Aggravating stories from tech illiterates
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My father has the habit to click an icon 10 times in a row
then he later complains why there is so many windows open at the same time
Quite some time ago mi mother made do me the weirdest stunt, when she asked me to transfer a power point presentation into her cell phone
[she liked the music that was included in]
I came up with the idea of recording the actual pps file and then convert it to 3gp
After she complained that the words were too tiny, she made search in youtube for the music video of it
[thank god for keepvid!]
There was this other time when my nephews sent a disc of family photos and my mother wanted to print them
When i looked in the disc's contents, it's was actually a video cd made entirely of photos
then he later complains why there is so many windows open at the same time
Quite some time ago mi mother made do me the weirdest stunt, when she asked me to transfer a power point presentation into her cell phone
[she liked the music that was included in]
I came up with the idea of recording the actual pps file and then convert it to 3gp
After she complained that the words were too tiny, she made search in youtube for the music video of it
[thank god for keepvid!]
There was this other time when my nephews sent a disc of family photos and my mother wanted to print them
When i looked in the disc's contents, it's was actually a video cd made entirely of photos
jesus, did she at least feed you while you were doing all that shit?
While Im on EBay buying something for my Mum.
Me : Quickly scrolling down ,skipping through the things that are not related.
Mum: "WHY ARE YOU MOVING SO FAST!! SLOW DOWN!
Me : Scrolling... slow as a turtle.
-----------
One day I went on my Mums Pc, when I went onto the web browser, all I saw was a never ending amount of tabs...
Me : Quickly scrolling down ,skipping through the things that are not related.
Mum: "WHY ARE YOU MOVING SO FAST!! SLOW DOWN!
Me : Scrolling... slow as a turtle.
-----------
One day I went on my Mums Pc, when I went onto the web browser, all I saw was a never ending amount of tabs...
To be honest, I used to do that, too. 3 windows, at least 6 or so tabs in each...
TvTropes did not help matters.
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So my mother in law calls me up, wants me to cleanup her computer. Pretty reasonable.
I remove a whole crapload of toolbars, adware, spyware, scareware, etc...
PC is running like a champ.
"I asked you to do a cleanup, not remove everything! I was using that stuff! Next time I'll take it to a professional!"
Good. Bother someone else next time.
I remove a whole crapload of toolbars, adware, spyware, scareware, etc...
PC is running like a champ.
"I asked you to do a cleanup, not remove everything! I was using that stuff! Next time I'll take it to a professional!"
Good. Bother someone else next time.
2 times Vbios got corrupted because of faulty and risky video bios updates inside BIOS on notebooks. Dead motherboards. Clients went insane, FFS those key combos to restore BIOS from some device are helpful...
Diskettes have had saveD my life far more times than nowadays "usb mass storage devices" on BIOS procedures.
And some other stuff, like my mom's software (input client data) not working on any machine that could not run SQL webserver + some visual basic program designed back in 1985 by Dr Brown. It wouldn't work on windows 98, 2000 barely but that notebook could not handle windows 2000 with ease. So I had to reformat, and I found out it used a SCSI controller. It had no 98 and lower OS support. It had a CD drive through the SCSI controller, and the CD drive had trouble reading CDs. It was a Dell latitude CPX something (1999-2001 pc)
My mom needed that software running because the report (once in a year) wasn't complete without her input. So yeah, I was screwed, but that lead me to assembly world and learn to debug stuff (or die) .. so anyway, found a scsi controller (had to insert dell's scsi controller string), and it worked on DOS mode. from there everything worked.. ffs.
edit: right now there's no known INTEL GMA 3600 driver for windows xp, so intel has a driver compiler (with their own profiles of specific motherboard architectures), and i've compiled one, but it's giving black screens, maybe because of VRAM workspace init area.. if this works i'll be happy
Diskettes have had saveD my life far more times than nowadays "usb mass storage devices" on BIOS procedures.
And some other stuff, like my mom's software (input client data) not working on any machine that could not run SQL webserver + some visual basic program designed back in 1985 by Dr Brown. It wouldn't work on windows 98, 2000 barely but that notebook could not handle windows 2000 with ease. So I had to reformat, and I found out it used a SCSI controller. It had no 98 and lower OS support. It had a CD drive through the SCSI controller, and the CD drive had trouble reading CDs. It was a Dell latitude CPX something (1999-2001 pc)
My mom needed that software running because the report (once in a year) wasn't complete without her input. So yeah, I was screwed, but that lead me to assembly world and learn to debug stuff (or die) .. so anyway, found a scsi controller (had to insert dell's scsi controller string), and it worked on DOS mode. from there everything worked.. ffs.
edit: right now there's no known INTEL GMA 3600 driver for windows xp, so intel has a driver compiler (with their own profiles of specific motherboard architectures), and i've compiled one, but it's giving black screens, maybe because of VRAM workspace init area.. if this works i'll be happy
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Dad: "Son, how do I transfer photos from my digital camera to my PC?"
"Oh, you just plug it to your computer via USB and copy the files out as if it were a thumb drive."
Dad: "Huh? How do I do that?"
"Oh, you just plug it to your computer via USB and copy the files out as if it were a thumb drive."
Dad: "Huh? How do I do that?"
My mom lost $6,000 because she didn't say anything to me before carrying out the transaction. Part of the reason she was so confident in the scam was that she spent a lot of time on the phone with some guy in England (the call was at his expense) being sold on the deal.
I told her to call the police (for the love of God!!!), but she decided going into more debt was better than involving feds. This really pissed me off as she wound up having to take money out of her 401k after a judgement was levied against her in a suit from her former bank. She shouldn't have just taken it sitting it down but now she will never do anything on the internet regarding money without my approval/assistance.
edit: oops, posted before finishing sentence.
edit2: I really don't think anything in my 15 years of being a hobbyist/technician can even come close to this experience. Thinking about it makes me physically uneasy even though this happened about 4-5 years ago. It pretty much blurs out every other vaguely irritating experience from my memory.
Grade 7 teacher: "Did you know that when you hit the red button on the phone, it turns off the conversation?"
Same teacher: "Can I use one of your guys' calculators?
Student: "Use the one on your laptop."
Teacher: "I have on on my laptop? How do I get to it?"
Student: "Go to your applications folder."
Teacher: "Where is that?"
Same teacher: "Can I use one of your guys' calculators?
Student: "Use the one on your laptop."
Teacher: "I have on on my laptop? How do I get to it?"
Student: "Go to your applications folder."
Teacher: "Where is that?"
I'm tech support. Not only do we have a good deal of clueless people and arrogant people, but we're backed by an ICT company who has some of the most lazy or incompetent people possible (the worst part is that because of the phone and mail, it's mostly anonymous).
Some gems:
When coming to work in our company, you get the choice of keeping your own SIM card or getting a new one. And with a phone or smartphone to go with it. My colleague and me handle the smartphones. We're used to vague questions or remarks, but there was this one guy who came to us asking what the password of HIS OWN sim card was. For some reason or another, he must have managed to use his previous phone for YEARS without ever having to enter his pin code. He quickly settled for a new sim code afterwards. The worst part...this was a newly hired bigshot manager in accounting.
Another guy was a typical power user. He INSISTED on it having the latest quad core dual wielding, this many gigabyte, that many RAM...as if he was shopping instead of getting the same freaking model everyone else got. Well...not exactly: not long before, we were told to hand out the basic model to keep the budget in check. Only on special cases, new persons would get an approval of a newer model. So obviously, we asked why he needed all that stuff.
He: I'm a teacher. I'm using it for powerpoint. On slower models, it sometimes hangs for a split second when I click on it to show the next slide.
The worst part: after we rejected it, he went to defend his case higher up on the command chain. He got his better laptop.
Then there was this other guy who managed not only to order 8GB of RAM extra on a 32-bit system (which already had 4GB to start with and no spare place on the motherboard), but to get it approved as well. When I got the RAM and the order, I went and told him it wouldn't make no difference at all (and why), he replied with "just install it. I'm sure it'll be better than nothing".
I actually suggested to my boss whether I should have used superglue to get those sticks on his laptop.
EDIT: almost forgot: this one was from last Friday:
In order to take over someone's PC, we have to know the name of that PC. It's a nine-digit number which is on a sticker on the PC. Unfortunately, this sticker tends to be on keyboards, mice and monitors as well (inventory purposes). It's pretty common that people give me the name of their monitor or docking station instead, though the guy on friday was thus far my first who insisted that he gave me his PC number andnot the monitor (it was his monitor, as I checked later). Luckily, the default image also renames "My computer" into "<insert user name> on <insert PC name>" . It took him literally five minutes for him to locate the icon on his PC. When I was connected, I somewhat expected a huge MESS of desktop folders, files, shortcuts and the lot...but I was wrong: there were only 4 or 5 icons on there.
Worse: I had to connect to that pc and the pc directly next to it. So while rectangulating over the icon and telling EXACTLY which icon I had meant and that the PC next to it had to have one with nearly the exact same icon and name...he still manages to give me even more totally different numbers that had nothing to do with anything.
EDIT 2: ...and one of our retarded/lazy ICT company.
At one point, I had to remaster an old returned PC. We have a live USB drive from it...but this PC somehow refused to boot from it. The BIOS was locked. More precisely: it was locked but not with any of the 2 or 3 passwords we were given for a BIOS. Since these were fairly old, you could reset the BIOS by removing the battery on the motherboard. However...in some clairvoyance of genius, the ICT company had locked the case. It had a key, but we didn't have one.
So I mailed them the whole situation: the regular BIOS passwords don't work...were there any other that were used on <this particular type of PC>? I also included that I couldn't even open up the case due to it being locked.
(note: I'm only that thorough on my mails because the majority of my clients refuse to mail them after retarded, not-working responses. I'm SURE they would have replied with "have you tried restarting" otherwise).
About a week later, I got a letter. Not a mail: a letter. It was a key for the PC case and a typed note saying "hopefully this helps". That was all: no name, phone, or even a return address on the envelop.
Which was, unfortunately, pretty smart in a cynical kind of way: there was no way to file a complaint because there was nobody to point to.
But by far the most retarded one was happening between me and a secretary. The secretary of our CEO, no less. It went somewhat like this:
She: can you come over? There's something wrong with <insert CEO's name>'s phone.
Me: what kind of phone does he have?
She: nokia
Me: ...all our phones are nokia's. What kind?
She: I don't know.
Me: what is wrong with it?
She: I don't know. I'm calling you to fix it.
