This has been a very long year for me. More has happened than I could have ever prepared for. Normally I would pepper my year with a few small blog posts here and there but this year was not so forgiving. What little free time I had I had become occupied with living my life, having new experiences, learning new skills, and reconnecting with life. There’s more that happened this year than in many years of my life, much of which has left me with rather complicated feelings. I guess I will pick up from where I was last year during this time and work from there. This is going to be walls of text, so be prepared for the long haul, Maybe brew up some tea or something to get comfortable as you read this.
Enki the True Trap
Miko Art by my lovely wife, @FatalAryia
Autumn
Last year at this time I quit my job at a gas station after working there for less than a month. The job was so stressful that it caused bleeding from a place where blood shouldn’t come out. So I was recommended to quit that job since it was terrible for my health. Something I did learn from working at the gas station is that I love to clean and would love to be paid to do just that. So I started working as a busser at a pizza restaurant that my wife already worked at as a delivery driver. Well, I was initially hired to work the phones but it turned out my horrible hearing caused the first and only night where I tried that to completely fail as I was unable to properly take any of the orders. I then tried being a host but that didn’t work out either, so they finally just decided I should start cleaning the place. That was going rather well on top of the fact that my lawsuit against my old employer was finally beginning to settle out in my favor.
By October, I had settled myself into my part-time job as a busser and eagerly awaiting for my lawsuit to finish up so I could start planning to see my family. By mid-October, I had actually won my lawsuit and was able to put money aside to see my family and start buying new equipment for content creation. Things were going pretty well until I got a call from my mom informing me that my grandmother didn’t have much time left. By the end of October, my wife and I started making plans to drive up to my home state of Massachusetts to see my family, more so my grandmother for her last Christmas. This started a very stressful time in my life as I was starting to shoulder the weight of everything around me. I still needed to work, I still had school work, and I needed to start figuring out what I needed to do with my money to invest in content creation.
November rolled around and I have to be real and say that it was a bit of a blur. Everything started to just blur together as I began putting my plans into action to see my family. I had rented a motel room, started budgeting the money needed to get there, and so much going on behind the scenes. I lost track of and interest in my workplace because I honestly didn’t care about a part-time job cleaning tables. But I did care about the fact that I was getting regularly sick from that job and that was starting to cut into my life. I began missing work due to the stress and illnesses I was struggling with, which wasn’t a big deal for the managers who knew my situation. Many of them were willing to overlook my absences as they knew I was under a lot of stress and that I had an immune disorder. But this didn’t last long as things in that restaurant started to change.
By October, I had settled myself into my part-time job as a busser and eagerly awaiting for my lawsuit to finish up so I could start planning to see my family. By mid-October, I had actually won my lawsuit and was able to put money aside to see my family and start buying new equipment for content creation. Things were going pretty well until I got a call from my mom informing me that my grandmother didn’t have much time left. By the end of October, my wife and I started making plans to drive up to my home state of Massachusetts to see my family, more so my grandmother for her last Christmas. This started a very stressful time in my life as I was starting to shoulder the weight of everything around me. I still needed to work, I still had school work, and I needed to start figuring out what I needed to do with my money to invest in content creation.
November rolled around and I have to be real and say that it was a bit of a blur. Everything started to just blur together as I began putting my plans into action to see my family. I had rented a motel room, started budgeting the money needed to get there, and so much going on behind the scenes. I lost track of and interest in my workplace because I honestly didn’t care about a part-time job cleaning tables. But I did care about the fact that I was getting regularly sick from that job and that was starting to cut into my life. I began missing work due to the stress and illnesses I was struggling with, which wasn’t a big deal for the managers who knew my situation. Many of them were willing to overlook my absences as they knew I was under a lot of stress and that I had an immune disorder. But this didn’t last long as things in that restaurant started to change.
