Hello fellow Tempers! Love is one of those universal topics understood by everyone regardless of their individual differences. Many people believe it to be a power that can bring out the good in anyone but there are some who have felt the nasty sting of it to the point they no longer trust love. I wanted to share that darker side of love that many people don't share. I call it a story but a story has to have an ending and, spoiler alert, there is no ending to it as of yet. But I still feel like sharing what has happened so far since media, friends, and family only seem to highlight the good parts about love. So without further ado, let us begin!
To begin our journey, we have to go back to a time where things were simpler. No, not all the way to the Stone Age but the tail end of the 90s. We are starting this story all the way back to my days in kindergarten. Yes, that time where people didn't judge you for picking your nose or your teacher wouldn't get angry for the dog eating your homework. But to many kids whether they were boys or girls, attraction to the other sex (or any sex) was typically thought of as gross. However I was different. Instead of thinking how icky cooties were, I often found my gaze being averted to one of the girls in my class. I'm not sure many people would agree that I was in love with her but it certainly introduced me to the notion of a male and female being together. In fact, I was so infatuated with her that I ended up writing a poem about her! Unfortunately, we had to read aloud those poems so I had to ad lib the parts where I talk about her so as to not expose my secret. And since we were in kindergarten class together, there was a good chance I would be able to see her all throughout elementary school. Too bad things never progressed past childhood crush. We never became friends or even talked to each other that much. Heck, I was even bullied just for sitting next to her in 5th grade which goes to show you how attractive she was since she got the sight of more than just me. I even think I told everyone that I had a crush on her by the time we graduated because at that point, I knew there was no point in crushing on her anymore. Fast forward to middle school and...well, not much happens romantically speaking. I didn't find a new girl to crush on since most of the kids in my grade were from elementary school so it felt like the sequel to elementary school. It wasn't until high school that I would say this story truly begins...
There seems to be mixed opinions about high school? Some people regard it as the best part of their lives where they would meet their high school sweethearts whereas others lament the immense bullying they receive from those higher on the social ladder. For me, I would definitely say it was where I peaked in life. I mentioned earlier I was bullied in 5th grade but I was basically bullied majority of elementary school after my neighbor, who was also my best friend, moved away in the 1st grade. I basically had little to no friends up until high school. Of course, I was still bullied in high school but I didn't feel it was as bad since I at least had friends who could turn my frown upside down. Little did I know real friendship wouldn't be the only thing I would learn.
Now that I was entering high school, my mom made sure to tell me to avoid getting into any relationships. I guess she saw me as some sexual predator who would pounce on any innocent girl the moment I had a chance. While I wouldn't say I was that desperate, I wasn't going to listen to her advice if the opportunity presented itself and an opportunity did indeed present itself rather quickly. Do you believe in love at first sight? Well, I am certainly one of those people. If the girl I met in kindergarten are one of those side characters, then the next girl I'm going to introduce is the main character. I don't quite remember the feeling when I first laid my eyes on her but my heart definitely remembers those feelings. When I laid my eyes on her, I had that feeling in my chest that she was the "one". But instead of calling her that, we'll just call her "Devil". However it wasn't just love at first sight that convinced me that this girl was different. In high school, the day is divided into 9 periods. While I had fallen in love with her during our first class together, as the day went on, I realized I shared not 1, not 2, not even 3, but a whopping 6 classes with Devil! Not only do I feel a strong attraction to this girl but for the next year, I'm going to be (technically) spending 2/3 of my time with her in school! I wish I had the courage to turn my feelings into actions. Despite me having the best chances of at least talking to her, my lack of experience with the other gender was definitely showing as I basically didn't try to initiate any type of conversation with her. But I guess someone was out there looking for me because eventually I got my break. In December, we had to pair off to do a project in Social Studies and somehow, I managed to pair together with Devil. And from that moment on began our friendship. But I would soon find out my luck was going to run out. She had a boyfriend.
The first time I learned of this development, it came so casually from her but for me, it was the cliche glass breaking you would see on television. Here I had finally discovered someone that I felt a genuine attraction to be with more than just as a friend. I even had the benefit of sharing majority of our classes together. But before I had a chance to strut my stuff, I was already rejected. And to add insult to injury, while I never saw him in person, the description makes him to be my worst enemy; The tall, muscular boyfriend who happens to be older and I didn't think I could create a miracle like they do in romance movies. Still, I guess my attraction to her was so strong that either I thought there was a very small chance that I could change her mind or that I didn't mind that she had a boyfriend as long as I got to spend time with her. And boy did I spend time with her. I used every non-romantic excuse in the book to be with her. Whether that was tutoring her, even though she was actually really smart and too lazy to learn the concepts herself, or letting her copy my work because she was too lazy to do it herself, I just wanted to be with her. The thing is, she would also try to spend time with me as well. She never said to wanting to hang out with me or talk. Even though I saw her as a potential partner, she saw me as a real friend. A few of my friends from middle school came with me to this high school but they didn't share any classes with me so my social circle was reset. She was not just one of my newest friends but she was a friend that I had made myself. Maybe it wasn't the high school romance I imagined but being with her at least gave me a purpose.
...And that pretty much continued throughout my 4 years of high school. Its hard to progress anything when the guy she tells you to not worry about is basically superior to you in every way physically possible. We didn't share as many classes together in our later years but we still tried to hang out with each other as much as possible. In fact, a couple of our friends teased us being a thing although some of them knew she had a boyfriend so it was more like they were teasing I liked Devil. However, one important event did happen or rather was destined to happen. I don't know when but at some point, people asked if there was anyone I liked and I'm not sure if they knew or I admitted to it but everyone was curious who I had a crush on. It would be extremely embarrassing to admit that I had a crush on the girl with a boyfriend but I also was slowly coming to terms that me and Devil would never be an item so I made a declaration. On the last day of high school, I would reveal to everyone who I had feelings for. And somehow, even people more than just my immediate friend circle were interested on who this girl was including Devil. I wasn't planning on backing out but I also wasn't looking forward to what would happen afterwards once everyone finds out that I liked Devil all along. I thought to myself, "I needed a scapegoat". But who would make a good scapegoat? There were certainly cute girls in the school but I didn't know any of them personally and the only girl whose been on my mind this whole time is Devil.
Its senior year of high school. 3 years flew by in the blink of an eye and I'm still nowhere near closer to being in a relationship with Devil than the day I started. Alright that might be an exaggeration but I didn't feel our friendship was progressing towards an ending where we would be one day married. I also hadn't found any other girl whom I knew and found attractive enough to pursue. Oh well, nothing to do but focus on school and worry about the future later. Since I took so many AP classes, I had room for an elective. I think it was called Linear Algebra? Anyway, I'm minding my own business in class as usual. I suppose at one point we had to work on solving problems with a classmate adjacent to us. Lo and behold, I'm matched with the person who sits right in front of me. You all know where I'm going with this right?