Me: what kind of error does it give?
She: I don't know.
Me: *sigh* I'm coming over. (we were in the same building)
Though it's less than 2 minutes between our desks and I should logically have passed the CEO on the way, when I arrive, he is somehow gone when I get in her office.
Me: okay...so where's the phone?
She: he took it with him.
Me: erm...I'm going to assume he's having problems receiving mails here (a common issue). Did he change his password recently?
She: not that I know of.
Me: can I reach him?
She: no.
Me: erm...okay. Does he has his laptop with him? (so I can mail the guy for some info)
She: no. He only has his smartphone.
Me: ...which...has a problem...
She: Yes. Can you fix it?
Me: hard to say. Can you get me the phone when he gets back?
She: no! He will need it this weekend! (this was friday afternoon...he left early) Can't you fix it?
Me: erm...that's going to be difficult...
Yeah...in the end it was just a password sync error. But we actually had to sent a tech out just for that. I had to lower my thoughts on that secretary, however. (yes, she REALLY thought I could fix a phone without any info whatsoever).
Anyway...I got so much of these stories I bundled them in a satire once ("If doctors had to work like ICT-technicians..."). It's a bit long, but I'm still kinda proud of it:
Some gems:
When coming to work in our company, you get the choice of keeping your own SIM card or getting a new one. And with a phone or smartphone to go with it. My colleague and me handle the smartphones. We're used to vague questions or remarks, but there was this one guy who came to us asking what the password of HIS OWN sim card was. For some reason or another, he must have managed to use his previous phone for YEARS without ever having to enter his pin code. He quickly settled for a new sim code afterwards. The worst part...this was a newly hired bigshot manager in accounting.
Another guy was a typical power user. He INSISTED on it having the latest quad core dual wielding, this many gigabyte, that many RAM...as if he was shopping instead of getting the same freaking model everyone else got. Well...not exactly: not long before, we were told to hand out the basic model to keep the budget in check. Only on special cases, new persons would get an approval of a newer model. So obviously, we asked why he needed all that stuff.
He: I'm a teacher. I'm using it for powerpoint. On slower models, it sometimes hangs for a split second when I click on it to show the next slide.
The worst part: after we rejected it, he went to defend his case higher up on the command chain. He got his better laptop.
Then there was this other guy who managed not only to order 8GB of RAM extra on a 32-bit system (which already had 4GB to start with and no spare place on the motherboard), but to get it approved as well. When I got the RAM and the order, I went and told him it wouldn't make no difference at all (and why), he replied with "just install it. I'm sure it'll be better than nothing".
I actually suggested to my boss whether I should have used superglue to get those sticks on his laptop.
EDIT: almost forgot: this one was from last Friday:
In order to take over someone's PC, we have to know the name of that PC. It's a nine-digit number which is on a sticker on the PC. Unfortunately, this sticker tends to be on keyboards, mice and monitors as well (inventory purposes). It's pretty common that people give me the name of their monitor or docking station instead, though the guy on friday was thus far my first who insisted that he gave me his PC number andnot the monitor (it was his monitor, as I checked later). Luckily, the default image also renames "My computer" into "<insert user name> on <insert PC name>" . It took him literally five minutes for him to locate the icon on his PC. When I was connected, I somewhat expected a huge MESS of desktop folders, files, shortcuts and the lot...but I was wrong: there were only 4 or 5 icons on there.
Worse: I had to connect to that pc and the pc directly next to it. So while rectangulating over the icon and telling EXACTLY which icon I had meant and that the PC next to it had to have one with nearly the exact same icon and name...he still manages to give me even more totally different numbers that had nothing to do with anything.
EDIT 2: ...and one of our retarded/lazy ICT company.
At one point, I had to remaster an old returned PC. We have a live USB drive from it...but this PC somehow refused to boot from it. The BIOS was locked. More precisely: it was locked but not with any of the 2 or 3 passwords we were given for a BIOS. Since these were fairly old, you could reset the BIOS by removing the battery on the motherboard. However...in some clairvoyance of genius, the ICT company had locked the case. It had a key, but we didn't have one.
So I mailed them the whole situation: the regular BIOS passwords don't work...were there any other that were used on <this particular type of PC>? I also included that I couldn't even open up the case due to it being locked.
(note: I'm only that thorough on my mails because the majority of my clients refuse to mail them after retarded, not-working responses. I'm SURE they would have replied with "have you tried restarting" otherwise).
About a week later, I got a letter. Not a mail: a letter. It was a key for the PC case and a typed note saying "hopefully this helps". That was all: no name, phone, or even a return address on the envelop.
Which was, unfortunately, pretty smart in a cynical kind of way: there was no way to file a complaint because there was nobody to point to.
But by far the most retarded one was happening between me and a secretary. The secretary of our CEO, no less. It went somewhat like this:
She: can you come over? There's something wrong with <insert CEO's name>'s phone.
Me: what kind of phone does he have?
She: nokia
Me: ...all our phones are nokia's. What kind?
She: I don't know.
Me: what is wrong with it?
She: I don't know. I'm calling you to fix it.
Me: what kind of error does it give?
She: I don't know.
Me: *sigh* I'm coming over. (we were in the same building)
Though it's less than 2 minutes between our desks and I should logically have passed the CEO on the way, when I arrive, he is somehow gone when I get in her office.
Me: okay...so where's the phone?
She: he took it with him.
Me: erm...I'm going to assume he's having problems receiving mails here (a common issue). Did he change his password recently?
She: not that I know of.
Me: can I reach him?
She: no.
Me: erm...okay. Does he has his laptop with him? (so I can mail the guy for some info)
She: no. He only has his smartphone.
Me: ...which...has a problem...
She: Yes. Can you fix it?
Me: hard to say. Can you get me the phone when he gets back?
She: no! He will need it this weekend! (this was friday afternoon...he left early) Can't you fix it?
Me: erm...that's going to be difficult...
Yeah...in the end it was just a password sync error. But we actually had to sent a tech out just for that. I had to lower my thoughts on that secretary, however.
(yes, she REALLY thought I could fix a phone without any info whatsoever).Anyway...I got so much of these stories I bundled them in a satire once ("If doctors had to work like ICT-technicians..."). It's a bit long, but I'm still kinda proud of it:
**Intro:**
Modern society is a funny thing. Technology advances rapidly, as is our dependance upon it. On the other hand, we – or most among us – shun knowing about it. “It just has to work” is the general idea. And that “has” tends to become personal. Because not being able to work or reachable to others means to be crippled and helpless.
I'm a ICT-support guy by profession. And lemme tell you: “crippled and helpless” is by far over exaggerated. Everyone seems to assume that any kind of technological issue is a piece of cake to “the IT-nerd”. There are people – usually bigshots in the company – who buy a smartphone, start messing around with it until they manage to break something and then toss it our way with a vague description (“it doesn't work”). On pretty much a daily basis.
It's also normal for me to be called a specialist in everything from phones, printers, PC's, tablets to the most exclusive software ever. It's less fun than it sounds: deadlines are usually yesterday, manuals were thrown away and the client is breathing in your neck asking questions like “why doesn't it work?” every five seconds.
So I started wondering...what if doctors had to work like we do?
The answer would be as follows...
---
**Patient:** *<walks straight into the office>* Ey, dude...how 'r things? Say, I've got me a question. My sis has some issues lately...you know, if you've got the time...
**Doctor:** erm...what kind of issues?
**Patient:** I dunno. Something of 'er stomach or something. Or her lungs. You'know...something. Any idea what it could be?
**Doctor:** Where's she now?
**Patient:** busy on something. But if you could spare some time, go check her out, will ya?
---
**Patient:** ow, man…I've got this pain lately.
**Doctor:** pain? What kind of pain?
**Patient:** y'know…pain. Just: pain. Like...yeah...
**Doctor:** Stomach ache?
**Patient:** yeah...possibly.
**Doctor:** *<starts investigating>*
*about 15 minutes later*
**Doctor:** well...it looks kinda normal...
**Patient:** erm…can I interrupt? That's not the right spot. It's over *here* that it hurts.
**Doctor:** …that's not your stomach. That's your knee.
**Patient:** stomach...knee...all the same. I'm no biologist.
---
**Doctor:** so...what's the problem? :-)
**Patient:** yeah, I've combined me some metrochloradyne with agelbagorp and antichlimidagel.
**Doctor:** Interesting…
**Patient:** …and it didn't work.
**Doctor:** what didn't?
**Patient:** that stuff. It was supposed to be a giving me a boost, but it didn't.
**Doctor:** ah…and you're here because...?
**Patient:** you've got to find out why not!
**Doctor:** erm…and how am I supposed to do that? I've never heard of those products.
**Patient:** what? Never? But you're the specialist?!
**Doctor:** I'm a doctor. But that doesn't mean I know all the products by the pharmaceutical industry. At the very least, I'm not a specialist. Who advised you them?
**Patient:** don't it work?
**Doctor:** how should I know? I just told you I've never heard of 'em!
**Patient:** pfff…some specialist you are...
---
**Doctor:** ouch...this looks serious. I'm afraid you'll have to stay at home for at least a week.
**Patient:** what!? But I've got an important presentation in an hour! I've got to be there in an hour!
**Doctor:** You've broken your leg...
**Patient:** indeed! And it has to be unbroken. Right NOW! It's URGENT!
---
**Patient:** *<pondering>* man...I feel...I feel... *<suddenly hit by a streak of enormous technological insight>* sick! Do you know how to cure sickishness?
**Doctor:** have you eaten anything wrong lately?
**Patient:** *<avoidant>* maybe…
**Doctor:** *<checks purchases at pharmacies>* I see you've bought a great number of medicine without prescriptions lately…
**Patient:** yeah, it was just to try it out. It went okay until it went worse.
**Doctor:** why did you buy all that? Who needs three different pills against headaches?
**Patient:** it's just...my buddy has medicine for a hobby, and he had found a nice cocktail on the internet, and...youknow...
**Doctor:** you just took everything at the same time?
**Patient:** yeah, pretty much...y'think that may have something to do with it?
---
**Doctor:** ah…mr. Smith. How are you? Any progress? :-)
**Patient:** oh, shaddap! It's still the same!
**Doctor:** they couldn't help you in the hospital?
**Patient:** no...or rather: I didn't want it. They wanted to do an “operation”-thing, and it would've cost me a fortune.
