Fuck I think I'm having psuedo-withdrawal symptoms from not being on my meds, it's only been about three days so far. I feel sick. Like vomit inducing sick. It seems like I'm gonna puke at any minute, it comes up, it comes down but it never comes out. I don't know if that sounds dirty or whatever, but I feel as though I'm on the sea and the storms getting rough.
My voice hearing has been quite irritating, and repetitive. I haven't been able to control as usual, although at times I do, it becomes very difficult to maintain the control. I've felt suicidal but I don't think I'm in danger of doing any self harm (though that has popped up too) or putting myself or anyone living here in any danger either. It's just a normal feeling of wanting to die or to kill. Which is pretty harmless in itself. Everyone feels like this from time to time, so I'm not sweating from it much.
Writing is taking my mind off in the sense that if I type it's out of my system, in some weird way. Like if you're being stressed about something that's, well, stressing you getting it out in the open can, for the most part, prove a relief and remove some of the burden. Well I think my voice hearing and the sickness are brought on by psychological causes. If I believe for long enough that I will always remain ill, I will become ill. Or something like that. I don't know. I'm just finding it a little difficult to adjust my regular schedule of not popping pills at a certain time, and of a certain quantity down my throat. Washing it down with water, and telling myself that this is going to make me better.
Even if it is a placebo effect which is taking place I don't see why it isn't a good thing. May be my illness is all psychological rather than any physical illness. Though there is the small matter of a chemical imbalance in my brain that is contributing to the illness, and it's taking the medication that puts right the imbalance in the brain. Without the medication I will suffer from withdrawal symptoms initially with other symptoms creeping in slowly. I feel my behaviour is starting to feel more than a little bit erratic. I feel twitchy, like I'm just going to explode if anyone talks to me, not physically explode, obviously but metaphorically, like I'm going to scream my head off, but my head will still be attached to my neck.
My sleep patterns have changed too. I've noticed that I'm going back to the old days of not sleeping until the early hours of the morning, then sleeping through the day and waking up at night and repeating the whole fucking thing again. The meds worked as a sedative as well, helping me get to sleep. I don't have the luxury of that any more, so now I'm stuck with living as a night owl. Eventually this will turn into insomnia again, and I'll go back to my fucked up habits of not sleeping for days then sleeping a bit and then being up for days again. I'll probably turn to drugs again.
Talking of drugs, I've not touched coke or anything since August I think is the last time I had any. I'm in two minds about using again, on the one hand I'll go see my mate, and then we normally do drugs together and enjoy getting high. On the other hand I haven't had it for a few months now and I wouldn't like to remain off it.
Fuck I'm going to try and sleep but I doubt I'll be able to. What the fuck am I going to do for the rest of the fucking morning?