How do I tell them

JinTrigger

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So I don't want this to be a long drawn out post so I'll make this as short as possible. Basically there is this girl I was dating and unfortunately our parents dislikes the other person. It got to the point where my parents threaten to kick me out if I didn't stop talking to her cause they think her mom is crazy. Of course I didn't listen and I just talked to her in secret, but I don't want to have to hide her anymore. So my question is as a 19 year old who can make my own decision, how can I sit my parents down and tell them she is what I want....I kinda want to do this before Thanksgiving because this girl is really important to me and I want her to spend Thanksgiving with my family.
 

monkat

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You may be able to make your own decisions, but unless you can financially support yourself, your decisions are worth jackshit.

All telling your parents will do is let them know that you have been lying to them for however long. Even if they do accept it, which they won't, there's no way in hell they would let her intrude on their thanksgiving!

But, if you are truly adamant in doing it, just say "hey, let's talk", and then calmly bring it up. Don't go in a fit of pride, "I want to see her, and I will whether you like it or not!". It won't work. Just...."Let's...talk about [name]. I've been seeing her for a while, even though you said not to, and I really just want you to accept her."

Thing is, parents aren't in your emotional state. They can only see snippets of what goes on, and when they make a decision, it's going to be hard to turn around, simply because they don't see a lot.
 

exangel

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No matter how strong your hopes are, I wouldn't be overly optimistic about changing your parents' points of view.
I was pretty much prepared to marry someone about 6 years ago, I just had to go with him to meet his family for the first time. Now, he knew that his parents weren't thrilled with me, but he thought that as time passed and they still invited us to Christmas, that they were offering a white flag. Holy crap was he wrong, and his mother took the very first opportunity to sit me down face to face and berate me from every imaginable angle she'd perceived me to be wrong for her son.
The rest of the week didn't go so well either. That was the most utterly destructive miscalculation that gentleman and I ever made having to do with our relationship. I could not come to grips with his mother's unreasonable hatred of me even though he was willing to renounce his parents to stay together. I broke up with him and I stayed out of relationships for 2 1/2 years -.-

There's a lot more potential to harm your relationship with her if you bring her to Thanksgiving knowing that your parents disapprove of your relationship, especially if this is the first year you've been together.. as far as being an adult and making your own decision, and being at the mercy of having their roof over your head, that has to be a risk you're willing to take if you are going to discuss it with them and they hate you for hiding the continued relationship from them...

By the way, you made a thread a few days ago mentioning MMO's and having a netbook with only 1gb of ram, and you never responded in it.. I said that I have a spare 200-pin 2GB DDR2 chip just sitting here doing nothing and if you can confirm that it's definitely compatible with your netbook, I'll send it your way. It's an OCZ2M8002G
 

Issac

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So you can't see that girl, because her mom is crazy according to your parents? That makes me wonder who's the most crazy... no offence!

just tell them: She's not her mother.
 

monkat

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Issac said:
So you can't see that girl, because her mom is crazy according to your parents? That makes me wonder who's the most crazy... no offence!

just tell them: She's not her mother.

Parents, in my experience, will rarely tell the truth in these matters. They don't want you to feel insulted, and as a benefit, any argument you throw at it will fall flat.

His parents don't like the girl - the parents are just the cover.
 

JinTrigger

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Honestly my parents love the girl....they really can't stand her mom (honestly I can't blame them), but this would be our 2nd thankgiving...technically i missed the 1st cause i was wasting my fucking time in basic training.

@exangel
You do have a point...I'm just ready to get serious with her though. Well after reading these post I probably won't do it...my parents pay little to no attention to me half the time unless it has something to do with school/job/cleaning my room. I guess I have to wait til she graduates....but then she'll be 2 hours away so we won't have the freedom/time we have now.
 

exangel

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Well, if she's been close to you for over a year I'd say it would be a risk more worth taking, especially if you're confident that your parents love the girl and their problem is truly with her mother. If you can show to them that you are planning for the future and she's a part of it, in a very sincere way that appreciates their motives for having wanted to separate you, you may have better luck than I would've thought.

Please let me know if you want that RAM chip for your netbook. >.>

edit:

JinTrigger said:
@exangel
You do have a point...I'm just ready to get serious with her though. Well after reading these post I probably won't do it...my parents pay little to no attention to me half the time unless it has something to do with school/job/cleaning my room. I guess I have to wait til she graduates....but then she'll be 2 hours away so we won't have the freedom/time we have now.
If you are careful about planning the situation where you will discuss this with your parents, they may not be as combative about the idea of your relationship with her. Inviting her to Thanksgiving is going to have to be a judgment call on your end with how the discussion goes if you choose to have it.
You are going to have to put your relationship with her in a context of seriousness and careful planning between you and her, and doing that effectively will help justify the months you've spent keeping your contact with her a secret. On one hand you have violated their trust by keeping the relationship a secret, but on the other, if you are getting a job or working in the armed forces or in some way showing that you are more than their son now, you're your own person too and can make the decision to have that relationship in a mature way.. there may be hope.
 

Canonbeat234

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REALITY CHECK!! You have no chance of being with the girl if your parents don't approve! Parents are not these 'Powerful people can choose what you do with your life'. They care for your safety and sanity, don't let the sentimental love get to you. Wait a little longer
 
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