Anxiety and guilt

Discussion in 'General Off-Topic Chat' started by Arizato, Oct 3, 2013.

  1. Arizato
    OP

    Arizato Memento Mori

    Member
    498
    147
    Jun 1, 2009
    This is more or less a rant/a call for help/life-story. Since people around me care about me and want me to be well, but cannot really understand the situation I'm in at the moment I've decided to discuss this with my fellow tempers in hopes that someone out there may understand me. Some of the things I'm going to tell you about may seem trivial and I may look whiny. Just a fair warning should you continue to read this.

    I've struggled with Anxiety since the age of 11 or 12. My parents got a divorce when I was very young and I don't remember much of the time when they were together, I ended up living with my mother after the divorce, only getting to visit my father every other weekend. My anxiety has always been there but have been going up and down in intensity over the years. You see, around this age I started talking to this girl who was part of my class in school. During the 6 years we went to the same school together we didn't talk much until the end of the last year. I discovered she shared many of my interests and I started getting another idea of her. I was starting to have feelings for her. Needless to say this bites me in the ass later, continue reading and see what I mean.

    My mother was together with another man at this time. That is until he told her that he'd been having an affair for about 1 year, which resulted in her kicking him out. This changed her forever... She started drinking heavily and went out almost every weekend, leaving me and my 9 year old sister alone in our house for long periods of time without anyone taking care of us. While I handled it pretty well at first but I started having these attacks where I had a hard time breathing and almost endless crying. Of course I made sure to put my sister to bed before those attacks started, I didn't want to show her how weak I was.

    One night I had enough and called her while she was out drinking:
    Me: "Please come home, mother. I need you. I can't take care of my sister alone"
    Mother: "You can keep it together until tomorrow. I need to get out of this goddamn house every once in a while!"
    Me: "No! I can't keep it together. You should be here for us!"

    She hung up on me and came home about half an hour later. I was happy and went to the door to greet her. I was met by a furious voice:

    Mother: "I AM TIRED OF CONSTANTLY BEING STUCK IN THIS GODDAMN HOUSE!"
    Me: "Mom, please hear me out..."
    Mother: "NO! YOU'RE GOING TO BED AND I AM GOING TO THE LIVING ROOM AND DRINK UNTIL I AM ON THE FLOOR PUKING MY GUTS OUT!"

    I basically broke down crying at this point and went to my room. Can't really remember the rest of that night.

    Time went on however and I was soon the be going to a different school since I basically got out of intermediate level of school. I was afraid of telling the girl I liked about my feelings so I never got around to it. When I was 15 I finally told her and she told me that she only liked me as a friend. Needless to say I was devastated and I couldn't let her go.

    At this point in time my mother's addiction to alcohol was more severe and she drank almost every evening, every day of the week. My anxiety was lower then and I didn't think too much about it. That was until she let people with drug problems into the house. Time went on and I turned 17. My sister was 15 at this point and started drinking, hanging out at parties and whatnot. The kind of stuff most teenagers start doing. My sister snuck out one night to go to a party and my mother became furious when she found out. She had someone take their car looking for her. They found her walking to the party a few kilometers away from our house.

    They came home, my mother screaming and being all around crazy to say the least. I wanted to check on my sister so I went to her room. While going there one of my mother's friends who had some serious drug problems and not being able to raise his son himself said: "Your sister is really disrepectful doing something like that!"

    I wanted to punch him in the face but continued on to my sister's room and saw a sight I probably will never forget: My sister sat on her bed with a razor in her left and her right wrist bleeding. She was apathetic and I ran towards her, thinking the worst. I started crying and checked her pulse. She was still alive and the cut wasn't really deep but still horrible. I started asking her why she did it and she didn't respond. I quickly ran to her closet to find a cloth to clean the blood from her hands and wrist.

    I asked her again:

    Me: "What happened?! Why did you do this?!"
    She: "Mother hit me... Mother hit me and threw me into the car. I can't take this anymore!"

    I told her how much she meant to me and the other people around her and that her life shouldn't end this way. I called my dad and helped arrange for my sister to move within the week. I wanted her out of this hellhole of a house. I would gladly stay around if it meant that she could move to our dad and be happy.

