Welp, since a CERTAIN COMPANY IS BEING SHIT
@Chary WHY WOULD THIS HAPPEN TO ME
I took a gamble and bought a cheapo Asus prebuilt on eBay with very little info that claims to have:
A GTX 970
i5 3340s
16GB of RAM
and a 1TB HDD
...for $200 total. I
highly doubt it has a 970 in it for this price, but for $200 the price is decent enough for a basic PC that's not a SFF Dell or HP that I can shove a GPU in. If it has no 970 in it, I'll just buy a 1060 for cheapo and toss one in it, but if it does than dang.
EDIT: Well, after some searching for the prebuilt it's supposed to be, I'm not...entirely confident in the actual specs
https://www.asus.com/us/Tower-PCs/M11AA/ < Unless the swapped that 350W PSU for something bigger, there's no way a 970 was stable in that
Hopefully they did, and I'm just getting real lucky.