A story i wrote

Discussion in 'GBAtemp Art Studio' started by iFish, Aug 25, 2010.

  1. iFish
    OP

    iFish Slower than a 90s modem

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    Well... tempers, i wrote a short story.
    Tell me what you guys think


    Heya, Tempers!

    Here is a little short story,

    It all started when I went Skydiving on my Vacation.

    So, let me tell you the whole story. The story about how I got here, in jail. With a bounty over my head.

    So, I was Skydiving. But I guess the people flying were also trying to kill me, I guessed this due to the fact that they were constantly trying to fly into me and knock me off balance, and so, I jumped out of the plane over Wuhu Island. But I landed in the Volcano; luckily, I land on a little rock. I'm scared out of my mind. My iPhone sadly does not get reception in a Volcano, which is sad. So, I decide to wait it out. Oddly enough, I see a guy riding a power cruiser pass by me. I throw my parachute sack at him. He falls off the power cruiser. I jump for it. I landed narrowly avoiding death due to the height factor. The people trying to kill me think I’m already dead. This is a good start.

    I ride the power cruiser all the way out of the Volcano, until I hear gun shots being fired. I'm freaking out and shaking. I hit the nitro-button on my cruiser and escape to the private golf island. I hide in the lake. But I am getting hit at by golf balls. I try to hide underwater, but I get ambushed in the lake. I use the golf club to escape, yet again, attempting to dismember my enemies with the club on the way out. Due to the fact that I am a Spy, I see a little plane out the corner of my eye. I then do as any spy would do; I use my grappling hook to get on top of it.

    I tie the person who was flying the planes to the wings so that he does not get hurt. I try to fly back home. But the police get on my tail and follow me. Or at least that's what i thought. They make me land at the beach. They tie me up (Weird laws here on Wuhu island.) they put me in a small box and attempt to force me to tell them my secrets. Of course, I do not tell them anything, and they didn’t look too pleased about that either.

    Next thing I know. The police take me away, I'm locked up. They ask me who I was trying to kill. I tell them that I’m not the killer. They don't believe me.

    So that’s how I turned up here.

    Want to know what happens next? Tune in next week eventually!

    ~ifish
     
  2. Hadrian

    Hadrian Better than Craigslist

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    Well it started off pretty badly and then it sort of went off a bit and the less said about the last part the better.
     
  3. _Chaz_

    _Chaz_ GBAtemp's Official Mook™

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    Warning: Spoilers inside!
     
  4. Vulpes Abnocto

    Vulpes Abnocto Drinks, Knows Things

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    Didn't I talk to you about redundancy in your writing
    that time when we were talking and I said your writing is redundant?
    It was a conversation about writing redundantly.


    This message brought to you by the department of redundant redundancy department.
     
  5. Princess Rozalin

    Princess Rozalin †GBAtemp Official Princess Of Roses†

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    The Story was ok kinda Interesting if you ask me but idk looks like its missing something.but other than that Good Job.
     
  6. prowler

    prowler Sony

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    Ragol
    And this is where I continued reading.
    Looks like you've landed on Pangya island.


    TL;DR what Chaz said
     
  7. p1ngpong

    p1ngpong Unamused frog

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    DS Scene
    I had been moderating for several hours without a break, holding the line practically single handed as people were trying to collapse the forum around me. I refresh the home page and look at the shoutbox, he is in there again. "Hey read my story" he shouts. The usual sick feeling comes over me. I get it whenever I see him say that sort of thing. Its not just the prospect of the content of what lays ahead that I dread, but the potential slew of work that his threads usually drag me into that I fear.

    Why does he expose himself so? I think to myself, as I sit at my desk looking at that shout. I don't move for a minute or two, I am not even thinking really. Just still, its a reverse reflex I guess, somehow it prepares me. I could easily hit the X on chrome, I don't really need to endure this again. "Fuck it!" I exclaim, and click on the link. As I sit there reading a dull ache hits the back of my head. Its not terrible really, just confused. One sentence really has no bearing to the previous one. A jumble of clichés with no relation to one another. Oh well its not as bad as it could have been I suppose.

    Suddenly I fall still again, my usual fidgeting ceases completely. Breathing shallow. Heart beat fast. This wasn't the end of the story, just the beginning, he claims there is more to come. And with that thought I go back to moderating the forum and continue my futile struggle against the collapse.
     
  8. _Chaz_

    _Chaz_ GBAtemp's Official Mook™

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    Honestly, that was really well written.
     
  9. tinymonkeyt

    tinymonkeyt GBAtemp brat

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    I feel like this is more like incoherent thoughts just smashed all together..
    Like why is there some guy riding a power cruiser IN A VOLCANO? And perhaps you should have told us you were a Spy at first. Or explain why there are people trying to kill you!
     
  10. Scott-105

    Scott-105 Bow to me. Please?

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    Cool story, breh.
     
  11. N4RU70 FR34K

    N4RU70 FR34K Banned

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    For once I agree with you, what has happened [​IMG]