We'll refer to her as "Anne". Unlike Devil, she wasn't that smart. Don't get me wrong, she wasn't dumb either but she actually needed my help. All my life I had always been helping people in school so I didn't think much of it and I decided to help her. At some point, I was helping her outside of class. Eventually, we started getting to know each other and became friends. She struggled a lot with self-confidence like myself but unlike Devil. I often found myself comforting her and trying to raise her morale. And then what I had thought had extinguished started growing bigger. I think I was beginning to like her. This was basically the first time I began to develop feelings for someone on a personal level rather than strictly at first glance. Because of this, I often questioned if what I felt were real feelings. I'm not saying she was ugly but she wasn't as "pretty" as Devil. Also, we only started talking together because she needed help in class. For all I knew, she only saw me as a tutor and a good friend but nothing more. Still, the sting of a rejection without the rejection hurt me pretty badly and I wanted a second chance at love. And so I made a decision. I was going to lie to everyone including Devil about the girl I liked. In the end, I decided on a random girl who was good-looking and my race so people wouldn't be as suspicious about me lying. Except that I would tell Anne that I liked her instead. At the time, I thought it was a good idea and eventually I had to put my idea to the test.
It was the day of reckoning. Slowly but surely, I disseminated the news of the girl that I had always liked making sure Anne didn't hear who it was. Everybody more or less accepted my confession so I was off the hook. Even Devil was convinced that it wasn't her. My friends had left the school and went to one of their houses so we could play basketball together one last time. I told them I would catch up with them later because I had something to do; I was going to confess my feelings to Anne. She was literally the last person to know and I don't know how she felt about that. But we spend the last few minutes on campus saying goodbye to some of our teachers. Then we both boarded the subway home together. She asked me who is the person that I like. I said, "The person that I like...is you". I said. I finally said it. This was my first time ever confessing to a girl. I was pretty nervous up until the confession but after getting it off my chest, I definitely felt lighter. I was feeling really confident she would feel the same way. Even though we spent a lot of time just doing schoolwork, we also got to know each other pretty well and I wanted to take our relationship to the next level. The first thing she is she actually calls up her mother and is acting like she's on cloud nine. I can't understand what she was saying since she was speaking in her native tongue. But early prospects seemed good to me at least. Unfortunately, the title gives away her answer. She tells me that she's really happy that I feel that way about her but she doesn't see me that way. To keep it short, she admits she friendzoned me without using the word friendzone. To me, I am her best friend that lifts her spirits and is always there for her but not someone she sees in a romantic sense. Eventually she has to get off because her stop comes before mine and I continue onward to go shoot some hoops with my friends.
Before we move onto college, there's another encounter I want to tell you about that is hard to categorize as romantic but its interesting enough to share on its own. So in high school, I played a lot of the physical trading card game, Yu-Gi-Oh! But cards cost money and there isn't always time to meetup to duel your friends. While Konami hadn't made any official simulators, fans had developed their own to mimic this successful franchise. One of them was called Dueling Network which is now known as Dueling Book. This simulator was meant to act more like the actual trading card game in that the simulator doesn't handle the interactions but rather allows player to handle it as if they were dueling in real life. But enough about Dueling Network, its time to talk about the one duel I'll never forget. But I should also mention one other thing. There was a chat bar for both players to communicate with as if they were conversing in real life. So one night, instead of dueling my friends, I was dueling random people. Most duels ended after the winner was decided but not this one particular duel. It started out as normal but somehow, we were both hitting it off. At some point, they reveal that they were a female which was a huge shock since I had assumed they were a guy the whole time. Eventually the duel comes to a close but neither one of us wanted to stop talking. I get to learn more about her who will be called "Kim". She's apparently a Native American who normally works at a bar whose hobbies involve Yu-Gi-Oh. Then Kim asks me for my e-mail address. I didn't think much of it outside of a means to communicate outside of Dueling Network. What I didn't expect was to not only receive pictures of her but also nude pictures of her. You heard right, I got nudes from a Yu-Gi-Oh online simulator. I hadn't the faintest inkling of how to react since my intentions in this exchange were never romantic but just out of pure curiosity. I made sure to save the pictures to my computer. I even went so far as to zip the nude ones with a password. But the night was still young and things were about to get crazier. All of a sudden, Kim starts sexting me. As a teenager going through puberty, naturally I played along. It was definitely I wasn't looking forward to but did not regret. But like all good things, it had to come to an end. My parents had been asleep for a while now and I was beginning to get sleepy myself so I had to end our little soiree. After that night, Kim never logged back on. Every single day, I had always checked to see if she would come back but she never did. She never even responded to any of the e-mails I sent her. I also lost the password to the nude photos I had. But the real kicker was years later, when Google introduced reverse image search, the only picture that I had access to identified Kim as an actress on Gray's Anatomy! I still don't know if that was actually her or someone just playing pretend but one things for sure, Yu-Gi-Oh is more than just a children's card game.
Anyway, now that I'm in college, I don't feel like I've made any progress on love. After what I would consider 2 rejections (and a weird one night stand per se), I was still single. But now that I'm in a university with basically no one from my high school, it was a fresh start on my road to romance. And it wouldn't take long for to find the next person I would pursue. Along with another friend I made in college, I'm introduced to another girl who will be known going forward as "Envy". Envy was a quiet girl who mostly kept to herself and her friends but I was immediately attracted to her. It still wasn't anywhere near as strong as the attraction I had to Devil but I realized that I may never experience that ever again so if I wanted a relationship, I should take any opportunity I had. So I got to know her. Like Anne, she too asked for help me with her studies which at least served as the stepping stone for our friendship. I also indirectly realized she didn't have a boyfriend so I was beginning to get more & more confident. What you may find weird though is that she was in the same major as me which was pharmacy. Its not that weird for people in the same profession to be together but if it was her, I didn't mind. However I never planned out how I was going to ask her out. The only and last time ended in failure so I wasn't sure what I could change to make sure things succeeded this time. So then one night, we were going home from college together on the subway. Just the two of us. I don't quite remember what we were talking about but somehow the conversation shifted to relationships. One thing led to another and I just said, "Envy, how would you like to go out with me?" She immediately starts laughing. Her first response is I know you don't like me. And that hit me. She didn't take it seriously. If she didn't think that was me being serious, then I didn't think she would change her answer if I told her I was serious. I just played it off. I never asked her out again. I had a feeling in the bottom of my heart she didn't view me in a romantic sense either. Our conversations always felt friendly and she never seemed more interested in me than what my brain had to offer. I was beginning to see a pattern that I didn't like...