**Doctor:** well...from what I diagnosed, it was pretty severe...
**Patient:** …and that's why I'm coming to you to get it fixed.
**Doctor:** …
**Doctor:** I've transferred you to them because I couldn't help you. I have neither the experience, knowledge or the equipment!
**Patient:** but I don't trust those guys! You have to do it!
---
**Patient:** got me a question…
**Doctor:** yes?
**Patient:** *<puts box of pills on the table>* I wonder...can ya help me with this?
**Doctor:** *<reads box>* what do you want to know?
**Patient:** how d' ya use them things?
**Doctor:** erm...orally?
**Patient:** say what?
**Doctor:** they have to be swallowed.
**Patient:** dude! That's not what I meant! I ain't no retard. But what do they DO!?
**Doctor:** have you read the package leaflet?
**Patient:** no...'t was too many words. I just wanna know what they DO.
**Doctor:** well...you can trust your girlfriend knows what to do with them. :-)
**Patient:** huh? Girlfriend?
**Doctor:** these are anti conception pills.
**Patient:** wow, dude! Spare me the technical crap! I'm not a freaking fama...pharam…specialist!
**Doctor:** …
**Doctor:** thsese are pills your girlfriend has to take on regular basis in order to avoid unwanted pregnancies.
**Patient:** but I ain't got no girlfriend!
**Doctor:** then why did you bought them?
**Patient:** they were 10% off in advertisement!
**Doctor:** that's...possible...
**Patient:** and what if I wanted to avoid pregnancies? Can't I use them then?
**Doctor:** excuse me?
**Patient:** if I take those pills...will it prevent the girl I'm with from becoming pregnant?
**Doctor:** I'm afraid it doesn't work that way. You see, these pills are made so her ovaries...
**Doctor:** *<takes a brief look at the patient who clearly has NO IDEA what that is>*
**Doctor:** …lemme just say that these pills don't work that way.
**Patient:** but what am I supposed to do with it?
**Doctor:** I dunno...?
**Patient:** I want my money back! This is a rip of!
**Doctor:** I...can't really disagree on that. But would you please leave my office so I can do some work?
**Patient:** eh? Oh...sure. Sorry. But man...c'mon! What kind of false advertisement is that? They don't even say what kind of pill it is. They just dub it “The pill”. How retarded is that?
*( translator's note: in Dutch, “de pil” both means regular pills and anti conception pills. As such, the article 'de' (=the) is pretty important. It's very known, though. However, I have no idea if a literal translation makes any sense )*
---
*translator's note: this one obviously doesn't apply everywhere*
**Patient:** *<storms in>* yo, dude...I've heard ya can prescribe me some grass...
**Doctor:** that's...possible, yes.
**Patient:** cool. Can you proscribe me some?
**Doctor:** that depends on what's bothering you...
**Patient:** the pharmacist is bothering me! Some administrative thing. Can't you just proscribe him so it's alright and by the books and stuff?
**Doctor:** not without specific complaints, I'm afraid.
**Patient:** what do you mean? You proscribed it to Joe, didn't cha?
**Doctor:** I'm afraid I can't just speak about the conditions of others...
**Patient:** why not? *<hostile>* You're just describing it to your FRIENDS, you mean?
**Doctor:** *<biting teeth>* as a docter, I'm bound by the Hippocratic oath, which states...
**Patient:** So it ain't allowed?
**Doctor:** no…it ain't.
**Patient:** hmm…ok. I'll get it. Don't want cha doing nothing illegal. But do you happen to know a place or someone that could hook me up?
---
**Patient:** yo, Philip…check this out, man! *<rolls up sleeve>*
**Doctor:** ouch...that arms looks pretty bad. What happened?
**Patient:** yeah, one of those things fell on it. Y'know...them “fluid”.
**Doctor:** What kind of fluid?
**Patient:** I dunno exactly. You know...Reeks pretty sharp…
**Doctor:** methylated spirit?
**Patient:** What's that? But yeah...it could be…
**Doctor:** what were you using it for?
**Patient:** for cleaning...or perhaps painting. Or repairs. I dun't remember. Does it matter? Just fix it already!
**Doctor:** the jar containing the fluid...where there markings on it?
**Patient:** markings?
**Doctor:** orange background, furthermore black...either a skull... or an explosion...doesn't ring a bell?
**Patient:** oh, yeah, THAT! Well...no idea. It's not impossible. Was it on the bottle?
**Doctor:** I'm asking YOU! I can't say which kind of wound this is!
**Patient:** who cares? Just prescribe something already! It's itching!
**Doctor:** that could make things worse!
**Patient:** and ya REALLY can't say what this is?
**Doctor:** I'm a family doctor…no skin specialist!
**Patient:** since when are there different kinds of doctors?
---
**Patient:** good morning...my boss asked me to drop by on his behalf. He has a problem.
**Doctor:** sure...what kind of problem?
**Patient:** he asked me to come by for it.
**Doctor:** yes...but what's wrong with him?
**Patient:** well, if he knew that he wouldn't need you, wouldn't he?
**Doctor:** I mean...is he in pain?
**Patient:** I don't know...he didn't mention it.
**Doctor:** what DID he mention?
**Patient:** to come see you. Is all this really important?
**Doctor:** …
**Doctor:** can I call him?
**Patient:** that'll be hard: he's in an important meeting and unavailable for comment.
**Doctor:** well...then I'm afraid I can't help him.
**Patient:** what? Why not?
---
**Patient:** hello. I'm afraid I still have trouble with my back.
**Doctor:** ok…is this your second visit?
**Patient:** yes...well...the second time I'm seeing someone for it. Your colleague advised me to lie down in hot sea sand for an hour a day.
**Doctor:** erm...that sounds kinda...
**Patient:** *<interrupts>* …but I didn't have sea sand so I took some from a random heap of sand and mixed in some salt. That's okay, isn't it?
**Doctor:** erm…
**Patient:** then I warmed it all in the microwave oven. That okay?
**Doctor:** I...have never heard of that treatment. Who advised you exactly?
**Patient:** a buddy of mine. But he's into spiritual healing. And because the mind is connected to the back...
**Doctor:** why do you come to see me?
**Patient:** I need to know the correct temperature of the sand. Oh, and is it better to lie still, or roll around a bit now and then to make it settle in?
**Doctor:** I think you'll better ask that question to your “buddy”.
**Patient:** impossible...his back aches!
**Doctor:** …
---
**Patient:** *<storms in, fetches a handful of medicine out of his pocket and knocks it on the table>* That stuff you prescribed two weeks ago STINKS! Those calming pills don't work AT ALL!!
**Doctor:** *<starts to look up the situation in his computer>*
**Patient:** *<yelling in the doctor's ear in the mean time>* gotta admit it worked for SOME time. But only TEMPORARY! And then I got a STOMACH ACHE! And that got WORSE!
**Doctor:** did you try to relax during the week?
**Patient:** *<annoyed>* OF COURSE!
**Doctor:** ...and you avoided all forms of stress?
**Patient:** *<avoidand>* yes. Well...kind of. Just the bare minimum.
**Doctor:** you went to work?
**Patient:** no. Well...all right, I WAS calles...and perhaps a tele conference once or twice. And of course the major decision that had to be made. But a couple hours a day can't hurt, can it?
**Doctor:** I'd told you to avoid ALL forms of stress?
**Patient:** *<bursts out>* man! I just happen to be the senior vice executive manager of intraglobal services! I can't risk the future of my company just because your damn pills don't work?!
**Doctor:** erm…
**Patient:** I need stronger pills!
**Doctor:** I already provided you with the strongest kind!
**Patient:** then I'll up the dose!
**Doctor:** I really have to advice against it.
**Patient:** I don't give a damn!
**Doctor:** have you read the leaflet about the possible consequences of...?
**Patient:** READ? I DON'T READ! I'VE GOT A SECRETARY FOR THAT!
---
**Patient:** I've got a problem…
**Doctor:** yes...? :-) *<gets ready to take notes>*
**Patient:** can I get something for it?
**Doctor:** it depends on what kind of problem you're having?
**Patient:** pfff…I don't know. You're the doc.
**Doctor:** what's the issue?
**Patient:** well…stuff. Ya know...sometimes I don't feel so well.
**Doctor:** in what way?
**Patient:** just...not well.
**Doctor:** sick? Stomach ache?
**Patient:** *<looks not-understanding>* could be…
**Doctor:** are you in pain?
**Patient:** sometimes…it happens…
**Doctor:** where on your body?
**Patient:** no idea...
**Doctor:** erm…is there something else you can tell me?
**Patient:** no, I don't think so. Can't you just prescribe me something?
**Doctor:** Hmm...ok *<prescribes placebo>*
**Doctor:** here you go. If you take this three times a day during a week, everything'll be much better.
**Patient:** thanks a lot, doc!
---
**Patient:** *<with grating voice>*…got a question…
**Doctor:** fire ahead. :-)
**Patient:** busy cleaning toilet cabinet...stumbled upon these…*<puts a tupperware box of differently shaped and colored pills on the table>*…what are these?
**Doctor:** I have absolutely no idea. Where's their original package?
**Patient:** …thrown away…to save space. Why?
**Doctor:** Then how do you know which pills you should take for what?
**Patient:** that's why I am here! *<coughs>* Pharmacist…said that if soare throat returned…I had to take pills again.
**Doctor:** which ones?
**Patient:** don't remember…complex name. Just say which ones…talking takes me effort.
**Doctor:** I'm afraid there's no way to tell. Sorry, but you'll have to get rid of these.
**Patient:** *<shocked>* Why? I paid for them! *<cough, cough>*
**Doctor:** …but you can't say which pills cure what. It could be very dangerous for your health to just take pills when you don't know…
**Patient:** *<waves away explanation>* I get it…exploration. You want me to pay more. For…shame! *<cough, cough>*
**Doctor:** ...but if you just kept the pills in their original box, then…
**Patient:** *<takes box of pills and leaves the office in the middle of the explanation>*
---
**Patient:** doc...take a look at this! *<puts box of pills on the table>*
**Doctor:** *<frightened>* …and you want to know what they do?
**Patient:** no, man! These are pills against diarrhea.
**Doctor:** *<somewhat comforted>* ok…so what about them?
**Patient:** It's just...I was wondering if you'd be willing to prescribe them to others.
**Doctor:** okay, so...what are they called, exactly?
**Patient:** they don't have a name yet. But they've helped me a lot.
**Doctor:** what do you mean, “no name”?
**Patient:** my cousin cooked them up. And though it'll give a bit of gas, it really helps get rid of diarrhea.
**Doctor:** is your cousin a certified investigator to pharmaceuticals?
**Patient:** nah…but he *is* interested in chemistry! He once made us a something with which we could clean our kitchen sink! He's a genius with that! He can make anything!
