The Tell-A-Joke Thread

[IncredulousP]

My doctor recommended a flu shot, but I told her it would be in vein.

 

[GhostLatte]

A burglar was breaking into a house out in the country and heard “Jesus is watching.” The burglar thought he was going mad until he turned the light and saw a parrot who kept repeating the phrase. He saw that the parrot was named Moses and said what kind of idiot names their parrot that. The parrot replied “The same idiot that name that their Rottweiler Jesus.”

 

[Alexander1970]

We had a dog without legs and no name....

No name? Why, if you had called him, he would not have come anyway .....

 

[x65943]

We had a dog without legs and no name....

No name? Why, if you had called him, he would not have come anyway .....

About that

In Vietnam they don't name cats

I asked someone his cat's name and he said "only dogs get names"

 

[IncredulousP]

I asked the baker if he could bake me something small. He said "piece of cake."

 

[Mollycule]

About that

In Vietnam they don't name cats

I asked someone his cat's name and he said "only dogs get names"

How many tickles does it take to make octopus laugh?

Ten tickles.

...

 

[IncredulousP]

I was gonna bake some cookies, but I had no dough for ingredients

 

[Alexander1970]

D´ough....

 

[Veho]

 

[Alexander1970]

Firewood Rentalcompany

Wifi Cable

Says the Pessimist "It does not get any worse!"
Says the Optimist: "Yes!"

 

[Alexander1970]

What is dangerous ?

Sneezing in diarrhea !

 

[Jiehfeng]

A Kung Fu student asks his teacher: "Master, why does my ability not improve? I'm always defeated."
And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers: "My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun, and their wings seeming like flames?"

"Yes, my master, I have."

"And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?"

"Yes, my master, I have witnessed it."

"And the moon... when it touches the calm water to reflect all its enormous beauty?"

"Yes, my master, I have also seen this marvelous phenomenon."


"That is the problem. You keep watching all this shit instead of training."

 

[Alexander1970]

Patient: "Doctor, I'm already 68 years old and always get a whistle in my ear, after I slept with my wife."
Doctor: "What did you expect, standing ovation ?!"

 

[Veho]

 

[Alexander1970]

"Dad, whenever you leave the house, comes the man from the environment protection. "

-"From the environmental protection?"

"Yes, he asks if the air is clear."

 

[slaphappygamer]

What did the five fingers say to the face?

 

[Alexander1970]

What did the five fingers say to the face?

*ouch* .... A hard word.

 

[AmandaRose]

1. I sold my vacuum cleaner the other day. All it was doing was collecting dust.

2. Did you hear about the Italian chef who died? He pasta-way

3. If you are American when you go into the Bathroom and American when you come out what are you in the bathroom? European

4. Knock knock

Who’s there?

Interrupting cow.

Interrupting c–

MOO!

 

[Veho]

I'm selling my Theremin. I haven't touched it in years.

 

[SG854]

Yo momma is so fat