While in college, I became acquainted with a video game series called "Hyperdimension Neptunia". Its basically a game where the major gaming companies are turned into waifus. While I was a single and hot-blooded male, the writing and dialogue in the first game was pretty good even for a dub. And as a fan of this game, I joined its first fan-made forum which was neptunia.boards.net. If you don't believe me, sign up and you'll find my username there. I had only meant to join to mingle with fellow Neptunia fans. It was a niche game so the fanbase was small but that meant there were less chance of it being toxic. And...I met some pretty interesting characters. Conversing via the chat box, I wound up in a Skype call with 3 other people. The host...was an interesting dude who didn't hold back his opinions and probably fun at parties. The next person was a girl but she seemed more mature than me. However, the third person was the friend I made who I would continue talking to who happened to be a female. Her name will be "Misty". She would basically be considered the modern version of a pen pal. While Misty also lived in the USA, she lived in a state was relatively far away from me. That didn't stop us from talking to each other about what fellow nerds normally discuss: anime, video games, and the like. I didn't initially begin talking with Misty out of romantic interest but since our interests lined up, I decided to see how far I could go with someone who liked the same things I did. What I wasn't expecting was for her to be transgender. More specifically, Misty was male at birth but identified as a female. This was my first ever encounter with someone who was transgender. But that didn't stop me from trying to pursue a romantic relationship. When Misty shared pictures of herself with me, I complimented her on how cute she looked. Unfortunately that didn't do much for her since she had been bullied for being transgender but I did my best to help her the only way I knew how to. I brought up the idea of a relationship between the two of us, multiple times in fact. But Misty always turned them down for different reasons whether it was due to the long distance between the two of us or the fact that she never felt like she was worth being in a relationship. I tried my best to convince her but to no avail. Eventually she stopped messaging me altogether in my last year of college. If you're reading this somehow somewhere, I hope you're doing well. I still think about you from time to time.
At this point, its very clear how my love life has been progressing. Time & time again, I had been involved in one-sided affairs. I was always the one in pursuit of love but never on the receiving end of it. Naturally, one's response is to plead to God to just give me someone that likes me. What I didn't realize is that you should be careful what you wish for.
Devil wasn't the only female friend I made in high school. I made 3 female friends in my first year including her. One of them is a girl who we'll call "Ley". Ley is actually someone whose very similar to Misty; she was a fellow nerd who had the same hobbies as me. Naturally, we got along like peanut butter and jelly. Although Ley acted like a fujoshi some of the time, I put up with it and even ended up playing along with it. Not only had we stayed really good friends throughout high school, we even kept it contact after going to different colleges which is more than I can say for Devil and the other girl. Little did I know that my wish was going to come true. Our dynamic had never been romantic, not between us or our friends. In fact, the joke was that Ley was my mother! And as my mother, she would often hug me. It never went past hugging but we were certainly close. In retrospect, I should have seen what was coming. At some point, Ley started dropping what I would call "hints". The way she talked to me was online was slightly different. She was sending way more virtual hugs than she normally does. She would even blow a kiss or two my way. But I didn't think anything of it because I didn't think it was that strange for a mother to do those kinds of things. Then during sophomore year of college, she confessed her feelings to me. It was definitely out of left field for me. I had also realized I had gotten exactly what I asked for but in the most unexpected way possible. I then had to ask myself a question I never pondered: do I feel the same way about her? My gut instinct was no. After thinking it over, I knew the reason why; I was not physically attracted to her. Call me shallow but I believe physical attraction is important to love. After all, if you aren't attracted to your partner, what's stopping you from being attracted to someone else? Either way, ultimately the reason I couldn't say yes was because I didn't feel the same way about her as she did with me. She likes me to the point where wants to pursue a romantic relationship. While I certainly do appreciate our friendship, a relationship isn't something I want to pursue with her and I felt that she deserved someone who mutually felt the same way. The problem is I explained my full line of reasoning to her including the part about not being physically attracted to her. I don't know if its because we were such good friends but despite me indirectly calling her ugly, somehow she handles the rejection and we continue being friends.
The rejection isn't the reason we stopped being friends but it played a part. Sometime later during a random conversation, I said something that was offensive to Ley. I didn't realize it at the time especially when looking back, she was expressing disgust at what I had just said. I don't fully remember what I said but it had something to do with looks which if you combine with that with the rejection only makes matters worse. She stops talking to me and I cannot figure out why. Eventually one of our mutual friends tells me that I said something that offended Ley. I look back at our chat log and I realize she misinterprets something I said. I'm not saying the fault is hers but I can tell this misunderstanding is being blown way more out of proportion than it needs to be. I try to reconcile her but she isn't having it. No matter what I say or do, she is beyond the point of reconciling. This causes me to become depressed. Even though I rejected her, Ley like Devil were one of the first friends I made in high school so I highly cherished our friendship. She was one of the few girls, nay, few people whom I could freely talk about not just our hobbies but anything in life. She was that female best friend and now I lost her. This prompted my mutual friend to band together with my other friends to come over to my house and try to reason with Ley one more time. After some back and forth, we were both able to come to realize it was just a misunderstanding. However this was more like we put a bandage on the problem rather than fix the root of the issue.
We talked a lot less now and most of it was due to our mutual friend. It was obvious our friendship would never return to what it once was but I wanted to get my friend back no matter the cost. The thing is I had no idea how to proceed from this point since we technically made up. Then our mutual friend comes up with a suggestion. Comic-Con is fast approaching and I had never attended one. He had bought a 4-day pass but wasn't interested in going on the last day. Instead, he suggests I go to Comic-Con with Ley. This way, we would knock down 2 birds with 1 stone; I would be able to enjoy my first ever Comic-Con and get a second chance at being able to truly make up with Ley. The day finally arrives and I meet up with her in front of the venue along with the thousands of other people looking forward to the event. After a less than stellar welcoming, me, her, and her friend all get inside the venue. That's right, she wasn't alone. Unbeknownst to me and my mutual friend who set this up, Ley brought along one of friends that she made in college. As if I wasn't already feeling bad, now I was going to become the third wheel. And that is basically what happened. All throughout the day, her friend wasn't in the way of me interacting with Ley but I could feel she put up an invisible barrier between us that prevented from enjoying the event together with her. Still, it was also my first Comic-Con so I did my best to enjoy the activities and faces of this occasion. But as the day went on, I wasn't just longing for a second chance at making up with her; I had just wanted to be able to simply talk with her. Comic-Con was beginning to come to an end but I had felt that I had spent the whole day by myself. I confronted Ley. I asked her why she's been avoiding me this whole time. The answer was obvious, I had hurt her and our friendship could never go back to normal. I told her I understood that part but I didn't understand why she still resented me despite having made up. There are just some things you can never take back once they're in the air. I was at a loss. I was't concerned with getting a friend back that I had known for years. I was concerned that a person I truly cared about thought so little of me and my actions all because of one slip up. Keep in mind there are still plenty of people walking around and its not like we were talking in a corner. In fact, we were still basically just walking around the venue. I broke into tears. I told her that I felt extremely awful about the pain that I had caused her. I explained that above of else, I truly treasured our friendship and cared about her as a person. I said that I felt I lost my value as a person because I personally caused her pain even if it was unintentional. Somehow, someway, through all of the tears, she finally understood where I was coming from. Though she would never be my best friend ever again, we had finally reached a mutual understanding. She goes on to introduce me to her other college friends who had been hosting a panel. She also reveals that her friend that she had brought along was acting as her guardian and the entire day we were hanging out, she wanted to strangle me. I guess I was too sad to notice the hostility. But I was able to achieve an ending that I wanted. Yet all of the pain and suffering that we both went through makes me not even count this as a confession but rather a reverse rejection if you will. Simply put, its as if Ley never confessed to me in the first place.