**Doctor:** so you want me to prescribe illegal pharmaceutics?
**Patient:** why would it be illegal?
**Doctor:** because he's not a certified investigator. Because there could be any number of unknown consequences. Because this thing is pretty much untested. Because...never mind. Let's just say I'm not going to do it.
**Patient:** Pfff…aren't you dull.
---
**doorbell:** trrrring!!!
**Patient:** hello? Yes...cub on im...it's on the thirb fwoor.
**Doctor:** *<comes in, does the investigation>*
**Doctor:** okay...You've got a tough case of hay fever. It's pretty normal in these period of the year. It'll pass.
**Patient:** so I'b better stay hobe...home?
**Doctor:** no need. It's pretty safe to work. I'd just avoid parks and flowerbeds for the time being.
**Patient:** what? But you canb be serious!? Just...look at thibs hanperchief! Look! *<waves mucous handkerchief pretty much in the docter's face>*
**Doctor:** *<avoiding>* I believe you on your word, but honestly: it's not that bad. In fact: it's much more unhealthy to just stay indoors.
**Patient:** impossibbe! I am ILL! I hab to be in BED! And SLEEP!
**Doctor:** *<wonders how that'll help against hay fever>* erm…I can only give you my opinion. I can't really force you what to do.
**Patient:** but my job...
**Doctor:** ...is YOUR concern. I'm sorry, but I'm not going to lie to them because you want to stay at home.
**Patient:** fine, fine. I'll tell 'em. Oh, but doc...befobe you go...would you aeba...aerate the carpets?
**Doctor:** areate the carpets?
**Patient:** yeb. I am ill. And since you abe here...
**Doctor:** what does that have to do with me?
**Patient:** you abe concerbed about my health? It would ventilate the indoob air.
**Doctor:** why yes, but...that's not MY job?
**Patient:** why not?
---
**Patient:** *<excited>* dude! Ya gatta come immediately!
**Doctor:** *<starts packing>* What's going on?
**Patient:** flat tire on a bus nearby! It looks pretty bad!
**Doctor:** warn the hospital! *<hurries out the door>*
*<an hour later>*
**Doctor:** *<looks up from an enormous line of injuries and wounded people; notices the first patient>* Say...what's keeping the ambulance?
**Patient:** what? You seem to be doing okay, don't you?
**Doctor:** I'm busy with CPR! Haven't I told you to warn the hospital?
**Patient:** yeah, well...but I didn't really knew what to say when they asked for the address, and you were busy, and since you seemed to have a good handle on the situation...
**Doctor:** …you simply decided to stand around waiting until I got time for this?
**Patient:** wow, dude...you sound stressed. Take it easy. Sure, it's a lot of work, but that's your job, isn't it?
**Doctor:** there are people here with concussions and broken legs!
**Patient:** …and? Is that something serious?
---
**Doctor:** okay...and “that feeling” in your fingers...would that be more dull or more a tingling sensation?
**Patient:** fuck, dude! Lay of the technical terms, okay? I ain't no surgeon!
---
**Patient 2: ** yo, Greg…how are ya? :-)
**Doctor:** *quickly covers patient 1's nude upper bodyf* not now! And knock before you enter! And it's Martin...Greg's my colleague.
Patient 2: oops…sorry. Didn't mean to intrude. But anyway...could you take a look at this?
**Doctor:** can't you see I'm busy with someone already?
**Patient2:** sure, sure. I don't mean to rush you. It's just...I'm here...and it'll only take a few minutes...so...look...*<pushes pet in the face of the doctor>*
**Doctor:** …that's a dog.
**Patient2:** …and she's been doing pretty weird lately. She doesn't eat her usual dish, she...
**Doctor:** sorry, but you'll have to go to a veterinarian with her.
**Patient2:** *<indignant because of the interruption>* why?
**Doctor:** because I don't treat animals.
**Patient2:** *<on a tone of “jezus, what a lazy arsehole”>* and why not?
**Doctor:** animals and humans are totally different from one another!
**Patient2:** are they really? Okay, okay, I'll drop by one. What do I tell 'em?
**Doctor:** erm...the problem?
**Patient2:** ah…I see. And what if that “veterinarian” cannot fix it?
**Doctor:** …I don't know? Do you mind me working, please?
**Patient2:** sure, sure...not a problem.
---
**Patient:** I think I've done a wrong...
**Doctor:** spit it out. :-)
**Patient:** *<spits>*
**Doctor:** not...literally.
**Patient:** oh...okay. Well, I had some issues with my back, and google told me it could be haemorrhoids.
**Doctor:** well, we'll check...
**Patient:** so I immediately bought some products, but those caused my joints to hurt.
**Doctor:** what kinds of products?
**Patient:** something google advised. Anyway: I proceeded to purchase some ointments against bad joints, but it caused a rash.
**Doctor:** *<In doubt>* I see…
**Patient:** so I got me some pills against that, but that caused issues with my bladder. And it didn't help.
**Doctor:** so you're here to...?
**Patient:** …to prescribe me a better medicine. One that cures haemorrhoids, bad joints, a rash and my bladder.
**Doctor:** you could start by stop taking all those other medicines...
**Patient:** WHAT?! Man! Those things cost me a lot of money, so I WILL continue using them. And I'm busy, so it has to be fixed NOW! But if you want me to stop...here... *<puts a box of pills on the table>* Take it! Just gimme back my money!
**Doctor:** …erm…I think you better go to the pharmacist for that.
**Patient:** I did. They didn't want to get involved. So it's up to you to fix this mess!
---
*<in the middle of the night>*
**Phone:** triiinnggggggg!!!
**Doctor:** *<sleepy>* hullo?
**Patient:** yeah, hi...I cut myself. Could you come over to fix me up?
**Doctor:** cut yourself? How? How bad, I mean?
**Patient:** well...my finger bleeds...sorta...
**Doctor:** *<annoyed>* can't you go to emergencies?
**Patient:** I can't go out like this!?
**Doctor:** an ambulance?
**Patient:** man…you don't know what they charge? All it needs is a bandaid!
**Doctor:** then why are you calling?
**Patient:** I don't wanna do it myself. I'm too scared I might screw up.
---
**Patient:** so...have you found anything for that “cancer” thing yet? :-)
**Doctor:** didn't I transfer you to a specialized hospital for that?
**Patient:** why yes indeed! But they couldn't help out. So I dropped by to see if you happened to know a solution.
**Doctor:** …do I happen to have found a solution against cancer? Just like that? On my own? In ...two weeks time?
**Patient:** yes! I thought...you never know...:-)
**Doctor:** but I don't have time for that! I'm busy with clients all day long!
**Patient:** and between hours? Surely a geek like you is able to come up with something?
**Doctor:** What? When did I ever made such a ludicrous claim?
**Patient:** okay, not literally, but I thought...you did that “diagnose” thing about it, so...
**Doctor:** I'm afraid I can't help you with this...
**Patient:** c'mon, doc. It's my life we're talking about here. Won't you agree this is something IMPORTANT?
---
**Phone:** trrrriiinnngggg!
**Doctor:** hello?
**Patient:** 'morning. 'am a bit ill.
**Doctor:** that's too bad to hear. Shall I transfer you my secretary to book an appointment?
**Patient:** no can do...I've got a job to do.
**Doctor:** so it's not that bad?
**Patient:** how am I supposed to know? You're the doctor! Can't ya tell me what's wrong?
**Doctor:** how do you mean...by telephone?
**Patient:** yeah...I'm sometimes a bit dizzy and I sometimes cough. *<coughs to demonstrate>*
**Doctor:** I…am afraid I can't really make a good diagnose this way.
**Patient:** …
**Patient:** whatever. I'll see how I'll solve things myself. *<hangs up the phone>*
---
**Patient:** doc! It's terrible! This cure against intestine jam gives me a headache!
**Doctor:** *<reads leaflet of the medicine>* that's...one of the possible side effects, yes.
**Patient:** why didn't you say so!? You should have prescribed me something for it! I came here to get BETTER! Not to switch diseases!
**Doctor:** it wasn't said these effects would surface. In fact, they only happen in...
**Patient:** why didn't you say that? It's your product, right?
**Doctor:** no, not at all! I just prescribe it in case of...
**Patient:** oh…well...in any case: you'll have to solve this. I need pills against headache.
**Doctor:** sure, sure…
**Patient:** and I'm not paying for it! This is a damn rip off!
**Doctor:** *<sigh>*…then I'm afraid you'll have to take contact with the pharmaceutical company.
**Patient:** 'scuse me? What do I have to do with them?
**Doctor:** unlike me, it actually IS their product. I can't really test all their pills so I can only assume that they work. If not, it's certainly not my responsibility to take the blame.
**Patient:** well, if you put it like that...so if I want to file a complaint, how do I do that?
**Doctor:** I don't know...write them a letter? Search on their website? Hire an attorney? I really wouldn't know…
**Patient:** *<takes notes>* Interesting…It's always good to get some professional advise. I'll let you know about the result.
**Doctor:** what do I have to do with it?
**Patient:** in case they come up with complex terms like “side effects”. I'm just a normal guy. I can't follow all that medicine thing. And I'll need your help.
**Doctor:** that's...not my job?
**Patient:** c'mon, don't be shy. You knew this shit gives you a “headache”, right?
**Doctor:** I'm just reading it from this leaflet...
**Patient:** wow, wow, wow…hold the technical stuff! In fact...it's better if you call these guys and make them improve their pills.
**Doctor:** but...
**Patient:** I'll drop by again in a week to check if there's any progress!
---
**Phone:** trrrriiinggg
**Doctor:** doctor Philips speaking. :-)
**Representative:** good morning...my name's Morgan Kinch from the board of doctors. We received a complaint about you from a certain mister Biggs. Does the name mean anything to you?
**Doctor:** Biggs...I've got multiple clients...is this about Samuel Biggs?
**Representative:** yes...apparently, you didn't want to help him.
**Doctor:** excuse me?
**Representative:** that's the complaint as we've received it.
**Doctor:** mister Biggs comes here just about every week with the same symptoms that have to do with old age. The things I've described thus far have no effect. I asked him to see a specialist, but he always refused on base that they are “whippersnappers”.
