Lunar Light (WIP)

[Wolvenreign]

The sky is dark this night-noon
Beneath the lantern-like full moon

Paradise birds take wondered flight
Above a world of lunar light

Darkness magnifies what is seen
From charging beast to meadow green

Moonlit rivers of silver hue
Run their course to ocean blue

Across chasms and hills the wolves do leap
Under a starless sky as though a dreamless sleep

White Fangs glisten against canvas pitch black
Their pouncing stance poised to attack

(That's all for now.)

 

[Sop]

Beautiful. Just beautiful.

I never thought I would laugh, cry and ejaculate all in the one thread.

 

[Wolvenreign]

 

[Sterling]

He's joking. Not really one of our more productive members frankly.

I don't think darkness should magnify. Perhaps obscure or hide, but not magnify. You'll probably have to follow that up with a couple of lines explaining the moonlight expelling the darkness. Also, if the rivers are silver now, then why not the ocean? Wolves don't leap over chasms. I'd suggest finding a different terrain of omitting it altogether and change leap to creep. This may lead you to have to change the last two lines. Overall though, it's enjoyable. It reads smoothly and has a nice rhythm.

 

[Wolvenreign]

Well, what I meant by darkness magnifying what is seen is that most of the world is dark, and what is there is illuminated by lunar light. So it's actually sort of a "spotlight" effect. Maybe I'll add a line about a spotlight.

Interestingly enough, I actually got the idea for this scene from a level in Super Mario Bros 2 (Lost Levels), where the rest of the screen is pitch black, but you can clearly see the objects in place. I imagined this happening in the real world, with not even filtered light hangs in the air, but everything from the grass to the creatures roaming it were clearly visible by moonlight. So it does have a touch of poetic surreality. Most of my work does.

You have a point about the wolves, though. I could easily change that part so as to limit the amount of surreality I'm using.

Thanks for the feedback, Sterling! I'll have to work on this some more. Also, I think I'll post my rough-around-the-edges 300-line epic, The Worldburners.

 

[Shinigami357]

Suprised [user]Sterling[/user] hasn't recruited you yet...

You seem to have a thing [trying to find a higher term for 'talent'...] for narrative poems. Maybe it's just me not being able to find any, but narrative poems seem to be rather rare, so please don't stop.

[serious part of reply stops here]

Also, wolves get a +9000 to jumping and awesome plateau howling and +50% chance to make you piss your pants when the moon is full. Also, a +75% chance to turn into a werewolf.