A poem made of phail.

Discussion in 'General Off-Topic Chat' started by scubersteve, Mar 28, 2008.

  1. scubersteve

    scubersteve Newbie

    Vanity Disection
    By: Steven Ye

    She veils herself with a dark shade of crimson lipstick,
    Luscious mascara, that creates the illusion of beauty,
    The inch-thick layer of foundation cemented onto her face is her protection.
    Her white gold hoop earrings dangle with a sign of danger.

    She wears multi-chained necklaces that hang her pendants,
    Just as she once did with her modesty.
    She flaunts her revealing blouse made of lace
    With a shirt that tight, it seems her breasts are about to burst,

    Her hemmed skirt climbs inch-by-inch up her thighs,
    Her stockings rise up into an abyss,
    Her seductive legs appear to offer something more,
    But that’s where the deception lies.

    She sashays in her Converse shoes by day,
    And her secret weapon, her Prada heels, by night.
    She strides guardedly as to not drop the jug of water on her head,
    Her icy glare stings like a snake bite.

    She appears to be magnificent,
    And is envied by other women,
    But she scares men;
    They fear rejection and her high-end needs.
    [/end teh poem]

    I gotta analyze it. Find the metaphors and such.
    Yes, it was poem that I wrote, BUT I HATE DOING ENGLISH HOMEWORK!
    Last stanza is phail, I know.
    So, GBAtemp, wanna help me?
    Not even just analyzing, but making the poem better would be helpful too =D

    Someone told me to do an allusion to Helen of Troy.
  2. fischju

    fischju Rehabilitated Jaywalker

    Jan 11, 2008
    United States
    Does it have to be about anything specific?
  3. scubersteve

    scubersteve Newbie

    Well, I already wrote the poem, and rewriting an entire poem isn't cool.
  4. fischju

    fischju Rehabilitated Jaywalker

    Jan 11, 2008
    United States
    Well, you don't know much about women. Try to tweak it a bit to be what you know about - men.
  5. science

    science science rules

    Jun 9, 2006
    Beh this is really baddddddd
  6. Quantum

    Quantum GBAtemp Regular

    Jun 12, 2004
    United States
    Random thoughts, I guess:

    - You're missing an "s" in the word "dissection".
    - In the last line of the second stanza, "it seems her breasts are about to burst", I think you should remove the "it seems". It'll be more consistent with the rest of the poem, because elsewhere you use metaphors and direct comparisons, while this line as it is sounds much less confident and more roundabout. I hope that just made sense.
    - Every stanza, except for the third one, begins with "She" and then goes into the rest of it. I think you should try to fit that into the first line of the third stanza as well, because the parallel structure would be a nice touch.
    - Ending with "high-end needs" seems kind of bland. You use more exaggerated words throughout the poem, and "high-end" just doesn't seem to have enough power to it.
    - Your punctuation is erratic and oftentimes incorrect. It's really just a bunch of picky grammatical Nazism, but you should definitely fix it. Read the poem as if it were regular sentences, and most of the punctuation errors pop out immediately (missing periods, commas where there should be semicolons, etc.)

    Hope this helps.
  7. JPH

    JPH Banned

    Jul 11, 2006
    United States
    Bravo, scubersteve. You're a poet and you didn't know it [​IMG]

    Really impressed, though. You've got a talent there, scubersteve [​IMG]
  8. BoneMonkey

    BoneMonkey The cheese stash is a lie.

    Dec 9, 2006
    United States
    Roses are red
    Violets are blue
    I want to make love
    Like a monkey to you !
  9. scubersteve

    scubersteve Newbie

    Can't believe i missed the S >.<
    Best help ever.
    You're probobly awesomer than my english tutor (an teacher who's major was in bio).

    i need something synonamous to high end...
  10. RayorDragonFall

    RayorDragonFall I see you've played knifey-spoony before.

    Mar 15, 2003
    Maybe it's just me but... I can't really feel the rhythm in the poem, only with "And her secret weapon, her Prada heels, by night." and "Her icy glare stings like a snake bite."
  11. xcalibur

    xcalibur Gbatemp's Chocolate Bear

    Jun 2, 2007
    Sacred Heart
    Not so failish as most of your endevours so I applaud you for that :bravo: !
    Sadly, I hate poems even though I got an A in english lit.(anyone should)

    The most important parts are insignificant parts which you usually should understand. Just state the obvious as if you're explaining it to a child. Thats what my teacher told me and its worked great for me so far.
  12. Maktub

    Maktub GBAtemp Advanced Fan

    Nov 4, 2006
    Ok, I will be serious with you this time, Steve. I'd be a prick to you on normal circumstances but I like poetry [​IMG]

    First of all, rhyme sucks. You know, you can make great poems with no rhymes at all but dude, that's off your skills (even mine, and I've been writing for a long time now). You seem to try to make an internal rhyme (that a word in the verse rhymes with the one in the end of the verse), and you didn't do very well, but you kinda fixed it with the addition of some external rhymes (random, as I can't see any pattern). "inch" is repeated twice, so instead of "The inch-thick layer" I'd go just for "The layer...", and that will make the verse a little bit shorter and more rhytmic at the same time.

    Anyway, I don't like the formal stuff so I will go with the content:

    First stanza is alright: there is some good imagery (cemented gives the feeling of something hard and hard to go through, dangling sign of danger kinda reminds of a snake... I'd change "Luscious mascara, that creates the illusion of beauty," for "Her mascara applies illusion to others' eyes".

    Second stanza sucks donkey balls: the simile of the modesty and pendants just lacks strength and it's hard to stablish an analogy between those two objects apart from "she had them once hung". So I suggest you could try and do this: an imagery between this woman and some sort of tribal warrior/cannibal or something like that. Something like "She wears (multi-chained)* necklaces that hang something/ They are not pendants but human trophies" *I'd eliminate that word too, you have an obsession with composed words and it doesn't sound really well but that one's just OK. Then, on the last two verses on that stanza, I'd do some of paradox with "Her revealing blousse shows what she lacks of / As a heart can't share room with such jugs"
  13. RayorDragonFall

    RayorDragonFall I see you've played knifey-spoony before.

    Mar 15, 2003
    So it's not just me..

    Even though, I like it. You maybe need a bit of practice, but it's a good start [​IMG]
  14. Little

    Little I r Little

    Nov 20, 2006
    Ever heard of plagiarism scubersteve?
    You better hope your school doesn't use turnitin or a similar application.
    Or you're about to get a close to 100% match for plagiarising your own work.

  15. Maktub

    Maktub GBAtemp Advanced Fan

    Nov 4, 2006
    That turnitin thing is interesting - I guess it costs money?
  16. Masta_mind257

    Masta_mind257 GBAtemp Regular

    Jul 3, 2006
    In ur mother
    ScuberS poem = phail
    ScuberS and the poem together = EPIC PHAIL