**Representative:** so you confirm that you refuse to help him?
**Doctor:** haven't you read his file? I've made multiple diagnoses and prescribed just about anything. It's not my fault if there isn't anything on the market that can help him?
**Representative:** mister Biggs claims you've been withholding all the good medicine…
**Doctor:** …
**Doctor:** I'll leave that to the opinion of mister Biggs.
**Representative:** you weren't exactly customer friendly…
**Doctor:** he almost grabbed me by my doctor's coach. What do you expect?
**Representative:** *<soothing>* I understand...you're making long days, your clients aren't always as friendly and it sometimes happens that you're losing your professionalism. But mister Biggs leads a large company. I can't stress enough the importance of him being helped in the best way possible.
**Doctor:** …how does that change the fact that I've tried everything humanly possible?
**Representative:** in this particular situation, I've asked mister Bigs to consult another doctor. But for future references, I will expect a better customer friendliness towards your clients.
---
Phone: *<triiinngg>*
**Patient:** good afternoon, doc. I'm just calling to ask if I'm recovering from my illness.
---
**Patient:** yo, dude...write my daughter five tablets of peryoxidantose a day, will ya? :-)
**Doctor:** erm...and where is your daughter exactly?
**Patient:** she's ill at home in bed, obviously. What did you think?
**Doctor:** but I can't make a diagnose without here being here, can I?
**Patient:** no need, no need. She has the same thing as my cousin. Not feeling well and barely any appetite. Exactly as my poor cousin used to have.
**Doctor:** you mean your cousin infected your daughter?
**Patient:** *<hostile look in eyes>* And what exactly are you suggesting?
**Doctor:** I mean...you think your daughter caught the disease from him? By being around him?
**Patient:** you can catch a disease that way? Oh...well...it's possible, I guess. I mean...you're the expert, right?
**Doctor:** what kind of disease is your cousin having, actually?
**Patient:** I forgot. Something complex. It was been a year or so. But I'm certain of the name of the pills. I don't want to take a risk with my daughter's health!
---
**Doctor:** *<on home visit, to the mother of the patient>* Here you are: just get these at the pharmacist and your son'll be fine in three or four days. :-)
**Mother:** Thank you. Oh, and...while you're here...can I bother you with something else?
**Doctor:** sure...what's up?
**Mother:** well, I sometimes got this pain in my lower back. And an itch between my toes. And a strained neck from time to time. Also a foul taste in my mouth. Not now, but often enough. Do you have a cure for all of that?
**Doctor:** it's probably better to come by on consultation for that.
Mother: can't you do it now?
**Doctor:** I have to go to my next house call...
**Mother:** *<shrugs>* meh...those'll wait their turn.
---
**Patient:** say…I've got this tooth ache, lately. You see this tooth? Iw kinwa huws if I pwess on iw.
**Doctor:** …have you seen a dentist about it?
**Patient:** a what?
**Doctor:** a dentist. To have your tooth checked into.
**Patient:** there are different kinds of doctors? Wow! Since when? And where do I find one?
**Doctor:** in the phone book. Or wait...you're from around? I can advise doctor Johnson. He's a street ahead, on 43rd street.
**Patient:** I see...and what do I tell him?
**Doctor:** the same thing. He knows more about it than I do.
**Patient:** *<sceptic>* yes...but if not, I'm returning to you, y'hear?
---
**Patient:** hi dude. What's up? :-)
**Doctor:** I'm fine...how are you?
**Patient:** fine, man. Absolutely marvelous. I just got a question...what do I have to do to get the same prescription as Jim?
**Doctor:** erm…having the same symptoms?
**Patient:** *<nods in enthusiasm>* yep...I've got me those. :-)
**Doctor:** so what is it exactly that's bothering you?
**Patient:** I've got those same sin-tomes Jim has.
**Doctor:** *<sceptical>*…and what's bothering you YOURSELF?
**Patient:** *<thinks for a moment>* heart palpitations, no energy, foul mood. No, wait: tired mood. Yes...I'm VERY tired, doc. :-)
**Doctor:** *<nods>* can I check you out for a second?
**Patient:** hmm…I'd rather don't. It's...I don't want you to catch it, y'know. And since I've got the same sin-tomes as Jime...
**Doctor:** I'm afraid I can't write out things without a diagnose.
**Patient:** no problem! Just make the diagnose. There's no need to check things out, right?
---
**Phone:** Trrrriiiinggg!!
**Doctor:** hello?
**Patient:** dude...you've got to come IMMEDIATELY!
**Doctor:** *<alarmed>* what's going on?
**Patient:** I can't get an erection!
**Doctor:** *<relaxes>* ok...well...you can come on consultation for that.
**Patient:** ya don't understand. I need an erection NOW! I'll pay for it!
**Woman:** *<in the background>*honey...what's keeping you?
**Patient:** right away, snuggums! *<to the doctor*> Hello? C'mon, dude...hurry up already! Come over to...
**Doctor:** *<interrupts>* Whoa! Sorry, but I really can't get involved in this. I've got other patients to worry about.
**Patient:** screw the other patients. You've got to give me an erection right away!
**Doctor:** I'm afraid you'll have to consult a sexologist for that.
**Patient:** I already tried a sex line. It didn't work!
**Doctor:** a SEXOLOGIST! Someone who is professionally...someone who can help with these problems.
**Patient:** so...a special kind of doctor, you mean?
**Doctor:** …
**Doctor:** yes...a special kind of doctor, yes.
---
**Doctor:** …and there we are: a small spoon of nicroxide, solved in a glass of water, rinse with it, and the sore throat will be gone in a couple of days. :-)
**Patient:** a large of a small glass?
**Doctor:** the usual...standard size.
**Patient:** how large is that?
**Doctor:** erm…about 25 centiliter?
**Patient:** *<thinks>* how much is that?
**Doctor:** it's just...average. You do have glasses in your house, right?
**Patient:** I dunno. Perhaps. Is a cup also fine?
**Doctor:** *<sigh>* yes, a cup is also fine. I don't care. As long as it's…
**Patient:** *<interrupts>* YOU DON'T CARE?! And what if I use too much water? Or not enough? It'll be a catastropheuche, uche, uche!
**Patient:** *<gasping for air>* there...look at that! Isn't this TERRIBLE! This has to CURE, RIGHT?!
**Doctor:** would you please remain calm? It's better for your health.
**Patient:** and would you PLEASE not come up with that university mumbo jumbo and just tell me how much water I've gotta use?
**Doctor:** I just told you: the average quantities in an average glass. Or cup. Or whatever.
**Patient:** with or without handle?
**Doctor:** excuse me?
**Patient:** the cup...I only have cups with a handle. Is that okay, or should I buy another one?
*<fifteen minutes pass>*
**Patient:** ooooh! NOW I get it. Why didn't you say so from the START!
**Doctor:** *<exhausted>* yes…
**Patient:** *<leaves the office>*
**Doctor:** *<sighs loudly, puts on a forced smile>* next, please! :-)
**Patient 2:** say...why does it always takes so long before it's my turn around here?
Modern society is a funny thing. Technology advances rapidly, as is our dependance upon it. On the other hand, we – or most among us – shun knowing about it. “It just has to work” is the general idea. And that “has” tends to become personal. Because not being able to work or reachable to others means to be crippled and helpless.
I'm a ICT-support guy by profession. And lemme tell you: “crippled and helpless” is by far over exaggerated. Everyone seems to assume that any kind of technological issue is a piece of cake to “the IT-nerd”. There are people – usually bigshots in the company – who buy a smartphone, start messing around with it until they manage to break something and then toss it our way with a vague description (“it doesn't work”). On pretty much a daily basis.
It's also normal for me to be called a specialist in everything from phones, printers, PC's, tablets to the most exclusive software ever. It's less fun than it sounds: deadlines are usually yesterday, manuals were thrown away and the client is breathing in your neck asking questions like “why doesn't it work?” every five seconds.
So I started wondering...what if doctors had to work like we do?
The answer would be as follows...
---
**Patient:** *<walks straight into the office>* Ey, dude...how 'r things? Say, I've got me a question. My sis has some issues lately...you know, if you've got the time...
**Doctor:** erm...what kind of issues?
**Patient:** I dunno. Something of 'er stomach or something. Or her lungs. You'know...something. Any idea what it could be?
**Doctor:** Where's she now?
**Patient:** busy on something. But if you could spare some time, go check her out, will ya?
---
**Patient:** ow, man…I've got this pain lately.
**Doctor:** pain? What kind of pain?
**Patient:** y'know…pain. Just: pain. Like...yeah...
**Doctor:** Stomach ache?
**Patient:** yeah...possibly.
**Doctor:** *<starts investigating>*
*about 15 minutes later*
**Doctor:** well...it looks kinda normal...
**Patient:** erm…can I interrupt? That's not the right spot. It's over *here* that it hurts.
**Doctor:** …that's not your stomach. That's your knee.
**Patient:** stomach...knee...all the same. I'm no biologist.
---
**Doctor:** so...what's the problem? :-)
**Patient:** yeah, I've combined me some metrochloradyne with agelbagorp and antichlimidagel.
**Doctor:** Interesting…
**Patient:** …and it didn't work.
**Doctor:** what didn't?
**Patient:** that stuff. It was supposed to be a giving me a boost, but it didn't.
**Doctor:** ah…and you're here because...?
**Patient:** you've got to find out why not!
**Doctor:** erm…and how am I supposed to do that? I've never heard of those products.
**Patient:** what? Never? But you're the specialist?!
**Doctor:** I'm a doctor. But that doesn't mean I know all the products by the pharmaceutical industry. At the very least, I'm not a specialist. Who advised you them?
**Patient:** don't it work?
**Doctor:** how should I know? I just told you I've never heard of 'em!
**Patient:** pfff…some specialist you are...
---
**Doctor:** ouch...this looks serious. I'm afraid you'll have to stay at home for at least a week.
**Patient:** what!? But I've got an important presentation in an hour! I've got to be there in an hour!
**Doctor:** You've broken your leg...
**Patient:** indeed! And it has to be unbroken. Right NOW! It's URGENT!
---
**Patient:** *<pondering>* man...I feel...I feel... *<suddenly hit by a streak of enormous technological insight>* sick! Do you know how to cure sickishness?
**Doctor:** have you eaten anything wrong lately?
**Patient:** *<avoidant>* maybe…
**Doctor:** *<checks purchases at pharmacies>* I see you've bought a great number of medicine without prescriptions lately…
**Patient:** yeah, it was just to try it out. It went okay until it went worse.
**Doctor:** why did you buy all that? Who needs three different pills against headaches?
**Patient:** it's just...my buddy has medicine for a hobby, and he had found a nice cocktail on the internet, and...youknow...
