My parents are afraid of me dating girls that aren't in their brand of Christianity

The title sums up my problem. There's this girl at work who's interested in me, and I in her. She's really nice, and is very easy to get along with. She's even understanding of someone having their Christian beliefs and everything (not that I'm Christian, myself). The problem is that she's said that she herself isn't a Christian anymore. She takes the good things from Christianity without the negatives like my parents do. And this is where the problems come in:

I don't have the means to move out at this point in time yet. Hence, I can't be straight up and honest and tell my parents that, to be frank, I don't care to be a part of church, that I'm not a Christian, and that I want nothing to do with the crap anymore. The reason I'm scared of my parents is that, about 14-15 years ago now, they sent one of my brothers who was having doubts about his faith to a private Christian college to essentially have him be re-educated, for all intents and purposes, though said brother in question would defend this nonsense. I, for one, not only want to avoid that because I disagree with it, but because I want to work this new relationship of mine out with this girl who, as far as I'm concerned, is more real to me than anything they could try and scare or convince yours truly of. I've had it up to here with my parents at this point. I want to save up all of the money I can, and focus on getting out of this house with their BS and finally be free at last of them. I hate being under their thumb more than anything else in my life atm, and hate how they can't let their own blood live his own life that makes him happy because some 2,000 year old book says so.

It's not that I hate Christianity or anything as much as I hate my parents. They are the kinds of people who stereotype anyone who's not a Christian as some body piercing-loving, rock-music worshipping, Satanic-loving monster who's just like Hitler and Stalin because they're a little too far to the left for their tastes and preferences, and use God as some metaphorical riot control for those under their influence that they believe they'll be held responsible for in some coming judgement at the end of time by God. No, I'm not making that up, it's all there in the Bible, or so they tell people to justify their cult-like BS. And I'm not making that up. The conglomeration of churches they're a part of are the Old Independent Fundamental Baptist church. For those who just happen to know who they are, these are the churches that preceded the establishment of the New Independent Fundamental Baptist church spearheaded by Steven Anderson. Yes, that Steven Anderson, except they tend to not be as open or as explicit in their hatred as the NIFB is.

This girl is, from what little I've talked to her anyways, is the sweetest thing I've ever talked to in my life. I know, I know, that's how a lot of early relationships start, but my previous shot at relationships all were based in the IFB in the hopes that maybe some girl would love me and secretly confess to wanting to get out of this nonsense herself. I kind of got those vibes from the previous girl I was dating, but there were other problems in that relationship that made that relationship fall apart that wasn't yours truly's or her fault in any way. This is the first time I've had a relationship with someone who's not had 20+ years of indoctrination in this BS and who's just a good person in general. The only major problem is that she has musical tastes that offend the "God" that my parents have (translation: their pastor in this church and the buddies who support both the church and his sub-organization Reformers Unanimous).

I will admit that what I'm talking about here won't make a lot of sense, especially those who didn't have fundamentalist Christian parents growing up with all of the restrictive BS like I'm describing here. The relationship is still there, but once my parents see one of the girl's posts about making a metal playlist for sleep via Google on Facebook, they'll want me to end the relationship right then and there, no debating outside of yours truly having to pack up his shit and move out!

This is the kind of thing that's leading to Christianity's death as far as I'm concerned. Who the hell wants to deal with parents that hate someone who shares the same interests as yours truly does, but just because this particular cult that's slowly but surely dying off isn't the center of their lives, they're a monster on the same level as Hitler and Stalin because of "being unequally yoked" out of a book with a talking snake.

The IFB is pretty much the kind of church featured in the Estus Pirkle trilogy of films as reviewed by the Cinema Snob in this video (only linking one of them, he reviews the other two if you're really curious):

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Comments

This is a shitty situation. In the end you could just leave and live your life the way you want to, but that'd make life more difficult in a different way.
This is just me, but if I feel like they don't deserve to know details about your personal life if they can't accept your decisions to such small matters that don't really affect them.
In the end I think it's really about how much of an issue you want to make about it though
Not all Christian colleges are bad (generally you can ignore the religious aspect from what I've been told).
Might be a good opportunity for some payed for college and go to college (just a silver lining deal).
I would also talk to this brother about it (maybe he just took it with a grain of salt and went along with it to make the old people happy?)
Also maybe you could work some social media magic with your privacy settings (or just tell them she doesn't have one)
Either way, hope it works out for ya mate
 
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@MythicalData This Christian private college is on the level of Bob Jones University, Pensacola Christian College, and Hyles-Anderson. This isn't just your typical private Christian college. They're the kinds where you can't ignore the religious aspect because they expect you to look, act, and believe in very specific ways. It's most certainly not normal!
 
