Before I start addressing your concerns I want you to know that you are indeed not alone in this and your personality based on your experiences and environment is atypical and found everywhere in the world. I commend you for not taking the more aggressive path that includes physical harm, drug abuse, and lashing out at others. However I feel I should say that there is also nothing wrong with being angry. It helps us cope at times just as much as a good time with friends or watching a squirrel spaz out over a piece of bread. Allowing yourself the ability to accept the negative emotions you feel and allowing them to be a part of your life will help you more than you might realize. People here have already given you exercises that allow you a way to channel these emotions in a positive way like writing letters, especially if you give them a humorous spin like the guy who ends his letter with "c**t punting" someone. They may seem silly or even something that isn't you or comfortable to do but most competent therapists will give you the letter idea as an exercise. Another suggestion is getting a new hobby. as an outlet it can preoccupy your thoughts and give you a group to befriend based on said hobby. The accomplishments you achieve through this can also boost morale during times of anxiety towards the worth of your life.
Now for my two cents:
You and I share a lot of similarities. I've had a broken home (though not as bad as yours the core problems were there just handled somewhat differently) I've had a real lacklustre and often depressing love life (both regarding my family and the 7 girlfriends I couldn't keep and the friends who naturally moved away and started a life that didn't include me despite being the one guy who kept that group together) having difficulties with personal achievements only to be brought down by those you love (Your mother thought you were lazy for not finding a job despite how hard you tried, my father has given me crap for having panic attacks saying I'm being irrational and that my life is gonna be worthless if I keep it up despite being the one person of my siblings who can actually obtain a semblance of success even if it disappears faster than a shooting star.) There are few things worse in life than having to grow up in a broken home. You, me, and countless others are a testament to that. However, in some twisted sense of positivity, this occurrence not being rare means there is a wealth of knowledge and support to help anyone overcome their problems so long as they look to overcome them. It seems you already have people who want you to succeed in his forum and I hope our support gives you the courage and determination to take further steps like finding a therapist or support group or even just trying any of the suggestions we give you. This is not by any means an easy thing to overcome and is a problem you may have for the rest of your life (why sugar coat this and open you to more pain later) however, many people have recovered or learned to cope with these issues (they say it takes a month for every year to change a behaviour. you have many behavioural issues given to you and it's been given to you for most of your life. It will not be easy to overcome your anxiety but it can be done; slowly but surely it can be done.)
I'll help you in any way I can as I too am coping with anxiety issues (compassion fatigue is something I struggle with often and it sounds like you might be preparing to travel down that road yourself.) and the last thing I want is for someone else to experience this pain, no matter if I know them or not. Just remember: Never save your emotions for yourself. the more you bottle it in the more intense it will explode out of you much like a shaken can of soda. live your emotions, accept your emotions, then let go of those emotions that hurt you so. eventually you'll feel better about yourself and you will never feel the need to hold yourself off again.
if you are unsure of how to interpret these emotions make sure you bring up these topics to a therapist to try and single out what you need help with:
separation anxiety (could very well have been the catalyst for your existing problems)
agoraphobia (not in the sense of not wanting to leave the house so much as loosing the ability to control what happens to you emotionally or physically outside of what you feel is comfortable)
compassion fatique (or burnout)
phopophopia (yes you can have anxiety issues purely from not wanting to have an anxiety attack or face something you know will trigger them.)
rejection sensitivity (a broken home and bad relationships can cause the mind to become anxious over the thought of people not returning your emotions, avoiding you, or being negative towards you despite your efforts to want their company and acceptance.)
Best of luck to you. heres to hoping for the best.
@
Psionic Roshambo:
@
SylverReZ:
@
BigOnYa:
