I've been debating over the past few months if I wanted to make this blog and how I would go about it if I did. I was considering making this blog 6 months after breaking up with my exes, but that fell on/day after my birthday and I simply don't want something that depressing on my birthday. So I decided to settle on 5 months because it's close enough. This blog is going to jump into details about my personal life, depression, emotional struggles, overcoming, coping, and just so much shit that it's gonna be a wall of mostly depressing text. Issues that arise from years of abuse do not go away over night, they stick around and often fester into deeper problems, which is what I am going to cover in this blog.
Nearly 5 months ago on February 17th of 2018 my girlfriend helped me out of an extremely abusive relationship and I was finally able to regain control of my life and start planning for an actual future. This change has been a rather jarring experience for me because the sad reality is, is that I didn't actually think I would be alive today to have a positive outlook on my future. That night I went out of my way to get myself banned from every site I was active on and basically do everything possible to ensure that no one would miss me because I was planning on killing myself that night. I truly hated myself for having spent another Valentine's day with those two and I felt like I had nothing to live for anymore. I don't what changed my mind, I guess my love for my girlfriend or maybe the thought that one more attempt to leave would be successful, most likely both though. I was actually extremely drunk and don't remember much about that night beyond my plans. I messaged my girlfriend and told her to get me out of there at any cost and she delivered. By that afternoon she had helped me cut ties with those twos and had me in a safe location away from them. That night was something else for me, I had never realized just how damaged I had become. I agreed with everything told to me, I was afraid to do anything, I was turned into a "perfect" and obedient pet. I was literally afraid to have my own money because thought of spending my money only brought along anxiety of those two guilting me for thinking I could buy myself something. It's scary to look back and see what the years had done to me and though I've made progress, I am still extremely damaged.
Over the months I've struggled horribly with the anxiety they created in me. I struggle making extremely simple decisions like what food I want to buy at the store or even just what I want to do to entertain myself. They had controlled every aspect of my life and ensure everything went through them before I even had a say in the matter, so I basically wasn't allowed to decide anything for myself. This is one of the major factors that allowed them to control me for so long, by ensuring that I doubted my actions and reinforcing that any action I did take was met with negative feedback. Coming to terms with this and working this out was actually a lot harder than it sounds, it's something that will most likely take years to heal. Of course it's gotten better since my girlfriend has helped me budget and encourages/supports my decisions. It's weird to say that the most empowering decision I made was to buy a Switch, it was so empowering that I literally bought a second one for Rhi. I am getting better and I've been able to actually feel in control of my actions over the past couple of months, but it's been hard for me to breakdown the walls they once built for me.
One of the other things I've dealing with discovering just how much they took from me and how little they really cared about me. Recently I noticed they had taken my copy of Pokémon XD: Gale of Darkness, which they knew was a birthday gift that I got from my friend who died from breast cancer. This devastated me when I realized that this game was missing. My ex (who I will call M) M, hated the person who gave me that game and he didn't want me talking to her. The last encounter I had with my friend was a fight before I went to Indiana, a fight I never got to make up for, and it eats away at me to this very day that I let M convince me not to talk to her. He knew that this game was something I held dear because it was the only thing I had to remember her by and he fucking took it. This hurt more than the literal thousands of dollars worth of other stuff that they had taken because I truly can not buy back what this game meant to me. It made me realize that they really didn't care if they hurt me, M knew damn well what the game meant and simply didn't care. They left all the other Gamecube games and only took that one Gamecube game. Yet despite the pain I felt a rather hard to explain emotion. I realized that my friend would have told me to look at this as a very important lesson and to realize just how much better my life really is. They thought so little of me that they were willing to take that game from me in an attempt to hurt me. Yet at the end of the day I am still ok and I never lost the memory of my friend, I was able to walk away from them. This painful moment made me realize that I shouldn't forget my past, but I don't have to be stuck in that past.
Despite the pain and issues that I've been going through, I can't say that I am not happy. I am actually extremely overjoyed that whatever changed my mind that night, did it for the better. I may not have expected to have made it this far and thus far my life is still a mess, but it's a mess I am happy to be part of. For the first time in years I don't feel trapped and I actually see a future worth living for. The years of abuse that I went through won't go away in months and I am working on getting myself into a therapist (it's a bit hard for me due to me working nights and only having weekends off when most of them aren't open.) At the same time I am happy with the progress that I've made simply by working with someone who actually loves me. I actually want to see where my life goes from here.