    Things calmed down at my mom's house after my sister moved and time went on. I was still more or less obsessed with the same girl from before. One year later around when I turned 18 we started talking about it for some reason and I admitted that I couldn't let her go for some reason. She told me that she thinks that she started having feelings for me as well and that we should try dating for a while and see where it leads. It ended 2 weeks later when she told me she was into this girl in her school (she is bisexual). Yet again I was heartbroken and decided that I can't continue feeling this way for her. I decided to let her go.

    That christmas my mother got a stroke and were close to dying and around this time my anxiety started for real again. I was worried day and night about my mother and about life in general. Mother got out of the hospital about 2 months later and things were pretty calm for a few months. Still my anxiety was running rampant and I was worried about almost everything everyday. I wouldn't let it get the best of me though and I decided to hold out until I graduated from high school.

    I graduated in June 2011 and was still staying at my mother's place looking for a job. That August my mother started freaking out again, calling me lazy as I couldn't get a job. She seemed to think that I wasn't even trying to get a job even though I was searching almost daily. I woke up early one morning in August 2011 feeling the same kinds of attacks I had when I was 12, but this time even more intense. I couldn't feel my right leg, arm or face and I started fearing that I was having some kind of serious medical condition. I remember going outside for a walk because I had to test myself to see if I could still use my limbs. I could use but not feel them. It was terrifying.

    I went to the hospital that day to get myself checked out. They told me that I've been having panic attacks which can lead to numbness in limbs. They gave me anti-anxiety medicine called sertraline and told me to take one a day.

    I ended up at my big brother's place a few days later and stayed with him for a couple of days. I didn't want to take the medicine and decided to hold off for a while to see if I could take care of this myself. Needless to say I had another severe panic attack while my brother was driving me somewhere. I finally decided that I couldn't stay at my mother's place and decided to move to my dad.

    For one year I was really feeling down. Having severe anxiety and panic attacks with a touch of Hypochondria since I was still not really feeling my right arm or leg. I could be up whole nights just crying and finding life empty and stale. One week got so painful that my father (who was working several miles from my home at the time) came home to be there for me when I needed him. I went to the hospital again and told them that I needed someone to talk to. I wanted help, they only told me to take the medicine and carry on with my life.

    I met another girl online during this period. We hit it off pretty good and I was starting to feel much better, I was finally having someone to share a certain part of my life with. I ended up visiting her a couple of times, having a really good time. However, in the summer of 2012 we were planning on me going to her mother's place where I was to getting to know her and one of her parents better. We were supposed to live in a cabin that her mother owned for a week. It sounded great!

    I was using the medicine at this time to hinder my panic attacks. Sometimes the pills would make me really tired and the night before I was going to her place I was chatting with her while laying in bed with my phone. I fell asleep when I was about to order my tickets and I overslept. So our plans were pretty much ruined. She thought however that I was avoiding her, so she took it personally that I screwed up.

    She didn't talk to me for a week and when we finally got around to talking I told her that I thought that she treated me unfairly without giving me time to explain I messed up. This ended up in her telling me that she thinks that I am always feeling sorry for myself and they we probably shouldn't be talking anymore, neither as friends or lovers. I was devastated and told her that I wanted to be alone and that I had to log off. To which she said: "There you go again! Feeling sorry for yourself!"

    I got angry and told her that I really liked her and that I felt sad about what she just told me about us not talking anymore. I said that she more or less was acting like a princess that everyone had to change themselves for.

    We were to meet at a convention that summer and I knew she was still going even though we didn't speak to each other anymore. Feeling bad about what I said I told her that I wanted to meet and talk about it face to face. She just sent me a message saying: "I don't have anything to say to you."

    I tried contacting her one several occasions telling her how sorry I was about what I said. She had already made up her mind though and never answered any of the messages I sent her. So I decided to leave her alone.

    Fast forward to today. When I am 21, still having big problems with anxiety and constantly comparing every girl I meet to the girl I met last year. I was really enjoying the time she and I had together I want to go back to make things right. I can't contact her since she has moved on and got together with another guy. I don't want to stalk her or make her uncomfortable. It's for the best that she just forgets about me.