Several rejections along with the world's worst rejection was definitely not helping my self-confidence. Somehow, I managed to retain the desire for finding love but still feeling like I'm on square one, I didn't feel any closer. Sometimes I thought, "What would it be like if I crushed on someone of my own race?" I should mention now that within my culture, its expected of you to marry someone of the same race & religion. While I wasn't the biggest fan of it, my experience so far has not helped my case. Its also not as if I've been avoiding people who shared my skin color. Its just that I never felt attracted to the ones who were religious on account of the religious garb and the ones who were attractive...well, let's just say they weren't in my league. I wasn't on the lookout for someone in my race but this wouldn't be the first time God was trying to do me a favor. And what better way to meet someone than at an anime club!
If we could go back to freshmen year of college for one second, making friends is an important part of starting at a new school. One of my friends suggested we join the anime club; because the video game club isn't cultural enough to be considered a real club. And once I joined, I soon realized the difference between an anime fan and a fan of anime. I had only started watching anime in high school but I was hooked as a kid who had always been watching cartoons all his life. These were finally the more mature animation I never knew I wanted but I just kept on consuming them. But that's about as far as it went. I never went out of my way to buy merchandise or reenact my favorite scenes from my favorite anime. Not saying that there isn't anything wrong with doing that stuff but these people were on a whole new level I hadn't been exposed to. Still, I felt that I had more in common with them than my fellow pharmacist classmates who did nothing but eat, sleep, & study so it was a nice change of pace. Remember that the whole reason I kept coming back to anime club so I could make and spend some time with friends. My intentions weren't to find a romantic partner but it was always a thought I had in the very back of my mind. That being said, there was just no attraction from any of the girls whether physical nor emotional/social for me to pursue any of them which was fine. No reason to waste anyone's time and it helps get my mind off the ever crippling loneliness of love. But in my third year of college, a new face showed up...
If you couldn't already tell, a new girl joins the club who also happens to be my race. And...my initial thoughts are positive. The physical attraction is there as she doesn't seem too religious but also not someone who would star in a movie. But once again, my legs refused to move whether it was out of fear or because my feelings chained me up, I don't know. Luckily, she was the outgoing type and eventually started talking to me. "Hazy" was a year younger than me and she wasn't doing pharmacy. She was doing nursing. She also wasn't really an avid fan of anime or video games which made it seem all the more weirder why she joined. At the end of the day, Hazy was just looking for more friends to make like me except now I was looking for more than just friendship. Although our initial relationship was more like 2 friends who constantly antagonized each other but actually got along. After all, if you don't openly hate your friends, can you really call them your friends? Anyway, I guess progress was being made because I was able to hang out with her outside of school on occasion but they were never specifically dates. I even got Hazy a birthday present in the form of a bracelet with her name on it as my way of hinting towards something more. Alas, like a broken record, I was starting to get the feeling that I had seen this before. I had like my feelings for her were one-sided and that she only ever saw me as a friend rather than as a mate. Hazy never grew suspicious of of my desire to always be with her and I lacked the courage to tell her how I truly felt. I never confessed to her and eventually, I graduated pharmacy school with a degree but no girlfriend.
For what I would consider nearly 20 years, I've been exposed to the feelings of love. I didn't understood what I felt way back as a child and I was no closer to understanding that feeling nowadays. It was like I was in a crossroads surrounded by fog in all directions and as far as the eye could see. No matter what direction I took, north, south, east, or west, I had always came back to the same place. And yet, all around me were always people who found someone who at least gave them a chance or the person they were always meant to be with. Whether it was friends, family, or even YouTubers I had followed since I was young, I couldn't understand what separated me from people in relationships. It was such an alien concept that I felt like being in a relationship just made you seem like a different person altogether. I could also never understand shows like Friends or How I Met Your Mother. Those shows are supposed to depict the struggles of a man trying to find love in this vast world. But unlike me, those characters are able to get past the initial meeting of a girl and either progress to the point where things won't work or reach a happy ending. I...never even had that chance. I'm reminded of that chapter in Kaguya-Sama: Love is War where Yu Ishigami is in the student council room alone and wallowing in his recent rejection while also not being with Miko Ino. He laments to the world that he just wants someone who likes him for him. But even I cannot fully empathize with his character because even though he was pursuing another girl, little did he know that Miko not only harbored feelings for him but those feelings were eventually realized. And that was in high school! All I have left to remember from high school are a bitter rejection and the sting of love. I don't know if I'm doing anything right or wrong. I always thought that if you believed in your heart, you would always be doing the right thing. But time and time again, my heart has been blown up only to be popped like a balloon once its full of air. People say always take a chance because its better to not and regret what may have been. But things don't seem any better on the other side. At least if I never took the chance, I could at least pretend that there was a chance rather than accept that there was never a chance. There's a saying that we all live our own lives at our own pace. Some people find love before they even know who they are while others focus on themselves before establishing a relationship. I was always the type who never needed to focus on school so all my thoughts always went to love. And now I have a stable job with a stable income. But I don't see the point in me making all of this money if I have no one to share it with. I had never dated a girl. I never kissed a girl. I don't even know what its like to hold hands with a girl. All I want at this point is to understand the purpose of my feelings because all they've done so far is cause me nothing but pain. This isn't a cry for help nor me looking for advice. I'm just simply getting something off my chest that has been building up for quite some time now and to let you know that if you experienced similar struggles that you're not alone in this world.
I think that's enough for the time being. This post ended up being a lot longer than I had anticipated but I guess a lot can happen in two decades. If for whatever reason there's enough demand for it, I suppose I can make a part 2 because there have been some developments although minor that I wasn't able to squeeze in. Although spoiler alert, its only going to get more depressing so unless you're into that stuff, don't ask for it. Either way, if you're reading this, I thank you for at least sticking with me to the end. Well not the end of my story but the end of this blog. It feels weird to call this a story since it still lacks a proper ending but at least it makes me feel like my love life hasn't been a complete waste of time.
