’t turn that down.”

I don't know what the word "ubiquitous" means but I keep seeing it everywhere.

I can't find my 'Gone in 60 seconds' DVD - It was here a minute ago ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

My new years resolution was to stop seeking the approval of strangers - hope it's okay with everybody?

Delorean for sale? Good shape, good mileage. Only driven from time to time.

If I had 50¢ for every math test I've failed, I'd have $7.20

 

[impeeza]

A thief broke on a house, armed with a gun, tied the women and pointing to the man asking where the valuables are?.

The man answer: I will lead you to the safe, there are jewelry and cash.

- Give me the combination yell the thief

The man replied, No! untie and leave her go, only then I will give you the combination.

Moved the thief say «You must to love too much your wife»

The man answer: «love my wife? no! my wife is about to arrive, this is the neighbor's wife, and if my wife arrive and find her here, the least we have to fear is your gun.

 

[hippy dave]

Mods are impartial and mature

loljk

 

[impeeza]

A Cab driver and a priest arrived to the heaven's door at the same time.

Peter Greeting the newcomers, he serve first to the cab driver and say to he «Get in my son, we reserved for you a big mansion with pool and sea view, here you will find everything you ever need»

The priest exalted start to thinking about what will be for him.

Then Peter looks to the priest and says «come in my son, go and choose any cabin from the ones back there»

The priest reply -but my lord, I devoted all my life to the church service; why a cab driver get a lot more than me?

Peter looks the priest and say «Son when you preach on the church people felt asleep, but when the taxi driver was behind the wheel, EVERYONE PRAYED!!!»

 

[AncientBoi]

Me and my phone service.

 

[impeeza]

Why most of the car accidents are caused by men?

because they lend the keys to his wife!

 

[TVL]

What's the difference between :

A burnt pizza
A pregnant woman
A frozen beer

??????

Spoiler: Answer

A man forgot to take it out in time

I'm not sure it's a difference kind of joke... More what they have in common. But ok. Do you know why women wear makeup and use perfume? It's because they're ugly and smell bad.

Do you know the difference of a pedophile and acne? One waits till your 13 to come on your face.

 

[hippy dave]

Someone just told me this joke in a dream, tell me if it's funny

What is a sphere?

A cube that's taken its bra off

 

[x65943]

“Not only will America go to your country and kill all your people, but what’s worse I think, is that they’ll come back 20 years later and make a movie about how killing your people made their soldiers feel sad."

 

[Noctosphere]

So, I was walking in streets in china when I came across this thing on the wall of a building

Spoiler

Too soon?

 

[hippy dave]

So, I was walking in streets in china when I came across this thing on the wall of a building

Spoiler

Too soon?
View attachment 541854

That's pretty cute but I still can't figure out how it's a text joke

 

[Noctosphere]

That's pretty cute but I still can't figure out how it's a text joke

How do you kill spiders? Like... BEEEEEG spiders

 

[hippy dave]

How do you kill spiders? Like... BEEEEEG spiders

Boot? Flamethrower? Still Nocting hard here tbh

 

[Noctosphere]

Boot? Flamethrower? Still Nocting hard here tbh

Yea, you really are Nocting it...

 

[hippy dave]

Yea, you really are Nocting it...

That would generally make it your time to explain it

 

[Veho]

Boot? Flamethrower? Still Nocting hard here tbh

Several skyscrapers in Hong Kong caught fire a day or two ago and as far as I know they are still burning. Nocto is referring to that, implying the fire was started when a tenant tried to kill a spider in a cool, rational, reasonable manner, i.e. a flamethrower.
"Too soon?" Yeah, a bit.