Winter
December quickly came upon me and I was counting down the days to see my family again. I had everything ready for the trip and it became a waiting game. Although most of December was made up of waiting, the stress came more from the new managers at my job. Despite knowing much of my current life, the new managers started to take great offense to the fact that I was distracted, getting sick, or leaving due to stress. Keeping up with the holiday rush was legitimately taking a toll on my mental health and everyone around me could tell things were rough for me. Sadly, the new managers started finding every reason to write me up and complain about the work I was doing, despite every effort I put in to work with them. Eventually, it got to the point where things started to boil over as I began butting heads with the new management team. It became so obvious that they had something out for me that other employees began calling them out on their shit. It all came to a close in late December when one night I needed to leave because I had injured my eye at some point and couldn’t function due to the pain and lack of vision in my left eye. The managers literally brought me into the manager’s office and started chewing me out for needing to miss the night while I stood there crying from the pain. It was awful, I felt like complete shit for having a medical condition that they agreed to work with but then turned against me. The next day, I was asked to speak to the same managers who had been giving shit since November and they gave me an ultimatum. I was either going to write that I agreed to their bullshit or I would be fired. So I quit on the spot and walked out. I didn’t have time or energy to keep playing their petty game anymore. They spent the past month making me feel like complete shit for my medical condition and the stress I was planning the last visit to see my dying grandmother. I didn’t want to keep playing their games, I had a life to live. Only a few days later, my wife and I set out to Massachusetts to see my family.
On December 22nd, my wife and I met up with my online friend and spent the night at her apartment. We drove over 16 hours to see my family and we were finally in Massachusetts to accomplish that goal. On the 23rd, we got into our motel and went off to see my family for Christmas. I was left with a lot of complicated feelings seeing my grandmother clearly gone, yet still having some of her spark in her. My family was great though and loved my wife, It was a Christmas I don’t think I could even put words to. We stayed for a few hours before heading back to our motel where I finally crashed from 3 months of stress. I passed out at 6 PM and didn’t wake up until like 10 AM the next day. Months of stress, months of planning, and months of anxiety, finally paid off. I was able to visit my grandmother for her last Christmas. The rest of the trip turned into an adventure as we met up with my old friends and online friends who were in the area. We ventured to Vermont, Boston, and even New Hampshire to spend the night with my uncle and his husband. I was able to show her around the best parts and even worst parts of the town I grew up in, including places where I lived and hung out with my friends. My wife really got a feel for the life I used to live before moving across the country. We even spent more time with my family as she learned about my family history.
On New Year's Day, we made our way back home and tearfully wished my family a farewell. I cried most of the trip home after hugging my grandmother, knowing that would be the last time. After getting home, I really didn’t know what to do with my life from there. So I decided the best option was to make my last investment and commission a VTuber model for myself. As it turns out, it’s a terrible idea to request that on Twitter and I learned the hard way. I made one request and was instantly flooded with scammers. I won’t lie, I should have waited for my emotions to settle down before starting this endeavor as 3 days after getting home, my grandmother was in the hospital and it wasn’t looking very good. In my haste and stress, I made a regretful decision to settle on an “artist” who looked like they had amazing work but it wasn’t showing up on Google searches. I wasn’t thinking very clearly, I won’t lie. I just wanted to be distracted from reality and hoped to have my VTuber model ready. I spent most of the month waiting on an “artist” who kept giving vague replies and waiting on the news of my grandmother’s health, which was declining rapidly. Then at the end of the month, one piece of shit decided to mock my grandmother’s soon-to-be passing. I had also gotten the “concept art” for my VTuber model and it was beyond low quality and not what I was promised. I felt everything completely falling apart around me, it happened. My grandmother passed away on January 25th, 2023 in her sleep. I remember completely shutting down January had completely crushed my soul. I sent hundreds of dollars to a scammer, my stalker was harassing me over the death of my grandmother, and my grandmother who raised me since I was a child had just died. I have to be real, everything went red.
I suddenly found one of the scammer’s models had been reposted by the original seller and reached out to the seller to ask if the scammer worked for them. I got confirmation that they didn’t. I have to be honest and say that I completely tore into that scammer and got my money back before completely dragging them through the coals. Might have been a little harsh but the fucker knew what was going on and tried to keep up the scam by doing the old “My mom is really sick” shit. I got my money back after pretty much wholly chewing them out and threatening to get my back on them. I called the police (again) on my stalker. It really felt like things were about to go nowhere. After all the momentum I promised this year would have, shit was weighing down all at once. My wife however was adamant that she wanted this year to make some headway, and one night in a bout of frustration just asked “Why don’t you just use some free software until we can afford to not settle on a scammer?” That’s all it took for it to click as I finally threw my hands in the air and said, “FUCK IT! I AM MAKING OWN GODDAMN MODEL AND I DON’T CARE HOW I DO IT!” Which resulted in me spending hours researching making VTuber models and even looking into different alternative options. I eventually discovered the Reality app and made my first model. Miko Bootstraps, born out of a fiery rage and in a moment of absolute fury over January. I quickly went to work buying and learning about the software I needed and how to capture my phone’s screen, finally producing my first-ever VTuber trailer and stream! I couldn’t allow January to break me.