To begin our journey, we have to go back to a time where things were simpler. No, not all the way to the Stone Age but the tail end of the 90s. We are starting this story all the way back to my days in kindergarten. Yes, that time where people didn't judge you for picking your nose or your teacher wouldn't get angry for the dog eating your homework. But to many kids whether they were boys or girls, attraction to the other sex (or any sex) was typically thought of as gross. However I was different. Instead of thinking how icky cooties were, I often found my gaze being averted to one of the girls in my class. I'm not sure many people would agree that I was in love with her but it certainly introduced me to the notion of a male and female being together. In fact, I was so infatuated with her that I ended up writing a poem about her! Unfortunately, we had to read aloud those poems so I had to ad lib the parts where I talk about her so as to not expose my secret. And since we were in kindergarten class together, there was a good chance I would be able to see her all throughout elementary school. Too bad things never progressed past childhood crush. We never became friends or even talked to each other that much. Heck, I was even bullied just for sitting next to her in 5th grade which goes to show you how attractive she was since she got the sight of more than just me. I even think I told everyone that I had a crush on her by the time we graduated because at that point, I knew there was no point in crushing on her anymore. Fast forward to middle school and...well, not much happens romantically speaking. I didn't find a new girl to crush on since most of the kids in my grade were from elementary school so it felt like the sequel to elementary school. It wasn't until high school that I would say this story truly begins...
There seems to be mixed opinions about high school? Some people regard it as the best part of their lives where they would meet their high school sweethearts whereas others lament the immense bullying they receive from those higher on the social ladder. For me, I would definitely say it was where I peaked in life. I mentioned earlier I was bullied in 5th grade but I was basically bullied majority of elementary school after my neighbor, who was also my best friend, moved away in the 1st grade. I basically had little to no friends up until high school. Of course, I was still bullied in high school but I didn't feel it was as bad since I at least had friends who could turn my frown upside down. Little did I know real friendship wouldn't be the only thing I would learn.
Now that I was entering high school, my mom made sure to tell me to avoid getting into any relationships. I guess she saw me as some sexual predator who would pounce on any innocent girl the moment I had a chance. While I wouldn't say I was that desperate, I wasn't going to listen to her advice if the opportunity presented itself and an opportunity did indeed present itself rather quickly. Do you believe in love at first sight? Well, I am certainly one of those people. If the girl I met in kindergarten are one of those side characters, then the next girl I'm going to introduce is the main character. I don't quite remember the feeling when I first laid my eyes on her but my heart definitely remembers those feelings. When I laid my eyes on her, I had that feeling in my chest that she was the "one". But instead of calling her that, we'll just call her "Devil". However it wasn't just love at first sight that convinced me that this girl was different. In high school, the day is divided into 9 periods. While I had fallen in love with her during our first class together, as the day went on, I realized I shared not 1, not 2, not even 3, but a whopping 6 classes with Devil! Not only do I feel a strong attraction to this girl but for the next year, I'm going to be (technically) spending 2/3 of my time with her in school! I wish I had the courage to turn my feelings into actions. Despite me having the best chances of at least talking to her, my lack of experience with the other gender was definitely showing as I basically didn't try to initiate any type of conversation with her. But I guess someone was out there looking for me because eventually I got my break. In December, we had to pair off to do a project in Social Studies and somehow, I managed to pair together with Devil. And from that moment on began our friendship. But I would soon find out my luck was going to run out. She had a boyfriend.
The first time I learned of this development, it came so casually from her but for me, it was the cliche glass breaking you would see on television. Here I had finally discovered someone that I felt a genuine attraction to be with more than just as a friend. I even had the benefit of sharing majority of our classes together. But before I had a chance to strut my stuff, I was already rejected. And to add insult to injury, while I never saw him in person, the description makes him to be my worst enemy; The tall, muscular boyfriend who happens to be older and I didn't think I could create a miracle like they do in romance movies. Still, I guess my attraction to her was so strong that either I thought there was a very small chance that I could change her mind or that I didn't mind that she had a boyfriend as long as I got to spend time with her. And boy did I spend time with her. I used every non-romantic excuse in the book to be with her. Whether that was tutoring her, even though she was actually really smart and too lazy to learn the concepts herself, or letting her copy my work because she was too lazy to do it herself, I just wanted to be with her. The thing is, she would also try to spend time with me as well. She never said to wanting to hang out with me or talk. Even though I saw her as a potential partner, she saw me as a real friend. A few of my friends from middle school came with me to this high school but they didn't share any classes with me so my social circle was reset. She was not just one of my newest friends but she was a friend that I had made myself. Maybe it wasn't the high school romance I imagined but being with her at least gave me a purpose.
...And that pretty much continued throughout my 4 years of high school. Its hard to progress anything when the guy she tells you to not worry about is basically superior to you in every way physically possible. We didn't share as many classes together in our later years but we still tried to hang out with each other as much as possible. In fact, a couple of our friends teased us being a thing although some of them knew she had a boyfriend so it was more like they were teasing I liked Devil. However, one important event did happen or rather was destined to happen. I don't know when but at some point, people asked if there was anyone I liked and I'm not sure if they knew or I admitted to it but everyone was curious who I had a crush on. It would be extremely embarrassing to admit that I had a crush on the girl with a boyfriend but I also was slowly coming to terms that me and Devil would never be an item so I made a declaration. On the last day of high school, I would reveal to everyone who I had feelings for. And somehow, even people more than just my immediate friend circle were interested on who this girl was including Devil. I wasn't planning on backing out but I also wasn't looking forward to what would happen afterwards once everyone finds out that I liked Devil all along. I thought to myself, "I needed a scapegoat". But who would make a good scapegoat? There were certainly cute girls in the school but I didn't know any of them personally and the only girl whose been on my mind this whole time is Devil.
Its senior year of high school. 3 years flew by in the blink of an eye and I'm still nowhere near closer to being in a relationship with Devil than the day I started. Alright that might be an exaggeration but I didn't feel our friendship was progressing towards an ending where we would be one day married. I also hadn't found any other girl whom I knew and found attractive enough to pursue. Oh well, nothing to do but focus on school and worry about the future later. Since I took so many AP classes, I had room for an elective. I think it was called Linear Algebra? Anyway, I'm minding my own business in class as usual. I suppose at one point we had to work on solving problems with a classmate adjacent to us. Lo and behold, I'm matched with the person who sits right in front of me. You all know where I'm going with this right?