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1. Try to date girls that your parents approves, maybe you meet someone you like.

2. If none of aren't good for you tell your parents how you feel.

Note: religions are just clothes like wearing something nice doesn't make you a nice person because people lie. Date someone who is naturally nice and lovely not forced to be.
 
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Lie.

Do it untill you can move and live with whoever you want. You need to learn, try and experiment to get to know how is other people in relationships and how are you, to be the best you can be for your possible partner.

Sometimes, it's okay to lie.
 
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Will they really kick you out though, what do you really think? I am Catholic and listen to metal, so something like "but once my parents see one of the girl's posts about making a metal playlist for sleep via Google on Facebook" sounds like your parents have some mental issues, and is no way Christianity's fault, there was actually a study recently that found many top students favorite genre of music is metal, I think you should just push it unless your really certain they will kick you out. Also, don't forget about protection! ;)
 
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@Bedel Believe me, bro, (or sis? Don't know who's on the other side of your keyboard!) that's what I've been doing for the past 6 years. But I already have told Dad that she has a Facebook profile and showed him a picture that she had of herself on there because my dumbass forgot to take a selfie while on the date!

What I could do is use an old profile of hers (because she's one of those people who created a profile and lost the password to it before her current one) and show that to him. It's just that there's one post of hers that she made fairly recently that would be like flashing red and blue light alarms for both of my parents. And I should note that my Dad is usually not one to pry, as my mom is, bless her heart, but she worries way too much about things and makes some things out to be much worse or a bigger deal than they are.

One thing I'll say for sure is that now that I got everything I could want for a long time, one thing I've considered is moving out once I have enough money saved up, college loans, car bill, and all (it's less than $10,000 total, maybe TMI, but it's certainly not a nightmare story, just not ideal atm). The older brother I mentioned lives in a neighborhood of apartments where the rent is...well, almost an entire paycheck, but with some planning, I could potentially make it work out somehow while still being independent and able to date the girl I've mentioned. It wouldn't take as long as I'm fearing it would in my head, but it certainly would be more responsibility for yours truly to bear right now.

I'm just running through my options in my head right now. I've managed to hold my Dad off by acting like I was trying to get some sleep while also texting this girl back and forth nonstop ever since we went back to our respective homes.
 
I mean if shes posting really provocative photos maybe reconsider a long term relationship, but that's your business, perhaps your dad would understand more then you think, but only you really know. Also, do your parents 100% really need to know your day to day life, I would never let my mom or dad follow my real accounts lol...
 
@Ericthegreat Trust me, these aren't your regular, "goes to church every Christmas and Easter, ignores going to church the rest of the year" Christians. They are Biblical literalists, which means that, outside of some passages in the Bible which are meant to be metaphors, they believe that everything that happened in the Bible literally did occur. Including the verse about "not forsaking the assembly of yourselves together" which is the verse used to justify why you had to go to church every Sunday and/or Wednesday in my church's culture. I don't know if they have mental issues per se that pertain to this. I've grown up all of my life with them having these attitudes towards pretty much any music that isn't classical (literally, they call it all "rock" music because that's what they knew it as growing up in the 50's and 60's. Though, my Dad will call rap music what it is for reasons you can imagine a man in his 60's would), so it's not like this is some weird new development.

As for protection, that's going to be an impossibility until I move out. Even then, I don't know what this girl's attitudes about sex and all that are! XD
 
@Ericthegreat She isn't. We've sent photos to each other, but they're not of us. If anything, we sent pictures of our family's dogs more than anything else! And my dad isn't very understanding, let alone my whole family.

@matthi321 If this were that easy, I wouldn't be anxiously posting here for advice!
 
If you really like her and had fun in dates, I'd keep with her. I mean, even if I have to tell my parents that we broke up and I'm spending my time with friends xD.
 