**Doctor:** you just took everything at the same time?
**Patient:** yeah, pretty much...y'think that may have something to do with it?
---
**Doctor:** ah…mr. Smith. How are you? Any progress? :-)
**Patient:** oh, shaddap! It's still the same!
**Doctor:** they couldn't help you in the hospital?
**Patient:** no...or rather: I didn't want it. They wanted to do an “operation”-thing, and it would've cost me a fortune.
**Doctor:** well...from what I diagnosed, it was pretty severe...
**Patient:** …and that's why I'm coming to you to get it fixed.
**Doctor:** …
**Doctor:** I've transferred you to them because I couldn't help you. I have neither the experience, knowledge or the equipment!
**Patient:** but I don't trust those guys! You have to do it!
---
**Patient:** got me a question…
**Doctor:** yes?
**Patient:** *<puts box of pills on the table>* I wonder...can ya help me with this?
**Doctor:** *<reads box>* what do you want to know?
**Patient:** how d' ya use them things?
**Doctor:** erm...orally?
**Patient:** say what?
**Doctor:** they have to be swallowed.
**Patient:** dude! That's not what I meant! I ain't no retard. But what do they DO!?
**Doctor:** have you read the package leaflet?
**Patient:** no...'t was too many words. I just wanna know what they DO.
**Doctor:** well...you can trust your girlfriend knows what to do with them. :-)
**Patient:** huh? Girlfriend?
**Doctor:** these are anti conception pills.
**Patient:** wow, dude! Spare me the technical crap! I'm not a freaking fama...pharam…specialist!
**Doctor:** …
**Doctor:** thsese are pills your girlfriend has to take on regular basis in order to avoid unwanted pregnancies.
**Patient:** but I ain't got no girlfriend!
**Doctor:** then why did you bought them?
**Patient:** they were 10% off in advertisement!
**Doctor:** that's...possible...
**Patient:** and what if I wanted to avoid pregnancies? Can't I use them then?
**Doctor:** excuse me?
**Patient:** if I take those pills...will it prevent the girl I'm with from becoming pregnant?
**Doctor:** I'm afraid it doesn't work that way. You see, these pills are made so her ovaries...
**Doctor:** *<takes a brief look at the patient who clearly has NO IDEA what that is>*
**Doctor:** …lemme just say that these pills don't work that way.
**Patient:** but what am I supposed to do with it?
**Doctor:** I dunno...?
**Patient:** I want my money back! This is a rip of!
**Doctor:** I...can't really disagree on that. But would you please leave my office so I can do some work?
**Patient:** eh? Oh...sure. Sorry. But man...c'mon! What kind of false advertisement is that? They don't even say what kind of pill it is. They just dub it “The pill”. How retarded is that?
*( translator's note: in Dutch, “de pil” both means regular pills and anti conception pills. As such, the article 'de' (=the) is pretty important. It's very known, though. However, I have no idea if a literal translation makes any sense )*
---
*translator's note: this one obviously doesn't apply everywhere*
**Patient:** *<storms in>* yo, dude...I've heard ya can prescribe me some grass...
**Doctor:** that's...possible, yes.
**Patient:** cool. Can you proscribe me some?
**Doctor:** that depends on what's bothering you...
**Patient:** the pharmacist is bothering me! Some administrative thing. Can't you just proscribe him so it's alright and by the books and stuff?
**Doctor:** not without specific complaints, I'm afraid.
**Patient:** what do you mean? You proscribed it to Joe, didn't cha?
**Doctor:** I'm afraid I can't just speak about the conditions of others...
**Patient:** why not? *<hostile>* You're just describing it to your FRIENDS, you mean?
**Doctor:** *<biting teeth>* as a docter, I'm bound by the Hippocratic oath, which states...
**Patient:** So it ain't allowed?
**Doctor:** no…it ain't.
**Patient:** hmm…ok. I'll get it. Don't want cha doing nothing illegal. But do you happen to know a place or someone that could hook me up?
---
**Patient:** yo, Philip…check this out, man! *<rolls up sleeve>*
**Doctor:** ouch...that arms looks pretty bad. What happened?
**Patient:** yeah, one of those things fell on it. Y'know...them “fluid”.
**Doctor:** What kind of fluid?
**Patient:** I dunno exactly. You know...Reeks pretty sharp…
**Doctor:** methylated spirit?
**Patient:** What's that? But yeah...it could be…
**Doctor:** what were you using it for?
**Patient:** for cleaning...or perhaps painting. Or repairs. I dun't remember. Does it matter? Just fix it already!
**Doctor:** the jar containing the fluid...where there markings on it?
**Patient:** markings?
**Doctor:** orange background, furthermore black...either a skull... or an explosion...doesn't ring a bell?
**Patient:** oh, yeah, THAT! Well...no idea. It's not impossible. Was it on the bottle?
**Doctor:** I'm asking YOU! I can't say which kind of wound this is!
**Patient:** who cares? Just prescribe something already! It's itching!
**Doctor:** that could make things worse!
**Patient:** and ya REALLY can't say what this is?
**Doctor:** I'm a family doctor…no skin specialist!
**Patient:** since when are there different kinds of doctors?
---
**Patient:** good morning...my boss asked me to drop by on his behalf. He has a problem.
**Doctor:** sure...what kind of problem?
**Patient:** he asked me to come by for it.
**Doctor:** yes...but what's wrong with him?
**Patient:** well, if he knew that he wouldn't need you, wouldn't he?
**Doctor:** I mean...is he in pain?
**Patient:** I don't know...he didn't mention it.
**Doctor:** what DID he mention?
**Patient:** to come see you. Is all this really important?
**Doctor:** …
**Doctor:** can I call him?
**Patient:** that'll be hard: he's in an important meeting and unavailable for comment.
**Doctor:** well...then I'm afraid I can't help him.
**Patient:** what? Why not?
---
**Patient:** hello. I'm afraid I still have trouble with my back.
**Doctor:** ok…is this your second visit?
**Patient:** yes...well...the second time I'm seeing someone for it. Your colleague advised me to lie down in hot sea sand for an hour a day.
**Doctor:** erm...that sounds kinda...
**Patient:** *<interrupts>* …but I didn't have sea sand so I took some from a random heap of sand and mixed in some salt. That's okay, isn't it?
**Doctor:** erm…
**Patient:** then I warmed it all in the microwave oven. That okay?
**Doctor:** I...have never heard of that treatment. Who advised you exactly?
**Patient:** a buddy of mine. But he's into spiritual healing. And because the mind is connected to the back...
**Doctor:** why do you come to see me?
**Patient:** I need to know the correct temperature of the sand. Oh, and is it better to lie still, or roll around a bit now and then to make it settle in?
**Doctor:** I think you'll better ask that question to your “buddy”.
**Patient:** impossible...his back aches!
**Doctor:** …
---
**Patient:** *<storms in, fetches a handful of medicine out of his pocket and knocks it on the table>* That stuff you prescribed two weeks ago STINKS! Those calming pills don't work AT ALL!!
**Doctor:** *<starts to look up the situation in his computer>*
**Patient:** *<yelling in the doctor's ear in the mean time>* gotta admit it worked for SOME time. But only TEMPORARY! And then I got a STOMACH ACHE! And that got WORSE!
**Doctor:** did you try to relax during the week?
**Patient:** *<annoyed>* OF COURSE!
**Doctor:** ...and you avoided all forms of stress?
**Patient:** *<avoidand>* yes. Well...kind of. Just the bare minimum.
**Doctor:** you went to work?
**Patient:** no. Well...all right, I WAS calles...and perhaps a tele conference once or twice. And of course the major decision that had to be made. But a couple hours a day can't hurt, can it?
**Doctor:** I'd told you to avoid ALL forms of stress?
**Patient:** *<bursts out>* man! I just happen to be the senior vice executive manager of intraglobal services! I can't risk the future of my company just because your damn pills don't work?!
**Doctor:** erm…
**Patient:** I need stronger pills!
**Doctor:** I already provided you with the strongest kind!
**Patient:** then I'll up the dose!
**Doctor:** I really have to advice against it.
**Patient:** I don't give a damn!
**Doctor:** have you read the leaflet about the possible consequences of...?
**Patient:** READ? I DON'T READ! I'VE GOT A SECRETARY FOR THAT!
---
**Patient:** I've got a problem…
**Doctor:** yes...? :-) *<gets ready to take notes>*
**Patient:** can I get something for it?
**Doctor:** it depends on what kind of problem you're having?
**Patient:** pfff…I don't know. You're the doc.
**Doctor:** what's the issue?
**Patient:** well…stuff. Ya know...sometimes I don't feel so well.
**Doctor:** in what way?
**Patient:** just...not well.
**Doctor:** sick? Stomach ache?
**Patient:** *<looks not-understanding>* could be…
**Doctor:** are you in pain?
**Patient:** sometimes…it happens…
**Doctor:** where on your body?
**Patient:** no idea...
**Doctor:** erm…is there something else you can tell me?
**Patient:** no, I don't think so. Can't you just prescribe me something?
**Doctor:** Hmm...ok *<prescribes placebo>*
**Doctor:** here you go. If you take this three times a day during a week, everything'll be much better.
**Patient:** thanks a lot, doc!
---
**Patient:** *<with grating voice>*…got a question…
**Doctor:** fire ahead. :-)
**Patient:** busy cleaning toilet cabinet...stumbled upon these…*<puts a tupperware box of differently shaped and colored pills on the table>*…what are these?