We'll refer to her as "Anne". Unlike Devil, she wasn't that smart. Don't get me wrong, she wasn't dumb either but she actually needed my help. All my life I had always been helping people in school so I didn't think much of it and I decided to help her. At some point, I was helping her outside of class. Eventually, we started getting to know each other and became friends. She struggled a lot with self-confidence like myself but unlike Devil. I often found myself comforting her and trying to raise her morale. And then what I had thought had extinguished started growing bigger. I think I was beginning to like her. This was basically the first time I began to develop feelings for someone on a personal level rather than strictly at first glance. Because of this, I often questioned if what I felt were real feelings. I'm not saying she was ugly but she wasn't as "pretty" as Devil. Also, we only started talking together because she needed help in class. For all I knew, she only saw me as a tutor and a good friend but nothing more. Still, the sting of a rejection without the rejection hurt me pretty badly and I wanted a second chance at love. And so I made a decision. I was going to lie to everyone including Devil about the girl I liked. In the end, I decided on a random girl who was good-looking and my race so people wouldn't be as suspicious about me lying. Except that I would tell Anne that I liked her instead. At the time, I thought it was a good idea and eventually I had to put my idea to the test.
It was the day of reckoning. Slowly but surely, I disseminated the news of the girl that I had always liked making sure Anne didn't hear who it was. Everybody more or less accepted my confession so I was off the hook. Even Devil was convinced that it wasn't her. My friends had left the school and went to one of their houses so we could play basketball together one last time. I told them I would catch up with them later because I had something to do; I was going to confess my feelings to Anne. She was literally the last person to know and I don't know how she felt about that. But we spend the last few minutes on campus saying goodbye to some of our teachers. Then we both boarded the subway home together. She asked me who is the person that I like. I said, "The person that I like...is you". I said. I finally said it. This was my first time ever confessing to a girl. I was pretty nervous up until the confession but after getting it off my chest, I definitely felt lighter. I was feeling really confident she would feel the same way. Even though we spent a lot of time just doing schoolwork, we also got to know each other pretty well and I wanted to take our relationship to the next level. The first thing she is she actually calls up her mother and is acting like she's on cloud nine. I can't understand what she was saying since she was speaking in her native tongue. But early prospects seemed good to me at least. Unfortunately, the title gives away her answer. She tells me that she's really happy that I feel that way about her but she doesn't see me that way. To keep it short, she admits she friendzoned me without using the word friendzone. To me, I am her best friend that lifts her spirits and is always there for her but not someone she sees in a romantic sense. Eventually she has to get off because her stop comes before mine and I continue onward to go shoot some hoops with my friends.
Before we move onto college, there's another encounter I want to tell you about that is hard to categorize as romantic but its interesting enough to share on its own. So in high school, I played a lot of the physical trading card game, Yu-Gi-Oh! But cards cost money and there isn't always time to meetup to duel your friends. While Konami hadn't made any official simulators, fans had developed their own to mimic this successful franchise. One of them was called Dueling Network which is now known as Dueling Book. This simulator was meant to act more like the actual trading card game in that the simulator doesn't handle the interactions but rather allows player to handle it as if they were dueling in real life. But enough about Dueling Network, its time to talk about the one duel I'll never forget. But I should also mention one other thing. There was a chat bar for both players to communicate with as if they were conversing in real life. So one night, instead of dueling my friends, I was dueling random people. Most duels ended after the winner was decided but not this one particular duel. It started out as normal but somehow, we were both hitting it off. At some point, they reveal that they were a female which was a huge shock since I had assumed they were a guy the whole time. Eventually the duel comes to a close but neither one of us wanted to stop talking. I get to learn more about her who will be called "Kim". She's apparently a Native American who normally works at a bar whose hobbies involve Yu-Gi-Oh. Then Kim asks me for my e-mail address. I didn't think much of it outside of a means to communicate outside of Dueling Network. What I didn't expect was to not only receive pictures of her but also nude pictures of her. You heard right, I got nudes from a Yu-Gi-Oh online simulator. I hadn't the faintest inkling of how to react since my intentions in this exchange were never romantic but just out of pure curiosity. I made sure to save the pictures to my computer. I even went so far as to zip the nude ones with a password. But the night was still young and things were about to get crazier. All of a sudden, Kim starts sexting me. As a teenager going through puberty, naturally I played along. It was definitely I wasn't looking forward to but did not regret. But like all good things, it had to come to an end. My parents had been asleep for a while now and I was beginning to get sleepy myself so I had to end our little soiree. After that night, Kim never logged back on. Every single day, I had always checked to see if she would come back but she never did. She never even responded to any of the e-mails I sent her. I also lost the password to the nude photos I had. But the real kicker was years later, when Google introduced reverse image search, the only picture that I had access to identified Kim as an actress on Gray's Anatomy! I still don't know if that was actually her or someone just playing pretend but one things for sure, Yu-Gi-Oh is more than just a children's card game.
Anyway, now that I'm in college, I don't feel like I've made any progress on love. After what I would consider 2 rejections (and a weird one night stand per se), I was still single. But now that I'm in a university with basically no one from my high school, it was a fresh start on my road to romance. And it wouldn't take long for to find the next person I would pursue. Along with another friend I made in college, I'm introduced to another girl who will be known going forward as "Envy". Envy was a quiet girl who mostly kept to herself and her friends but I was immediately attracted to her. It still wasn't anywhere near as strong as the attraction I had to Devil but I realized that I may never experience that ever again so if I wanted a relationship, I should take any opportunity I had. So I got to know her. Like Anne, she too asked for help me with her studies which at least served as the stepping stone for our friendship. I also indirectly realized she didn't have a boyfriend so I was beginning to get more & more confident. What you may find weird though is that she was in the same major as me which was pharmacy. Its not that weird for people in the same profession to be together but if it was her, I didn't mind. However I never planned out how I was going to ask her out. The only and last time ended in failure so I wasn't sure what I could change to make sure things succeeded this time. So then one night, we were going home from college together on the subway. Just the two of us. I don't quite remember what we were talking about but somehow the conversation shifted to relationships. One thing led to another and I just said, "Envy, how would you like to go out with me?" She immediately starts laughing. Her first response is I know you don't like me. And that hit me. She didn't take it seriously. If she didn't think that was me being serious, then I didn't think she would change her answer if I told her I was serious. I just played it off. I never asked her out again. I had a feeling in the bottom of my heart she didn't view me in a romantic sense either. Our conversations always felt friendly and she never seemed more interested in me than what my brain had to offer. I was beginning to see a pattern that I didn't like...