The first Miko design
Current Miko Design
On December 22nd, my wife and I met up with my online friend and spent the night at her apartment. We drove over 16 hours to see my family and we were finally in Massachusetts to accomplish that goal. On the 23rd, we got into our motel and went off to see my family for Christmas. I was left with a lot of complicated feelings seeing my grandmother clearly gone, yet still having some of her spark in her. My family was great though and loved my wife, It was a Christmas I don’t think I could even put words to. We stayed for a few hours before heading back to our motel where I finally crashed from 3 months of stress. I passed out at 6 PM and didn’t wake up until like 10 AM the next day. Months of stress, months of planning, and months of anxiety, finally paid off. I was able to visit my grandmother for her last Christmas. The rest of the trip turned into an adventure as we met up with my old friends and online friends who were in the area. We ventured to Vermont, Boston, and even New Hampshire to spend the night with my uncle and his husband. I was able to show her around the best parts and even worst parts of the town I grew up in, including places where I lived and hung out with my friends. My wife really got a feel for the life I used to live before moving across the country. We even spent more time with my family as she learned about my family history.
On New Year's Day, we made our way back home and tearfully wished my family a farewell. I cried most of the trip home after hugging my grandmother, knowing that would be the last time. After getting home, I really didn’t know what to do with my life from there. So I decided the best option was to make my last investment and commission a VTuber model for myself. As it turns out, it’s a terrible idea to request that on Twitter and I learned the hard way. I made one request and was instantly flooded with scammers. I won’t lie, I should have waited for my emotions to settle down before starting this endeavor as 3 days after getting home, my grandmother was in the hospital and it wasn’t looking very good. In my haste and stress, I made a regretful decision to settle on an “artist” who looked like they had amazing work but it wasn’t showing up on Google searches. I wasn’t thinking very clearly, I won’t lie. I just wanted to be distracted from reality and hoped to have my VTuber model ready. I spent most of the month waiting on an “artist” who kept giving vague replies and waiting on the news of my grandmother’s health, which was declining rapidly. Then at the end of the month, one piece of shit decided to mock my grandmother’s soon-to-be passing. I had also gotten the “concept art” for my VTuber model and it was beyond low quality and not what I was promised. I felt everything completely falling apart around me, it happened. My grandmother passed away on January 25th, 2023 in her sleep. I remember completely shutting down January had completely crushed my soul. I sent hundreds of dollars to a scammer, my stalker was harassing me over the death of my grandmother, and my grandmother who raised me since I was a child had just died. I have to be real, everything went red.
I suddenly found one of the scammer’s models had been reposted by the original seller and reached out to the seller to ask if the scammer worked for them. I got confirmation that they didn’t. I have to be honest and say that I completely tore into that scammer and got my money back before completely dragging them through the coals. Might have been a little harsh but the fucker knew what was going on and tried to keep up the scam by doing the old “My mom is really sick” shit. I got my money back after pretty much wholly chewing them out and threatening to get my back on them. I called the police (again) on my stalker. It really felt like things were about to go nowhere. After all the momentum I promised this year would have, shit was weighing down all at once. My wife however was adamant that she wanted this year to make some headway, and one night in a bout of frustration just asked “Why don’t you just use some free software until we can afford to not settle on a scammer?” That’s all it took for it to click as I finally threw my hands in the air and said, “FUCK IT! I AM MAKING OWN GODDAMN MODEL AND I DON’T CARE HOW I DO IT!” Which resulted in me spending hours researching making VTuber models and even looking into different alternative options. I eventually discovered the Reality app and made my first model. Miko Bootstraps, born out of a fiery rage and in a moment of absolute fury over January. I quickly went to work buying and learning about the software I needed and how to capture my phone’s screen, finally producing my first-ever VTuber trailer and stream! I couldn’t allow January to break me.