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@Bedel Heh, if only I had friends other than her. Let's just say the friends I have made aren't exactly the kinds of people I could bring over to my parents' house atm without them getting all worried and asking questions, and that's assuming they even like me to begin with. (I'm mostly referring to co-workers, as the one and only friend I made in high school is...temperamental at best, and these days I prefer to just keep my distance. It's a long story not worth getting into at this point)

The main reason I want to keep things honest and open with my parents is that they prefer to be kept in the loop on relationships. Otherwise, especially if the girl I'm dating isn't the "right" kind of Christian, they will assume all of the worst about that person and our intentions about spending time together in my experience even if I told them I had a good time that didn't even involve going over to the girl's house because it simply wasn't in the plan we made up for that day! Otherwise, once I've moved out, not only would I be honest to everyone on Facebook about our relationships, but even on my feelings about other things in way that wouldn't be able to come back to bite me in the ass if I said them right now. Like, even the way I'm talking, with swears here and there, would get everyone jumping on me for not "talking like a "true" Christian."

You'll be damn right I'm gonna try and keep with her as much as I can. I've let myself go and be taken advantage of by my parents for too damn long at this point. About the only regrettable thing about yours truly moving out in, say, a month or two's time is the fact that I'd have to stay within the state of Illinois which ain't getting any easier to live in, that's for sure. But, at the same time, if it's for a girl like this, I've come to feelings a day or two ago about how I'd be willing to sacrifice some things to be with her. Maybe it might not work out in the end, who knows, I don't know how it'll all end, but the only damn thing you can do in life is give it your best shot!
 
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We are with you in this mate, and we hope the best for you! If you wanna talk someday you can PM me, we support you!
 
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@plasturion Your post is barely even coherent. But if what I'm reading from it is what I think it is, this is exactly the kind of shit I am against. Did you even read my post? Hell, in the first line, I said that I'm not a Christian, hence your suggestions are rendered irrelevant. Not to mention, you're gonna have a lot of fun in life with the viewpoint you have on women. No, I'm not saying females aren't capable of evil, but for fuck's sake, find a finer, more refined brush, because neither you nor I are qualified to make judgements of the entirety of femalekind, let alone all of humankind!

There's nothing I need to get out of her. If anything, with the context I have from my upbringing, it sounds like you want me to become an abusive piece of shit of a man if you're suggesting what I can read into that statement!
 
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Haha, I mean if she's putting provacative pictures publicly on her Facebook by the way, what she sends you privately is no one else's buisness :)

Again, I dunno, what to say about your parents, and I don't doubt they would be very upset, but I mean, most (not all) people don't actully kick their kids out.

Edit: I am quite shocked at the responses your getting, although you wouldn't consider yourself Christian now, please don't go against it because the few that have issues (I've been bad about this in the past), not harassing you, just talking about the future.
 
D
If I where you, I would get an appartment and tell your parents that they can waste away for all I care.
That is unless you are financial dependend from your parents.
 
Parents can be difficult. There are many different forms and branches of Christianity, some much more rigid than others. 2 Corinthians 6 14-17 says:

Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness? What accord has Christ with Belial? Or what portion does a believer share with an unbeliever? What agreement has the temple of God with idols? For we are the temple of the living God; as God said, “I will make my dwelling among them and walk among them, and I will be their God, and they shall be my people. Therefore go out from their midst, and be separate from them, says the Lord, and touch no unclean thing; then I will welcome you,

I've found that Evangelicalism is a much more flexible option that has brought joy and peace into my life. Maybe consider that? More rigid 'rules' and standards can repel people such as yourself, because people aren't the same as they were 200 years ago. I get that, and I get that you don't want to be a part of Christianity as a result. I don't know. Look into options if you're open to the idea, and if not, then I can understand why. It sounds like your parents grew up with very tight standards. I'll tell you right now that Christianity is more than that. I've experienced it myself, and I think it would benefit you and your girlfriend. As a Christian, that's my standpoint. I'm really sorry about this whole thing, and if you really, really, don't like Christianity, then that's fine. I respect that. You can PM me if you'd like.
 
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To be honest with you, if you are going to follow everything a cult or your parents tell you to do, you will live as an oppressed individual.
Cults and religions work on this as a daily modus operandi.
They rely on their lectures and society as a whole to inflict oppression on others and submerse them into their religion even more.

Do what you feel is right. If you feel a girl you are dating is actually a good person at heart and soul, continue with her despite what others might tell.
God is felt, not lectured on.
God speaks to you through your feelings and spirit, and if you feel a certain relationship with a girl feels right, that's because it is.

Besides, it's not like being inside a religion makes you automatically a saint, because we all know there is good and evil in every part of the world and any society/religion. There have been actual philanthropist atheist people out there, as have been mass murderer wackos that work based on religion beliefs.

So yeah, do as your feelings and personal spirituality tell you to, don't rely on others to tell you what is wrong or bad. Dating someone from a certain religion won't make them the perfect person, no one is.
 