While in college, I became acquainted with a video game series called "Hyperdimension Neptunia". Its basically a game where the major gaming companies are turned into waifus. While I was a single and hot-blooded male, the writing and dialogue in the first game was pretty good even for a dub. And as a fan of this game, I joined its first fan-made forum which was neptunia.boards.net. If you don't believe me, sign up and you'll find my username there. I had only meant to join to mingle with fellow Neptunia fans. It was a niche game so the fanbase was small but that meant there were less chance of it being toxic. And...I met some pretty interesting characters. Conversing via the chat box, I wound up in a Skype call with 3 other people. The host...was an interesting dude who didn't hold back his opinions and probably fun at parties. The next person was a girl but she seemed more mature than me. However, the third person was the friend I made who I would continue talking to who happened to be a female. Her name will be "Misty". She would basically be considered the modern version of a pen pal. While Misty also lived in the USA, she lived in a state was relatively far away from me. That didn't stop us from talking to each other about what fellow nerds normally discuss: anime, video games, and the like. I didn't initially begin talking with Misty out of romantic interest but since our interests lined up, I decided to see how far I could go with someone who liked the same things I did. What I wasn't expecting was for her to be transgender. More specifically, Misty was male at birth but identified as a female. This was my first ever encounter with someone who was transgender. But that didn't stop me from trying to pursue a romantic relationship. When Misty shared pictures of herself with me, I complimented her on how cute she looked. Unfortunately that didn't do much for her since she had been bullied for being transgender but I did my best to help her the only way I knew how to. I brought up the idea of a relationship between the two of us, multiple times in fact. But Misty always turned them down for different reasons whether it was due to the long distance between the two of us or the fact that she never felt like she was worth being in a relationship. I tried my best to convince her but to no avail. Eventually she stopped messaging me altogether in my last year of college. If you're reading this somehow somewhere, I hope you're doing well. I still think about you from time to time.
At this point, its very clear how my love life has been progressing. Time & time again, I had been involved in one-sided affairs. I was always the one in pursuit of love but never on the receiving end of it. Naturally, one's response is to plead to God to just give me someone that likes me. What I didn't realize is that you should be careful what you wish for.
Devil wasn't the only female friend I made in high school. I made 3 female friends in my first year including her. One of them is a girl who we'll call "Ley". Ley is actually someone whose very similar to Misty; she was a fellow nerd who had the same hobbies as me. Naturally, we got along like peanut butter and jelly. Although Ley acted like a fujoshi some of the time, I put up with it and even ended up playing along with it. Not only had we stayed really good friends throughout high school, we even kept it contact after going to different colleges which is more than I can say for Devil and the other girl. Little did I know that my wish was going to come true. Our dynamic had never been romantic, not between us or our friends. In fact, the joke was that Ley was my mother! And as my mother, she would often hug me. It never went past hugging but we were certainly close. In retrospect, I should have seen what was coming. At some point, Ley started dropping what I would call "hints". The way she talked to me was online was slightly different. She was sending way more virtual hugs than she normally does. She would even blow a kiss or two my way. But I didn't think anything of it because I didn't think it was that strange for a mother to do those kinds of things. Then during sophomore year of college, she confessed her feelings to me. It was definitely out of left field for me. I had also realized I had gotten exactly what I asked for but in the most unexpected way possible. I then had to ask myself a question I never pondered: do I feel the same way about her? My gut instinct was no. After thinking it over, I knew the reason why; I was not physically attracted to her. Call me shallow but I believe physical attraction is important to love. After all, if you aren't attracted to your partner, what's stopping you from being attracted to someone else? Either way, ultimately the reason I couldn't say yes was because I didn't feel the same way about her as she did with me. She likes me to the point where wants to pursue a romantic relationship. While I certainly do appreciate our friendship, a relationship isn't something I want to pursue with her and I felt that she deserved someone who mutually felt the same way. The problem is I explained my full line of reasoning to her including the part about not being physically attracted to her. I don't know if its because we were such good friends but despite me indirectly calling her ugly, somehow she handles the rejection and we continue being friends.
The rejection isn't the reason we stopped being friends but it played a part. Sometime later during a random conversation, I said something that was offensive to Ley. I didn't realize it at the time especially when looking back, she was expressing disgust at what I had just said. I don't fully remember what I said but it had something to do with looks which if you combine with that with the rejection only makes matters worse. She stops talking to me and I cannot figure out why. Eventually one of our mutual friends tells me that I said something that offended Ley. I look back at our chat log and I realize she misinterprets something I said. I'm not saying the fault is hers but I can tell this misunderstanding is being blown way more out of proportion than it needs to be. I try to reconcile her but she isn't having it. No matter what I say or do, she is beyond the point of reconciling. This causes me to become depressed. Even though I rejected her, Ley like Devil were one of the first friends I made in high school so I highly cherished our friendship. She was one of the few girls, nay, few people whom I could freely talk about not just our hobbies but anything in life. She was that female best friend and now I lost her. This prompted my mutual friend to band together with my other friends to come over to my house and try to reason with Ley one more time. After some back and forth, we were both able to come to realize it was just a misunderstanding. However this was more like we put a bandage on the problem rather than fix the root of the issue.
We talked a lot less now and most of it was due to our mutual friend. It was obvious our friendship would never return to what it once was but I wanted to get my friend back no matter the cost. The thing is I had no idea how to proceed from this point since we technically made up. Then our mutual friend comes up with a suggestion. Comic-Con is fast approaching and I had never attended one. He had bought a 4-day pass but wasn't interested in going on the last day. Instead, he suggests I go to Comic-Con with Ley. This way, we would knock down 2 birds with 1 stone; I would be able to enjoy my first ever Comic-Con and get a second chance at being able to truly make up with Ley. The day finally arrives and I meet up with her in front of the venue along with the thousands of other people looking forward to the event. After a less than stellar welcoming, me, her, and her friend all get inside the venue. That's right, she wasn't alone. Unbeknownst to me and my mutual friend who set this up, Ley brought along one of friends that she made in college. As if I wasn't already feeling bad, now I was going to become the third wheel. And that is basically what happened. All throughout the day, her friend wasn't in the way of me interacting with Ley but I could feel she put up an invisible barrier between us that prevented from enjoying the event together with her. Still, it was also my first Comic-Con so I did my best to enjoy the activities and faces of this occasion. But as the day went on, I wasn't just longing for a second chance at making up with her; I had just wanted to be able to simply talk with her. Comic-Con was beginning to come to an end but I had felt that I had spent the whole day by myself. I confronted Ley. I asked her why she's been avoiding me this whole time. The answer was obvious, I had hurt her and our friendship could never go back to normal. I told her I understood that part but I didn't understand why she still resented me despite having made up. There are just some things you can never take back once they're in the air. I was at a loss. I was't concerned with getting a friend back that I had known for years. I was concerned that a person I truly cared about thought so little of me and my actions all because of one slip up. Keep in mind there are still plenty of people walking around and its not like we were talking in a corner. In fact, we were still basically just walking around the venue. I broke into tears. I told her that I felt extremely awful about the pain that I had caused her. I explained that above of else, I truly treasured our friendship and cared about her as a person. I said that I felt I lost my value as a person because I personally caused her pain even if it was unintentional. Somehow, someway, through all of the tears, she finally understood where I was coming from. Though she would never be my best friend ever again, we had finally reached a mutual understanding. She goes on to introduce me to her other college friends who had been hosting a panel. She also reveals that her friend that she had brought along was acting as her guardian and the entire day we were hanging out, she wanted to strangle me. I guess I was too sad to notice the hostility. But I was able to achieve an ending that I wanted. Yet all of the pain and suffering that we both went through makes me not even count this as a confession but rather a reverse rejection if you will. Simply put, its as if Ley never confessed to me in the first place.