Now for the Lilith pic! This was actually the very first piece of fan art ever made of Lilith and was drawn by @Bubsy Bobcat! This one always brings a smile to my face and it's still my personal favorite
View attachment 135073
Nearly 5 months ago on February 17th of 2018 my girlfriend helped me out of an extremely abusive relationship and I was finally able to regain control of my life and start planning for an actual future. This change has been a rather jarring experience for me because the sad reality is, is that I didn't actually think I would be alive today to have a positive outlook on my future. That night I went out of my way to get myself banned from every site I was active on and basically do everything possible to ensure that no one would miss me because I was planning on killing myself that night. I truly hated myself for having spent another Valentine's day with those two and I felt like I had nothing to live for anymore. I don't what changed my mind, I guess my love for my girlfriend or maybe the thought that one more attempt to leave would be successful, most likely both though. I was actually extremely drunk and don't remember much about that night beyond my plans. I messaged my girlfriend and told her to get me out of there at any cost and she delivered. By that afternoon she had helped me cut ties with those twos and had me in a safe location away from them. That night was something else for me, I had never realized just how damaged I had become. I agreed with everything told to me, I was afraid to do anything, I was turned into a "perfect" and obedient pet. I was literally afraid to have my own money because thought of spending my money only brought along anxiety of those two guilting me for thinking I could buy myself something. It's scary to look back and see what the years had done to me and though I've made progress, I am still extremely damaged.
Over the months I've struggled horribly with the anxiety they created in me. I struggle making extremely simple decisions like what food I want to buy at the store or even just what I want to do to entertain myself. They had controlled every aspect of my life and ensure everything went through them before I even had a say in the matter, so I basically wasn't allowed to decide anything for myself. This is one of the major factors that allowed them to control me for so long, by ensuring that I doubted my actions and reinforcing that any action I did take was met with negative feedback. Coming to terms with this and working this out was actually a lot harder than it sounds, it's something that will most likely take years to heal. Of course it's gotten better since my girlfriend has helped me budget and encourages/supports my decisions. It's weird to say that the most empowering decision I made was to buy a Switch, it was so empowering that I literally bought a second one for Rhi. I am getting better and I've been able to actually feel in control of my actions over the past couple of months, but it's been hard for me to breakdown the walls they once built for me.
One of the other things I've dealing with discovering just how much they took from me and how little they really cared about me. Recently I noticed they had taken my copy of Pokémon XD: Gale of Darkness, which they knew was a birthday gift that I got from my friend who died from breast cancer. This devastated me when I realized that this game was missing. My ex (who I will call M) M, hated the person who gave me that game and he didn't want me talking to her. The last encounter I had with my friend was a fight before I went to Indiana, a fight I never got to make up for, and it eats away at me to this very day that I let M convince me not to talk to her. He knew that this game was something I held dear because it was the only thing I had to remember her by and he fucking took it. This hurt more than the literal thousands of dollars worth of other stuff that they had taken because I truly can not buy back what this game meant to me. It made me realize that they really didn't care if they hurt me, M knew damn well what the game meant and simply didn't care. They left all the other Gamecube games and only took that one Gamecube game. Yet despite the pain I felt a rather hard to explain emotion. I realized that my friend would have told me to look at this as a very important lesson and to realize just how much better my life really is. They thought so little of me that they were willing to take that game from me in an attempt to hurt me. Yet at the end of the day I am still ok and I never lost the memory of my friend, I was able to walk away from them. This painful moment made me realize that I shouldn't forget my past, but I don't have to be stuck in that past.
Despite the pain and issues that I've been going through, I can't say that I am not happy. I am actually extremely overjoyed that whatever changed my mind that night, did it for the better. I may not have expected to have made it this far and thus far my life is still a mess, but it's a mess I am happy to be part of. For the first time in years I don't feel trapped and I actually see a future worth living for. The years of abuse that I went through won't go away in months and I am working on getting myself into a therapist (it's a bit hard for me due to me working nights and only having weekends off when most of them aren't open.) At the same time I am happy with the progress that I've made simply by working with someone who actually loves me. I actually want to see where my life goes from here.
Now for the Lilith pic! This was actually the very first piece of fan art ever made of Lilith and was drawn by @Bubsy Bobcat! This one always brings a smile to my face and it's still my personal favorite
View attachment 135073