**Doctor:** I have absolutely no idea. Where's their original package?
**Patient:** …thrown away…to save space. Why?
**Doctor:** Then how do you know which pills you should take for what?
**Patient:** that's why I am here! *<coughs>* Pharmacist…said that if soare throat returned…I had to take pills again.
**Doctor:** which ones?
**Patient:** don't remember…complex name. Just say which ones…talking takes me effort.
**Doctor:** I'm afraid there's no way to tell. Sorry, but you'll have to get rid of these.
**Patient:** *<shocked>* Why? I paid for them! *<cough, cough>*
**Doctor:** …but you can't say which pills cure what. It could be very dangerous for your health to just take pills when you don't know…
**Patient:** *<waves away explanation>* I get it…exploration. You want me to pay more. For…shame! *<cough, cough>*
**Doctor:** ...but if you just kept the pills in their original box, then…
**Patient:** *<takes box of pills and leaves the office in the middle of the explanation>*
---
**Patient:** doc...take a look at this! *<puts box of pills on the table>*
**Doctor:** *<frightened>* …and you want to know what they do?
**Patient:** no, man! These are pills against diarrhea.
**Doctor:** *<somewhat comforted>* ok…so what about them?
**Patient:** It's just...I was wondering if you'd be willing to prescribe them to others.
**Doctor:** okay, so...what are they called, exactly?
**Patient:** they don't have a name yet. But they've helped me a lot.
**Doctor:** what do you mean, “no name”?
**Patient:** my cousin cooked them up. And though it'll give a bit of gas, it really helps get rid of diarrhea.
**Doctor:** is your cousin a certified investigator to pharmaceuticals?
**Patient:** nah…but he *is* interested in chemistry! He once made us a something with which we could clean our kitchen sink! He's a genius with that! He can make anything!
**Doctor:** so you want me to prescribe illegal pharmaceutics?
**Patient:** why would it be illegal?
**Doctor:** because he's not a certified investigator. Because there could be any number of unknown consequences. Because this thing is pretty much untested. Because...never mind. Let's just say I'm not going to do it.
**Patient:** Pfff…aren't you dull.
---
**doorbell:** trrrring!!!
**Patient:** hello? Yes...cub on im...it's on the thirb fwoor.
**Doctor:** *<comes in, does the investigation>*
**Doctor:** okay...You've got a tough case of hay fever. It's pretty normal in these period of the year. It'll pass.
**Patient:** so I'b better stay hobe...home?
**Doctor:** no need. It's pretty safe to work. I'd just avoid parks and flowerbeds for the time being.
**Patient:** what? But you canb be serious!? Just...look at thibs hanperchief! Look! *<waves mucous handkerchief pretty much in the docter's face>*
**Doctor:** *<avoiding>* I believe you on your word, but honestly: it's not that bad. In fact: it's much more unhealthy to just stay indoors.
**Patient:** impossibbe! I am ILL! I hab to be in BED! And SLEEP!
**Doctor:** *<wonders how that'll help against hay fever>* erm…I can only give you my opinion. I can't really force you what to do.
**Patient:** but my job...
**Doctor:** ...is YOUR concern. I'm sorry, but I'm not going to lie to them because you want to stay at home.
**Patient:** fine, fine. I'll tell 'em. Oh, but doc...befobe you go...would you aeba...aerate the carpets?
**Doctor:** areate the carpets?
**Patient:** yeb. I am ill. And since you abe here...
**Doctor:** what does that have to do with me?
**Patient:** you abe concerbed about my health? It would ventilate the indoob air.
**Doctor:** why yes, but...that's not MY job?
**Patient:** why not?
---
**Patient:** *<excited>* dude! Ya gatta come immediately!
**Doctor:** *<starts packing>* What's going on?
**Patient:** flat tire on a bus nearby! It looks pretty bad!
**Doctor:** warn the hospital! *<hurries out the door>*
*<an hour later>*
**Doctor:** *<looks up from an enormous line of injuries and wounded people; notices the first patient>* Say...what's keeping the ambulance?
**Patient:** what? You seem to be doing okay, don't you?
**Doctor:** I'm busy with CPR! Haven't I told you to warn the hospital?
**Patient:** yeah, well...but I didn't really knew what to say when they asked for the address, and you were busy, and since you seemed to have a good handle on the situation...
**Doctor:** …you simply decided to stand around waiting until I got time for this?
**Patient:** wow, dude...you sound stressed. Take it easy. Sure, it's a lot of work, but that's your job, isn't it?
**Doctor:** there are people here with concussions and broken legs!
**Patient:** …and? Is that something serious?
---
**Doctor:** okay...and “that feeling” in your fingers...would that be more dull or more a tingling sensation?
**Patient:** fuck, dude! Lay of the technical terms, okay? I ain't no surgeon!
---
**Patient 2: ** yo, Greg…how are ya? :-)
**Doctor:** *quickly covers patient 1's nude upper bodyf* not now! And knock before you enter! And it's Martin...Greg's my colleague.
Patient 2: oops…sorry. Didn't mean to intrude. But anyway...could you take a look at this?
**Doctor:** can't you see I'm busy with someone already?
**Patient2:** sure, sure. I don't mean to rush you. It's just...I'm here...and it'll only take a few minutes...so...look...*<pushes pet in the face of the doctor>*
**Doctor:** …that's a dog.
**Patient2:** …and she's been doing pretty weird lately. She doesn't eat her usual dish, she...
**Doctor:** sorry, but you'll have to go to a veterinarian with her.
**Patient2:** *<indignant because of the interruption>* why?
**Doctor:** because I don't treat animals.
**Patient2:** *<on a tone of “jezus, what a lazy arsehole”>* and why not?
**Doctor:** animals and humans are totally different from one another!
**Patient2:** are they really? Okay, okay, I'll drop by one. What do I tell 'em?
**Doctor:** erm...the problem?
**Patient2:** ah…I see. And what if that “veterinarian” cannot fix it?
**Doctor:** …I don't know? Do you mind me working, please?
**Patient2:** sure, sure...not a problem.
---
**Patient:** I think I've done a wrong...
**Doctor:** spit it out. :-)
**Patient:** *<spits>*
**Doctor:** not...literally.
**Patient:** oh...okay. Well, I had some issues with my back, and google told me it could be haemorrhoids.
**Doctor:** well, we'll check...
**Patient:** so I immediately bought some products, but those caused my joints to hurt.
**Doctor:** what kinds of products?
**Patient:** something google advised. Anyway: I proceeded to purchase some ointments against bad joints, but it caused a rash.
**Doctor:** *<In doubt>* I see…
**Patient:** so I got me some pills against that, but that caused issues with my bladder. And it didn't help.
**Doctor:** so you're here to...?
**Patient:** …to prescribe me a better medicine. One that cures haemorrhoids, bad joints, a rash and my bladder.
**Doctor:** you could start by stop taking all those other medicines...
**Patient:** WHAT?! Man! Those things cost me a lot of money, so I WILL continue using them. And I'm busy, so it has to be fixed NOW! But if you want me to stop...here... *<puts a box of pills on the table>* Take it! Just gimme back my money!
**Doctor:** …erm…I think you better go to the pharmacist for that.
**Patient:** I did. They didn't want to get involved. So it's up to you to fix this mess!
---
*<in the middle of the night>*
**Phone:** triiinnggggggg!!!
**Doctor:** *<sleepy>* hullo?
**Patient:** yeah, hi...I cut myself. Could you come over to fix me up?
**Doctor:** cut yourself? How? How bad, I mean?
**Patient:** well...my finger bleeds...sorta...
**Doctor:** *<annoyed>* can't you go to emergencies?
**Patient:** I can't go out like this!?
**Doctor:** an ambulance?
**Patient:** man…you don't know what they charge? All it needs is a bandaid!
**Doctor:** then why are you calling?
**Patient:** I don't wanna do it myself. I'm too scared I might screw up.
---
**Patient:** so...have you found anything for that “cancer” thing yet? :-)
**Doctor:** didn't I transfer you to a specialized hospital for that?
**Patient:** why yes indeed! But they couldn't help out. So I dropped by to see if you happened to know a solution.
**Doctor:** …do I happen to have found a solution against cancer? Just like that? On my own? In ...two weeks time?
**Patient:** yes! I thought...you never know...:-)
**Doctor:** but I don't have time for that! I'm busy with clients all day long!
**Patient:** and between hours? Surely a geek like you is able to come up with something?
**Doctor:** What? When did I ever made such a ludicrous claim?
**Patient:** okay, not literally, but I thought...you did that “diagnose” thing about it, so...
**Doctor:** I'm afraid I can't help you with this...
**Patient:** c'mon, doc. It's my life we're talking about here. Won't you agree this is something IMPORTANT?
---
**Phone:** trrrriiinnngggg!
**Doctor:** hello?
**Patient:** 'morning. 'am a bit ill.
**Doctor:** that's too bad to hear. Shall I transfer you my secretary to book an appointment?
**Patient:** no can do...I've got a job to do.
**Doctor:** so it's not that bad?
**Patient:** how am I supposed to know? You're the doctor! Can't ya tell me what's wrong?
**Doctor:** how do you mean...by telephone?
**Patient:** yeah...I'm sometimes a bit dizzy and I sometimes cough. *<coughs to demonstrate>*
**Doctor:** I…am afraid I can't really make a good diagnose this way.
**Patient:** …
**Patient:** whatever. I'll see how I'll solve things myself. *<hangs up the phone>*
---
**Patient:** doc! It's terrible! This cure against intestine jam gives me a headache!
**Doctor:** *<reads leaflet of the medicine>* that's...one of the possible side effects, yes.
**Patient:** why didn't you say so!? You should have prescribed me something for it! I came here to get BETTER! Not to switch diseases!
**Doctor:** it wasn't said these effects would surface. In fact, they only happen in...
**Patient:** why didn't you say that? It's your product, right?
**Doctor:** no, not at all! I just prescribe it in case of...
**Patient:** oh…well...in any case: you'll have to solve this. I need pills against headache.
**Doctor:** sure, sure…
**Patient:** and I'm not paying for it! This is a damn rip off!
**Doctor:** *<sigh>*…then I'm afraid you'll have to take contact with the pharmaceutical company.
**Patient:** 'scuse me? What do I have to do with them?
**Doctor:** unlike me, it actually IS their product. I can't really test all their pills so I can only assume that they work. If not, it's certainly not my responsibility to take the blame.
**Patient:** well, if you put it like that...so if I want to file a complaint, how do I do that?
**Doctor:** I don't know...write them a letter? Search on their website? Hire an attorney? I really wouldn't know…
**Patient:** *<takes notes>* Interesting…It's always good to get some professional advise. I'll let you know about the result.
**Doctor:** what do I have to do with it?
**Patient:** in case they come up with complex terms like “side effects”. I'm just a normal guy. I can't follow all that medicine thing. And I'll need your help.
**Doctor:** that's...not my job?
**Patient:** c'mon, don't be shy. You knew this shit gives you a “headache”, right?
**Doctor:** I'm just reading it from this leaflet...
**Patient:** wow, wow, wow…hold the technical stuff! In fact...it's better if you call these guys and make them improve their pills.