    Also, the girl I liked until I was 18 just came home from a year in Japan, where she has met this guy she is madly in love with and they seem to be hitting it off really good. I still can't help feeling a bit jealous of that guy though. Why did he have it so easy when I didn't?

    I can't get rid of my anxiety, can't stop comparing girls to the girl I met last year and I am feeling so guilty for the things I said to her. I just don't know what to do about this and it's starting to feel hopeless.

    Thank you for reading this topic. I just don't know where to go anymore or what to do. The only times I feel really happy anymore is when a new game I am looking forward to comes out or if I am around my brother.
     
    BAHIM Z 360 likes this.
  2. Haloman800

    Haloman800 a real gril

    Member
    1,738
    524
    Dec 18, 2009
    United States
    Jesus said "Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, make your requests be known unto God". (Philippians 4:6). I heard one statistic which claimed 92% of everything we worry about doesn't happen.

    Jesus also said "Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to his life?" (Matthew 6:27).

    I will be praying for you to overcome your anxiety. God bless you.
     
    evandixon likes this.
  3. roastable

    roastable GBAtemp Regular

    Member
    186
    58
    Apr 11, 2011
    Canada
    Hey,
    It sounds like you're having a lot of issues with women in your life. I can't really offer any advice to help you out because I don't really know how to fix them myself. But, I'm quite honestly more than keen to listen and talk if you need to seeing as I think we could help each other out, knowing that someone is there for each of us.

    I won't say that my issues with female companions are the same, but they're eerily similar. It's hard to move on and let them go, and I still don't think that I can do it. I've figured that for me personally, my life has been centered around her ever since I met her, which logically isn't a really stable structure for life.

    I think that finding something within yourself to rely on is key, but I have no idea how to go about that or what it is.

    As for your mother, I'm really sorry. I can't relate as much to that, but I think I can listen, again, if you need to talk.

    I'm sorry if my writing is a little scattered or doesn't really make sense. I tried to write what I had to say quickly in order to respond to you as soon as possible.
     
  4. jargus

    jargus GBAtemp Advanced Fan

    Member
    544
    17
    Apr 11, 2007
    United States
    My girlfriend came from a shitty home environment and also has anxiety with depression. From what I can tell with my experience is that you have some sort of non-specifically diagnosed anxiety disorder. The first thing I have to recommend is do not go to a hospital for help. Anxiety disorders are a neurological and/or psychological problem. Your regular hospital doctors are simply unprepared or unequipped to handle it. What you need to do is see a psychiatrist and a therapist (both, not one or the other). The psychiatrist can diagnose specifically which anxiety disorder you have (there are many with different symptoms) and prescribe an effective medicine to help mitigate the effects of anxiety. The therapist can help you work through the issues you have on your mind and may involve some form of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) to help improve your outlook on things. Also being around people so negative will aggravate anxiety and make it worse. The most important thing to do is to do whatever you can to surround yourself with people who are receptive to you, whether it is in person or online (in person is always better). There are tons support groups for people with the same kind of problems you have. Remember that here is always a way forward and that you are more powerful than your anxiety. I hope this helps and isn't something you've seen said before. I don't have the disorder itself but I've seen over the past few years how it affects a person. If you want to discuss the matter in more detail shoot a PM. I'm no expert but I know a lot. Many sufferers won't seek help because they embarrassed, ashamed, guilty, etc of their illness. Please try to resist thinking like that. There people who have dedicated their entire professions to assisting those who are suffering just like you. I wish you luck in finding happiness
     
  5. Hells Malice

    Hells Malice Are you a bully?

    pip Contributor
    GBAtemp Patron
    Hells Malice is a Patron of GBAtemp and is helping us stay independent!

    Our Patreon
    6,163
    5,126
    Apr 9, 2009
    Canada
    Seems to be common for people not to know where to go anymore. It may sound cliche, but it's true, the only way to go is forward. As you live, as you breath, you move forward. That's it really, you just need to keep living. As hard, difficult or mundane as it may seem at times, maybe even long stretches of time, eventually you'll reach a point where you can be happy. The only people who can't find happiness are those who give up trying, give up moving forward.

    I can't say a damn thing about your anxiety. If you haven't tried the medication, I suggest you at least give it a shot. Most doctors don't just hand that crap out like candy. They're professionals.

