Dad passed away 2 weeks ago today. I have a lot of thoughts so forgive me if things aren't structured well, I just want to get them out here.
I actually don't feel super awful like I thought I would. I think that this is because I knew for the last 2 years where this would ultimately go (he was diagnosed at stage 4), and I've been talking about it with friends ever since over that period of time. I guess that's helped my process it more than if my dad just died unexpectedly.
A month ago, he had a problem that put his life in danger and we thought he was going to die right then and there. I talked to him then, and I told him everything I wanted to and he did the same for me. Turns out he was okay for a little bit after that (about 4-5 weeks!) so I think that's also why it hasn't hurt as much. Many people would give anything to have "one last conversation" with someone that died, and not only did I get to have that, but he even bought a whole month of time afterwards. I think I'm extremely lucky.
I recorded some of our calls and conversations because I don't want to forget his voice. He also wanted to show off a stylus he got for his phone, so he just wrote an "I love you" on my phone's notes app in his handwriting. You bet I'm keeping that forever.
I miss him a lot. Had a dream about my dad a few nights ago. He was healthy and I was just hanging out in his room as if he had never gotten sick. I don't remember what we were talking about, but it wasn't important; just everyday stuff. After a bit he said he had to leave to talk to his friends and other family, and we hugged and that's around when I woke up.
I'm not superstitious but part of me wants to believe this was really him. I'm grateful I at least had this dream because I was the one person he got to see the least (I had to stay behind in America for a majority of the time to focus on school as he wanted, while he was in Korea with his parents and my mom). Last words I had with him were basically "I've just got finals so I'll work super hard and see you again next weekend!" only to find he passed the Tuesday after.
Thank you to everyone who read and commented on the last few posts, and I'm sorry that I didn't do any updates.
Right now? I'm honestly not okay. But I will be.
I actually don't feel super awful like I thought I would. I think that this is because I knew for the last 2 years where this would ultimately go (he was diagnosed at stage 4), and I've been talking about it with friends ever since over that period of time. I guess that's helped my process it more than if my dad just died unexpectedly.
A month ago, he had a problem that put his life in danger and we thought he was going to die right then and there. I talked to him then, and I told him everything I wanted to and he did the same for me. Turns out he was okay for a little bit after that (about 4-5 weeks!) so I think that's also why it hasn't hurt as much. Many people would give anything to have "one last conversation" with someone that died, and not only did I get to have that, but he even bought a whole month of time afterwards. I think I'm extremely lucky.
I recorded some of our calls and conversations because I don't want to forget his voice. He also wanted to show off a stylus he got for his phone, so he just wrote an "I love you" on my phone's notes app in his handwriting. You bet I'm keeping that forever.
I miss him a lot. Had a dream about my dad a few nights ago. He was healthy and I was just hanging out in his room as if he had never gotten sick. I don't remember what we were talking about, but it wasn't important; just everyday stuff. After a bit he said he had to leave to talk to his friends and other family, and we hugged and that's around when I woke up.
I'm not superstitious but part of me wants to believe this was really him. I'm grateful I at least had this dream because I was the one person he got to see the least (I had to stay behind in America for a majority of the time to focus on school as he wanted, while he was in Korea with his parents and my mom). Last words I had with him were basically "I've just got finals so I'll work super hard and see you again next weekend!" only to find he passed the Tuesday after.
Thank you to everyone who read and commented on the last few posts, and I'm sorry that I didn't do any updates.
Right now? I'm honestly not okay. But I will be.