Several rejections along with the world's worst rejection was definitely not helping my self-confidence. Somehow, I managed to retain the desire for finding love but still feeling like I'm on square one, I didn't feel any closer. Sometimes I thought, "What would it be like if I crushed on someone of my own race?" I should mention now that within my culture, its expected of you to marry someone of the same race & religion. While I wasn't the biggest fan of it, my experience so far has not helped my case. Its also not as if I've been avoiding people who shared my skin color. Its just that I never felt attracted to the ones who were religious on account of the religious garb and the ones who were attractive...well, let's just say they weren't in my league. I wasn't on the lookout for someone in my race but this wouldn't be the first time God was trying to do me a favor. And what better way to meet someone than at an anime club!
If we could go back to freshmen year of college for one second, making friends is an important part of starting at a new school. One of my friends suggested we join the anime club; because the video game club isn't cultural enough to be considered a real club. And once I joined, I soon realized the difference between an anime fan and a fan of anime. I had only started watching anime in high school but I was hooked as a kid who had always been watching cartoons all his life. These were finally the more mature animation I never knew I wanted but I just kept on consuming them. But that's about as far as it went. I never went out of my way to buy merchandise or reenact my favorite scenes from my favorite anime. Not saying that there isn't anything wrong with doing that stuff but these people were on a whole new level I hadn't been exposed to. Still, I felt that I had more in common with them than my fellow pharmacist classmates who did nothing but eat, sleep, & study so it was a nice change of pace. Remember that the whole reason I kept coming back to anime club so I could make and spend some time with friends. My intentions weren't to find a romantic partner but it was always a thought I had in the very back of my mind. That being said, there was just no attraction from any of the girls whether physical nor emotional/social for me to pursue any of them which was fine. No reason to waste anyone's time and it helps get my mind off the ever crippling loneliness of love. But in my third year of college, a new face showed up...
If you couldn't already tell, a new girl joins the club who also happens to be my race. And...my initial thoughts are positive. The physical attraction is there as she doesn't seem too religious but also not someone who would star in a movie. But once again, my legs refused to move whether it was out of fear or because my feelings chained me up, I don't know. Luckily, she was the outgoing type and eventually started talking to me. "Hazy" was a year younger than me and she wasn't doing pharmacy. She was doing nursing. She also wasn't really an avid fan of anime or video games which made it seem all the more weirder why she joined. At the end of the day, Hazy was just looking for more friends to make like me except now I was looking for more than just friendship. Although our initial relationship was more like 2 friends who constantly antagonized each other but actually got along. After all, if you don't openly hate your friends, can you really call them your friends? Anyway, I guess progress was being made because I was able to hang out with her outside of school on occasion but they were never specifically dates. I even got Hazy a birthday present in the form of a bracelet with her name on it as my way of hinting towards something more. Alas, like a broken record, I was starting to get the feeling that I had seen this before. I had like my feelings for her were one-sided and that she only ever saw me as a friend rather than as a mate. Hazy never grew suspicious of of my desire to always be with her and I lacked the courage to tell her how I truly felt. I never confessed to her and eventually, I graduated pharmacy school with a degree but no girlfriend.
For what I would consider nearly 20 years, I've been exposed to the feelings of love. I didn't understood what I felt way back as a child and I was no closer to understanding that feeling nowadays. It was like I was in a crossroads surrounded by fog in all directions and as far as the eye could see. No matter what direction I took, north, south, east, or west, I had always came back to the same place. And yet, all around me were always people who found someone who at least gave them a chance or the person they were always meant to be with. Whether it was friends, family, or even YouTubers I had followed since I was young, I couldn't understand what separated me from people in relationships. It was such an alien concept that I felt like being in a relationship just made you seem like a different person altogether. I could also never understand shows like Friends or How I Met Your Mother. Those shows are supposed to depict the struggles of a man trying to find love in this vast world. But unlike me, those characters are able to get past the initial meeting of a girl and either progress to the point where things won't work or reach a happy ending. I...never even had that chance. I'm reminded of that chapter in Kaguya-Sama: Love is War where Yu Ishigami is in the student council room alone and wallowing in his recent rejection while also not being with Miko Ino. He laments to the world that he just wants someone who likes him for him. But even I cannot fully empathize with his character because even though he was pursuing another girl, little did he know that Miko not only harbored feelings for him but those feelings were eventually realized. And that was in high school! All I have left to remember from high school are a bitter rejection and the sting of love. I don't know if I'm doing anything right or wrong. I always thought that if you believed in your heart, you would always be doing the right thing. But time and time again, my heart has been blown up only to be popped like a balloon once its full of air. People say always take a chance because its better to not and regret what may have been. But things don't seem any better on the other side. At least if I never took the chance, I could at least pretend that there was a chance rather than accept that there was never a chance. There's a saying that we all live our own lives at our own pace. Some people find love before they even know who they are while others focus on themselves before establishing a relationship. I was always the type who never needed to focus on school so all my thoughts always went to love. And now I have a stable job with a stable income. But I don't see the point in me making all of this money if I have no one to share it with. I had never dated a girl. I never kissed a girl. I don't even know what its like to hold hands with a girl. All I want at this point is to understand the purpose of my feelings because all they've done so far is cause me nothing but pain. This isn't a cry for help nor me looking for advice. I'm just simply getting something off my chest that has been building up for quite some time now and to let you know that if you experienced similar struggles that you're not alone in this world.
I think that's enough for the time being. This post ended up being a lot longer than I had anticipated but I guess a lot can happen in two decades. If for whatever reason there's enough demand for it, I suppose I can make a part 2 because there have been some developments although minor that I wasn't able to squeeze in. Although spoiler alert, its only going to get more depressing so unless you're into that stuff, don't ask for it. Either way, if you're reading this, I thank you for at least sticking with me to the end. Well not the end of my story but the end of this blog. It feels weird to call this a story since it still lacks a proper ending but at least it makes me feel like my love life hasn't been a complete waste of time.