    As for your girl troubles, I couldn't help but actually smile at,
    Story of my life right now. Makes me smile because it made ME realize i'm not the only one who feels like this. The girl of my dreams, and indeed someone i'm still trying to win over, and I are like this. I'd give her the world if she'd merely take my hand and let me. I wont go into detail but I continually lost to someone treating her much, much less than adequately.
    But that's enough of me, this thread is about you.
    When it comes to girls, or love, there comes a time when you have to realize it's time to move on. Ask yourself, is it worth pouring your heart and soul over these girls? As amazing as she may be, is it worth the pain and hardship of holding on?
    Most times you'll find it's easier to let go, and because you do you open yourself to further opportunity. By the sounds of the small snippet into your life that you gave, it seems at least the first door is closed to you. That girl you had a crush on has probably moved on by now, too much time has passed and it never seemed to really work to begin with.
    The online girl seems to have a pretty standoffish and disrespectful attitude, but I can't say if that door is shut or not. Up to you to decide really, like I said, ask yourself questions.
    By holding on, you stop moving. If you let go, you can go forward, and who knows, maybe someone 10x as amazing is waiting just a little bit ahead.

    I'm not really sure what you're after with this thread, so I just decided to do a short reply based on what seemed was most relevant to me.
     
  6. Arizato
    OP

    Arizato Memento Mori

    Member
    498
    147
    Jun 1, 2009
    I guess that I want some kind of direction. I haven't told anyone most of the things in the original topic and I needed to share it with someone. Replies have been helpful so far and you are right about many things now that I think about it. Even if it is sad to read that more people seem to have problems with someone they love it's still interesting to read about it to know that I am not alone. Most of my friends have been lucky in that aspect and have girlfriends/boyfriends who are wonderful people overall. Most of my friends girlfriends/boyfriends are dear friends to me now as well.

    Being worried about trivial things almost everyday eats away at you and it's so frustrating when the professionals aren't taking me seriously. Thinking that popping pills for years will make the problems go away.
     
  7. Sicklyboy

    Sicklyboy Resident Mechanical Keyboard Addict

    Global Moderator
    5,735
    4,735
    Jul 15, 2009
    United States
    [̲̅$̲̅(̲̅ ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°̲̅)̲̅$̲̅]

    This this this this this. As tough as it may be, at some point you just have to realize that it's wasted effort, cut your losses, and move forward. I feel like I bring this up in every single topic like this... but I always feel it's good...perspective - The last girl I was with, for almost two years, I thought she was the best thing ever. Me and "the best thing ever" broke up and got back together 3 times, like a couple that's seriously compatible with one another. Eventually she dumped me because I just "wasn't supportive enough" and it tore me up to hell. Fast forward 3 or 4 month, I ended up training a girl at work and we hit it off instantly, and here we are almost two and a half years later.

    My point is simply that the next and best is gonna be some place you likely won't expect it. You might find a girl at work, you might find a girl if you hang out at a bar with a few friends, you might find a girl when you're on the train or when you're at a concert. There's no rhyme or reason as to when or where you'll find someone compatible with, it just happens. But one of the worst things you can do is cloud your vision with the hope, disappointment, and expectations of something (or someone) that was an opportunity that came and passed. In other words, you're holding yourself back.

    As far as the mom-problems, I know where you're coming from to an extent. My dad was having an affair, so my mom kicked him out, and she drinks or goes out with her "not boyfriend" almost every single night. I rarely see her anymore. She hasn't become abusive like your mother has, but she has definitely changed... she's kinda a bitch now. I'm the oldest of two kids, my little brother being 14 nd also living with me and our mom. He visits my dad almost every weekend, I'd love to but I work a lot so I very rarely have an opportunity to.

    It's caused anxiety attacks for me, but not nearly as bad as you. It would usually happen at work and I'd start panicking, my throat would tighten and my heartrate and breathing would rapidly increase and I'd be almost to the verge of tears. It comes and goes, and it's not usually a problem. If I had the financial means to do so, I'd move out yesterday... unfortunately, it's not in the cards for me. I also don't want to leave my brother behind; I love him to death and I'm there for him when he needs it, and likewise with him for me.