The first Miko design
Current Miko Design
Spring and Summer
Several months continued to go by as I slowly started to produce more content and figure myself out in this new life I was creating. I won’t deny that much of that time was spent slipping and getting myself back up over and over again. It was hard to not let myself completely fall apart after everything that happened in January. I continued to struggle with depression and attempted to get myself back on my feet. I also struggled with creating content as it turned out to be more of an undertaking than I thought it would be. But I’ve continued to gradually put out content and keep up with my streaming when I can. My wife and I also took time to do some personal growth as we did more small adventures, including camping in Tennessee and adventuring a bit in the northern part of the state. Did you all know that you can get free moonshine samples in Gatlinburg? I didn’t! It was such a fun way to spend the day venturing around the city! Also saw the Pippa Pipkins billboard and got a picture of that, so that was fun! It was an amazing experience. Really started to enjoy life these past few months as my wife and I began spending more time outside adventuring. I have also found a new job as a custodian and I actually quite like the job as I work alone and no one really bothers me. Sadly I was informed on June 22nd that Grandmother’s brother, my great uncle who was a large part of my childhood, had passed away due to heart failure. I had then learned that my cousin, who although I wasn’t too close to, had passed due to drug withdrawal. It was a rather rough blow, especially since my cousin died from painkiller withdrawal, something that nearly took me in the past. Coupled with the fact that my wife had lost her job due to the pizza place going full stupid and laying off all of their drivers for 3rd party apps like Uber Eats. July was a rather hard month to make it through having a lot of the year weighing on my shoulders.
August rolled around and things finally cracked. On the night of my birthday, I ended up having a severe dissociative episode where I completely blacked out and barged into my roommate’s room and started ranting about my abusive life. It required both my roommate and wife to restrain and talk me down. I don’t remember much beyond some buried parts before waking up in the shower with my Glaceon plushie, Potato, on my lap. That was an extreme low in my life but at the same time, I learned that I couldn’t keep bottling shit up because it was going to come out eventually and apparently in a very fucked up way if I keep ignoring it. Despite the night going wrong, I had my wife actually up before me for once adamantly insisting I still spent the day kayaking with her and my father-in-law. We made the best out of the day and spent much of the day talking about everything that was going through my mind and what I had revealed in my episode. There was a lot to it that I am not going to get into but there was a very weirdly specific detail about how I prefer to identify as a “trap” over “femboy,” because I think trap captures a very specific vibe that femboy doesn’t. This identity was shamed out of me due to it being “transphobic” for extremely vague and uncredited reasons and culture war nonsense. At this point, I don’t want to keep my identity snuffed out due to a culture war that I never even wanted to be part of. So I guess it’s worth saying that I prefer “trap” over femboy and always have. She ended up learning a lot about me and we ended up getting a lot closer. We also experienced a massive storm that washed off the sunscreen on my legs. I got burned but it was still a lot of fun. Then we adventured around the area where we used to live and spent time with her family. It was a good birthday, despite how the evening went. The rest of August was rather uneventful and became less eventful since Spectrum decided to pick a fight with me.
August rolled around and things finally cracked. On the night of my birthday, I ended up having a severe dissociative episode where I completely blacked out and barged into my roommate’s room and started ranting about my abusive life. It required both my roommate and wife to restrain and talk me down. I don’t remember much beyond some buried parts before waking up in the shower with my Glaceon plushie, Potato, on my lap. That was an extreme low in my life but at the same time, I learned that I couldn’t keep bottling shit up because it was going to come out eventually and apparently in a very fucked up way if I keep ignoring it. Despite the night going wrong, I had my wife actually up before me for once adamantly insisting I still spent the day kayaking with her and my father-in-law. We made the best out of the day and spent much of the day talking about everything that was going through my mind and what I had revealed in my episode. There was a lot to it that I am not going to get into but there was a very weirdly specific detail about how I prefer to identify as a “trap” over “femboy,” because I think trap captures a very specific vibe that femboy doesn’t. This identity was shamed out of me due to it being “transphobic” for extremely vague and uncredited reasons and culture war nonsense. At this point, I don’t want to keep my identity snuffed out due to a culture war that I never even wanted to be part of. So I guess it’s worth saying that I prefer “trap” over femboy and always have. She ended up learning a lot about me and we ended up getting a lot closer. We also experienced a massive storm that washed off the sunscreen on my legs. I got burned but it was still a lot of fun. Then we adventured around the area where we used to live and spent time with her family. It was a good birthday, despite how the evening went. The rest of August was rather uneventful and became less eventful since Spectrum decided to pick a fight with me.
Today
This leads us to today, My wife and I are currently in the process of dealing with Spectrum who decided to throttle our upload speeds because reasons. They claimed we got DMCA notices but refused to tell us from whom or why and are throttling our speeds. This has made it impossible for me to stream since the middle of August. It’s been rough but I’ve made the best of it by working on some videos in the background and even creating my new OC, Enki the True Trap Neko. We are working on our ISP issues and hopefully, things change very soon. It’s been a year, I won’t deny but I am glad I made it through it. I think my grandmother would be proud of me.Enki the True Trap
Miko Art by my lovely wife, @FatalAryia
