As much as I love to be active and positive and engage with life without care for negativity, there is a lot of things I struggle with.
One of these is a feeling of not being good enough, a fear of engaging because I don't know anything and would harm the discussion. That I am somehow "unfit" to help anyone or be helped by anyone.
Forums are a great example. I find a topic that I know something about, I see a question that has no answer yet and I think "I got this". So I write it, and before sending it I think "Am I really right? No doubt someone else who knows more will show up and prove me wrong and brand me as a loser who knows nothing". This gives me pause, sometimes I delete the draft and other times I add countless addendums like "Correct me if I'm wrong" and "I apologise if my advice causes any harm". Any of this of course varies wildly depending on the situation.
This stops me from contributing to conversations I would otherwise contribute to, which sucks.
Another example is support tickets. I have a problem, I would like someone to look at it. But what if the problem was my fault? What if there is no problem and I am making a big deal of something for no reason? What if the person on the other end could be doing many much more important things rather than responding to my useless ticket?
And when my worst fears are confirmed, I feel awful. It feels like I have wasted someones time and that nobody will ever trust me again. I retreat into my own shame and have trouble recovering. People will say that its okay, but it never feels okay. I think about what could have been if I had known better or approached the situation in a different way, and that makes me feel miserable.
In a job situation, I will constantly ask to make sure that I am doing the right things and apologise needlessly for failings that may or may not even exist. This does not make me an appealing person to have in a workplace. The fact that I am not good at these things only feeds into the problem, it confirms my fear that I am not good enough.
In a relationship (like my current one), it makes things difficult. I end up constantly seeking approval and reinforcement that I am someone who is cared about, and constantly worry that I will be left for not being good enough, which has happened in the past with other people. I am lucky currently to have someone who can bear with me through that, but it does not stop the feelings from happening regardless.
I do not have much faith or pride in myself. I like to give off an aura of knowing what I am doing and that I am sure of myself, but in reality I worry a whole lot about what others think and even about myself. I am not sure of myself, I do not know for sure who I am or what I want to become and I don't think that's okay.
This entry is a ramble, a way of getting thoughts out of my head and into actual words. I will likely be okay and am not currently lost inside a spiral of negativity. I have struggles, we all do.
Constructive comments are welcome, opposing or not, but please don't be heavily negative or pessimistic for the sake of it or I will set my blog to private (people I follow). I don't want to hear it right now.
The question(s) I would have is, how does one gain faith, trust and pride in themselves as a person? How do I as a person grow to be stronger and to not be affected by these situations? I don't believe it is as simple as "Ignore those who put you down" or similar statements. Nothing is never that simple, I cannot change myself in a single night or with a single thought.
One of these is a feeling of not being good enough, a fear of engaging because I don't know anything and would harm the discussion. That I am somehow "unfit" to help anyone or be helped by anyone.
Forums are a great example. I find a topic that I know something about, I see a question that has no answer yet and I think "I got this". So I write it, and before sending it I think "Am I really right? No doubt someone else who knows more will show up and prove me wrong and brand me as a loser who knows nothing". This gives me pause, sometimes I delete the draft and other times I add countless addendums like "Correct me if I'm wrong" and "I apologise if my advice causes any harm". Any of this of course varies wildly depending on the situation.
This stops me from contributing to conversations I would otherwise contribute to, which sucks.
Another example is support tickets. I have a problem, I would like someone to look at it. But what if the problem was my fault? What if there is no problem and I am making a big deal of something for no reason? What if the person on the other end could be doing many much more important things rather than responding to my useless ticket?
And when my worst fears are confirmed, I feel awful. It feels like I have wasted someones time and that nobody will ever trust me again. I retreat into my own shame and have trouble recovering. People will say that its okay, but it never feels okay. I think about what could have been if I had known better or approached the situation in a different way, and that makes me feel miserable.
In a job situation, I will constantly ask to make sure that I am doing the right things and apologise needlessly for failings that may or may not even exist. This does not make me an appealing person to have in a workplace. The fact that I am not good at these things only feeds into the problem, it confirms my fear that I am not good enough.
In a relationship (like my current one), it makes things difficult. I end up constantly seeking approval and reinforcement that I am someone who is cared about, and constantly worry that I will be left for not being good enough, which has happened in the past with other people. I am lucky currently to have someone who can bear with me through that, but it does not stop the feelings from happening regardless.
I do not have much faith or pride in myself. I like to give off an aura of knowing what I am doing and that I am sure of myself, but in reality I worry a whole lot about what others think and even about myself. I am not sure of myself, I do not know for sure who I am or what I want to become and I don't think that's okay.
This entry is a ramble, a way of getting thoughts out of my head and into actual words. I will likely be okay and am not currently lost inside a spiral of negativity. I have struggles, we all do.
Constructive comments are welcome, opposing or not, but please don't be heavily negative or pessimistic for the sake of it or I will set my blog to private (people I follow). I don't want to hear it right now.
The question(s) I would have is, how does one gain faith, trust and pride in themselves as a person? How do I as a person grow to be stronger and to not be affected by these situations? I don't believe it is as simple as "Ignore those who put you down" or similar statements. Nothing is never that simple, I cannot change myself in a single night or with a single thought.