    Make sure you keep an eye on your sister, make sure she handles everything okay. As for your anxiety attacks, I don't really have anything to offer other than what has already been mentioned - see a psychiatrist and a therapist. Don't turn to drugs or alcohol to cope, just find something else to occupy your time and keep your mind off of everything. I'll come home from work and have a few beers while I chill on the computer most nights, but that's the extent of what I do as far as that goes. Otherwise I just try to make it through each day after each day knowing that at some point in the future, hopefully sooner rather than later, things will change - hopefully getting my own place, for example.

    In short -

    Girl #1 - Fuck her, she's a bitch.
    Girl #2 - Fuck her, she's a bitch.
    Mom - Fuck her, she's a bitch.

    Fucking women, dude.

    People rarely take me up on the offer, but I always throw it out there anyway. If you want to vent to someone who doesn't know you and only knows the basics of your situation (and in this case actually has gone through some of the same stuff), who's not gonna judge you and will try to offer a few words of advice when possible, feel free to hit me up via PM. I'm on this site every single day.
     
  8. Arizato
    OP

    Arizato Memento Mori

    Member
    498
    147
    Jun 1, 2009
    Yeah. Me and my sister are talking almost daily. Her life har turned for the better in many ways. She found a really nice guy two years ago and graduated this summer. She decided to move in with him and they decided to get a new apartment together since he wanted her to be a part of choosing their new place to live. They've been really happy for the past few months and I'm sure I can't wish for a better situation for her at the moment. Her boyfriend is one of the best guys I've met in a really long time.

    You're not the first one to question Girl #1. Since her homecoming she has been bringing up her boyfriend from japan in many different topics. I don't know if she does it on purpose or if she is playing games with me. I consider her a dear friend, but people around me have told me time and time again that she is exploiting my old feelings for her. I'm not into her anymore in that way, but old feelings can still bite you in the ass.

    Same thing for Girl 2#. I've been told several times that she is a bitch and part of me thinks that as well. But I can't help but feeling like I messed up. Like If I handled things a little more maturely we would still be talking today at least. I think that I am beating myself up so much over her because she appealed to me in many different ways. She shared many of my interests while still being good at her own stuff. She was a great artist and made me alot of cool art. Hell, she and I even had the same views on sex and shared many "fetishes" (Nothing nasty FYI, just certain kinds of clothing and whatnot). It was the first time in my life that someone fit me so perfectly and it was clear pretty early that we were interested in each other. Taking all this into account I feel like I messed up bigtime like I wrote before. If it took me this long to find someone so good. Then when will I get to find another one which clicks with me so well again?

    I've had the luck of getting away from my mother. I'm rarely there anymore. Makes me wish that you and your brother had the chance to move out anytime soon, as problems at home are a constant reminder of bad times. I wouldn't mind speaking to someone who seem to know what I am going through. Thank you!
     
  9. TheBlueSky

    TheBlueSky Advanced Member

    Newcomer
    95
    56
    Aug 7, 2013
    United States
    I am unable to provide you a solution but I must say this:

    You have nice communication skills and you know really well how to express your thoughts and feelings into words.
     
    calmwaters, ßleck and Arizato like this.
  10. Arizato
    OP

    Arizato Memento Mori

    Member
    498
    147
    Jun 1, 2009

    Wow, that's one of the nicest things I've heard in a while. Thank you! It means alot!
     
    TheBlueSky likes this.
  11. BORTZ

    BORTZ You get a hat, and YOU get a hat!

    Supervisor
    GBAtemp Patron
    BORTZ is a Patron of GBAtemp and is helping us stay independent!

    Our Patreon
    11,754
    14,901
    Dec 2, 2007
    United States
    Pittsburgh
    Yeah after reading all that, you managed to make me feel quite a bit of how you do. That is not an easy thing to do with words.

    That said, I really just want to give you a hug.
     
    EZ-Megaman and Arizato like this.
  12. Arizato
    OP

    Arizato Memento Mori

    Member
    498
    147
    Jun 1, 2009

    I mostly write on my computer when I feel down. This is literally the first time I've let this much out by telling people about my experiences. Thank you!

    Virtual hugs are always welcome if real ones aren't possible!
     