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This is a very tough situation, I don't envy you at all. You basically have two options if you want to keep seeing this girl (I don't believe your parent's beliefs should stop you from pursuing a relationship if that's what you want):

1) Pretend. Make sure your newfound girlfriend knows about your parents and their strong beliefs. It's ok and even advisable for her to block your parents from seeing her FB posts, they have no "right" to see them. You and her can both pretend you're devout Christians while in front of your parents. Once you have the means to move out, it's your choice whether you break the news to them.

2) Tell your parents everything, and suffer the consequences.

Believe it or not, there are pros and cons to both of these options. First of all, I don't know much about you or what your financial situation is, but if you still have things like student loans, you may not want to hurry getting out of your parent's house, depending on your living situation. I don't know whether you pay rent, bills, or groceries, but these things add up quick and will hit you like a ton of bricks when you first move out if you're not prepared for them. So take advantage of the time you are living with them to either pay off all your debts or save for the future.

^ I can't stress that point enough, but at the same time I know I never listened to that advice at all when I was your age :rofl2: Regretting it now! ^

So, I personally am estranged from my parents. We had some arguments after I moved out, and they escalated to the point where salvaging the relationship with them hurt more than it was worth, to the point where I had to cut ties with them. Now, I wish that I had brought up those arguments when I was a lot younger and still living with them. I feel like had I brought up these arguments back when I was a teenager, it would have been daily arguments until they got resolved. But since I never brought them up until I moved out and bought a house two-and-a-half hours away, we never really argued about it face to face, and it also makes it difficult to get any sort of family counseling that might have helped before.

Your case is a little different though, because your parents could very well either send you away to a Christian school or kick you out of the house. Only you can really decide what's best here.

If I were in your shoes I would wait until I was financially ready to move out, and then tell your parents everything. Don't back down, you have a human right to freedom of religion, or freedom from religion, regardless of what they think. They have no right to push their beliefs on you if you don't agree with them. It will be difficult, there will be lots of arguing, yelling, cursing, you name it. But if you still want a relationship with your parents afterwards, it's harder for them to ignore you if you're still living in their house. They might kick you out, but if so at least you waited until you were ready for it.

It's sad that these situations even happen...
 
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G
@Silent_Gunner
I am a Christian, and I believe your parents are in the wrong. It's not their job to force you to decide, by sending you to a school or hanging over your shoulder all the time. I also believe in a mostly literal interpretation of the Bible, but did they ever read this?
"Fathers, do not exasperate your children."

At what point are they driving you away from God, instead of "leading" you towards him? I'm not trying to convert you, but I had no religious teacher telling me how to interpret the Bible. I came to the conclusion that God existed on my own, and I looked for scientific evidence that he's real. And I found some very interesting things that people would never know.

I feel really bad for you, man, and I'm glad you've found somebody you love.

Please don't let this close you off to believing in God, although I'm not here to convert you, and please realize that your parents aren't doing the job they think their doing.

Anyways, I know you don't want anymore religion in your life, dude I hate religion, and you know who Jesus made all his friends with? The people who collected taxes, the prostitutes, all of the sinners that your parents avoid.

(btw making friends with prostitutes doesn't have to mean, well , that he
m a d e f r i e n d s with them, ya know?)

You know who he would hang out with if he came back?
The transgenders, the homosexuals, the people that religious people hate.

Is it because he loves what their doing? No. And yes, these things are considered a sin.

But God counts sin as, well, you sinned. Did sin: yes or no. Has sinned.
He does not weigh our sins, he does not count them, and he is willing to look past them.

And he loves us, he created us for a reason.

He gave us free will so we could decide for ourselves whether or not we love him, and your parents aren't helping any.

It sounds like religion has blinded them to the love of God.

Anyways, again I'm not trying to convert you, and I'm sorry for feeding you more of this when you are clearly fed up with it.

I can be there for you, if you need to vent or if you just want to ask me something but I'm not gonna start an arguement, I just want to share with you the real happiness I have gotten from believing in Jesus, and the peace I have from it.

I don't have to be angry and hate LGBT's, I don't have to go around crusading and converting everybody in my path and I don't have to live in fear of anything. I also don't have to be religious.

And I'm happy now.

I'm sorry if I'm not clear, my english isn't the best despite it being my first language, I hope you read all of this, but if it's tl;dr then here's a summary:

I'm not judging you. I just want to help you in any way I can, and I hope you pm me, I want to be your friend because I feel bad for you.
 
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