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A poem made of phail.
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<blockquote data-quote="Maktub" data-source="post: 1055780" data-attributes="member: 52911"><p>Ok, I will be serious with you this time, Steve. I'd be a prick to you on normal circumstances but I like poetry <img src="http://gbatemp.net/vanilla/emoticons/smile.gif" alt="" class="fr-fic fr-dii fr-draggable " style="" /></p><p></p><p>First of all, rhyme sucks. You know, you can make great poems with no rhymes at all but dude, that's off your skills (even mine, and I've been writing for a long time now). You seem to try to make an internal rhyme (that a word in the verse rhymes with the one in the end of the verse), and you didn't do very well, but you kinda fixed it with the addition of some external rhymes (random, as I can't see any pattern). "inch" is repeated twice, so instead of "The inch-thick layer" I'd go just for "The layer...", and that will make the verse a little bit shorter and more rhytmic at the same time.</p><p></p><p>Anyway, I don't like the formal stuff so I will go with the content:</p><p></p><p>First stanza is alright: there is some good imagery (<strong>cement</strong>ed gives the feeling of something hard and hard to go through, dangling sign of danger kinda reminds of a snake... I'd change "Luscious mascara, that creates the illusion of beauty," for "Her mascara applies illusion to others' eyes".</p><p></p><p>Second stanza sucks donkey balls: the simile of the modesty and pendants just lacks strength and it's hard to stablish an analogy between those two objects apart from "she had them once hung". So I suggest you could try and do this: an imagery between this woman and some sort of tribal warrior/cannibal or something like that. Something like "She wears (multi-chained)* necklaces that hang something/ They are not pendants but human trophies" *I'd eliminate that word too, you have an obsession with composed words and it doesn't sound really well but that one's just OK. Then, on the last two verses on that stanza, I'd do some of paradox with "Her revealing blousse shows what she lacks of / As a heart can't share room with such jugs"</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Maktub, post: 1055780, member: 52911"] Ok, I will be serious with you this time, Steve. I'd be a prick to you on normal circumstances but I like poetry [img]http://gbatemp.net/vanilla/emoticons/smile.gif[/img] First of all, rhyme sucks. You know, you can make great poems with no rhymes at all but dude, that's off your skills (even mine, and I've been writing for a long time now). You seem to try to make an internal rhyme (that a word in the verse rhymes with the one in the end of the verse), and you didn't do very well, but you kinda fixed it with the addition of some external rhymes (random, as I can't see any pattern). "inch" is repeated twice, so instead of "The inch-thick layer" I'd go just for "The layer...", and that will make the verse a little bit shorter and more rhytmic at the same time. Anyway, I don't like the formal stuff so I will go with the content: First stanza is alright: there is some good imagery ([b]cement[/b]ed gives the feeling of something hard and hard to go through, dangling sign of danger kinda reminds of a snake... I'd change "Luscious mascara, that creates the illusion of beauty," for "Her mascara applies illusion to others' eyes". Second stanza sucks donkey balls: the simile of the modesty and pendants just lacks strength and it's hard to stablish an analogy between those two objects apart from "she had them once hung". So I suggest you could try and do this: an imagery between this woman and some sort of tribal warrior/cannibal or something like that. Something like "She wears (multi-chained)* necklaces that hang something/ They are not pendants but human trophies" *I'd eliminate that word too, you have an obsession with composed words and it doesn't sound really well but that one's just OK. Then, on the last two verses on that stanza, I'd do some of paradox with "Her revealing blousse shows what she lacks of / As a heart can't share room with such jugs" [/QUOTE]
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BakerMan
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I rather enjoy a life of taking it easy. I haven't reached that life yet though.
@
Xdqwerty
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Good night
Today at 2:54 AM
@
The Real Jdbye
:
don't mind me, just liking all of SDIO's posts, they deserve it for
https://gbatemp.net/threads/usb-partition-use-partitioned-usb-hdds-with-the-wii-u.656209/
Today at 2:58 AM
@
Shubshub
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oshit its the real jdbye
Today at 4:33 AM
@
BakerMan
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guys when i get back on discord i'm making my pfp the smug DK face
Today at 4:53 AM
@
BakerMan
:
this one
+1
Today at 4:54 AM
@
The Real Jdbye
:
@BakerMan
needs more expand dong
+1
Today at 8:54 AM
@
Sonic Angel Knight
:
Today at 10:31 AM
@
Sonic Angel Knight
:
I thought it was duck season, not... king kong season....
Today at 10:31 AM
@
K3Nv2
:
https://youtu.be/_NsOxG2zwWA?si=oK21qVNxgd98AyJT
Today at 11:06 AM
@
Veho
:
https://i.imgur.com/yB4tVps.jpg
Today at 11:35 AM
@
Veho
:
To ensure Florida is the freest state in the country, we will ban
colors.
+2
Today at 11:35 AM
@
Jayro
:
Florida needs to just... break off and float away.
Today at 11:58 AM
@
Jayro
:
Be the free-est you can be. XD
Today at 11:58 AM
@
Veho
:
Freedom*
*(terms and conditions apply)
+1
Today at 11:59 AM
@
K3Nv2
:
Hawaii played it smart and said we're too hot for this land
Today at 12:19 PM
@
K3Nv2
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https://overclock3d.net/news/cases_...d-multi-coloured-ai-cryofuze-5-thermal-paste/
+1
Today at 1:24 PM
@
BigOnYa
:
Kinda silly. But cool I guess. Its like painting your 2by4 wood studs in a wall, before covering with drywall.
+1
Today at 2:29 PM
@
BigOnYa
:
I heard a good one at the bar last night, made me think for sec. - "If you are cold, go stand in the corner, because corners are always 90 degrees."
+3
Today at 2:36 PM
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Psionic Roshambo
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Lol
Today at 2:44 PM
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The Real Jdbye
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....90 degrees is way too hot though
Today at 3:13 PM
@
The Real Jdbye
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also, my apartment is proof that corners are not always 90 degrees
+2
Today at 3:14 PM
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BigOnYa
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It's just a joke..
Today at 3:16 PM
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Psionic Roshambo
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90K it's fine lol
Today at 3:30 PM
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BakerMan
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i just worked out and i'm feeling great
9 minutes ago
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BakerMan
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kinda feeling like that remix of the perfect cell theme
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BakerMan
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kinda feeling like that remix of the perfect cell theme
7 minutes ago
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