**Doctor:** but...
**Patient:** I'll drop by again in a week to check if there's any progress!
---
**Phone:** trrrriiinggg
**Doctor:** doctor Philips speaking. :-)
**Representative:** good morning...my name's Morgan Kinch from the board of doctors. We received a complaint about you from a certain mister Biggs. Does the name mean anything to you?
**Doctor:** Biggs...I've got multiple clients...is this about Samuel Biggs?
**Representative:** yes...apparently, you didn't want to help him.
**Doctor:** excuse me?
**Representative:** that's the complaint as we've received it.
**Doctor:** mister Biggs comes here just about every week with the same symptoms that have to do with old age. The things I've described thus far have no effect. I asked him to see a specialist, but he always refused on base that they are “whippersnappers”.
**Representative:** so you confirm that you refuse to help him?
**Doctor:** haven't you read his file? I've made multiple diagnoses and prescribed just about anything. It's not my fault if there isn't anything on the market that can help him?
**Representative:** mister Biggs claims you've been withholding all the good medicine…
**Doctor:** …
**Doctor:** I'll leave that to the opinion of mister Biggs.
**Representative:** you weren't exactly customer friendly…
**Doctor:** he almost grabbed me by my doctor's coach. What do you expect?
**Representative:** *<soothing>* I understand...you're making long days, your clients aren't always as friendly and it sometimes happens that you're losing your professionalism. But mister Biggs leads a large company. I can't stress enough the importance of him being helped in the best way possible.
**Doctor:** …how does that change the fact that I've tried everything humanly possible?
**Representative:** in this particular situation, I've asked mister Bigs to consult another doctor. But for future references, I will expect a better customer friendliness towards your clients.
---
Phone: *<triiinngg>*
**Patient:** good afternoon, doc. I'm just calling to ask if I'm recovering from my illness.
---
**Patient:** yo, dude...write my daughter five tablets of peryoxidantose a day, will ya? :-)
**Doctor:** erm...and where is your daughter exactly?
**Patient:** she's ill at home in bed, obviously. What did you think?
**Doctor:** but I can't make a diagnose without here being here, can I?
**Patient:** no need, no need. She has the same thing as my cousin. Not feeling well and barely any appetite. Exactly as my poor cousin used to have.
**Doctor:** you mean your cousin infected your daughter?
**Patient:** *<hostile look in eyes>* And what exactly are you suggesting?
**Doctor:** I mean...you think your daughter caught the disease from him? By being around him?
**Patient:** you can catch a disease that way? Oh...well...it's possible, I guess. I mean...you're the expert, right?
**Doctor:** what kind of disease is your cousin having, actually?
**Patient:** I forgot. Something complex. It was been a year or so. But I'm certain of the name of the pills. I don't want to take a risk with my daughter's health!
---
**Doctor:** *<on home visit, to the mother of the patient>* Here you are: just get these at the pharmacist and your son'll be fine in three or four days. :-)
**Mother:** Thank you. Oh, and...while you're here...can I bother you with something else?
**Doctor:** sure...what's up?
**Mother:** well, I sometimes got this pain in my lower back. And an itch between my toes. And a strained neck from time to time. Also a foul taste in my mouth. Not now, but often enough. Do you have a cure for all of that?
**Doctor:** it's probably better to come by on consultation for that.
Mother: can't you do it now?
**Doctor:** I have to go to my next house call...
**Mother:** *<shrugs>* meh...those'll wait their turn.
---
**Patient:** say…I've got this tooth ache, lately. You see this tooth? Iw kinwa huws if I pwess on iw.
**Doctor:** …have you seen a dentist about it?
**Patient:** a what?
**Doctor:** a dentist. To have your tooth checked into.
**Patient:** there are different kinds of doctors? Wow! Since when? And where do I find one?
**Doctor:** in the phone book. Or wait...you're from around? I can advise doctor Johnson. He's a street ahead, on 43rd street.
**Patient:** I see...and what do I tell him?
**Doctor:** the same thing. He knows more about it than I do.
**Patient:** *<sceptic>* yes...but if not, I'm returning to you, y'hear?
---
**Patient:** hi dude. What's up? :-)
**Doctor:** I'm fine...how are you?
**Patient:** fine, man. Absolutely marvelous. I just got a question...what do I have to do to get the same prescription as Jim?
**Doctor:** erm…having the same symptoms?
**Patient:** *<nods in enthusiasm>* yep...I've got me those. :-)
**Doctor:** so what is it exactly that's bothering you?
**Patient:** I've got those same sin-tomes Jim has.
**Doctor:** *<sceptical>*…and what's bothering you YOURSELF?
**Patient:** *<thinks for a moment>* heart palpitations, no energy, foul mood. No, wait: tired mood. Yes...I'm VERY tired, doc. :-)
**Doctor:** *<nods>* can I check you out for a second?
**Patient:** hmm…I'd rather don't. It's...I don't want you to catch it, y'know. And since I've got the same sin-tomes as Jime...
**Doctor:** I'm afraid I can't write out things without a diagnose.
**Patient:** no problem! Just make the diagnose. There's no need to check things out, right?
---
**Phone:** Trrrriiiinggg!!
**Doctor:** hello?
**Patient:** dude...you've got to come IMMEDIATELY!
**Doctor:** *<alarmed>* what's going on?
**Patient:** I can't get an erection!
**Doctor:** *<relaxes>* ok...well...you can come on consultation for that.
**Patient:** ya don't understand. I need an erection NOW! I'll pay for it!
**Woman:** *<in the background>*honey...what's keeping you?
**Patient:** right away, snuggums! *<to the doctor*> Hello? C'mon, dude...hurry up already! Come over to...
**Doctor:** *<interrupts>* Whoa! Sorry, but I really can't get involved in this. I've got other patients to worry about.
**Patient:** screw the other patients. You've got to give me an erection right away!
**Doctor:** I'm afraid you'll have to consult a sexologist for that.
**Patient:** I already tried a sex line. It didn't work!
**Doctor:** a SEXOLOGIST! Someone who is professionally...someone who can help with these problems.
**Patient:** so...a special kind of doctor, you mean?
**Doctor:** …
**Doctor:** yes...a special kind of doctor, yes.
---
**Doctor:** …and there we are: a small spoon of nicroxide, solved in a glass of water, rinse with it, and the sore throat will be gone in a couple of days. :-)
**Patient:** a large of a small glass?
**Doctor:** the usual...standard size.
**Patient:** how large is that?
**Doctor:** erm…about 25 centiliter?
**Patient:** *<thinks>* how much is that?
**Doctor:** it's just...average. You do have glasses in your house, right?
**Patient:** I dunno. Perhaps. Is a cup also fine?
**Doctor:** *<sigh>* yes, a cup is also fine. I don't care. As long as it's…
**Patient:** *<interrupts>* YOU DON'T CARE?! And what if I use too much water? Or not enough? It'll be a catastropheuche, uche, uche!
**Patient:** *<gasping for air>* there...look at that! Isn't this TERRIBLE! This has to CURE, RIGHT?!
**Doctor:** would you please remain calm? It's better for your health.
**Patient:** and would you PLEASE not come up with that university mumbo jumbo and just tell me how much water I've gotta use?
**Doctor:** I just told you: the average quantities in an average glass. Or cup. Or whatever.
**Patient:** with or without handle?
**Doctor:** excuse me?
**Patient:** the cup...I only have cups with a handle. Is that okay, or should I buy another one?
*<fifteen minutes pass>*
**Patient:** ooooh! NOW I get it. Why didn't you say so from the START!
**Doctor:** *<exhausted>* yes…
**Patient:** *<leaves the office>*
**Doctor:** *<sighs loudly, puts on a forced smile>* next, please! :-)
**Patient 2:** say...why does it always takes so long before it's my turn around here?
Here is one that happened 15 minutes ago
Me: *turns on Windows XP computer that has 504MB of RAM*
*grandpa goes on it*
*gets yelled at for having a few files on it*
Grandpa: It was working fine til you got ahold of it.
Me: What the fuck do you expect for it having 504MB of RAM, it's not going to be like your laptop
Then he leaves my room
Me: *turns on Windows XP computer that has 504MB of RAM*
*grandpa goes on it*
*gets yelled at for having a few files on it*
Grandpa: It was working fine til you got ahold of it.
Me: What the fuck do you expect for it having 504MB of RAM, it's not going to be like your laptop
Then he leaves my room
um, dude? Those are all GOLD. Please post more.
Everyone else, please keep posting, i love this!
Yesterday, someone came to me with a "broken wifi" on his laptop. Not sure what was wrong: it connected fine in the wi-fi at work and on the external one we have for visitors. But at home, it kept hanging at 'connecting' (his home laptop and smartphone worked, so it's not that things were really broken on that side). Pretty hard to troubleshoot, as we aren't allowed to make home calls. After going over all the security and other settings, nothing really came up. While he remained nice the whole time, he did remark the following:
him: yeah...despite what people say, the internet is still instable.
me: (without missing a beat) ah...so you're actually glad that it doesn't work?
him: (suddenly taken aback) ...erm...yeah. In a sense, I am.
Yeah...television certainly doesn't make as much of an issue as the internet. Way to compare different technologies.
@BotzANATOR: erm...you mean those analogies? If so, these are pretty hard to do (most of the stories break the analogy because the professions are too different).
...
There was this one I saw in a movie where the doctor said something like "I can't help him: he's dead." and the other guy threatens him with a gun and says "fix him up nonetheless!". I've had that happen, yes (okay, the threatening wasn't THAT bad ).
him: yeah...despite what people say, the internet is still instable.
me: (without missing a beat) ah...so you're actually glad that it doesn't work?
him: (suddenly taken aback) ...erm...yeah. In a sense, I am.
Yeah...television certainly doesn't make as much of an issue as the internet. Way to compare different technologies.
@BotzANATOR: erm...you mean those analogies? If so, these are pretty hard to do (most of the stories break the analogy because the professions are too different).
...
There was this one I saw in a movie where the doctor said something like "I can't help him: he's dead." and the other guy threatens him with a gun and says "fix him up nonetheless!". I've had that happen, yes (okay, the threatening wasn't THAT bad
).
Similar threads
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Psionic Roshambo:
Some sort of police thing going on near me lol "Get out of the car with your hands up and walk backwards towards us" over a loud speaker thing -
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Julie_Pilgrim:
@Psionic Roshambo i have 16 gb in my pc and i run into issues with ram more than i'd like to admit -
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Sonic Angel Knight:
Or, I also heard that if you use flash memory, it can act as more "RAM" at least windows tell me when I stick a flash drive into it. -
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