    BortzANATOR likes this.
  13. BORTZ

    BORTZ You get a hat, and YOU get a hat!

    Supervisor
    GBAtemp Patron
    BORTZ is a Patron of GBAtemp and is helping us stay independent!

    Our Patreon
    11,754
    14,901
    Dec 2, 2007
    United States
    Pittsburgh
    Writing is a really good way to get your feelings out. When I got tangled up in the awful web with a girl that was just using me, the best way to get over her was to write two letters to her. One was a sincere letter telling her how she hurt me and why I didnt think this was fair. The second was the move violently worded letter I have ever written, ending with
    Warning: Spoilers inside!
    But you never send either of them. You throw them away with your feelings and start moving on.

    Now obviously your situation is different. But the same thing applies, writing and getting it out is good. Even better, if you have someone to talk to, that would probably help even more. The internet can be a great place, but we can only get you so far.

    I wish you luck.
     
    EZ-Megaman likes this.
  14. Arizato
    OP

    Arizato Memento Mori

    Member
    498
    147
    Jun 1, 2009

    Yep. It's basically what I did here. Although not involving the angry parts. I am angry, but mostly just feeling down. Was really unsure if I should've posted this in the first place. I know people in the world have it far worse than I ever had or will ever have. It just felt kinda wrong at first, you know. But it feels good to know that people here understand me and try to help out.
     
    BortzANATOR likes this.
  15. BORTZ

    BORTZ You get a hat, and YOU get a hat!

    Supervisor
    GBAtemp Patron
    BORTZ is a Patron of GBAtemp and is helping us stay independent!

    Our Patreon
    11,754
    14,901
    Dec 2, 2007
    United States
    Pittsburgh
    Dont ever think that your problems are too small. If that was the case then no one would ask for help lol
     
    EZ-Megaman and Arizato like this.
  16. Arizato
    OP

    Arizato Memento Mori

    Member
    498
    147
    Jun 1, 2009

    It's more or less my nature to deal with my problems AFTER I've dealt with everyone else's problems. Hell, I'm even holding back from getting angry at people because I am afraid of hurting them with something I might say. My levels of Empathy/Sympathy are very high and I hate when people around me are sad or hurt.
     
  17. Sicklyboy

    Sicklyboy Resident Mechanical Keyboard Addict

    Global Moderator
    5,735
    4,735
    Jul 15, 2009
    United States
    [̲̅$̲̅(̲̅ ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°̲̅)̲̅$̲̅]

    If that logic applied to everyone, only one person would ever be able to complain, because someone always has it worse. Significant or insignificant otherwise, never think that a problem isn't worth mentioning. One of the worst things you can do is keep yourself bottled up. There are always people who have it worse who think that due to that, nobody else is allowed to complain, but there are also people who have it better, and often times they have been in the same situations.

    Another friend of mine is going through some rough times right now as well, and I'd like to tell you the same thing I told him - In order for something to get better, it has to get - or initially be - worse in the first place. You're at the "it's worse" stage right now, which means you've got a whole lotta "it's getting better" on the horizon. It may not be today, it may not be tomorrow, next week, or next month, but know that it's coming, and it might not be apparent at first, but looking back, you'll see things steadily improve. There may be points where it gets worse again, but it will always bounce back.
     
  18. nando

    nando GBAtemp Addict

    Member
    2,131
    395
    Jan 1, 2008
    United States
    you should learn to be happy alone before you can expect any happy relationship with anyone else. forget your mom, the girls and live with yourself instead of seeking out relationships.

    heathy relationships involve healthy individuals.
     
  19. Arizato
    OP

    Arizato Memento Mori

    Member
    498
    147
    Jun 1, 2009

    Yeah, my outlook changes from day to day. I can be really positive one day while being completely bummed out the next day. Sometimes I am really depressed in the morning but it gets alot better during the day and when I am going to bed I am barely feeling any depression at all.

