When I try to sleep I usually end up turning around from side to side thinking about things. Prevalent topics in these instances I will discuss here:
-My future, I start imagining what would happen were I to make certain choices. I imagine the full situation, the conversations I'd have with the people involved, the things I¡d have to give up, the pros and cons, everything, but in the end I kind of overwhelm myself, and end up getting confused... oddly when I wake up that confusion is no more.
-Meeting with some... saviour? I've been fantasizing about meeting an intelligent looking person that will come and take me away to see the world. Of course that person wouldn't be saving me were it not for the troubles that fog my head, mainly economic ones.
It all went downhill after my grandfather died, he basically payed for all of our (my mom, grandma and I) expenses, which were... well, expensive. Before he died we usually spent a lot, A LOT, of money. But some time before his death he was trying to cover some debts he and my grandma had, only my grandma never bothered to check our financial situation, so when he died everyone was shocked to see all he/we/they owed to many places. Don't you think how it was noble of him to try not to rid us of what we were used to having in order to pay everything? So that's mainly why I'd like to meet some person like that. And engage in fun conversations with him/her. But that's so selfish of me... I shouldn't think like that. It probably will never happen. But if I lose hope it surely never will! I feel conflicted.
-How videogames are a waste of time. I don't think they're doing any good, but they aren't doing me and harm too. They're just there, to keep me entertained when I'm feeling otiose. But maybe they aren't a waste of time... ? Or maybe I'm just growing out of them... ? I can never make up my mind when it comes to this and other things. I hate how indecise I am. But I can't really fix that part of me.
Now about the second topic, I also have a conflict there. When I think of this glorious person, I imagine it as a man. Does that mean I'm gay? It's weird, maybe I'm just influenced by all those novels I've read, where men are usually the ones with such roles, it's like I'm becoming Monsieur Bovary
. Then again I also often fantasize of me meeting some girl I can share everything with, and having magical moments with her, then having children and just living a happy life. But I also have a hard time thinking of women as an object of sexual desire, which is needed to have children, and to have a child in a laboratory seems so unnatural, don't you think? So don't say that. I feel disgusted of myself when I think about women that way. However, I also feel like that when I think of men as an object of sexual desire, which I have. I'm confused, but maybe this is a normal process. I hope it is.
-My future, I start imagining what would happen were I to make certain choices. I imagine the full situation, the conversations I'd have with the people involved, the things I¡d have to give up, the pros and cons, everything, but in the end I kind of overwhelm myself, and end up getting confused... oddly when I wake up that confusion is no more.
-Meeting with some... saviour? I've been fantasizing about meeting an intelligent looking person that will come and take me away to see the world. Of course that person wouldn't be saving me were it not for the troubles that fog my head, mainly economic ones.
It all went downhill after my grandfather died, he basically payed for all of our (my mom, grandma and I) expenses, which were... well, expensive. Before he died we usually spent a lot, A LOT, of money. But some time before his death he was trying to cover some debts he and my grandma had, only my grandma never bothered to check our financial situation, so when he died everyone was shocked to see all he/we/they owed to many places. Don't you think how it was noble of him to try not to rid us of what we were used to having in order to pay everything? So that's mainly why I'd like to meet some person like that. And engage in fun conversations with him/her. But that's so selfish of me... I shouldn't think like that. It probably will never happen. But if I lose hope it surely never will! I feel conflicted.
-How videogames are a waste of time. I don't think they're doing any good, but they aren't doing me and harm too. They're just there, to keep me entertained when I'm feeling otiose. But maybe they aren't a waste of time... ? Or maybe I'm just growing out of them... ? I can never make up my mind when it comes to this and other things. I hate how indecise I am. But I can't really fix that part of me.
Now about the second topic, I also have a conflict there. When I think of this glorious person, I imagine it as a man. Does that mean I'm gay? It's weird, maybe I'm just influenced by all those novels I've read, where men are usually the ones with such roles, it's like I'm becoming Monsieur Bovary
. Then again I also often fantasize of me meeting some girl I can share everything with, and having magical moments with her, then having children and just living a happy life. But I also have a hard time thinking of women as an object of sexual desire, which is needed to have children, and to have a child in a laboratory seems so unnatural, don't you think? So don't say that. I feel disgusted of myself when I think about women that way. However, I also feel like that when I think of men as an object of sexual desire, which I have. I'm confused, but maybe this is a normal process. I hope it is.