    I really get what you mean and I do appriciate your advice. I know I should think like that. But... And this might sound childish. But I really fear aging and losing time in my life. I have this fear that I won't find love until I am approaching 30 or older. I want my youth to be filled with good memories of me and this nice girl together. I have also approached the age where people around me expect me to have som experience with women. I have none though. I'm a virgin and the most I've done with a girl is something that could more or less be considered foreplay. Now don't get me wrong. Sex isn't what I want a girlfriend for. I want companionship on another level besides being friends. I want to touch and be touched, both mentally and physically. I forgot many of my issues and my anxiety when I spent time with Girl #2 last year. It was a moment of clarity and pure happiness, something that I hadn't felt in years before that. As cheesy as it sounds I had really forgotten what it felt like until i met her.
     
  20. J-Machine

    J-Machine Self proclaimed Pog champion

    Member
    670
    232
    Aug 25, 2011
    Canada
    A concrete Igloo
    Before I start addressing your concerns I want you to know that you are indeed not alone in this and your personality based on your experiences and environment is atypical and found everywhere in the world. I commend you for not taking the more aggressive path that includes physical harm, drug abuse, and lashing out at others. However I feel I should say that there is also nothing wrong with being angry. It helps us cope at times just as much as a good time with friends or watching a squirrel spaz out over a piece of bread. Allowing yourself the ability to accept the negative emotions you feel and allowing them to be a part of your life will help you more than you might realize. People here have already given you exercises that allow you a way to channel these emotions in a positive way like writing letters, especially if you give them a humorous spin like the guy who ends his letter with "c**t punting" someone. They may seem silly or even something that isn't you or comfortable to do but most competent therapists will give you the letter idea as an exercise. Another suggestion is getting a new hobby. as an outlet it can preoccupy your thoughts and give you a group to befriend based on said hobby. The accomplishments you achieve through this can also boost morale during times of anxiety towards the worth of your life.

    Now for my two cents:

    You and I share a lot of similarities. I've had a broken home (though not as bad as yours the core problems were there just handled somewhat differently) I've had a real lacklustre and often depressing love life (both regarding my family and the 7 girlfriends I couldn't keep and the friends who naturally moved away and started a life that didn't include me despite being the one guy who kept that group together) having difficulties with personal achievements only to be brought down by those you love (Your mother thought you were lazy for not finding a job despite how hard you tried, my father has given me crap for having panic attacks saying I'm being irrational and that my life is gonna be worthless if I keep it up despite being the one person of my siblings who can actually obtain a semblance of success even if it disappears faster than a shooting star.) There are few things worse in life than having to grow up in a broken home. You, me, and countless others are a testament to that. However, in some twisted sense of positivity, this occurrence not being rare means there is a wealth of knowledge and support to help anyone overcome their problems so long as they look to overcome them. It seems you already have people who want you to succeed in his forum and I hope our support gives you the courage and determination to take further steps like finding a therapist or support group or even just trying any of the suggestions we give you. This is not by any means an easy thing to overcome and is a problem you may have for the rest of your life (why sugar coat this and open you to more pain later) however, many people have recovered or learned to cope with these issues (they say it takes a month for every year to change a behaviour. you have many behavioural issues given to you and it's been given to you for most of your life. It will not be easy to overcome your anxiety but it can be done; slowly but surely it can be done.)

    I'll help you in any way I can as I too am coping with anxiety issues (compassion fatigue is something I struggle with often and it sounds like you might be preparing to travel down that road yourself.) and the last thing I want is for someone else to experience this pain, no matter if I know them or not. Just remember: Never save your emotions for yourself. the more you bottle it in the more intense it will explode out of you much like a shaken can of soda. live your emotions, accept your emotions, then let go of those emotions that hurt you so. eventually you'll feel better about yourself and you will never feel the need to hold yourself off again.

    if you are unsure of how to interpret these emotions make sure you bring up these topics to a therapist to try and single out what you need help with:

    separation anxiety (could very well have been the catalyst for your existing problems)
    agoraphobia (not in the sense of not wanting to leave the house so much as loosing the ability to control what happens to you emotionally or physically outside of what you feel is comfortable)
    compassion fatique (or burnout)
    phopophopia (yes you can have anxiety issues purely from not wanting to have an anxiety attack or face something you know will trigger them.)
    rejection sensitivity (a broken home and bad relationships can cause the mind to become anxious over the thought of people not returning your emotions, avoiding you, or being negative towards you despite your efforts to want their company and acceptance.)

    Best of luck to you. heres to hoping for the best.
     
    Arizato likes this.